It Starts With Letting Go
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money off these characters.
A/N Sorry for the delay in updating. I just hit a wall with where I want this story to go.
Coulson was still pacing his office when he heard May's knock. He could always tell hers from the others. The rest of them tended to knock meekly, almost seemingly afraid of bothering him. May knocked with authority, he didn't think she cared if it was a bother because she knew what she had to say was important. He liked that about her. She was his strength when he doubted himself, and his path when he had lost his way. So he walked over and opened the door and then stood back as she swept into the room.
"Okay, Phil. I've given you some time, but now I want you to give me that notebook." She held her hand out and he sheepishly gave her the notebook. His face was open and worried. She came up to him and ran her fingers through the newly forming hair on the side of his face. She had thought it would be coarse, but it was soft instead.
"I know you fear what this might say." She said, pulling him closer. "But, you have to do this. It may be something very important for you and for the team." He closed his eyes and sighed. He tried to focus on the way her hand felt as she smoothed the hair on his cheek. After a moment, he opened his eyes and nodded, not trusting his voice just yet. He followed as May led the way back downstairs.
Jemma, Skye, Fitz and Tripp were huddled around the holotable. They looked up with surprised and worried faces when May entered with Coulson close behind.
"How's it going?" May asked.
"Well, we can't match up all the letters because the alien language obviously doesn't have the exact same as English." Jemma informed her. Skye broke in.
"But, we have learned some simple words from the translation." She eyed the book in May's hand. "If we had the book there, we might be able to at least see if it has any of the words we translated."
May glanced at Phil and he swallowed hard, but nodded. She gave the book to the team. As the team began to attempt a translation, May noticed Coulson quietly slip away. Going in search of him, she found him in the lounge, a drink in his hand, the bottle of Jameson on the bar in front of him. She took a deep breath and walked over to sit beside him. She didn't think she had ever seen him so dejected. That just wasn't Phil. He always seemed to find the positive in things, even if it meant that he used some pretty black humor to lighten the mood. She watched as he took a sip of the whiskey.
"Does it help?" She asked him. He seemed almost shell-shocked, but he finally acknowledged her presence.
"Not really, but it settles my stomach a little." He finally replied. May decided to go ahead and dive in to a really personal discussion.
"Talk to me, Phil. Where is your head at right now?" She asked him softly. His shoulders stiffened, but then he began to speak.
"I… I thought that I had accepted this whole being dead and then resurrected thing. Turns out that just isn't true. I keep wanting with all my heart to be who I was before. I want to forget the last several months. I want to go back to knowing who and what I am, May. Is that strange after all this time?" He looked at her, the utter devastation and defeat written clearly on his face. May couldn't help herself. She reached over and cradled his hand in between hers.
"It is what it is, Phil. I honestly don't think anyone's ever been where you are now, with the exact same circumstances. Your feelings are yours and they are legitimate. Anyone who doesn't recognize that just doesn't lo… like you. You have a right to feel whatever you feel." She smiled at him. "Don't you think so, too?" He looked wistfully at her.
"Do you remember when you got injured in Kiev that time?" He watched her nod and then continued. "Your leg was so messed up. It took so long to heal that you got so impatient. I remember you telling me that maybe it was time to retire from S.H.I.E.L.D. because you were never going to get better. But, you did." He looked like he was about to cry. "I… don't have that option I guess. I've been changed, and nothing will ever be back to normal."
"Life is change, Phil. When your father died, you were forced to change. There was no going back. When you joined S.H.I.E.L.D. you changed. Now, whether you like it or not, you are changing again." He turned to her and asked the question that haunted him.
"But, I don't think I am still the same man, May. The morals, the values that I've always had, do you think they'll change too?" She took her hand and placed it on his heart.
"What's in here has not changed. I mean it. If anything, you are kinder and more compassionate than ever. I don't think the old Phil Coulson would insist on non-lethal force like you always do. I don't think the old you would have gotten as attached to this team as you have." He sighed.
"Then I guess it's not so bad. But, you'll tell me if I start to seem… different… in a bad way?"
"Of course." May squeezed his hand.
Fitz blew into the room in a state. "You… you gotta come see!" He almost shouted at them. They got up and followed him into the control room. Skye looked up worriedly from the notebook she and Jemma were perusing.
"What is it?" May asked them. Jemma took the lead.
"There's a lot we haven't been able to translate, but we think… well, it's possible that your subconscious is trying to send you a message, sir." Coulson tensed, but put on a brave face.
"Well, what is it?" He asked the young scientist. She and Skye exchanged a look, before Skye spoke.
"What we've got so far is very cryptic, but here it is." She handed him a paper with writing on it. It said:
I am mahr vehl….. you have a duty a … save humanity… we are one…
Coulson turned very pale. May and Tripp took a few steps toward him in case he fainted.
"Oh." He said. "Who? What?" Jemma quickly replied.
"We don't know yet, but we will keep trying. Obviously, this is very important."
The group looked around at each other. What was happening affected them all and they were at once frightened and excited to see this through. It had suddenly changed from being solely personal to now involving all of humanity. And they were ready.
The End