Summary: After all that she's done, Regina can't seem to accept that she could deserve a second chance.
Author's Note: This part was hard to write. Damn.
Same warning as always... I am not a writer. But I'm trying for the same reason as always - I'm fascinated by Regina. I have to get some of these thoughts out of my head. Filed under SwannQueen because I don't think I could write a male character to save my life. No sexytimes.
The story is complete but I'm not posting the whole thing at once... I'm a tweaker (no, not that kind) and I'm not quite ready to let the next bits into the wild. I'm posting this bit to force myself to STOP making nit-picky changes.
Warning: Here is where the talk of non-consensual sex and abuse occurs. It's not graphic but it's there because Regina's life has basically sucked balls. Please give this a pass if that bothers you.
By the time Regina walked back into the kitchen she was feeling almost human again. The shower had helped her wash away much of the filth of her nightmare and the rest she beat away with sheer determination. She was wearing her most comfortable pair of slacks and had draped a heavy shawl around her shoulders. For the moment she actually felt warm. And the delicious smell coming from the kitchen surprised her into realizing she was actually hungry. After waking so horribly from another nightmare she had been certain she would have to force herself to eat just enough to placate Emma.
She spied the blond at the counter and walked over quickly and, before she had a chance to think better of it, placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. She'd made sure to make enough noise that she wouldn't startle the woman but it was clear Emma wasn't expecting the contact; she stopped in mid salad toss. "I was short with you earlier. I'm sorry for that."
Emma turned slightly and gave her a smile. It was truly radiant and Regina knew immediately that Emma had been worried that she'd done something horribly wrong. "Don't worry about it. I've been pretty much in your business all evening but that really wasn't my place. So I'm sorry too."
Emma nodded towards the table that held place settings for two and enough steaming lasagna to feed an army. It appeared she didn't want to dwell on either of their transgressions. "Are you ready for dinner. Because I am officially starving." She'd headed to the table as she was talking and Regina followed behind like a puppy, even though she was in her own home. Now that the nightmare had faded for her slightly, so had her need to control the situation.
Emma immediately picked up the never ending stream of banter that she had whipped out during lunch at the diner and Regina smiled indulgently at her. The fact that she knew what the blond was up to didn't stop her from relaxing all the same. Emma's company was magic and Regina truly regretted that she was going to have to put an end to this before the evening was done. Regina was done taking things that she didn't deserve.
She ate as much as she could because she knew it was important to Emma but she still finished well before the blond and it wasn't long before Emma was eying her over every forkful. Regina was truly impressed with how long Emma managed to hold her tongue but knew it wouldn't last forever.
It did not. Emma placed her fork down and motioned towards Regina's plate. "Are you done? You didn't eat much…" She sounded hesitant and Regina felt another pang of regret over her actions in the living room earlier. Emma was clearly worried that she would anger her again.
Regina gave her a slightly mischievous smile so she would know that her next words were to be taken lightly. "You mean I didn't eat much for you. For me I just ate about three meals. And then some." She accepted Emma return smile and then gave her the answer she knew she was looking for. "I assure you, I've eaten well more than I have been lately. I couldn't possibly consume another bite."
Emma seemed pleased and Regina expected her to finish up the absurd quantity of lasagna left on her plate. Insead she began to fidget with her fork. She took a quick drink to change things up then began to fiddle with her napkin. Regina watched her for a moment and then decided to take pity on the nervous woman. Clearly it was time to get started.
"So," Regina began. She leaned back in her chair and placed her laced hands on the table in front of her. "I believe you wanted to talk."
Emma looked grateful and thoughtful and scared stiff all at the same time. It was kind of adorable but Regina still felt bad for her. She was clearly uncomfortable with her self-appointed task. Still, she was going to have to start somewhere. "Dear, there's no good way to do this. Why don't you just jump right in."
Emma stared at her appraisingly for a moment and then did just that. "Are you sick?"
Regina smiled slightly as she shook her head no and Emma's face flooded with relief immediately. Regina wondered briefly if Emma had thought she was dying.
The second question seemed to come easier; Emma's voice sounded much more confident when she continued. But she was still sticking with the easy questions. "Does… Do you have lots of days like today?"
Regina pursed her lips and reminded herself that she had decided to be completely honest. Painfully honest - no more cryptic answers or half truths. That was the only way to get Emma to understand why she couldn't keep this up - why she was a lost cause and why that was ok in the grand scheme of things. Despite her discomfort Regina replied directly and was pleased when her voice came out strong and almost nonchalant. "Yes, unfortunately. Though today was worse than most. Your timing is impeccable as always."
It didn't appear that Emma liked that answer much and the relief that had been showing in her face since learning that Regina didn't have a foot in the grave dropped away. Now her increased confidence was fueled by renewed concern and it was pretty clear that they had completely passed the point of no return. But that was ok because Regina was committed to ending this tonight, no matter what, and really just wanted to get through this fresh hell as quickly as possible. Emma seemed happy to oblige as the questions were now just tumbling out of her. "What about nightmares. Do you have those a lot?"
"Every time I go to sleep, yes."
Confusion clouded Emma features and it was obvious something wasn't adding up for the blond. "How does Henry not know?"
Regina didn't answer; She just held up her fingers and let a little magic show at the tips. Emma's confusion didn't appear to lift so after a moment, she was forced to clarify. "Magical soundproofing dear."
"Shit, of course. Right." How Emma managed to constantly forget that she lived in a world of magic astounded Regina constantly. She took the answer in stride though and moved right along; It was pretty clear that she realized Regina was being more open than normal and she didn't want to lose this opportunity.
"Can you tell me what they're about?" Emma looked embarrassed and tried to clarify her position almost immediately. "I mean, you don't have to answer that one. It's just… lots of people say it helps them. You know, to talk about it."
Regina had accepted that this was unavoidable while she'd gathered herself together upstairs. However, she was pretty sure that these next moments were going to fundamentally alter the way Emma looked at her for the rest of their days. It didn't surprise her in the least that the words were difficult to say. "I grew up with Cora, I trained with Rumple, and I married Leopold. Between the three of them there is not a part of my soul they didn't shred. That is what I dream about."
Emma paled and Regina continued to feel for her, but she had wanted this conversation. And she was picking the questions. "Snow's dad Leopold? Did he…" Emma couldn't finish and Regina was glad.
"There are very few ways to end that sentence where I would answer 'No.'" Regina felt her breath start to get thready and knew that she was as far down this particular rabbit hole as she could go, no matter how committed she was to this process. She pulled in a steadying breath and held Emma's eye. "We need to switch topics please."
It was clear from Emma's face that she was starting to regret this and Regina couldn't help but take comfort in the fact that it was hard for the other woman too. "What about your mom?"
"My mother was a cruel woman who could break me and heal me at will. So she did. Clearly she learned it from Rumple because he employed the same teaching technique." Regina shrugged her shoulders and unfolded her hands. "It's an effective technique, I must admit. I am a truly powerful sorceress. Though the side effects are a bit limiting."
Emma gave her a puzzled look. Apparently she was trying to figure out if Regina was trying to bring levity to this horrible conversation. Regina herself wasn't even sure.
The puzzled look gave way to one of displeasure. "Regina, you were abused." Emma practically spit the word out. "That's not alright."
And there it was. It was time to bring her relationship with Emma to an end. Regina pressed towards Emma until she was leaning slightly over the table. "No, it isn't alright. It was a horrible and unforgivable abuse of power." Regina drew in a breath to give herself strength. "As were my actions - horrible and unforgivable. Every single one of them. I am as much a villain as they are."
Emma flinched as though she'd been slapped and Regina took no pleasure in knowing that her words had so effectively driven her point home. Now, finally, Emma would understand. Regina watched as the blond processed her words and just waited for it be over.
It didn't take Emma long to get there and her frown deepened when she arrived. "You don't think you deserve forgiveness." It wasn't a question, so Regina didn't offer an answer. She just sat as calmly as she could and waited. "Or friendship. You can't even allow yourself that?"
Emma was a stubborn one. Regina realized that she was going to have to lead her all the way. The thought was exhausting but she's made it this far and there was absolutely no stopping now.
"I deserve none of those things. The fact that I continue to exist is a perversion of justice."
Emma's brow furrowed dangerously and a flush rose on her skin with a suddenness that shocked Regina. "That's bullshit!" The words exploded from Emma and Regina couldn't stop herself from shrinking back. She felt the crushing weight of Emma's anger and a rush of adrenaline coursed through her almost immediately. She pressed back against her chair and felt it shift back slightly from the table. She knew Emma wouldn't harm her but it wasn't a response she could control.
It wasn't a response she could hide either and she knew the moment Emma registered it. She watch her deflate and her features went from cross to ashamed in the blink of an eye. And surprisingly that was all it took. The rush of adrenaline stopped abruptly and she felt faint and nauseous with the loss of it. She cast her eyes down to the table and gripped it's edges painfully while forcing herself to take steadying breath after steady breath.
She heard the scrape of Emma's chair but didn't look. The possibility that she would be ill was quite real and she focused only on her breathing. Then Emma was behind her and rubbing comforting circles across her back and Regina focused on that instead.
It took a while before she was confident enough to raise her head and deepen her breaths but Emma stood with her through it. Eventually the motion on her back slowed, and then stopped, and Emma spoke softly from behind her. "You ok?"
Regina didn't want to hear the waver that she knew would be in her voice so she just nodded.
Emma studied her for a second, then pulled a chair over and angled it so she was almost facing Regina and when Emma took her hands in her own Regina didn't resist. But she couldn't meet her eyes either. "You can't say things like that."
Regina closed her eyes against the tears. "I know it's upsetting to hear but it is the truth." As she'd known it would, her voice wavered terribly. But at this point it hardly seemed to matter.
Emma had learned her lesson well and there was no hint of anger in her voice. "It's not. The only way this ever stops is if people change and people forgive. Your mother wasn't strong enough and Rumple wasn't good enough. But you are. I see you with Henry and I know who you really are, even if you can't remember. And I can help you. But not if you've given up."
Regina shook her head back and forth forcefully. "I'm not strong enough. I never have been. I already failed."
"That's not true. You've always been strong enough, you've just always been alone. You aren't alone now. We can do this."
Regina shuddered despite herself. How did Emma do that? Get inside her completely? She wanted it so badly she could taste it. All she'd ever wanted was to not be alone. But that wasn't the point, she reminded herself forcefully. She'd given up her claim the moment she allowed the Evil Queen to exist. "No. You can't do that. I don't deserve…"
Emma didn't even let her finish. "It's not about what you deserve Regina, it's about what you need. I'm the friend you need. But you have to accept me. I can't do it for you, only with you… please accept my help."
This was the moment. Regina could feel her world about to shift in one way or another. She briefly wondered how many other moments like this she'd had in her lifetime. It was hard to count them but she knew there had to have been many. And consistently she had made the wrong choice.
She didn't want to do that again and when she'd come down those stairs she was absolutely certain that she knew what she had to do this time. But Emma… she was so convincing. Regina looked at her now, for the first time in a while. The pull was too much. She wanted it too badly and was too exhausted to fight. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do."
Emma smiled at her and it was full of hope. Regina felt the pressure on her chest, her constant companion for so long, lessen unexpectedly. "Nothing. You just did it."
They were sitting on the couch in silence and lit only by the fire. Emma sipped at her glass of whiskey judiciously and stole sideways glances at her companion every so often. Regina had come in with a glass of wine but had set it on the end table almost immediately and forgotten about it completely. Emma couldn't tell if she was sad, scared, or just completely exhausted. All seemed equally likely.
Emma hazarded a longer look to the right and took in some more detail. When she saw Regina's glossed over eyes snap back into focus and then begin to gloss back over almost immediately she knew it was exhaustion that she was battling right now.
Emma placed a hand gently on Regina's arm and watched as her eyes cleared and focused very slowly. Not good. "Regina. You need to get some rest."
"We haven't moved in over an hour. I am resting." Her voice was dull and Emma felt her idling worry kick up a gear. How long had this been going on? How long could Regina last? "Sleep Regina. You need sleep."
"That is probably true but since I'm not capable of getting any, this will have to do."
Emma squinted at her in displeasure. "Sure you can." Emma tugged the coffee table over with the toe of her shoe and then slid it a bit more towards Regina. "Throw your legs up there, close your eyes and you'll be out in a second." You're practically out now, her brain supplied unhelpfully.
"You are correct. I have little problems falling asleep at this point. But it's quite unpleasant and never lasts for very long." Regina shook her head sadly at the words.
"Look, that was when you were doing this by yourself. I know this arrangement is only, like, an hour old but I can help you." The solution was entirely clear to Emma and Regina's confusion was pretty baffling. Regina didn't make a move so Emma tried to clarify. "I'll wake you up. Scout's honor."
"Emma," Regina's voice took on a different timber and Emma knew this would forever after be the voice Regina used when she thought Emma had gone mad. "That is not a sustainable solution. You have an entire life outside of," Regina waved her hands about in a thoroughly vague manner. "...this." It was clear that she was having a trouble defining what 'this' was.
It was hard but Emma managed not to roll her eyes. "I'm not talking long term here. I'm talking about right now. Tonight. I said we would do this together and I meant it, but you're so exhausted you can barely function. So it's basically just me. How much sleep are you even getting."
Regina began to answer and Emma cut her off ruthlessly. "Not rest. Sleep."
Regina's non-answer was again an answer and Emma pushed ahead. "Right. That's not gonna work. We've got some damage control to take care of here. When you're coherent we'll find something sustainable."
Emma glared at her, not unkindly, and dared Regina to contradict her. Her face was slack and gauging her reaction was just about impossible. "The nightmares are…" Regina clearly didn't have the words. "I don't know if I can just give myself over to that."
It would have been a more effective rebuttal if her eyes weren't sliding shut while she said it. Emma tugged ever so gently on the shawl still wrapped around Regina's shoulders and the brunette slid down slowly until she was resting gently against Emma's shoulder. Emma wouldn't have believed it if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes, but Regina was completely asleep.
Emma polished off the rest of her drink in one final swallow and then placed her glass on the endtable. Then she settled in for a long night.
End Note: Same as always - Feel free to share your thoughts if you're so inclined but please recall that I am the furthest thing from a writer there is. This is probably the best I can do.