Chapter 1

Amalya was so happy when the blight had ended. Finally free to settle down with Cullen in a cheerful little cottage of their own. He had wanted a grand house in town but after all they had both suffered all she truly wanted was a small cottage with a little garden.

As a Grey Warden she was not required to return to the Circle when the blight ended. Of course having a husband who was also a Templar helped to settle the minds of her neighbors and being one of those same wardens who stopped the blight? There were perks.

And Cullen. He could not have been a more perfect husband. He insisted on taking the entire first year after their marriage off just to spend with her. He assured her that both of them had worked far too hard for this life to waste one moment of it apart. He did not even want her thinking about the Grey Wardens.

Although sometimes, like today she could not help it.

"Tell me again Cullen, how we defeated the Blight, sometimes here with you, it all seems so far away…" she smiled up at him as he encircled her waist with his arms.

"I was not there of course my love, but as they tell the story in Denerim, Duncan led the final battle against the Dragon in…" she frowned when he said this.

"Wait" she interrupted "Duncan? That can't be what they said, love, Duncan died at Ostagar…"

He laughed "Well then they must have meant that other Grey Warden leader…"

She looked out at the villagers who were passing them by frowning slightly "I don't understand, only Alistair and I survived Ostagar.."

"Ah yes, that is who I meant Alistair… he is the one who led the final charge." Cullen bent down and began kissing her neck "Are you certain there aren't other things we could be doing my love?"

"But Alistair wasn't leading by that point… I was… wasn't I…?" she was getting so confused.

"Does any of this really matter?" he was starting to sound annoyed at this point

"It matters that I am confused about it" she said angrily. The villagers outside had stopped and were now listening to the argument.

"Pushing, pushing, pushing you can't just be happy with what we have here" he was shouting now "we finally have our happily ever after. This is supposed to be everything you ever wanted. I am supposed to be everything you ever wanted. And now you are suddenly unhappy with our perfect life. You would rather be out there drenched in darkspawn blood."

"Why are you getting so angry about this?" suddenly she looked around. He was right this was perfect. Too perfect. How had she got her? How had they defeated the Blight what was the last thing she remembered?

The Circle Tower. The demon. The Sloth demon!

"This isn't real, and you… you are not Cullen." She whispered sadly.

It hurt to kill him. He may not have been Cullen but he looked like him. Staring down at his body she gathered it to her chest and she wept. And apologized over and over again.

Looking at the Black City she prayed for an hour to the Maker for the sins she had committed and would commit in the name of stopping the Blight.

It was a long time before she could leave the body and finish finding her friends so they could defeat the demon and leave this place.

She wished she had not seen the horrors that stalked her friends in the night.

When they got to the top floor she saw Cullen trapped. She had a sinking feeling she knew what they had tortured him with.

She ran to the strange magical barrier he was trapped in and put her hand against it whispering his name. He looked up resignedly. "This trick again? It won't work I know what you are I will stay strong."

Sadly she asked "Cullen don't you recognize me?"

He cringed "Only... too well how far they must have delved into my thoughts."

Wynne looked at her with sympathy, she knew how Amalya must have felt about the Templar, theirs was not a wholly unique circumstance after all "The boy is exhausted. And this cage... I've never seen anything like it." To Cullen she said "Rest Easy Help is here."

Cullen collapsed to his knees "Enough visions. If anything in you is human... kill me now and stop this game. You broke the others but I will stay strong for my sake... for theirs... sifting through my thoughts... tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have... using my shame against me... my ill-advised infatuation with her... a mage, of all things. I am so tired of these cruel jokes... these tricks... these ..."

Now, nearly in tears Amalya pressed both hands to the barrier "Cullen this is no trick I am here I came back for you..."

Cullen, at his breaking point closed his eyes and shouted "Silence.. I'll not listen to anything you say. Now begone!" When he opened them he seemed surprised "Still here? But that's always worked before. I close my eyes, but you're still here when I open them."

Amalya was equally broken "You called me a secret and a shame…"

Cullen was in no mood to hear her heart breaking "I am beyond caring what you think the Maker knows my sin and I pray he will forgive me."

But then it had not been the first time she remembered as she felt the familiar burn behind her eyes "Yes, so you said the night before I left. I... remember…"

He looked at her as though she were the cause of all his distress. Perhaps in his mind she was. "It was the foolish fancy of a naive boy. I know better now. Why have you returned to the tower how have you survived?"

Did it matter she wondered? "Because I didn't learn better. I killed everything in my path to get to you. And Uldred is next."

He finally seemed to see her, just her for a moment. His hands touched where hers still lay against the barrier "I... am the only one of us left they turned some in to monsters. And there was nothing I could do. They all deserve to die."

"Cullen…" she whispered his name again only to watch his face harden. "I am a mage too Cullen, do I deserve to die?" She was afraid to hear his answer. A lone tear trailed down her cheek.

His resolve seemed to weaken at that. His hand twitched as though longing to wipe it a way. "You weren't in the tower. They have been surrounded by blood mages whose wicked fingers snake into your mind and corrupt your thoughts."

"I can't just slaughter everyone Cullen… not even for you" she whispered this last part.

Turning she looked up the stairs. The look on her face was not the one she reserved for friends and loved one, but the ones darkspawn and other enemies had learned to fear. The one that had Teryn Logain increase the bounty on her head three times.

The battle could hardly be called that. It was more of a slaughter. The abomination Uldred turned in to had not been prepared to face the monster she became. With the Littany of Adralla stopping him from making more Abominations there was only she and him in the end. And as the last curse flew from the end of her staff and he fell there was no expression on her face. No fear. No triumph. Just emptiness.

She could hear Wynne talking to Irving behind her. She knew she should see to the others. But all she could do was stand over the corpse of her enemy and think that this, all of this carnage, was why she would never be good enough for the man caged downstairs. Turning and looking in to Irving's eyes she knew that somehow he knew that he understood. He gave her a small tight nod as he asked to be assisted down the stairs.

She also knew this was to give her time to come to terms with what had happened here. What she had done here. What had been done to her here. As if she ever could.

She walked around the room stepping over and around the bodies. In this very room she had been taken one night to enter the fade and become a full fledged made through the Harrowing or become possessed and die in the attempt.

Outside waiting for her had been Cullen. The man she cared for, tasked with running her through with his sword should she fail. His being chosen for the task was not an accident.

She ran her hand around the font that carried the lyrium during the Harrowing. It took a great deal of lyrium to enter the fade. Lyrium and will.

She remembered the pride demon she had faced with a smile. Such a little thing. Was it wrong that she remembered it fondly? She supposed so. And yet she could not help it. In the end she had won, but could not deny it had flattered her. Well, of course it had that was its job, but she also had a feeling it had not lied to her. It was not a demon of deceit after all.

And it had warned her honesty. True tests never end. How right it had been. She grabbed both sides of the font and stared in to its empty depths. She had been tested for pride, sloth, greed and rage every day of her life since then.

And today she was being tested to see how much damage her heart could take before it shattered.

She heard the footsteps on the stairs. She did not have to look up to know whose they were. How many years had she heard those same steps? How many years had she listened for them?

She did not want to look up. She could not stand to see the look of hate, or worse, indifference, again, in the eyes of the only man she had ever, or knew that she would ever love.

So she looked down at her hands. The hands that were covered in blood and gripping the font that had plunged her in to her new life. "Cullen." She said "Why have you come?"

"Amalya…" his voice sounded so tortured she finally looked at him.

She drew in a shuddering breath "I… should have been here. I will never forgive myself for what they did to this place… to you." She closed her eyes in defeat.

In a few steps he had closed the distance between them and pulled her in to his arms. They would have… could have… nothing else. But they could have this one moment in time. And as they stood in each other's arms his face buried in her hair they wept for everything that could have been.

She left that day with her treatise with the Templars and mages intact but her heart in tatters.

If she had known what would happen to Cullen in Kirkwall she would have trussed him up and hauled him with her that very day whether he was willing or not.

If she had known a lot about what would happen in Kirkwall a lot of things would have gone differently.