I'm back! Yeah yeah! Thank goodness for Spring break.

Also, thanks to heronlove for the support and continuing reviews - you keep me coming back to this story even through my crazy life. And thanks to hprbdfan, Priya, and Aqua Rules for reviewing the previous chapters and to all those who have added this story to alerts and favorites. You all rock!

PS: I couldn't wait to send this to a beta because I was too excited to post it. So, any mistakes are totally mine and please point them out so I can correct. I'll probably still send it to my beta and then repost.

Girl Talk, Azkaban, and Ron

Days pass and I feel like a ghost. I wake up, go to class, study, eat meals, get top marks, help with the YPS, and then I'm back to sleep. I don't allow myself any time alone with the boys. Well, that's a lie, I've been alone with Harry a few times, planning YPS meetings and talking about possible new leaders to help us and even trying to help him through his grief. I know I should do that more often, but I don't dare be around Harry when he is around. I only get to spend meaningful time with my best friend when Harry is by himself because he is with her. I don't dare say their names, not his, the only name I've ever cried in the midst of pleasure and love, and not hers, the name that brought a new wave of pain into my life.

I keep thinking that getting over this should be easy. I managed to pull myself together after my parents died. I know that watching them die was the worst moment of my life. So giving up on being with a boy should be easy, right? But that's not true. I have come to realize that when my parents died, everyone supported me, he supported me. When my parents died, it was over. And jaded and miserable as I felt, I mustered the will to fight against the bastards that killed them. I found comfort in that and got through my grief by focusing on making this world better, by focusing on fighting. I had to make sure that no one else would suffer the loss that I did. I had to get the YPS to be a success.

But this. This is a slow torture with no solution. I get to see him every day. In classrooms, in hallways, during meals, even when planning for the YPS meetings and possible new members for this year. Worse of all, I've had to see him when he's walking around the castle with her. This torture isn't over with one terrible blow. It goes on and on, driving me to the brink of insanity. So, I don't say their names, not even in my head. It is enough to have half of the school talk about her. They talk about the new blond girl that is really pretty and spends so much time with him. Some boys say that he's lucky. They say she can speak French and that it is so hot. They say that she is refined and friendly and kind. I think - I can speak French too! Probably, not as good as her, but I can! I'm friendly and polite enough and I can be kind too, for a bloody bookworm. Arrrhhh!

My comforts are still my books and academics, my planning for the YPS, and now Estella's friendship. I never thought I would let another girl, much less a Slytherin, see me this way. But, I have needed the respite she can provide when we talk. She let me vent, and cry, and scream. In fact, she encouraged it as she explained that I have to do that or I might just go crazy with rage and sadness. I'm glad that I have someone around who gets it; someone who went through this exact pain. Then I realize that her pain ended when Chloe Edgecombe's life did and that makes me jealous. So, I get enraged and lash out and she takes it. She even says I'm right and then I can't be angry anymore.

"How did you get through it? Did you scream and cry all by yourself?"

"I did cry and scream alone but also… with Draco and with… Mel. She… sh-she helped the most," Estella says, her voice cracking as she refers to Mel Cooper.

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay Granger. Mel and Ely are dead and I've learned to live with that. Channel my energy into other things. But, I won't lie and say I don't miss them. They were amazing."

"I'm sure they were."

"Well… about what you asked. I don't want to lie."

"Meaning?"

"You asked me how I got through and well… yes I did what I'm telling you to do. And I'm trying to help you the way Mel helped me, but that's not the whole story. I also… I… I-used-dark-magic." She says the last words so fast I can barely understand them.

"What?"

"You heard me."

I stay silent for a second. Dark magic? Magic is not supposed to be used to cope with emotions! I know because I checked when Lily and Harry were grieving. That's also why love potions are so tricky, even though they are not dark. More potent potions or enchantments for the manipulation of feelings are just dangerous!

"That's crazy! What did you even use?"

"It's not anything I would recommend. I got through a couple of hours until the side effects kicked. I was physically ill until Draco found me and pulled me out of the spell."

"With more dark magic?" I ask, but I think it comes out as an accusation.

"Yes, but he knew what he was doing. It was kind of just a reversal. I did get me to cry on his shoulder like a child for the longest time."

"Well. I'm not using dark magic!"

"I'm not telling you to get you to. In fact, I'm telling you so that you don't! I only used it because I'm an Emomaster and I can't let my emotions go haywire. The spell made me sick, but it helped me to not attack George and Chloe with my power and leave them catatonic. It… controlled me. "

"Oh. I'm sor—""

"Don't be. You're enough of a mess without having to be sorry for me. Again, I just told you because well… you're smart and I didn't want you coming across emotion-binding spells and be tempted."

"Okay." We sit in silence for a while. I'm thoughtful about my next question. I want to know, but I don't want to offend her anymore. "Estella?"

"Yeah?"

"How would you… how could you leave them catatonic?"

"It's… hard to explain." She pauses, sighs, and then continues. "Do you remember after your parents died, how I absorbed your emotions, how I transferred enough of your pain and misery into myself to jolt you out of your shock?"

I don't want to remember, but I do. In fact, I've seen her do it recently with Harry. Still, I don't want to speak about it so I just nod.

"I… I can also do the opposite. I can take but I can also give. That's why an Emomaster is dangerous and if the Ministry registers me, my every move would be monitored. I can suck all the joy out of someone and transfer so much misery that it would leave the person in shock or even comatose. That's why the Black Hand wants me on their side. I can be powerful and... evil… until I slowly become another Dementor."

"But you're not! You wouldn't!"

"I hope not. It's a tricky balance."

"But you can do it. You destroyed a Dementor for George. And you've never attacked anyone. You're are a good witch!" Suddenly, I see Estella's face relax. Maybe I am being just as helpful to her as she is to me. Maybe we can be there for each other.

"Thank you. I hope to be. My aunt and uncle, Ely, Severus… they helped me get where I am and I want to be good… for them."

I give her a look that I hope tells her I'm willing to listen and then the floodgates open.

"Severus taught me to 'compartmentalize'. Which, I found to be a fancy word for putting feelings into something like an emotional box and then dealing with them later. Once I was able to do that, learning Occlumency came almost naturally. He was the best teacher. He also showed me the Dark Magic I needed for extreme cases when I felt like I was losing control. My uncle helped with light versions of potions and spells that could balance me out but they don't work under extreme stress." As she says this she pulls a box out of her satchel and shows me an array of vials.

Estella then continues, "He and Ely searched all over Europe for any book or parchment on Emomasters they could find and read through the lot. My aunt even learned about muggle meditation. That was fun to try. They put so much energy into potions and enchantments and anything they could use to help me. That's how Ely realized how we could use the "Kyklos Proctais", which we had in our possession. He got those amulets around our necks without any hesitation and without uncle's permission. Anything to protect his baby sister. He even gave me the spares and showed me how I would know who to give them to."

"And then you chose us," I whisper, feeling like this is all her fault, all this sadness. We stay quiet for a while. Everything has changed since the flower incidents and getting the Kyklos Proctais. I'm connected to him. It's irreparable.

"That's not why you love him. You know that, right?"

"What?"

Estella gives me a pointed look. "The amulets can't make you love someone. In fact, the golden amulets only choose to be given to those who are or will be lovers."

"What!"

"It's true. Before you two, Severus and Lily had the amulets. You saw the memory that showed when my mum got them to wear them. The gold Kyklos Proctais are triggered by passionate love, the silver by family love. "

"You and Harry are not family."

"I know. Ely and I weren't blood family either, but we were so close. I loved him like a brother. I don't even know if I love my real brother that much. I haven't figured out how Harry and I work with the amulets. But, with you and Ron… well… I knew what you and Ron would become when I gave you the amulets. I could feel passion practically beaming out you two even though you were completely unaware of what was happening. You both were so immaturely angry and twitchy around each other. It was cute."

I don't know if her telling me this makes me angry or completely miserable. "And you didn't think to bloody tell me that I would fall in love with him! I should have been warned!"

"Yeah right, you two would have never taken them."

"Well look where taking those things got us!"

"Without the amulets Ron and Harry would have never found us and the Black Hand would have gotten us to release an unbeatable army to take over the Wizarding world and kill all the muggles of Britain. Then they would have killed you and turned me into their little Emomaster pet. Forgive me if I'm not sorry for getting you to wear the amulets that kept us safe."

"Fine! Don't be sorry! But you could have told me after that happened."

"Sorry, I was busy helping Ely start the YPS, being a spy, falling in love with George, trying to not suck the life out of Chloe Edgecombe… should I continue?"

"I hate you right now," I tell her.

"I always hate you. You're too much like Ely, brave, caring, honourable, too smart and good for your own sake. Look at your face. I don't even need to be an Emomaster to know you're feeling all kinds of guilt right now. You're so caring and good it's sickening."

I laugh then. She's like a bitchy big sister that I care for but truly dislike. I reckon she feels similarly about me. She joins my laughter. It's all ridiculous really.

When we sober up she speaks again. "Truly though, the amulets don't make you feel for someone. They draw their power from what is already there. The magic of the silver ones comes from a need to protect like a sibling or like a parent. When I shared them with Ely, I knew we would always be there for each other until the day we died. And when he did, it was like someone took a precious part of me. I was so angry, so sad, but I knew I would somehow live and move on. It's not quite the same with Harry. It's more magical and I also think our connection is meant to be temporary. My aunt told me that sometimes the amulets fall from the carriers once a goal is accomplished. Like how the amulets left Lily and Severus after they banished Voldemort and ended the first war. I think that may happen Harry and I. Except Lily and Severus had the gold ones and we have the silver. So, it's different. It's like I care about Harry because my magic needs me to; like the whole point of me is to watch after him until this war is over, or to die trying. But often, I just feel sorry… just so so sorry for him and the burden he carries from the prophecy and Severus' death."

"You're right. It's not like Severus and Lily. It's not love," I state sincerely. Because I know love. Love is what I feel for him.

"I know, my Kyklos Proctais connections have never been passionate love. They are friendship, they are sisterly love; they are care and even tenderness, but not a man and woman love. I know that now because amulet or not, if something happens to George, I couldn't go on. He is the one I love. I would practically be a walking shell if anything happened to George. I came back from the dead for George."

I'm silent for a while, but then I feel I have to get this out. "That's what it's like when R-" I hesitate. "When he's in danger. I feel like my airway is constricted and yet I feel power surge through me. I am powerful because somehow I have to keep him safe . I would die if he's not safe. If anything ever happens to him my heart would vanish and I would be gone forever."

A few weeks pass and we get new members for the YPS and our connections outside of Hogwarts are as strong as ever. The twins have made more allies for our fight against the Black Hand and they also go to Order of the Phoenix meetings. Estella is also in the Order of the Phoenix and Dumbledore takes her out of the castle with him to go to the meetings. She comes back looking radiant. We all know who she got to spend time with and Draco always makes fun of her. "Well someone managed to get thoroughly shagged," he commented once, earning him a hex that left his lips so swollen they sagged all the way down his chin. Oddly, it was Harry's and not Estella's wand that had delivered the hex. Must be the protectiveness from the amulet.

I think Harry is getting better and trying to move on. He's more committed to the YPS and fighting the Black Hand than ever before. He also has private meetings with Estella and Dumbledore in the Headmaster's office. He says it's training for when he has to face Voldemort. I of course worry. I worry that he's doing all of this just to avenge his father, but then I think about me. Isn't that the same reason I fight? For my parents.

In terms of me, nothing really changes. I still love him. I still feel awful and live tormented. But I'm surviving. It isn't until Ginny corners me on a Friday night that everything changes.

"Come with me, right now," she orders and practically drags me into her room. She looks angry. But also different from her normal self. It's like some of her spark is gone. Is she thinner?

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Did you have a fight with Ron? Are you angry with him?"

Dammit! Did she really have to say his name? His name drives me crazy! And what am I supposed to say to that? Yes! Yes, I'm angry with Ron, enraged really. I'm angry at him, at his parents, at the entire Wizarding world and its traditions. Or is it that I'm sad, miserable, in agony? I don't know what to say so I just stare her. Ginny intently looks into my eyes, practically scowling at me.

"What the hell is going on, Hermione? Ron is miserable. He has to deal with all this engagement crap and you know about it. He said you know. But you've been horrible to him. You avoid patrols with him, which you must be rescheduling somehow. You walk away from a room the minute he steps in it. And when you do stay you completely ignore him . Dammit Hermione! He's your friend!"

When she's done ranting, she burst into tears. I've never seem her this way. She's sobbing uncontrollably, wailing really. I'm stunned.

"Ginny, oh Ginny." I can't think of anything else to say. So I just hold her and then my own tears flow and we become a complete mess together.

We cry and cry and then we both confess. She tells me about being engaged to Neville. How they are both so awkward and how he is so kind and never pushes her. How she tries to like him that way and she can tell he tries too. But neither of them has their hearts in it.

I tell her everything, from the masquerade ball to the train, omitting details that she of course wants to know. We extensively argue about my privacy. I share how my heart is broken and how I don't know how to act around him. I can't even say his name. I'm angry and I hate him, but I don't because I love him.

"Hermione, he didn't choose this. I didn't choose this. When they told us… it was... it was –" She breaks into sobs again.

We get into her four-poster, close the curtains, put a silencing spell, and spend all night talking. Ginny tells me about the night they found out they were engaged. I learn about how her brothers tried to help and told her about their own engagements and how they managed that and their marriages. Charlie is the only one that is truly happy, though Percy seems awfully close to happiness as well. "You know him, even if he is happy he still looks like he has a stick up his arse," she comments. I learn about how Ginny incessantly fought with her mother all summer. How Ron is a shell of himself and tries to be Anna's friend, but he's miserable. She tells me that somehow the girl is enchanted by him even though he's not himself at all. Ginny says he's all polite and proper – not Ron at all! She misses her brother and his antics, and his goofiness, and his smile. But mostly she misses how he glowed when he would fight with me. How he let the fire inside of him pour out when I was around. I break down at that.

I explain how it feels to watch him with her. How suddenly I miss my parents more than ever. How mom would know how to hold me and dad would find the perfect book to read to me, even if I never told them exactly what was wrong. I share how Estella has helped me. How she's grown on me, but how I hate her because she comes back all happy when she spends time with George. Ginny says she hates them both. But not really because they deserve each other. We remember that they were in a mess like this before, and George got kissed by a Dementor, and Estella died. So we agree that they should be happy and we are actually happy for them.

The night is awful, but liberating. We cry so much I think our tears could create a river. She makes me say his name – one time, two times, three, four times, again and again and I cry like a baby. She makes me promise to find a way to talk to Ron and be his friend. I have no idea how I'll do that, but I can't deny her.

Then she drops a bomb on me. She fancies Draco. It might even be love. For Draco. For Draco Malfoy who is engaged to Pansy Parkingson. Ginny hates her and Draco hates her and I know that Estella and I hate her. We weep some more. She says he doesn't know that she fancies him, but he does hate his stupid fiancé. Lucky for Ginny, Pansy doesn't want to act like a girlfriend with Draco yet because he's been deemed a traitor to Slytherin. So their engagement will be kept quiet until they can't avoid dealing with it. We break down again. I used to hate Draco, but he's become an ally, a friend. He doesn't deserve a life like what awaits for him with Pansy Parking, especially when Ginny could be so much better for him. Ginny thinks he's wonderful, and witty, and his dark side is sexy and mysterious. I don't know if I agree, but I'm not the one that may love him.

Lucky for us, the next day is a Saturday so we collapse after all the sobbing without caring about tomorrow. We don't resurface until mid-day and charm our faces to look somewhat decent after all that crying.

About a week after what I've begun to call our "episode", Ginny continues to push me to talk to Ron. I don't run away at the sight of him anymore. But I haven't found a way to say more than two words to him. I know I will have to soon because I haven't altered the patrol schedule anymore.

I wake up knowing that I'm going to have to go on patrol with Ron soon. What am I going to say? I meet him and Harry at the portrait and we walk to breakfast together. They talk and I listen and nod or give short answers when needed. Sometimes I catch Ron's gaze. It is filled with longing, sadness, need, and maybe guilt? I look to the ground and keep walking. We get to the great hall. Anna waves and smiles at Ron. It makes me sick. He waves back without a smile and I feel a little better but not much. We start eating breakfast and I get an owl with the Daily Prophet. I begin to eat and lazily open the paper. Then the front page news completely takes away my appetite.

MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN

The Ministry of Magic announced late last night that there has been a mass breakout from Azkaban. Speaking to reporters in his private office, Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, confirmed that ten high-security prisoners escaped in the early hours of yesterday evening, and that he has already informed the Muggle Prime Minister of the dangerous nature of these individuals.

"We find ourselves, most unfortunately, in a position where many dangerous criminals are now at large," said Fudge last night. When asked about the possible involvement of he who must not be named in the breakout the Minister refused to answer questions. He did assure the community that all is being done to re-apprehend the convicts that escaped. "We are doing all we can to round up the criminals and beg the magical community to remain alert and cautious. On no account should any of these individuals be approached."

Law Enforcement official Alastor Moody, however, commented on possible accomplices in the breakout. "An escape of this magnitude suggests outside help! Even with no concluding evidence, we know Dark Magic was used. We will investigate any witch or wizard who gives indication of participating in dark activities or is in contact with the fugitives," he said as he gave reporters the list of the escapees.

The list of criminals that escaped includes the notoriously vicious dark witch, Bellatrix Lestrange, and her equally dangerous husband, Rodolphus Lestrange. They were convicted after…

I continue to read the list of names and feel bile rising up my throat. The paper not only gives the names of those who escaped, but also how they were originally captured and the list of crimes that they committed.

I drop the paper as if it's scalded me. Ron and Harry look at me and I point to the paper. As they read, I think. Those people are disgusting. The things they did to muggles, and muggle-borns and to good pure-bloods. Why do they hate so much?

Then I hear Harry. "We need to call a meeting. We need to rally everyone together. Tonight," he says decisively.

He's become purposeful and so focused since we came back to school. He's a good leader for us. I watch him stand and head to the Slytherin table. He kneels close to Estella who has the Prophet sitting on the table and looks ashen. They talk in hushed voices and then Harry hugs her.

I look at Ron and realize that we can no longer stick to the silent treatment. This is more important than us. We have to figure things out between us to help the YPS. To help Harry. "Follow me," I order.

"Follow me," she says, in a tone that allows for no disagreement. My heart is hammering in my chest as I stand and make my way out of the Great Hall, following her steps.

She spoke to me. More than that, she wants to talk to me in private. She must, otherwise she wouldn't have asked me to follow. Oh thank Merlin! I've missed her so much. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. The only person that I feel normal around is Harry. I know he feels bad for me, but he doesn't show me pity. I appreciate that. I guess he can tell pity is not what I need. Maybe that's because pity is what people show whenever his dad comes up. Harry is a good friend. He treats me the same as before even after everything that's happened. He also hasn't told anyone and has helped with keeping this engagement crap as quiet as possible. Still, sometimes it is annoying that he tells me to see the bright side and that Anna is not so bad. "At least you're not engaged to Pansy Parkinson like Malfoy is," he said once. I remember shivering in fear at that thought. Thank Merlin it's not Parkinson or another evil Slytherin. And thank Merlin for Harry. Now, what do I say to Hermione? The last time we were alone it was a disaster. Though technically we weren't alone, Estella was there. I wonder if she'll send those birds after me again.

We go up, one stairwell, another, and then climb some more until we reach the small chamber behind the mirror that we have often used for YPS leader meetings. She pulls me in and then we stand facing each other. I don't know what to say and she seems to be struggling. I wrack my brain for an idea, for the right words, for any words really. Eventually I manage to croak, "I… I… I'm sorry."

She sighs and swallows visibly before responding, "It's… it's not really your fault."

"Hermione… I…" I really don't know what to say.

"Yeah, I know."

"What do you know?"

"I know you didn't mean for this to happen. Ginny and I talked."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"So… so where does that leave us."

"I don't know. I know we can't… well… you know."

"Right."

We are silent for a while. This is so incredibly hard. How can I have her right in front of me and not want to hold her and kiss her and love her? I know we can't and yet I can't help what I want. She's like the air to me. She's everything I want, everything I need. No one could ever take her place.

She breaks me from my thoughts by saying, "Ron, we have to help Harry."

"Yes. I know."

"So, about tonight's meeting."

"What about it?"

"We have to figure out how to take turns to go since we have to patrol together."

"We don't have to do that. We could do the rounds together and then go to the meeting in between rounds."

"True. That would work."

She seems to be getting ready to leave. I feel panic.

"Is that it?" I ask.

"Ugh?"

"Is that it? All that we say?"

"I don't know what else to say."

Dammit! I'm dying here! Doesn't she care anymore? Don't I deserve a little compassion from her… a sliver of the bond we had?

"You know what Hermione, we have to talk about us! You can't pretend we never happened! You can't ignore me forever! I won't let you!"

"You won't let me! You won't let me! You don't own me! You don't even… Who do you think you are Ron?"

"I don't know, Hermione!" I yell. It's true. I don't know who I am anymore. I keep acting like this polite git that is friendly with Anna Davie and will eventually ask her to marry him because he has no choice. My only friend is Harry and feel like the weight of the world on his shoulders and mine also. All I want to do is disappear.

Feeling sorry for myself actually manages to calm me down before I speak again. "Hermione I… I don't know what to do. I hate this so much."

"I know how that feels. I thought… I… never mind."

"Hermione, please… please…"

"Please what Ron? I don't know what to do either. I'm… I'm a mess."

"Me too."

"I… I think Ginny might be right."

"About?"

"Being friends, she said I should try to be your friend. Do you think we could do that? Could we do friendship?"

"I'll take it."

"Just friendship?"

"Anything you're willing to give me."

Please R&R. Those reviews really get a writer inspired to update sooner rather than later (this is my blackmail jijiji).

Next chapter: BREAKING TRADITION.