Chapter 25 - Epiphany

Nate paced the armory like a caged beast, a murderous rage pulsing through his veins like poison. He couldn't recall the last time he had ever been this angry…perhaps never, though it hardly mattered. The action didn't really seem to be taming his temper at any rate. Instead it was simply keeping it at bay until some unsuspecting fool was thick enough to approach him. Absentmindedly, he ran a hand across his jaw-line and then scowled at the feel of the thick stubble that had grown in over the past few days. He wanted badly to shave, but he didn't trust himself with a straight-razor. Not in his current mood. He silently added the fact to a steadily growing mental list of grievances, the bulk of which had occurred in the short time since he opened his eyes this morning.

He had startled awake only to find himself sweat-drenched and disoriented. At first he couldn't even remember where he was but then the memory of his arrival at the Vigil the evening before returned to him, as well as the reason for the anxiety pressing against his chest.

Lexy.

He immediately jumped out of bed, hastily donning the first set of clean clothes that he could find before hurling open his chamber door and practically running down the hallway. No one had disturbed him in the night, which should have been a good sign, but he couldn't help the panic that still rose within his chest. He had to know that she was alive, needed to see it with his own eyes and feel her pulse beneath his fingertips. Only then could he truly breathe again.

In his haste Nate hadn't even thought about knocking first. In hindsight he wished he had. He might have still been in the dark, but at least it would have saved him from a measure of unnecessary pain. Even now, hours later, he couldn't sponge away the image that had driven him to his current madness…Alyx and Anders…locked in a passionate embrace.

He couldn't recall everything that had passed through his mind at that moment, but there were two things he remembered with perfect clarity. Firstly, the joy of finding her not only alive but awake, and the second being his sudden and violent reaction to seeing her in another man's arms. He wanted to take the arrogant bastard by the scruff of his neck and throw him clear across the room and then wrap his hands around his throat and squeeze until he choked the very life from his slimy, two-timing throat. It was a measure of his self-control that he simply turned and walked away, closing the door quietly behind him.

He had headed towards his rooms first but then abruptly changed his mind as well as his direction. He wasn't sure what led him to the armory. Perhaps it was due to the familiarity of the place (for it was one of the only rooms in the keep that hadn't changed over the years) or maybe it was the scent of leather and polishing oil that had always acted as a balm to him in the past. Only those same, long cherished smells now served to remind him of her.

As he paced his anger grew, though the voice of reason kept trying to intercede on his behalf.

She has every right to choose who she pleases, you have no claim over her, it would whisper in his ear and then, Perhaps you misunderstood?

Misunderstood? How I could I have misunderstood? The man had his bloody tongue shoved down her throat! He growled at the voice.

The silent conversation went on for a while longer, but eventually he told reason to bugger off and went back to being sullen. It was his own fault after all. Had he told her how he felt, he might have been the one to greet her with a kiss when she awoke.

"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!" an all-too familiar voice called from the doorway…a sound, until this morning, he thought to never hear again.

He froze and turned to see Alyx standing just inside the door, hands folded demurely in front of her. She was wearing a forest-green gown that clung to her petite body in all of the right places. The color brought out the subtle red hues of her hair, which had been left free to spill down her back in soft waves. It wasn't fair, that she could look so utterly unaffected by her recent brush with death. In fact, she looked radiant, her eyes sparkling with mirth and just the slightest hint of reproof…no doubt from making her search for him.

"What are you doing out of bed?" he snapped, not meaning to be so short with her but not being able to help himself.

"I think I've spent more than enough time resting, thank you very much," she replied without blinking an eye at his terseness. "And if you're curious, Wynne approved as long as I took it easy."

"Fine. Was there something you wanted?" he growled.

She hesitated, but only for a second.

"Yes, in fact," she replied, her chin going up a notch. "Wynne told me of the service you rendered me and I wanted to offer you my heartfelt thanks. From what I'm told it was a close thing. Had you not gone after Wynne I might not be standing here today, and for that I am most grateful."

"Right, brilliant. You've said your peace. Now if you would, leave me be," he said in even, clipped tones before he returned to his pacing.

"Is something wrong?" she asked, her brow furrowed in concern.

He stopped once again and shot a scathing look at her. He couldn't stand the warmth in her voice or the compassion in her eyes. It pulled at something deep inside of him that threatened to unleash the monster seething just below the surface. He balled his hands into fists before she noticed that they were shaking with the force of his emotions. When she stepped closer he visibly stiffened, causing her to real back as if he had physically slapped her.

"I'm fine," he ground out between clamped teeth.

"No you're not. What is it?" she asked softly.

"I said I'm fine. Leave me."

"And I say you're not. Now answer the question," she demanded, voice rising to match his own.

"Damn it woman, can't you just take a bloody hint for once in your life? I wish to be left in peace!" he snarled.

"And I want an answer to my question!"

"I'm warning you—"

"Don't you threaten me Nathaniel Howe!" she yelled, her temper finally flaring. "Just what the hell is wrong with you? I came down here to thank you and you practically bite my head off!"

"I saw you kissing him!" he yelled, wishing at once that he could take the words back.

Her mouth dropped open in shock, but almost immediately snapped shut again. At first he thought she was going to deny it but then her face flushed prettily in anger.

"Who do you think you are?" she hissed at him. "You aren't my brother, my husband to tell me who I may or may not consort with. What gives you the right to demand sovereignty over my actions? I'm a grown woman and can bloody well kiss whomever I please, when I please!"

He knew that she was right, but that didn't stop Nathaniel from bellowing at her like an ill-mannered peasant. He began to pace once again, his arms gesturing wildly as he flung himself around the room to prove whatever point he was attempting to make. All the while she just stood there staring daggers at him, arms crossed tightly in front of her chest. He was well aware that he wasn't making sense. Hell, he forgot the words almost before they even finished leaving his mouth, and yet he continued on, pausing only when his lungs demanded air. When he finished the silence was deafening by comparison.

"I see," she said in deceivingly soft tones after what seemed like a lifetime. "That is all very…interesting, Nathaniel. Yet somehow in your idiotic rant you forgot to mention a reason."

And just like that the last remnants of his self-control snapped. He quickly closed the distance between them, roughly cupping her face in his hands as he crushed his mouth to hers.

Nate greedily devoured her lips, tasting her as he had wanted to since that long ago night in Amaranthine. There was nothing gentle about his kiss nor did he intend there to be. He wanted to erase the memory of his taste from her mouth and replace it with his own. He wanted to make her forget that the mage ever existed at all. He stifled a moan of appreciation as his hands moved to the nape of her neck, fingers plunging into the silken strands of her hair as he deepened the kiss even further. He put everything into that kiss; all his anger, confusion, frustration and longing, all of the pent up emotions that he rigidly kept in check, pouring from his lips into hers. He could no longer deny or ignore the deep abiding need that had been steadily building within his heart until it was ready to burst. With every stroke of his tongue over hers his body growled mine ever more fervently, demanding that he claim her in every way possible. Yet a small corner of his mind that remained logical kept him in check, reminding him that this was neither the place nor the time.

When he was finally able to pull himself away his breath was ragged, coming in deep wrenching gasps. He kept his hands tangled within her hair, not quite ready to let her go entirely. He couldn't help but take some satisfaction from her dazed expression and swollen lips, though the sight in and of itself was something akin to torture to his long abused libido.

"That," he said between deep gasps of air when he was finally calm enough to speak, "Should be sufficient reason for you."

Only then did he let her go.

Without another word, he turned on his heal and stalked away before he could do anything even more irreparable. He tried not to think about the way she looked as he left, frozen in place in the middle of the room, one hand raised to her mouth as if she couldn't quite believe what he'd just done. He had a feeling that image would be burned in his head for years to come.

Maker, I need a cold bath! He thought. Make that several cold baths…or as many as it took to calm the need that was currently pounding through his body like a sledgehammer. It was going to be a very long night.

Alyx sunk to the floor the moment the door closed behind Nate's retreating form, breathing deep, unsteady breaths of air in and out as she tried to collect her scattered thoughts. He had kissed her.

And quite thoroughly at that, she thought, her face flushing with color as she remembered the way his mouth had move over hers, demanding entrance. Had she kissed him back? She couldn't remember if she had or not. All she knew was that she had been kissed not once but twice today.

Assaulted more like, she thought wryly. Neither time did the man in question give her the benefit of a choice or the chance to get a word in edgewise after the fact. Unbelievable! She seethed as a deep and sudden anger bubbled up inside of her. Those arrogant, selfish, pig-headed…nug-herders!

Alyx jumped to her feet, suddenly feeling the need to do something other than sit and wonder if the world had gone crazy. She stormed from the armory, intent in every line of her body as she crossed the great hall and slammed open the study door. Neither Wynne nor Leliana jumped at her show of temper.

"Is it just me or are the words 'kiss me' tattooed across my forehead?" she growled at her friends as she closed the study door behind her.

"Mama!" Jocelyn's small voice piped as the little girl threw herself at Alyx, despite her mother's obvious foul mood.

Alyx spared a smile for her child and swung her up into her arms. She squeezed Jocelyn close for a moment, kissing the top of her head as she crossed the room and dropped into a chair between Wynne and Leliana. She set Jocelyn in her lap, but the little girl had spotted Ser-Pounce-a-Lot entering the room and was soon wiggling to get free again. Alyx sighed and let her go, watching as her daughter chased after the kitten with an enthusiasm only a child could have.

"Ooh! Who's been kissing you?" Leliana asked, her attention immediately captured by Alyx's words.

"Anders and Nathaniel both," she spat as she stood again, pacing the small area by the hearth as she spoke. "Without so much as a by-your-leave, thank you very much! And then they both had the nerve to stalk off without even giving me a chance to say a word! Had I not been so shocked I might've murdered the pair of them just for being so infuriatingly male!" she sputtered in anger, unable to come up with a better word for "pompous, controlling asshole." Of course a voice in the back of her head reminded her that Anders at least had given her a chance. She'd just been so taken aback that she hadn't been able to get a single word past her suddenly frozen vocal cords.

"Both of them?" Leliana crowed just as Wynne said, "Well, well. They do work fast don't they now?" with an amused chuckle.

"You knew about this?" Alyx asked, eyes narrowing in accusation at her friends.

"About their interest in you? Of course we did but it was hardly a secret, my dear. You were likely the only one who didn't know."

"And we did try to warn you," Leliana interjected, a smirk crossing her face. Alyx scowled even deeper as she crossed her arms in front of her and huffed.

"Wonderful. That's just perfect. Because I needed to be worried about whether my men are concentrating more on the darkspawn or the way my ass looks in my armor!" Alyx said sarcastically.

Leliana giggled and put aside the parchment sitting in her lap to lean forward with an all-too familiar interested sparkle in her eyes.

"Go on then! Tell us all the juicy details! Who's the better kisser?"

"Leliana! I'm not going to compare their kissing styles!" Alyx hissed.

"Oh, please Falcon! We haven't talked about men in ages and I miss our late night conversations. Just a couple of the tiniest details, pleeeease?" Leliana solicited, silently begging Alyx with her eyes.

"Out of the question, Leli."

"Oh, poo. You're no fun!" Leliana pouted. "But you are at least planning on making love to one of them, yes?"

"Leli—"

"That they are both handsome is not in question. It is more a matter of preference," Leliana continued, her eyes turning dreamy.

"I'd rather not—"

"Anders looks like he would show a girl a good time between the sheets. He has a wild look about him that could easily translate to love-making, no? And he is a knowledgeable flirt."

"Leli—"

"And then there's Nathaniel, with those intense, stormy eyes of his, mmm. He seems like the sort who would keep a girl coming back for more. After all, Lady Cecily always used to say that it is the quiet ones you need to watch for."

"And this coming from a married woman," Wynne murmured.

"What? I may be married but I'm not dead. Appreciating handsome men is like appreciating the bouquet of a fine wine. Do you not agree?"

"You are absolutely incorrigible!" Alyx gasped in consternation as Wynne shook her head in disbelief.

"So…which one is it?" Leliana pressed.

"Which one what?" Alyx asked, an innocent look on her face.

"Don't pretend you don't know what I mean. Who do you want to be with?" Leliana said with another giggle.

"Alistair."

Wynne sighed and Leliana rolled her eyes.

"I know you miss him, dear, but…perhaps it is time to start considering your options?" Wynne said carefully.

"Options?" Alyx repeated, lips thinning into an angry line. "What options Wynne? The man I love is dead."

"Yes he is. You, however, are not." Wynne replied quietly, rare temper flaring to life in her eyes so quick Alyx almost missed it. "You're life didn't end when his did yet you act as if it had. How is that fair to you, or to Jocelyn?"

"She's right, ma petite," Leliana interjected. "You are a young, vibrant and passionate woman, who has far too much to offer to spend the rest of your life pining for a dead man."

"Alistair—"

"Would want you to be happy. It's all he ever wanted for you," Wynne interjected. "Even when he was alive had you asked for him to release you, he would have."

"I would never!" Alyx gasped.

"I know you wouldn't have, dear, it was just an example to prove my point. He would have done anything you asked if it meant that you were happy."

"Don't you want to find love again? To have some semblance of peace and happiness while you still can?" Leliana asked her.

"Peace? Happiness? I'm a Grey Warden, Leliana," Alyx said with a disbelieving snort.

"Yet you were able to find such things with Alistair," Leliana reminded her.

That gave Alyx pause. She's right, I did. It didn't change anything though.

"Why do you run from happiness, Falcon?"

"I do not run from-!" Alyx began, cutting her words off abruptly as she pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers. With a sigh she continued. "Do you have any idea how complicated this could get, were I to choose one of my men over the other? Not to mention the fact that I'm their superior. Besides, it's not just a matter of hurting one or both of their feelings; it could mean the difference between life and death! None of us can afford to be distracted in the field. You've fought darkspawn; you know how dangerous it is."

"So wait until you've dealt with the darkspawn and then decide…though no doubt by then you'd have another excuse prepared for me."

"It is not an excuse—"

"But it is, and a clever one at that. To be honest I would think having another grey warden as a lover would be quite convenient for you. You wouldn't have to worry about accidentally divulging in your Order's secrets, and if anything about the warden stamina is true, then, that would make you a very lucky girl indeed…is it true?"

"Leli."

"Right. Never mind then."

"We're not telling you to choose one or the other or anyone for that matter, only for you to at least consider the possibility," Wynne interjected. "Life is too short as it is, and though I would not pretend to understand the inner-workings of the wardens or to be privy to the Order's secrets, I am quite an observant woman. The fact that it is rare to see a warden of more than two score and ten tells me that your time is all the more precious. Don't gamble it away child!You are at the cusp of your prime with so many experiences still left unlived…would it be so terrible to have someone to spend it with? Someone who could be a father figure to your daughter and a life-mate to yourself?"

"And…as wonderful as all of that sounds, would it not hurt for you to at least have a little fun every once and awhile?" Leliana added with a wink, making Alyx stifle a laugh.

"Though I don't condone Leliana's idea of 'having fun' willy-nilly, I couldn't see how it could hurt either," Wynne said, clearing her throat and refusing to look at either Leliana or Alyx after her last statement.

"Why Wynne! Are you suggesting that I sleep with my subordinates?" Alyx asked the older woman, a mock look of innocence written across her face.

"No, of course not, why would I… ooh, don't you sass me young lady!" Wynne said with a swat to Alyx's thigh, causing her to burst out laughing. "Just remember that you came to us with this and not the other way around!"

Alyx immediately stopped laughing.

"I didn't come here for advice, Wynne. I came to you because…well, because I was upset and…Maker, I don't know," she said, running a hand through her hair.

"And I can't tell you how happy that makes me," Wynne replied, placing a hand on her shoulder. "After what Anders told us about your experience in the fade I was afraid that you would shut down again, just as you did after the blight. For months you wouldn't talk to any of us about your troubles. That you can come to us now says a lot."

"Oh Falcon, don't you see?" Leliana cried softly, her eyes shining with excitement. "One of them must have sparked something inside you. Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset about something as simple as a kiss."

"My dear, I think not only are you ready to move on, I believe your heart has already chosen…whether you like it or not," Wynne added.

"I—"Alyx began, looking from one to the other, but she didn't know what else to say. Were they right? Had she let another slip into her heart unbeknownst to her?

She didn't know anymore. She had spent the last couple of years trying to close her heart off, why should she recognize its needs when she had stopped listening long ago?

She was lying to herself. She had refused to compare Anders and Nathaniel earlier not because of any sense of modesty, but because she had no need to. Wynne was right. Her heart had chosen, she had just been ignoring the telltale signs. Apparently all it took for her to realize it was someone to point it out to her. A deep well of pent up emotions flooded through her, making her gasp as the sheer intensity of it all. Her heart lurched painfully in her chest, tears pricking at the back of her eyes as the truth swept over her. It was too much.

"Maker's mercy," she whispered painfully. "I…I'm sorry, I can't—"

Then without another word she fled the room, leaving Wynne and Leliana staring after her in utter shock.

"What was that?" Leliana asked Wynne.

"That, my dear, was acknowledgment," Wynne replied, a satisfied smile crossing her lips.

"Ack—you mean? But who?" Leliana cried in surprise.

"You are the one who used to be the bard, Leliana. If you were to use those hard-won skills of yours, I think you'd find that it is all too clear."

"Can't you just tell me?" Leliana pouted.

"That would be cheating," Wynne chuckled.

"You're right. Far more fun to try and get Falcon to spill the peas herself," Leliana replied, eyes sparkling with mischief.

"That is beans, Leliana. Beans."

"What do beans have to do with it?" Leliana replied, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Beans!" Jocelyn crowed, making both women laugh. Leliana crossed the room and picked the little girl up, bouncing her in her arms as she stared out the window in thought.

"Do you truly think she's ready?" Leliana asked Wynne after a time.

"I hope so, Leliana. I truly hope so…for both their sakes."

She was running.

As fast and as far as her legs could carry her in her current state of dress. After the first couple of times she stumbled over her skirts she simply scooped them up and continued her mad dash across the keep. She didn't know where she was headed; only that she had to get away, though she knew in her heart there was no escaping the truth.

How she ended up in the garden, she never could say.

It was pitiful place. They hadn't had the resources to keep a gardener for some time now. The last one had been killed in the darkspawn raid, and there were far more important things to worry about than topiary. So despite the fact that it was nearly mid-summer, the small, enclosed courtyard gave the impression that they were nearing the end of fall instead. No doubt there was a time when it had been a beautiful garden, with flowers and shrubs that flourished in all the splendor the Maker had intended, but now it was a mere shadow of its former glory. It was a suitable landscape for Alyx's current mood, though she wouldn't have noticed one way or another.

She finally came to a halt at the foot of a crumbling stone bench, falling to her knees as she threw her arms atop the sun-warmed slab and dropped her head within them. Only then did she allow the tears to come. Great, painful sobs ripped through her chest and up her throat, making her shoulders heave with their intensity.

She knew she was being silly. Most women would be overjoyed to discover themselves in love, but to her it felt more like a betrayal than anything...and in more ways than one.

Damn him, she silently seethed. Damn him for making me feel again!

She had never wanted to feel this way again; had in fact vowed to herself that she never would. Thus began the process of closing her heart to any and all advances, and there had been many over the years. They had come in droves in the months following the blight, and not just nobleman either. Most were simply there for the chance to gain whatever political or monetary reward that they believed would come from winning her hand. Some came for the thrill of courting the Hero of Fereldan, and even fewer for her reported beauty and charm. No matter their reasons, none had gained her notice or affection…until now.

How did he get past her barriers, and why? How did she not even notice the changes taking place within her, and who knew that it would hurt so much, this restarting of her heart?

Damn him.

Her tears spent, Alyx sat up and wiped her eyes, sniffling pathetically as she tried to regain her composure. She pulled the chain around her neck from out of her bodice and stared down at the familiar amulet resting in her palm. She traced her thumb over the fading symbol of Andraste's flame and squeezed her eyes tightly shut.

I'm sorry my love, she whispered in her head, guilt racking her body with grief. The night we married I swore to love you and no other for the rest of my days. I love you still, but…she swallowed hard…you're not here and I…cannot deny that I have grown to care for another. Andraste's ass! Why does everything have to be so bloody complicated?

"Mama?" A small voice called from behind her.

Alyx snapped her head around to see Jocelyn standing just a few feet away, her eyes wide and lower lip trembling at the sight of her mother's tears. Alyx's heart twisted in her chest. She sniffed and reached for her daughter, wrapping her arms tightly around her as she clutched her to her chest.

"Shh, Mama's alright," she rasped as she smoothed the blond curls back across her head. "Just a little melancholy is all."

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Leliana standing at a distance and knew her friend was responsible for bringing her daughter to her. Normally she would be annoyed with such interference but at present she could only be grateful. Jocelyn was exactly what she needed right now to keep herself grounded.

"It'll be okay," she whispered into her daughter's hair as she rocked her back and forth, desperately wishing she could believe her own words. "Everything is going to be just fine."

*Muse Tunes: "The First Snow" by Clint Mansell (The Fountain OST); "You Can't Sit Here" by Alan Silvestri (Forrest Gump OST); "Learning to Forget" by Thomas Newman (Little Women OST).