Chapter 26 - This Is War
Nate headed directly to his rooms after the disastrous events in the armory, ignoring the surprised glances thrown in his direction as he stormed through the Vigil's winding hallways. He'd never considered himself a hot-head but Alyx was quickly proving him wrong. Maker, what was it about her that made him completely lose his head? He doubted he'd ever have an answer to that, but at least he'd identified this new facet of his personality and was quickly learning to adapt.
After a long soak in his bath and a shave, he started to feel more like his normal, level-headed self. It had taken far longer than anticipated, but at least he was no longer in danger of tearing something…or someone apart limb from limb.
He changed into a fresh tunic and leather leggings and had just begun to settle in for a long night of thinking (and drinking) when a knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts. He didn't really expect to see or hear from Alyx for the rest of the evening. Needless to say, he was surprised when a servant handed him a note with her familiar, elegant handwriting scrawled across the front. His heart jumped in anticipation as he ripped open the heavy vellum only to plummet again once he realized he was merely being summoned to Velanna's Joining ceremony.
What did he expect? He hadn't actually told her of his feelings. He'd stolen a kiss and fled without giving her an iota of his true intentions, like a fumbling youth who was too green to know any better. For all Nate knew she could think he was looking for a quick tumble in the hay to sate his manly urges (urges which, as he quickly discovered, were amplified by the taint running through his blood). Of course that wasn't the case, but how on Thedas was she to know that if he didn't tell her so?
Nate groaned as the enormity of his actions finally began to sink in. He'd really bungled it with her and hadn't the foggiest as to how he could make things right between them again.
Perhaps if I talk to her…explain…yes. He would explain his actions, but he would not apologize for them. He would never apologize for the way he felt about her, nor could he truly regret kissing her when nothing else in his life had ever felt so right. He had to try at least, though he doubted she would grant him a private audience after the mess he'd made that afternoon. He wasn't exactly sure what he would say to her if she did by some miracle agree to speak with him, but he couldn't leave things as they were.
Glancing out his chamber window Nate noted the position of the sun and realized it was time to head to the Commander's office. Usually the Joining would take place in the Great Hall but since Alyx's guests were allowed to freely roam the keep he suspected that she (or Varel) felt it best to hold the ceremony somewhere a little more private. It was just his luck that this first thing he saw upon leaving his chamber was Anders walking down the hallway towards him, whistling an annoyingly cheerful tune.
"Ho there, Howe!" the mage chirped as he slapped Nate on the arm good-naturedly.
Nate scowled as he rubbed at the offended appendage. He sent a silent prayer to the Maker to help him get through the rest of the night without killing Anders.
"You're awfully chipper this evening," Nate muttered as the two of them continued down the hallway together.
"And why shouldn't I be? Falcon's not only alive she's awake and recovering beautifully…but surely someone has told you as much?" Anders asked curiously.
"She sought me out, actually," Nate replied. And you can take that however you like, he silently added, garnering a small amount of satisfaction from the frown that flashed across the mage's face.
"To be honest I'm not sure she should be out of bed already," Anders said, obviously wishing to move the conversation into safer waters. "I mean, she's been awake for mere hours and she wants to perform a Joining? What's the rush?"
"You know the Commander. She's relentless when it comes to warden business. No doubt she feels that she needs to make up for lost time. Velanna's Joining was supposed to take place days ago, and we were supposed to have already been back on the road," Nate replied.
"Ugh, don't remind me," Anders groaned with a dramatic shudder. "I'll be glad when this darkspawn business is over."
"We're wardens, Anders. I doubt this 'darkspawn business' ever truly ends for the likes of us," Nate retorted dryly.
"Wonderful. At this rate every last one of my robes will permanently carry the stench of the filthy brutes. Just what do wardens do when there aren't darkspawn running amok anyway? I mean, are there are parties? Do we travel the world? Take over small kingdoms?"
"Stand vigilant I suppose."
"Hmmm. If that's the case I hope someone comes to dust off the cobwebs every now and again. Me, I intend to take up knitting. I'll send a scarf to Knight-Commander Greigor every Satinilia…provided I don't end up in some ogre's belly, chewed into tiny mage bits. But I'm an optimist."
"Must you insist on this constant chattering?" Nate growled.
"Well aren't we grumpy today? Someone piss in your porridge this morning Howe?"
Oh, if only you knew, he thought, tempted to tell Anders everything just to see what the mage's reaction would be. Instead he merely grunted in response.
"Do you think Velanna will survive the Joining?"
Nate sighed.
"No doubt we will find out soon enough."
"I think she will. She's far too annoying not to survive."
"Easy for you to say when it isn't your life being put on the line," Nate muttered.
"Come on, man! You can't tell me all that conceited bigotry of hers doesn't get on your nerves at least a little," Anders replied.
Luckily he wasn't forced to reply, as they had arrived at their destination. And not a moment too soon, Nate thought with relief as he opened the heavy wooden door.
Varel, Alyx, Oghren and Velanna had already gathered in the spacious room that he knew had once been his father's office. It had changed quite a bit since the last time he'd been in it. Rendon had always kept it dark and foreboding, with piles of books and parchment cluttered over every available surface. Alyx had taken down the heavy damask curtains that once adorned the tall windows on the far side of the room, and even had them thrown open to let in the warm summer breeze. The room was spotless and smelled of beeswax, leather-bound books and honeysuckle. Even the tall piles of parchment gracing the surface of the familiar mahogany desk were in neat, orderly stacks.
Nate glanced at Alyx, who was obviously trying to avoid meeting either his or Anders' eyes from across the room. He should have expected as much, but it still grated on his already fine-stretched nerves…or it did until he noticed the puffiness around her eyes. He wanted to kick himself. She'd been crying and it was likely his fault. If there was one thing he couldn't take it was the sight of a woman's tears…this particular woman's especially.
"Ah, good," Varel said, breaking Nate out of his quiet panic. "Now that we are all here we can get started. Commander?"
Alyx nodded and stepped forward, reciting the words that they all knew by heart. She took the goblet from Varel's hands and offered it to Velanna, who took it in turn and drunk its contents without hesitation. The elf's eyes immediately rolled back in her head as she dropped to the ground with a dull thud that made Nate wince in sympathy.
"Eck! Do we all look like that?" Anders whispered in his ear.
"Beats me. The only Joining I attended was my own," Nate whispered back. "Weren't there two others in your own?"
"Yes, well, Oghren never does anything properly, and I went directly after him. Never had a chance to see the results for myself," Anders whispered back, but fell silent when Alyx shot them a look of warning.
Varel knelt beside Velanna's still form and carefully checked for a pulse.
"She lives, Commander," he said after a moment.
"Move her to her rooms and alert me when she wakes," Alyx replied with a curt nod, signaling the end of the ceremony.
She walked past them both without a word but before she reached the door Anders and Nate both called out to her in unison, each unknowingly taking a step in her direction.
"Oh, no," she began, throwing up her hands defensively as she slowly began to walk backwards towards the open door. "The both of you just…keep your hands, and lips, and every other part of you the bloody hell away from me!"
And with that she fled the room without even a glance behind her.
Nate and Anders both stood frozen in place by her words. If he hadn't been so shocked Nate would've burst out laughing. She might've just basically told him to go to hell, but at least he wasn't the only one. At the very least it proved to him that the scene he had witnessed between Alyx and Anders earlier had not been one of her making but of his.
"Well that was certainly unexpected," Anders said before shooting Nate a scathing look. "What did you do to her?" he hissed in accusation.
"Nothing you hadn't already done yourself," Nate replied coldly before turning on his heel to leave, but Anders was following close behind him.
"It was you, wasn't it?" he asked as he picked up his pace to stride next to him. "I thought I'd heard a door open, but then again I was a little too busy at the time to notice who it was. I should congratulate you, Howe. You're timing is impeccable."
Nate abruptly stopped in his tracks, an unfriendly smile crossing his lips as he dipped his head to look Anders directly in the eyes.
"Does is bother you, mage? Knowing that I've tasted her…" he began, purposefully trying to goad Anders into a reaction. "…that I've traced the contours of her lips with my own, plunging deep into the moist heat of her mouth, learning the feel of her tongue, dancing with mine?" When Anders' nostrils flared with anger, Nate's smile broadened. "I see that it does. Perhaps, then, you've come to understand at least a semblance of what I went through this morning."
He continued walking down the hallway, leaving Anders frozen in place. It didn't last long, however, as the mage soon caught up with him.
"Alright, I might've deserved that, and I concede that your reaction was a fair one. Are we even?" Anders said in his usual chipper voice.
"Even?" Nate asked incredulously as he stopped walking once again. "Maybe if I punched you in the face we'd be even, but if it makes you feel better I'll let you think so."
Again Nate stalked off and again Anders followed.
"Cute. Is that supposed to make me feel bad for you?" Anders seethed beside him. "Poor Nathaniel, the stigmatized ex-noble with a daddy-sized chip on his shoulder, can't stand to see another man take what he wants. What's the matter Howe? Too proud to fight for her? Or maybe you're just hoping to bore me to death before taking her for yourself?"
"Is everything a joke to you?" Nate growled in consternation. "Because if it is, I'm not laughing."
"I will fight for her and I will win her …and that is no joke."
"This isn't a game, Anders, and she isn't some prize to be won," Nate hissed as he turned on him, his face just inches away from the mage's. He changed tactics as swiftly as he shifted his footing. "Say that she does choose you…what will you do when you tire of her—and you will tire of her, of that I am certain. I know your type, with your colorful tales of the conquests left in your wake. She isn't a notch to be added to your bedpost, and I'll be damned if I have to stand by and watch it."
"You know nothing about my feelings for her—"
"Nor you of mine," Nate seethed in low, dangerous tones.
"Hey!" Oghren's voice barked from behind them, making both men whip their heads around to glare at the dwarf. "I like a good pissin' match as much as the next man, but it's nearly dinnertime and yer blockin' the way."
Anders and Nate stared blankly at Oghren for half a second before parting to let the dwarf through. Oghren humphed and shuffled passed them, grumbling something about "Sodding young bucks without a nug's sense," as he passed by. Both men stared after the dwarf for a long moment before they scowled at each other and both turned to walk in the same direction.
"Where are you going?" Nate growled as he noticed that Anders was still beside him.
"You heard Oghren, it's nearly suppertime…where are you going?" Anders asked as he narrowed his eyes at Nathaniel. "Great. That's just fabulous," Anders said when Nate merely grunted in response. "But just so you know I'll be sitting as far away from you as the table can afford."
"Thank the Maker for small favors," Nate muttered to himself.
"Oh, gentleman?" a feminine voice called from the study as they walked by on their way to the dining hall. Both men stopped and turned to see Wynne standing the open doorway. "If you would?" the elderly mage asked, waving them into the room.
Anders and Nate looked at each other in question and then shrugged and followed Wynne into the study. Leliana stood in the middle of the room, her arms crossed in front of her, a knowing smile teasing up the corner of her mouth. Wynne joined her, mimicking her pose as the two men stepped into the room. Sizing up the women before him a sudden panic seized Nate's chest.
"Where are the others?" Anders asked, anxiety pitching his voice to a higher octave than normal. Nate shot him a sidelong glance. Had he not been experiencing the same sort of queasy sensation the mage seemed to be, he might've found his reaction to be comical.
"They will be along soon enough. Leliana and I wished to speak with you both in private before the rest of the party convened for the evening meal," Wynne replied.
"Maker, she's told you," Anders gasped as he nervously ran a hand through his hair.
"That she did," Wynne confirmed. "But surely that doesn't surprise you?"
"I—that is to say…she didn't tell you who…"
"No, and even if she did, neither Leliana nor myself are the sort to divulge another's confidences," Wynne continued, gesturing at the settee beside her. "Please, have a seat gentleman. There is much we need to discuss."
"Are we being punished? Because I didn't think professing affection to a beautiful woman was a punishable offense," Anders continued nervously.
"Is that what you call it?" Leliana murmured, one fine eyebrow arching in amusement. "And here I thought perhaps you two were playing a complex game of hide-and-go seek…Orlesian rules of course."
"Oooh, I played that once. Third time out of the tower I think? Fascinating rules you Orlesians have," Anders drawled, eyebrows wagging lasciviously at Leliana as he flashed her a cheeky smile that made the former bard giggle.
"We asked you here for a reason, young man, and you are not helping Leliana," Wynne said in a clipped, business-like tone as she shot Leliana a reproving look. "Now sit…all of you!"
Anders and Nate both automatically sat at the tone of the elderly mage's voice. Wynne nodded in satisfaction before sitting herself, folding weathered hands demurely in her lap with a calm that belied the snap of impatience in her eyes.
"Now," Wynne began calmly, "The reason Leliana and I have asked you here is because we felt the two of you could use some direction before you caused any more damage than you already have."
"A little female perspective if you will," Leliana added, eyes sparkling with amusement.
"What on Thedas are you talking about?" Anders snapped, obviously annoyed. "You act as if the two of us vying for Faclon's affection will cause some far-sweeping cataclysmic disaster, complete with traditional weeping and gnashing of teeth."
"Perhaps nothing as dramatic as that, Anders, but if you do not stop to think about the consequences of your actions this will most certainly end in tragedy. Your words tell me more than anything that you haven't…not seriously," Wynne replied calmly. "Now, you two have put Alyxandria in a very difficult position, both on a personal level and as your superior."
"Try to think of it as she would," Leliana added. "As your Commander she could not seriously consider a relationship with either of you without being concerned about the fallout. At the least, rumors of favoritism and suffering performance, at the worst…she loses one or the both of you to desertion or worse."
"I wouldn't—"
"No offense, Anders, but you do not have the best track record for sticking around in a bad situation, and you Nathaniel once tried to kill her without double-checking your facts," Leliana snapped before her expression softened. "Yet despite all of that, it is obvious that our Falcon has come to care a great deal about the both of you, and she is as loyal as they come. She would never intentionally wish to hurt either of you, and in such a situation one of you undoubtedly will be."
"There's more," Wynne continued seriously. "Something that is merely speculation on my part, but recent events have cemented the idea even further within my thoughts. Alistair's death nearly destroyed her. What do you suppose would happen should she come to care as deeply for one of you, only to lose you in battle?"
"Wynne, you…don't think…you can't think," Anders stuttered in shock.
"I know how she seems to you; strong and resilient, with the ability to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders, but the truth of the matter is that beneath it all, she's just a woman…a woman who is in a particularly vulnerable state."
"Wynne is right," Leliana said. "Past and present are warring for her heart, and at the moment there's no telling which will win."
"Press her and she will balk. If she does, she may never move beyond the events of Fort Drakon, and she must if there is to be any hope for either of you…or her," Wynne said.
"Begging your pardon, madam, but if I might inquire as to why the Arl of Redcliffe hasn't been included in this little chat?" Nate asked curiously.
"Ah, I had wondered if either of you had noticed his marked attentions. The Arl is neither a warden nor, do I think, a viable competitor for Alyxandria's heart. Teagan has been infatuated with her for years, even before Alistair held any claim over her…but if she hasn't accepted him by now I doubt she ever will," Wynne replied. "It is rather a shame, for he is a good man."
"Who also happens to be in a position to alleviate a great deal of Falcon's fears concerning her daughter," Leliana added. "He's willing to name Jocelyn as his heir, which would take her out of the running for the crown. Falcon wouldn't have to keep her existence a secret any longer."
"So then why doesn't she marry the man?" Anders asked curiously. "Not that I would want her to, but even I can see that it makes sense."
"Who says she isn't considering it?" Leliana asked, shooting Wynne a loaded look. "I, for one, am not taking him out of the running."
"Wonderful. That just makes me feel all the better about all of this," Anders mumbled, a pout crossing over his features as he crossed his arms dejectedly.
Wynne chuckled as she leaned over to place a comforting hand on Anders' shoulder.
"Oh, my dear. Do not think I care nothing for your feelings…or yours for that matter, Nathaniel. We simply want what's best for all concerned. That there is a chance for happiness makes me think that the road ahead…though fraught with challenges only the Maker can know…will be well worth the journey. Give Alyxandria some time and space; let her come to her own conclusions. When she is ready, she'll come to you," Wynne concluded.
Anders and Nate looked at each other, a silent understanding passing between them as Wynne's words began to take root…though who knew how long it would last once they were back out on the road. There was one thing, though, that Nate did know for certain…once the truce was broken (and there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that it would be at some point); things were bound to get very, very messy.
Wynne left the very next day with a contingent of Fergus's men to see that she make it to Amaranthine unscathed. Nate was surprised to discover that he would miss the elderly mage. Her soothing presence had become something of a neutralizer for him amidst the emotional maelstrom of these past few days.
Her warning turned out to be unnecessary as Alyx was clearly avoiding both himself and Anders whenever possible. He could hardly blame her for that, not after the mess they'd made of things. Then again he probably wouldn't have seen much of her even had they been on good terms. If she wasn't locked in her office with the Seneschal pouring over the tedious day-to-day business of the Arling, she was busy entertaining her guests. He couldn't blame her for that either. In just a couple of days the Highever party would be leaving with her daughter, and soon after that the rest of them would be heading to the Knotwood Hills to investigate the darkspawn presence there.
Three days.
That was how long it had been since the last time he'd seen more than fleeting glimpses of her. Beyond his flight to Amaranthine it was the longest he'd gone without her constant presence since the night of his Joining. Maker he missed her, and it wasn't just because of the physical affect she had on him. He missed the cadence of her voice and the way she played with the ends of her hair when it began to unravel at the end of the day. He missed the way her nose would scrunch up when she was annoyed and those rare, remarkable moments when she would allow herself to laugh…really laugh. There wasn't anything in Thedas like the beautiful sound of her laughter. But most of all he missed their conversations. He'd never been a man of many words, but with her he could talk for hours and never grow bored or weary. If he spent the rest of his days just talking with her, he could die a happy man.
Nate stood out on one of the balconies overlooking the Vigil's busy courtyard, barely registering the activity below him over the din of his own troubled thoughts. His hands reflexively tightened over the crumbling stone banister as he chuckled dryly to himself. It was almost ironic, that life should be going on as normal around him while his own was in such turmoil.
For what felt like the hundredth time he ran through the events of the past few days, and once again found himself without answers. If only he could see her, know that she was well…then perhaps this interminable waiting wouldn't be so intolerable.
All of sudden, as if someone had heard his silent plea, there she was. His heart fluttered against his ribcage as he watched her stroll across the courtyard, occasionally stopping to look at a merchant's wares or to speak with someone in passing.
She was wearing a vibrant, rusted colored gown with a simple leather belt cinched low around her waist. Her hair had been plated into a single thick rope down the length of her back that swung like a pendulum with each step she took. He unknowingly let his guard down as he watched her, allowing the emotions to play over his features as he drank in every detail of her to commit to memory. He didn't know why she'd taken to wearing dresses around the keep, but he could only think that it was her devious plan to torture him. She looked soft and feminine and despite recent events, fresh and relaxed as she mingled with the common folk.
Suddenly she looked up from across the leather merchant's cart and his entire body stiffened as her gaze roamed to his general vicinity. He thought at first that it was a figment of his imagination, that surely she couldn't see him from this height…especially as her attention quickly turned back to the man showing her his wares, but moments later she looked up again and this time her eyes connected with his own. He felt like a drowning man as he stared into their piercing blue depths, unable and unwilling to look away. He desperately wished he knew what she was thinking, if she felt the same longing that he was or if she was merely contemplating the best way to turn him away. There was no telling how long he would have stood there, transfixed, had Teagan Guerrin not approached her in that moment.
He watched Alyx greet the Arl with a pleasant smile as he engaged her in conversation, gallantly proffering her his arm as they strolled across the courtyard together. Nate's heart twisted painfully as she glanced back at him once more over her shoulder before turning her full attention back to the man at her side. He couldn't deny that they made a striking pair, with their similar coloring and obvious breeding. He wasn't entirely convinced that Alyx would turn him down were he to propose, considering the advantages the match would afford her daughter and the easy affection between the two. The pair had found a stone bench to sit upon, and Teagan had taken her hands, his expression serious as he bent his head close to hers as he spoke. Nate's brow furrowed in consternation, wishing he could read lips as easily as Oghren did. What the devil is he saying to her? His mind growled.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" a deep voice asked from behind him, breaking his concentration.
Nate turned to see Fergus Cousland leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest as his dark eyes drilled into his own.
"Yes," Nate replied simply. It was something he discovered on the grueling ride to Amaranthine, when he thought he might lose her forever. It was funny that he could admit it so easily to Cousland when he'd only just begun to understand it himself.
Fergus unfolded his arms and moved to stand next to Nate, taking on a similar pose as he eyed his sister below in the courtyard.
"You know, there was a time when such tidings would have filled me with joy."
"And now?" Nate asked curiously as he gaze flitted to his former friend.
"Now…" Fergus began, an ironic smile twisting his lips. "I don't suppose there's any way to warn you off? No, don't answer that. I can see that there's not."
"You do realize that ultimately, whatever her decision, the choice is hers and hers alone?" Nate asked.
"Yes, of course I do. We are talking about my sister after all. If she wished to lasso the moon, I'd dare anyone to try and talk her out of it. She's just like our mother in that respect," Fergus replied, a sudden sadness sweeping over his features before his expression hardened. "I cannot pretend that nothing has changed between us, Nathaniel. I've lost too much just to forget it all and start anew. I know you had nothing to do with my family's untimely end, yet the name of Howe still tastes like poison upon my lips. Your innocence cannot expunge the memories, and it cannot bring my wife and son back from the dead, but…I am man enough to admit when I am wrong."
Nate cocked an eyebrow at Fergus, waiting for the man to continue. This should be good, he thought as he crossed his arms.
"I know of the part you played in Alyx's recovery. Had it not been for your quick thinking, I might have lost her too, and for that I cannot express my gratitude. All I ask is that you have a care with my sister's feelings. She is teetering on the precipice. Should she be pushed in the wrong direction…"
"I'll not force the issue, Fergus. You'd know that if you bothered to recall our youth. I haven't changed since then, not really." Not where it counts, Nate added silently as his gaze returned to the woman below them, his voice softening as he studied her face. "I am a selfish man, Cousland. I want all of her, or nothing at all. I think it obvious that her heart still belongs to another. Should the day come when she's ready to move on then I'll make my intentions known, and if she chooses to be with another, I won't push her to change her mind. I meant what I said. It is her decision alone. Besides," He continued as he finally lifted his gaze to meet Fergus's. "I don't think you have much to worry about."
Fergus cocked his head, the corner of his mouth twitching up into a sad smile.
"I cannot claim to know what lay's within my sister's heart, but I do know that she thinks quite highly of you or she would never have come to your defense. And though Teagan is likely down there pouring his heart out at her dainty feet, it is you that she is looking at."
Nate's eyebrows shot up in surprise as his head snapped around to look at the couple below them. Sure enough Alyx was staring up at them, a look of consternation plastered across her face.
"No doubt she's trying to figure out what the two of us are talking about," Nate said.
It was Fergus's turn to look surprised, but then he chuckled and ran a hand through his hair.
"Maker, you're probably right! You certainly know her, I'll give you that," he said with a grin before his expression turned serious once again. "I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with the idea of you courting my sister, but I'll not stand in your way either."
Nate nodded at him, knowing that this was as close to a blessing as he would ever receive from the man. Fergus turned to leave but stopped just inside the door, bracing one hand on the doorframe as he turned partly back to face him again.
"Oh, and Howe?" he called as he shot Nathaniel an icy glare. "If you hurt her in any way, I'll have your heart on a platter."
"If I hurt her, I'll show up on your doorstep and hand you the knife and platter myself."
*Muse Tunes: Muse Tunes for this chapter are: "The Burning Heart" by Antony Hopkins, the Lyndhurst Orchestra and Gavin Greenway ("Hannibal" OST); "Catatonic" by Hans Zimmer (Sherlock Holme's OST); "Cold Lamb Sandwich" by Thomas Newman (Meet Joe Black OST); and "A New Life" by Jerry Goldsmith (First Knight OST).