Chapter 27 – Amongst Friends

Alyx stood out on the moonlit balcony overlooking the silver-tipped waves of Lake Calenhad…only this time she knew she was dreaming. It was the same damnable balcony and the same somber view that she'd witnessed a thousand times over, yet there was something…off this time. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

Even as she thought this she could feel the emotions of that long ago night bubble up inside of her. Her heart filled with the overwhelming joy and wonder at having just exchanged vows with her husband (her husband…Maker! She would never tire of calling him that), and the subtle thrill of knowing that beyond the Reverend Mother, they were the only two in all of Thedas aware of it. Then there was the ever-present underlying sense of foreboding that came with the threat of the archdemon looming just over the horizon. She shivered in the useless shift that was little more than gossamer fluff against her chilled skin. How Lady Isolde could ever believe such a garment was suitable bed-wear was beyond her.

Soon enough she sensed another behind her; one that was large, warm and utterly masculine. She could feel the familiar vibration under her skin that was always present when another warden was close by and shivered again, this time in anticipation. Alyx closed her eyes and sighed in contentment as strong arms wrapped around her waist. Warm lips caressed the sensitive skin at the base of her neck, sending tendrils of heat skittering down her spine.

"Come to bed, love," he whispered in a low, seductive tone.

Shock coursed through her body as she realized that though she knew that voice, it was not the one she'd come to expect. She slowly turned in his arms to look up into a face that was both familiar and dear, but definitely not her husband's.

She felt like a drowning woman as he ran his knuckles lightly over her cheek, his eyes swiftly darkening with a need that echoed deep within her. She heard herself asking him to make love to her even as a voice in her head pleaded for her to stop. This is wrong! The voice chanted in her head, but she couldn't keep herself from leaning into his touch. It was as if her body was simply going through the motions it had long become accustomed to in this place…or some unknown force was controlling her every movement. Whichever it was she had no way to stop what she knew would come next. She was but a puppet and the man before her, the puppeteer.

He crushed her to his chest, his lips and tongue tangling with hers in a timeless dance. She melted fully against him, her body caring nothing for the protests of her mind. A deep well of desire filled her as they quickly undressed each other and moved inside to the bed, her lover's hands caressing every inch of her body as if he knew it as well as his own. Soon their mingled breaths were coming in short, haggard gasps as they teased each other into a frenzy that would not be sated until they were one.

"How could you?" a shaky voice asked from across the room in pain-filled accusation.

She turned her head in response, breaking her lover's ardent kiss to search for the source of the voice. Alistair stood in the shadowed doorway of the bedroom, wearing the same blood-soaked armor that he'd worn at Fort Drakon. His face was streaked with sweat, dirt and blood, just as it had been the last time she'd seen him alive. Tears were flowing freely from his dark eyes as he stared at her with naked hurt.

"You promised me you'd love me forever," he said between silent sobs. "I sacrificed my life for you and this is how you repay me? How could you?"

Her heart broke at his words and yet she couldn't stop the moan of pleasure that left her lips as her lover suddenly filled her with one swift thrust. Her attention fully recaptured, she greedily claimed his lips with her own, her body arching up to meet his. He began to move inside of her, slowly at first but soon picking up pace, creating a sweet friction that grew in intensity with every stroke. He moaned her name before leaning closer to whisper words of love into her hair as their hips moved in perfect harmony.

"He'll never love you like I did," Alistair said, his voice closer this time and coming from her other side. She looked to her right and saw that he was kneeling just by the bedside, his dark eyes drilling into her own. He wasn't crying any longer. Instead he wore a malicious smile that was significantly more disturbing than the weeping. "He'll use you up and leave you empty and alone. You'll be nothing but a shell…a walking, talking husk of your former self…dying as you'll live…useless and forsaken," he said in a dead, cold voice.

"No," she whispered as she reached her hand out to him, but he moved back into the shadows, his hard gaze never leaving her face.

Her lover reclaimed her lips and her attention as his pace grew frenetic, all patience lost as the promise of release drew near. She cried his name as she finally peaked, her body convulsing in pleasure as the voice in her head wept in despair; all the while Alistair's pain-filled voice whispered "You promised," from across the room over and over again. "You promised."

Alyx startled awake, stifling the cry that jumped to her lips as she returned to full consciousness. She gulped deep breaths of air as she desperately tried to calm her racing heart. She swiped an arm across her sweaty brow before detangling her legs from the sheets, eventually throwing them off all together with a frustrated humph. Jumping out of the bed, she crossed the room to the sideboard where she always kept a pitcher of water. With a shaky hand she poured herself a glass, quickly draining its contents before pouring another. When she was finally satisfied she slumped into the closest chair, pulling her legs up and clamping her arms tightly around them as she curled her body into a tight ball.

Well that was different, she thought as her body convulsed with the memory of her dream. She didn't need anyone to tell her what it meant. She was only too aware of the reasons behind it. Leave it to me to play out all of my insecurities in one dream, she added to herself wryly.

She should have expected as much really. Ever since the moment she discovered her true feelings for a certain fellow warden, Alyx had felt a constant stream of guilt pulsing steadily within her heart. It was silly, she knew. Alistair was dead, and she had every right to move on, but that didn't stop her from feeling as if she were somehow betraying her late husband. Sighing heavily she leaned her head back against the cool stone wall. Guilt, it seemed, had become her constant companion over the years.

Yet guilt, she knew, wasn't the true crux of the problem. What disturbed her more than anything was her body's telltale reaction to her subconscious meanderings. Sure, she hadn't been with a man in over two years. It would only be natural for her body to crave the intimacy she'd long denied it, and after such a dream…well, a little sexual frustration was understandable. No, it wasn't the actual reaction itself but the intensity of her need that both stunned and shamed her.

It was all his fault.

Had he not kissed her she wouldn't be experiencing or thinking about any of this, and he would certainly not be making such lurid cameos in her dreams. Had he not kissed her, she wouldn't be haunted by the memory of his lips moving over hers, or the way his eyes had darkened with desire. She knew what he tasted like now and she wanted more…ever so much more than she should or could ask from him. She couldn't afford the distraction. None of them could for that matter.

Sighing, Alyx blew a strand of hair from out of her face as she balanced her chin on her knees. After her embarrassing run-in with Anders and Nate at Velanna's joining she'd come to the conclusion that it would be best for her to act as if nothing had happened between them…a concept easier said than done. Oh, she could avoid them both for the time being, but in just a couple of days they would be back on the road and she would have no choice but to be in their company. The very idea scared the hell out of her.

How was she to act naturally when she couldn't so much as look at him without longing for his kiss? Surely he would see it written across her face? The others were bound to notice and then everything would unravel. They would all end up as fodder to the darkspawn and it would all be because she suddenly couldn't control her feelings. She'd spent the past couple of years learning how to bury her emotions, yet all it took was one harmless little show of affection to bust the flood gates wide open. She cursed herself for being such a weak fool. Wasn't this exactly what got her in trouble the first time around?

It had all happened so quickly with Alistair, or so it had felt at the time (though admittedly she'd been drifting in and out of reality from the moment she and Duncan had fled Highever). She'd been drowning in sorrow after the massacre of her family and desperately trying to put on a brave face for Duncan and her fellow recruits. Then all of a sudden here was this big, beautiful man who was perhaps one of the most kindhearted, forgiving souls she'd ever met, and he was looking at her as if she were some Thedas-bound goddess. A few stuttered words of appreciation and one thoughtful token of his affection and she was all over him like a starving mabari with a bone. She'd been determined to glean at least some happiness from the appalling situation they'd found themselves in, consequences be damned, but then she had to go and fall in love with the man. And then...no. It had been a hard lesson to learn, but she knew now that she couldn't put her own happiness before her duty; especially now that she was leading in an official capacity. She refused to let that happen again.

Alyx had the sudden need for movement. She hastily donned her armor and was out in the training yard just as the sun began to rise over the horizon. She was diligently whacking away at a practice dummy when she heard a familiar chuckle. She looked up to see Zevran leaning comfortably against the wall, his lips twisted up into a typical saucy grin.

"Tsk. . What'd that poor dummy ever do to you?" he drawled.

"Sod off," she muttered before going back to attacking the hapless dummy.

"Ah, but it is you who requested my presence dear Warden…or have you changed your mind?" he asked as he crossed to stand next to her.

She had requested his presence, just as she had every morning since she'd awaken from her poison-induced coma. She'd simply forgotten…but then again she did have quite a bit on her mind at the moment.

"Right," she snapped as she dropped her stance and turned to face him. "You ready?"

"For you? I am always ready," he replied as he drew his blades.

Alyx wanted to be sure she was back to her full capabilities before they left for the Knotwood Hills, so she recruited Zevran to train with her in the early hours before most of the others would be awake. She'd chosen him for two reasons: because the former assassin knew better than anyone how to be discrete, and because he was by far the best choice as a sparring partner. He favored dual blades the same as she, and was the only one of her companions she'd taught any of her skills to. She never had to hold back with Zevran, which was a good thing considering her mood of late.

They slowly circled each other, studying each other for across the yard. She almost always let her sparring partner make the first move, but Zevran was wearing a knowing smile that only served to heighten her temper. She struck with a sharp, rapid stroke that he easily blocked, followed by several consecutive jabs that bounced off his blades with a loud clang.

"My, aren't we in a rare mood this morning?" Zevran drawled as his grin grew wider.

Alyx bared her teeth at him as she struck again and again and grew further annoyed by her friend's lack of response beyond simply blocking her attacks.

"Shall I guess what has put you in such poor humor, hmm?" Zevran continued as they sparred. "Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that our dear Arl Teagan has been pouting ever since his interview with you yesterday…no? Then it must be one of your other delectable suitors. I've heard they've been quite…lippy of late."

Alyx sucked in a breath.

"How do you know about that?" she seethed.

"Leliana told me," he replied, flashing her yet another wicked grin.

"Of course," Alyx snorted before her face drained of all its color. "You don't think she's told Fergus do you?"

"Our dear bard might be as loose tongued as an Antivan whore, but even she would know better than to tell your overprotective brother that your men have been pawing at you without your explicit permission, but you digress," he said as he finally made his first offensive move.

Alyx easily parried his physical attacks, but she could tell that he was holding back on her…yet another annoyance to add to her steadily growing list.

"My mood is none of your business Zev," she growled as she swiped at him again.

"I was simply curious my dear Falcon, I meant no offense," he began. "But it has occurred to me that you and I are two sides of the same coin."

"What are you talking about?" she snapped.

"We bear the same wounds, no? Yet have taken quite a different approach to living with the pain. I take my pleasure wherever I might find it, never to offer my heart in exchange, whereas you have been given a second chance at love and deny your heart's desire."

"What would you know of my feelings!" she spat furiously, her breath coming in short gasps with the exertion of their sparring.

"You might be able to fool the others but you forget that I've built a career on knowing how to read people," Zevran replied in a soft voice. "I've seen the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. Your expression, your voice, your entire being softens at the mere mention of his name, yet when he's in the same room…you come alive. It reminds me of how you were with—"

"That's quite enough," Alyx hissed in a low, dangerous tone.

"Oh, but it's not nearly enough. You want him, Falcon, and it frightens you."

Alyx let out a cry of frustration as she raised her blades and brought them swiftly down over his head. Again her strike was blocked, the blow reverberating up her arms. She could see Zevran's eyes gleaming with challenge through their crossed blades.

"What scares you the most?" he asked in a cool, taunting voice. "That if you give in to your desire you could lose him, or is it that instead you might find yourself?"

"I said enough!" she bellowed as she shoved back against him with all her strength.

Zevran tumbled to the ground with a look of surprise as Alyx stood over him and raised her blades high above her head. With a grunt she plunged both blades into the ground on either side of his torso before pushing herself to her full height. She swiped a hand over her mouth before she turned to walk away.

"Falcon, if you want—"

"I-want-I-want since when have I ever been able to do what I want?" she growled as she turned back to glare at Zevran. "And why the hell does everyone suddenly seem to care what I want? No one asked me if I wanted to lead an army against the blight, or if I wanted to fall in love, only to see him die just days after our wedding. No one asked me if I wanted to hide my child away like some dirty little secret, or to be parted from her for Maker knows how long so that I could save Fereldan from the darkspawn…again. You all act as if I have a choice in the matter. From the moment I took my Joining I had no choice. I didn't even want to be a warden in the first place, but it was either that or die with the rest of my family." Alyx spat as she frantically began to pace. She chuckled dryly as she looked back at Zevran. "You know what one of the last things my father said to me?'A Cousland always does their duty first.' I've lived by those words for the whole of my life and now that everyone seems to think I should do what I want, I can't! I bloody can't," she yelled, her face red with rage. "So all of you can just take your bloody advice and shove it up your collective arses!"

Zevran smiled and slowly clapped his hands together in applause as he got to his feet.

"Now there's our fiery Falcon," he said as he closed the distance between them. Alyx blanched as his words, her face draining of color as she grasped their meaning.

"You did that on purpose," she said accusingly.

"Guilty as charged," he replied nonchalantly.

"Why?" she asked, baffled.

"You keep too much to yourself my friend. It was only a matter of time before you exploded. Better to do so amongst friends instead of the darkspawn, no? And you do feel better, don't you?"

"I…yes actually," she said in surprise. "But really Zev, picking a fight with me? Surely there was a better way."

"It was either that or to seduce you, which to my mind would have been a far more pleasurable way of releasing your tension, but something tells me that such an offer would not go over very well…at least not coming from me," he said as he flashed her a wicked grin.

"You would be right," she murmured, trying desperately to hide the blush that crept into her cheeks. Zevran laughed.

"You should blush more often, my dear. It becomes you," he said, which caused her to blush even further.

"You are a cad Zevran Arainai! A gentleman should never poke fun at a woman's feelings," Alyx scolded.

"Ah, but I am no gentleman," he replied with a lascivious smile.

"Of that there is no doubt," she said with a soft chuckle before her expression turned serious again. "Tell me something, Zev…what you said before…about the way I am around him…is it really that obvious?"

"No. Not to anyone who doesn't know you as well as I…and before you ask your secret is safe with me. But do yourself a favor, my friend. Don't wait too long to tell him how you feel. You might wake up one day to find another has stolen his heart."

He gave her such a look after this statement that Alyx's heart dropped down into her toes.

"Oh Zev," she whispered, her eyes going wide. "You don't mean that…"

"How do you know I wasn't speaking of him? I kid, I kid! You were always far too perceptive for your own good, and far too soft-hearted. Do not worry about me. I've known for some time now that you and I were not meant to be…unlike you and—"

"Uh-uh! Stop right there."

"Fine, have it your way, but you cannot run from the truth forever. What I meant to say…before you so rudely interrupted…was this: whatever I may or may not have felt for you does not matter in the grand scheme of things. What is important is that you are my dearest, cherished friend, and I will always be there for you," Zevran replied seriously before his lips twisted up into a typical wicked grin. "But just so you know, the offer to have wild, animalistic sex is still on the table…should you ever change your mind."

Alyx rolled her eyes but she smiled and patted him on the shoulder good-naturedly.

"I'll keep that in mind," she murmured as they turned to walk back into the Keep. "And Zev? It means the world to me that you want to help me sort through all of this, and for that I give you my thanks, but do me a favor…never do it again."

*Muse Tunes: Muse Tunes: "Sookie Dreams" by Nathan Barr (True Blood: Season 2 OST); "From a Shell" by Lisa Germano; "Car Chase" by James Horner (A Beautiful Mind OST); "Rowena" by Michael Kamen (Mr. Holland's Opus OST).