It's finally here! Rick Sanchez is finally here! Now, I set the Rick and Morty timeline at the point when Beth and Jerry are divorced. Yes, I did watch the entire season 3, but I'm not using Jerry anyways, so it works. As for the rest of the chapter, a twist is coming with Steven coming in the next chapter, so I hope you'll excuse the possible OOC-ness. Otherwise, I hope you'll enjoy the chapter and leave a review! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own Rick and Morty, Gravity Falls, or Steven Universe
This jump was different for them- the others had been relatively nauseating, but this one felt like a wrecking ball to their bodies. Ford's homing device may have been inaccurate, but it was gentle compared to the intense roller coaster they were all sent on. In addition, this jump was over relativity quick compared to the other jumps. The trip was over just as soon as it began- with each of them barely registering that they hit the ground, and had face-plants full of grass.
Dipper groaned before getting up, spiting out several grass pieces as he did. Dusting himself off, Dipper muttered a few select words after realizing just how much his head hurt. Looking around himself, he was relieved to find that both of his uncles and the Crystal Gems had survived. Each of them were slowly gaining conscience, and seemed to be in the same state Dipper was in.
Taking a look around himself, Dipper was shocked to find that they were all in the middle of... someone's back yard. Seriously! After all the crazy worlds and space terminals, Dipper was pleasantly surprised to find himself in a backyard with grass, a fence, and a shed. He briefly wondered if Uncle Ford got the coordinates wrong. "Uncle Ford... is this it?"
"Uhh... the coordinates are right." Ford said, looking at the device. "But I'm not sure."
"What do you mean not sure, didn't you work with this guy?" Stan groaned, straightening out his back.
"Yes, but he never invited me to his home." Ford explained.
"Then how do we know that this is the right place?" Amethyst asked.
"We ask... I guess?" Pearl suggested hesitantly.
"Okay..." Everyone looked at the house behind them in uncertainty. "Any volunteers?" Lapis asked sarcastically.
Before anyone could respond, a teenage human girl opened the sliding glass door and closed it behind her. She was on her phone texting, and hadn't even bothered looking up. Dipper blushed, she was in a pink tank top and white capri pants- Mabel was right, he did have a thing for older women.
Clearing his throat, Ford called out. "Excuse me, young lady?"
"Ugh! What?!" The girl scoffed in annoyance before looking up. "I don't know who you people are, but I can't deal with Grandpa Rick's problems right now. There was a party, and I wasn't invited!" The girl walked way, without saying anything else to them.
"So... that was unexpected." Garnet said. "Apparently, Sanchez has a family."
"Yeah... Uncle Ford... are you sure we're in the right place?" Dipper asked again.
"The coordinates are the same as before." Ford once again found the readings were correct.
After a moment of awkward silence, Stan finally spke up: "So are we going to stand around all day, or what?"
Looking at the house, Pearl gulped: "Let's go in."
Taking tentative steps forward, they opened the door to find a normal looking kitchen leading to a normal looking living room. Really, there was nothing of note about this house- nothing like the mad scientist laboratory setup they were expecting.
In fact, there was nothing out of the ordinary about this house- other than the fact that THEY were being treated as if it were normal. They noted a blonde woman in a red shirt and blue jeans on the couch reading a book about divorce coping, who didn't seem to even notice them.
"Hey mom!" They're attention snapped when a young male voice enter the room, he wore a yellow shirt and blue jeans and also appeared average. "Why didn't the alarm go off?!"
"Hm?" The woman looked up and saw the two sets of intruders and then turned to her son. "Oh, I needed to charge my phone and the outlet was full."
"Mom! That alarm keeps out invaders from other worlds! Like you know- the Galactic Federation!" The boy exclaimed exasperated.
"Oh relax, these guys seem cool!" She waved off her son's concerns. "You guys aren't with the Galactic Federation, right?"
"No, we're not." Ford spoke up. "Is this the home of Rick Sanchez?"
"Yes it is, and always will be." The woman answered and then stood up. "I have to get to the clinic, have fun on your adventure with grandpa, Morty!"
After the woman, the boy groaned and turned to the group. "You guys here to see Rick?"
"Yeah... who are you exactly?" Dipper asked carefully.
"I'm Morty, Rick's grandson." The boy sighed and walked to another door that presumable led into the garage. "Hey Rick! There are some people from another universe here to see you!"
"Tell them to eat shit, Morty!" A voice shouted. "And what the hell happened to the alarm! It should've disintegrated them by now or something!"
"Mom unplugged it to charge her phone!" Morty yelled. "They say they're here for you!"
"No shit, Morty! What (burp) else would they be here for?!" Rick shouted back.
Meanwhile, the Crystal Gems and Gravity Falls crew was getting sick of the back and forth. Pearl in particular, couldn't take it anymore.
"Enough of this!" She drew out her weapon and ran forward.
"Pearl! No!" Ford yelled.
"Out of my way!" Pearl shoved Morty aside, and ran into the garage. BANG! Pearl instantly fell to the ground, feeling the impact of the sudden energy beam. Pearl groaned and looked up to see a thin male gunman with grew hair and labcoat, exactly like the one Peridot mentioned in reports. The man was glaring down at her, pointing some kind of ray-gun at her.
"Big mistake bitch." Before he could pull the trigger- more people rushed into the lab, forcing Rick's attention away from the fallen gem. Seeing her chance, Pearl scrambled back to her comrades and was assisted by Amethyst as she stood up.
"Rick please... just put the weapon down... we come in peace." Ford put his hands up and opened his coat, showing he had no weapons or means of attack.
"Tch. That's what every cliché sci-fi villain ever says- fuck, I say 'I come in peace' if it gets me laid faster!" Rick scoffed. "What do you want, Ford? Who the hell are these fuckers with you?!"
"This is my nephew Dipper and twin brother Stan." He indicated respectively.
"How's it going?" Stan said.
"Nice to meet you." Dipper nodded.
"And we are the Crystal-" Garnet was cutoff.
"Dipper? What kind of fucking name is that? Did your parents hate you or just give you a fucking stupid name that isn't resume' quality- either way you parents (burp) screwed you over. The circle of life and shit." Rick then shifted his weapon to the group of women. "Now who the fuck are you guys supposed to be? Your friend has a hell of a lot of nerve to break into my lab, and I haven't had NEARLY enough booze to put up with bullshit."
"Please sir, there is no need for violence." Garnet spoke up. "We are the Crystal Gems of a different Earth than your friend Ford, and we have come to retrieve Steven Universe."
"We are group of highly intelligent beings from a planet called Homeworld, but have made our home on Earth primarily thanks to Steven. Well for me and Lazuli anyways." Peridot added.
"Never heard of him, another stupid name, get out!" Rick rolled his eyes and put his gun away. "Morty, how long has the alarm been off-line?"
"About two hours or so." Morty answered.
"What about the Earth's signal scrambler?" Rick asked.
"That's still online, according to this actually." Morty handed Rick some kind of tablet.
"Well shit Ford, didn't think you had it in yah!" After pushing a button, and a bunch lasers and other weapons surrounded both groups.
"Rick, what are you doing?!" Ford exclaimed.
"You think I'm fucking stupid Ford?! The only way you could've found the universe I'm currently in, is if you had used a signal scrambler- something only the Galactic Federation has their hands on. I don't know what they offered you, but you shouldn't have made that deal Ford!" Rick laughed.
"Wait! We're not working with the Galactic Federation! We stole them!" Dipper exclaimed.
"Wait, what?" Rick pushed another button, and had the lasers on standby. "What do you mean stole them? How the fuck would you have been able to pull that off?"
"We've been trying to find your universe for the past few hours, and were taking a rest in a space terminal. They approached us after recognizing me." Ford hastily explained.
"Then they offered us some bogus deal where they would offer us these weapons, and anything else they had, to help capture you." Stan added.
"But then Ford said no, and they got really mad." Amethyst continued. "It turned into an all-out brawl! Pearl and I had to fuse!"
"Of course there were the henchmen." Garnet pointed out.
"I helped with that." Lapis rose her hand.
"And finally, I used my telekinesis ability to retrieve the devices and then we ended here! Which catches us up to our current predicament." Peridot explained.
Narrowing his eyes, Rick signaled his lasers to disarm. "You know better than to betray me, right Ford?"
"Wouldn't dream of it." The man shuddered.
"Fine- I'm bored today, so let's hear it! The lame-ass reasons for why you're here!" Rick exclaimed, and then turned to his grandson. "Morty hand me a pair of sunglasses."
"Sure Rick." Morty did as he was asked, and just stood awkwardly in the garage between the intruders and his grandpa.
When Rick began working on the sunglasses, he groaned. "Ugh! What the hell are you waiting for?! Talk! You said something about a Steven or something?"
"And Mabel!" Dipper spoke up.
"What?" Rick didn't turn around.
"My sister Mabel! Where is she?!" Dipper repeated.
"Mabel?! Geez, what the hell were your parents on when they named you? One name is so old MY grandma could've been named it, and your name is some hipster's half-ass attempt at being unique." Rick replied.
"Their names aren't important! Just tell use where Steven and Mabel are!" Pearl shouted.
"I don't know who they are (burp) nor do I give a shit." Rick finally turned around and put on the sunglasses. After pressing a button he added to the glasses, he scanned everyone for a brief moment and sighed. "Geez, living gemstones- that's something pretty original. You'd make good weapons though."
"We're not weapons." Garnet growled. "Please refrain from calling us that, with your fowl mouth."
"I'm Rick Sanchez bitch, the censors can go fuck themselves!" Rick replied and took off the glasses. "Okay I just got a fanfic wikipedia page of the adventure you guys had so far- typical crossover shit, but hopefully things'll get interesting soon."
"Wait, so you saw everything we went through?" Peridot asked.
"I just said that. I don't have the time to play catchup with you fucking idiots, so I just watched it happen and self-summarized it! Like how the journals and VHS tapes randomly connect you somehow, which the author better not forget about!" Rick rolled his eyes.
"So you know why we're here then, Rick?" Ford asked.
"Yeah, and you wasted your time." Rick went back to working on something else. "I don't have them."
Pearl clenched her hands. "What do you mean- don't have them?"
"Just what I said- jeez!" Rick scoffed. "Why the fuck would I kidnap two annoying little shits that only exist in their respective universes to embody the sense of innocence and normalcy for the audience?! God, it'd be like abducting Morty on crack or something."
"Well Rick... you have kidnapped aliens before." Morty pointed out.
"Aliens- Morty! Aliens! Not two annoying shits that literally exist, just to be annoying." Rick scoffed.
"Hey man, stop talking about Steven like that! It's not cool!" Amethyst stated.
"You're in my lab, bitch- I can talk shit about whatever I want." Rick replied.
"Rick!" Ford got his attention again. "If Steven and Mabel aren't here, where are they?"
"How the fuck would I know? Do I look like I keep track of random universes?" Rick shot back.
"No, but our universes aren't random are they?" Garnet spoke up. "If you've analyzed us, then you obviously know my abilities. According to Peridot's reports, you visited our universe for a barrage of purposes?"
"You're the place with the living gem stones- so yeah. I went there to see if any of those planets had anything useful, but your fucking Homeworld colonies sucked out anything useful before I could harvest- thanks for making those trips wastes of time by the way." Rick answered.
"We're not with Homeworld!" Pearl exclaimed. "We rebelled against them under our leader Rose Quartz, and now her son is missing! He went missing under similar circumstances, which you directly caused!"
"And our universe wasn't random either!" Dipper spoke up. "You tricked Uncle Ford into letting you have access to Gravity Falls, so you could unleash Bill there!"
"And from what we heard, you flat-out knew Weirdmaggedn was gonna and you didn't do anything to stop it." Stan recalled.
"And if I did? So what!" The old scientist scoffed. "I taught Ford and his useless piece of shit friend- guy who became a prospector or something- and he made himself useful."
Dipper was enraged. "Do you have any idea what you caused?! What you unleashed there?! Our world was almost destroyed because of you!"
"Oh geez man... you're barking up the wrong tree for apologies." Morty sighed.
"Why?! You deliberately unleashed Bill on Gravity Falls and did nothing to help us!" Dipper demanded.
"Why the fuck would I help you? You guys were just a little petridish I setup for that dumbass experiment, to see if he break it. You see you little shit, Gravity Falls was just a playpen and I wanted to see if Bill could climb out of it. He should've been able to blast you and the rest of Gravity Falls to hell, but he got hung up on the sadism." Rick sighed. "Total fucking failure."
"So you really have no remorse- for Gravity Falls, me, or Mabel?! We almost lost Grunkle Stan because of you!" Dipper yelled.
"But you didn't! And newsflash, you could've just gone to a parallel universe to get another one- each universe has infinite time-lines- take your pick." Rick waved it off.
Dipper was even more livid at the man's flippant attitude- how could he just treat people like that?! Life like that?!
As if reading his mind, Rick stated: "I did it cause I'm Rick-fucking-Sanchez bitch!"
Clearing his throat, Ford spoke again. "Yes- we know you are, which is why you're the only one who can help us."
"You mentioned needing my help already- still not seeing why I should." Rick turned back to his work.
Morty spoke up again. "Well Rick... they fought against the Galactic Federation. That's kind of cool, right?"
"That's the only reason why they're alive Morty, it's not doing them any other favors." Rick shrugged.
"We should've just accepted their proposal in defeating Sanchez." Peridot grumbled.
"Then you'd (burp) be fucking dead." He replied nonchalantly.
"We did fight the Galactic Federation Rick, and we saw something that might interest you." Ford suddenly changed his tone.
"Yeah? What's that?" Rick laughed.
"Bird Person." In an instant, the temperature in the air dropped and everyone felt the tension raise significantly. "You saw it in our memories too, right? He's now called Phoenix Person."
"...Where?" Rick got up, and went to his work shelves.
"At the last space terminal we were at- they had brought him back to life somehow. They're most likely going to use him as leverage." Ford explained.
"No shit." Rick reached into his pocket, and took a swig of alcohol. "Tell me everything you know, now!"
"Not until you hear us out!" Ford replied.
"You really want to try bargaining right now, Ford?" Rick glared at him.
"Yes. You can't kill us, otherwise you won't have information on Bird Person. So please Rick- a simple exchange. I help you, and you help us." Ford pleaded.
"Please..." Lapis spoke up. "Steven's missing. He's our friend... he's our family."
"And Mabel's my sister- we just want to know where they went and why they disappeared." Dipper added.
"We're desperate. If you don't help us, we'll have no other options." Pearl said quietly.
"UGH! Fine! But Ford- tell me EVERYTHING you noticed about Bird Person! From the biomechanics they used, to the material the skin was made of. Don't bitch out on any details!"
/
Steven was beside himself as Bismuth finished her stories about the Gem War, they were pretty much what Steven expected but he didn't realize just how involved his mother was in the battles. He knew she was the leader and everything, but dang! Looking down, he petted Lion and noted he didn't look any better than before. He had no idea how long it had been since Bill had taken Lion's power or essence, or whatever, but he was sure at least half an hour had passed.
"Wow! I am so jealous the Crystal Gems don't live my universe! You guys are the best example of girl power!" Mabel raised her fist.
"Nah! We the definition of the all powerful!" Bismuth laughed. "Not even the Diamonds could crush us..."
"But some of your friends got shattered, huh?" Mabel placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I know what you mean... I nearly lost my Grunkle Stan cause of what Bill's Weirdmaggeden war. When I thought we lost him, that was already unbearable... I couldn't imagine losing so many good friends. How'd you get through it Bismuth?"
"Well truthfully... I didn't get over it." Bismuth admitted sadly "I made Breaking Point cause I couldn't take it anymore- if I saw another Crystal Gem shatter- I didn't know what I could do. But Rose bubbled me, and basically guaranteed they would all shatter."
"No all of them did though." Steven spoke up. "Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl- they were all there and welcomed you back."
"Yeah... how'd they take it by the way? When you told them about what happened between us?" Bismuth asked.
"They were devastated." Steven answered honestly. "Pearl was in tears, while Garnet and Amethyst could barely believe it. They didn't want to believe mom kept such a secret from them, but they just... accepted it in the end. Pearl didn't say anything for days afterward, while Amethyst and Garnet were just quieter... well Garnet was quieter than usual and would just stare off into space. I asked her if she had any visions about you and me fighting, but she said she didn't get any."
"She's lying." Bismuth sighed. "She probably thought if she encouraged positive interactions, she'd get a positive outcome- Garnet likes to make her own future sometimes."
"I guess. I wish she was here, to tell me if Lion will be okay or not." Steven sighed, petting his head.
Mabel crouched down to the pink cat. "He doesn't look too good, Steven. I told you not to make that deal with Bill!"
"What else was I supposed to do?! Bismuth was shattering! I didn't have any other choice!" Steven snapped.
"Maybe, but Bill also could probably bring Bismuth back in this space! I've been inside Bill's spaces before! He has complete control over what happens to us! He just used Bismuth into forcing you into making a deal!" Mabel stood up. "And that is the WORST thing you can do with Bill, especially with the deal you made!"
"Woah! Woah!" Bismuth stopped the fight. "Hold up there, both of you! Mabel, what do you mean that's the worst thing you can do with Bill?"
"Bill can't take anything directly from you, unless you make a deal with him. That means, taking over your body, entering your world, or kidnapping someone to his own world!" Mabel glared at Steven. "He either butters you up or traps you into a corner, where you have no choice but to make a deal with him!"
"Yeah! Like with Lion!" Steven pointed out.
"But he could've probably brought Lion back to life, or we might've been able to rescue Lion if we beat him!" Mabel argued.
"How can you be sure of that?!" Steven demanded.
"Because my brother and I did it in Weirdmaggeden!" Mabel snapped.
"What do you mean, girl? What's this Weirdmaggeden battle you keeping mentioning?" Bismuth asked.
"When Bill entered our world, he released all sorts of demons and monsters! And worse, he turned almost all of the Gravity Falls residents into stone and he made a throne of them! He sat on them, while they were screaming in agony!" Mabel started tearing up, remembering the awful sequence. "After we beat Bill, the townspeople and the town went back to normal. Well, normal as can be after that anyways. I've been through this before, I know how Bill's power works and he gets stronger every time you make a deal with him!"
Clenching his fists, Steven asked: "So what do we do?"
"The next time Bill shows himself, we have to outsmart him! We either have to trick him into letting us go by turning a deal around on him, or we have to summon up weapons to fight him." Mabel explained.
"Which one's more likely to get us victory?" Bismuth asked.
"Tricking him." Mabel answered and continued when she met Steven and Bismuth's confused looks. "My family and I have done it before, in fact- that's how we beat him! We tricked the great Bill Cipher into making a deal with us, and we beat him!"
"How?" Steven asked.
"By doing the same thing he does- making the deals as open-ended for us but limiting the options for him. The one weakness of Bill's deals is that both sides have to be satisfied." Mabel explained. "Basically, if one of the condition's isn't met or if both of them are done- then the deal is done and Bill can't do anymore. At least for whatever he asked for in the deal."
"I don't really get it." Steven admitted.
"Well... an example would be the deal Grunkle Stan and Ford made with him in Weirdmaggeden... in exchange for giving Bill the knowledge about how to get out of Gravity Falls, he let me and Dipper go. Dipper and I were supposed to distract him during the fight, while Grunkle Stan and Ford prepared something." Mabel explained. "However instead of entering Uncle Ford's mind, he entered Grunkle Stan's and he... we almost lost him when he erased Bill along with his mind."
"Woah..." Bismuth was impressed.
Mabel wiped some tears and continued. "Bill never specified which mind he had to enter, nor did he say how he wanted to leave Gravity Falls. We thought he was dead... he should be dead! Why is this happening again?!" Mabel was sobbing at this point, and looked at Steven when he placed a hand on her shoulder. "Steven... why did you bring me here? Why can't we go home?"
Biting his lip, Steven looked away from Mabel and Bismuth. "I asked for Bill to bring a friend so I could have some company, but I didn't specifically say from Beach City. And worst of all... I never asked for a time limit. From what you said, Bill can keep us in here as long as he wants. We don't have any way to fight back."
"Steven..." Bismuth whispered. "Why would you do that?"
"Like I said, my mom left me so many of her problems and so many unanswered questions- you included- and then my dad got kidnapped by Blue Diamond cause of me and-"
"Woah, woah! Blue Diamond showed up?!" Bismuth exclaimed. "On Earth?!"
"Yes! She took dad to Pink Diamond's old human zoo! I kept seeing her citadel in dreams and I started crying tears without warning! I was feeling her tears through my dreams! I felt her tears as she was arguing with Yellow Diamond-"
"Wait! Yellow Diamond was there too?!" Bismuth was shocked. It was rare for two diamonds to be seen with eachother outside of Homeworld.
"Yes! They were talking and singing about missing Pink Diamond, with Yellow Diamond saying the Earth should just be destroyed! All this, because my mom shattered Pink Diamond!" Steven yelled.
"Hey! That's not the only reason why the Diamonds wanted ot destroy Earth! Remember, that initiative took off WAY before Rose Quartz was formed." Bismuth pointed out. "By shattering Pink Diamond, your mom led the battles for Earth's freedom. I may be mad at Rose Quartz, but there's no way I'll sit here and listen to you badmouth her, when you weren't even there!"
"I thought you hated my mom..." Steven muttered.
"I do... but even those who hate her, respect her. You wanna know why?" Bismuth said. "Because she NEVER ran away from her problems. She stood tall and took it- much more than I can say about you."
"Guess that also makes me different than here." Steven clenched his fists.
"Steven." Mabel spoke up. "I know you already said you came here to escape from all that pressure, but is this really worth it? I mean- look at Lion! He's dying!"
Looking at his pet, Steven stroked his head. "Yeah... and I'll make whatever deal I can to save him."
"Steven no... whatever Bill's doing, it's obviously hurting Lion." Mabel warned.
"Yeah well, you know what they say..." Steven's frown slowly started to morph into a smile. A very wrong smile to Mabel. "No pain, no gain."
/
After going over the battle in extreme detail, Rick reluctantly began analyzing the two universes to see if he could spot the culprit. Meanwhile, Morty had gotten their human guests orange juice while the Crystal Gems preferred just standing around.
Sighing, Morty sat down next to Dipper. "Don't feel bad about the name-thing, Rick makes me feel like shit all the time."
"How can you stand working for him?" Dipper asked.
"It's kind of a numbing process, actually. I'm thinking of writing a book about it actually- 'The Twelve Steps of Rick: The process of becoming an enslaved sidekick.'" Morty laughed.
"Is he really your grandpa? No offense, but I'm surprised someone like him even has a family." Dipper observed.
"Yeah... I've asked him that before and have never gotten a clear answer. I think he just likes to use my mom's abandonment issues to bum off us." Morty shrugged.
"What does your dad think about this?" Dipper asked. "I mean, are both your parents REALLY okay with you having cosmic adventures with a... sadistic drunk with a God-complex?"
"My parents divorced cause dad couldn't take anymore Rickness, and I wouldn't say Rick has a God-complex, so much as he think everyone's beneath him." Morty explained. "But in saying that, he does keep his word usually- and you guys did give him information about Bird Person, so he's probably going to help you."
"Thanks for the reassurance." Dipper groaned. "What about Bill? Why would your grandpa make something like that?"
"Oh- that's far from the worst thing Rick's ever made. I mean Summer and I have a running tally of out of control experiments or just plain horrible things Rick has done, but creating an evil God triangle thing is one of the least terrible items." Morty explained.
"Just when I thought I couldn't possibly feel worse about being here." Dipper groaned.
"Seriously, can you find Steven or not?" Amethyst spoke up.
"Shut up! I'm working on it!" Rick growled.
"Perhaps your intellect is not as superior as you would like to perceive." Peridot taunted.
"It better be." Pearl growled. "That's the ONLY reason why we haven't eviscerated you."
"Oh I'm so scared of the big bad gemstones that shatter if their precious stones, which are exposed by the way, are damaged in any way." Rick snorted.
"But you can find him, right?" Lapis reiterated.
"Yes, now shut up." Rick continued scanning.
"Hey Garnet." Stan spoke up. "Didn't you say one of your vision thingies involved Bill?"
"Bill? We considered that possibility yes, but-" Ford was cut off.
"Oh my fucking god! Why didn't you say you thought it was Bill sooner!" Rick shouted and quickly typed something in. "Holy shit! Look at this!"
"What is it?!" Ford and the others ran forward to the screen, and saw a bunch of physicians equations that honestly made ancient hieroglyphics easy to read. But Ford, Pearl and Peridot seemed to recognize the severity as Rick, as they gasped. "So it was Bill..."
"What's this say?! Where's my sister?! What's he done with Mabel?!" Dipper demanded.
"And Steven?!" Pearl added.
"I don't know! Shut the fuck up! Ford! You and your dumbass brother there said you trapped Bill in his mind or something, and gave yourself amnesia or something when you erased him?!" Rick clarified.
"Yes!" Ford answered. "How is Bill alive?!"
"I don't know yet- he shouldn't be. Bill was a metaphysical concept brought to life, so if you trapped him in an open-ended deal with no escape, then he should've bit the dust." Rick responded. "But my equations are never wrong... Bill's back and he's the one who went annoying shit harvesting."
"Why... how's he alive?!" Dipper demanded.
"I don't know, you little shit! How many times do you want me to say it! Or how about Spanish?! Would you like that?!" Rick snapped.
"Hey! I've had enough of you talking to my nephew like that!" Stan brought out his brass knuckles, but Ford stopped him. "No Ford! I've had enough of this guy!"
"If a fight breaks out here, then we won't ever find them." Garnet reasoned. "So we now know who took Steven and Mabel? Now how do we find them?"
"He's keeping them on some alternate reality plain that he took over." Rick explained. "Bastard's probably biding his time while cooking up another plan to become something other than an Illuminati concept. It's not like he can do anything else."
"What do you-" Dipper was cut off.
"What does he need Steven and Mabel for?" Pearl asked anxiously.
"I don't know about this Steven-shit, but for the Pines kid- revenge. Obviously! I mean you only burned him alive in your mind, so she's probably still alive just to be tortured." Rick shrugged.
Dipper looked like he was about to faint, before Stan steadied him. "You're on thin ice already, buddy."
Before Rick could respond, Lapis spoke up. "How do we find them?"
"You don't." Rick shrugged. "Whatever Bill's planning, he needs to break out of that alternative reality ass-crack first. To do that, he probably needs to use your two annoying shits for energy (burp) or something! So basically, he'll find you."
"What if he kills Mabel and Steven?!" Amethyst exclaimed.
"Then two less annoying shits in existence." Rick shrugged. "Again, you can choose any one of them from ANY alternative time-line in your universes."
CRACK! Pearl, Stan and Amethyst had drawn their weapons and broke several machines that were on shelves behind themselves.
"Don't you DARE talk about Steven like he's replaceable! You have no idea how much joy and purpose he brings us, and you have no idea just how distraught we are that he's not here!" Pearl exclaimed. "There is only ONE Steven Universe, and we intend to bring him home!"
"And there's only one Mabel! I may not remember her, but if she's any bit as great as Dipper- then she's definitely one of a kind!" Stan nodded.
"So tell us how to find them!" Amethyst concluded.
Rick glared and took out his flask, taking a big gulp. "Biiigg mistake bitches..." Walking towards them, he took out what looked like a Swiss Army knife- which meant it could've been anything. Before anything could happen, Morty quickly put himself in front of them. "Out of the way, Morty."
"Rick!" Morty spoke. "They're just emotional and not used to all this, okay? And once you tell them how to find Steven and Mabel, they'll leave. Right guys?"
"Affirmative." Peridot said, rubbing her head.
After a pregnant pause, Rick sighed. "Fine. I'll give you something to find them- it'll get you to wherever the fuck Bill's hiding, and maybe you'll find those idiots alive." Shoving the group aside, Rick reached for a top box and started shuffling through it. After finding what he was looking for, he took the device, walked passed Dipper and grabbed a piece of hair, and settled to his desk and started modifying it.
"Rick... thank you." Ford smiled.
After finishing, he tossed the device to Ford. "The thing's basically a hand-held metal detector- it detects Bill's presence. The more it beeps, the stronger the signal. Since Bill was made from me, I still have some sample data, so yeah... here yah go."
Rick then took his portal gun and shot it at the garage floor. "Now get out of here you little shits."
Without any resistance, the group started descending into wherever the hole was taking them to. When it came time for Ford's turn, he asked: "Where will that thing take us?"
"Don't know, don't care- set the portal gun at random." Rick shrugged. "Now get out."
"Well... thanks again Rick." After Ford finally passed through the portal, the opening closed and left Rick and Morty alone.
"Geez Rick- all they were doing was looking for lost family members. I mean, you don't have to be such as ass about it." Morty complained.
"You think I'm an ass about it? Wait (Burp!) till they see what shit-filled chamber pot's waiting for them at the end of their fucking rainbow." Rick replied, thinking he had to go back to that one universe with the fucking best Jack Daniels before those shits came back.