Chapter 35 - Taking the Plunge

"How long do you suppose we were in the fade?" Anders asked as he absently scratched his chin and frowned. Either he was being paranoid or there was another day or two's worth of stubble that hadn't been there before.

"It's hard to say. Time has no meaning in the fade, right?"" Falcon replied, her voice straining as she worked at one of the wooden stakes pinning Kristoff's tent to the ground. They had decided to go back to the dead warden's camp in order to collect his possessions to be brought back to the Vigil. Anders thought it a little creepy, but then again he supposed the gear did belong to Justice (albeit in a morbid, convoluted way).

"Precisely, Commander. Which means we could have been gone for mere hours or for days for all we know," Velanna replied from her perch on a nearby moss-covered stone.

Is anyone surprised that the elfin witch refuses to help…anyone? Anders thought as he shot Velanna a scathing glance. If Velanna saw the look, she chose to ignore it.

"This 'time' you speak of…I've heard other mortals talk of such things, but I've never been able to grasp its meaning," Justice said distractedly. He was sifting through Kristoff's personal affects, picking them up one by one and studying them with an intensity generally reserved to children. It made Anders shudder.

"All's I know is that I'm starving," he said as his stomach growled in agreement.

"You're always hungry," Falcon said with a soft chuckle.

"This coming from the woman who can devour an entire side of beef by herself," he retorted jokingly.

She blushed prettily at his teasing, causing a pool of desire to well up inside of him which was swiftly (and unsurprisingly) followed by an answering ache in his heart. It had become familiar, that flutter beneath his breastbone that was as painful as it was exhilarating. For weeks he had refused to put a name to it, had even denied it as long as he could, but now…he couldn't ignore it, not any longer.

Anders crossed his arms and leaned against a nearby tree as he studied Falcon's familiar, delicate features. How many times had he caught himself reaching for her, only to pull back at the last minute? And how many times had he nearly blurted out the words he'd never given to any woman before? Oh, he had no doubt she knew that he wanted her (it's not like he'd been terribly secretive about it), but did she know just how deep those feelings went? He didn't think so, but it was hard to tell with Falcon. The woman was far too good at keeping her thoughts and emotions to herself, no matter how expressive her eyes were.

It was this waiting that was killing him. He'd agreed to give her time to work things out but he had never been a patient man…less so now, knowing that even were he to survive the upcoming battles with the darkspawn, his time was finite. The more he thought about it the more he felt it was high time that he had a talk with her.

They left the Blackmarsh the moment the last of Kristoff's gear was stowed away for travel. Though the atmosphere had greatly improved since the veil was repaired and the Baroness slain, no one cared to remain any longer than necessary.

Anders wondered if the marsh would be inhabitable again now that its ghosts had been exorcised. It would likely take years before the Baroness's curse left the land completely…perhaps it never would. Yet it still felt like they'd accomplished a great fete by ridding the Blackmarsh of the witch that had started it all.

"Well I'll be a nug's uncle," Oghren gasped as they left the marsh, for the moment they crossed that invisible line again the mist lifted and the sun reappeared high and bright in a cloudless sky.

"Neat trick," Sigrun added as she twisted in her saddle to look back at the darkness behind them with her signature curiosity plain across her face.

"We had to have been in there for at least a full day. It was about this time of day when we first entered the marsh," Nate said as he looked up at the sun.

"Or not," Velanna interjected. "The entire marsh was under the Baroness's enchantment. 'Tis possible that many days have passed or no time at all. Who's to say?"

"We obviously won't know until we have an opportunity to ask after the date," Falcon replied. "In the meantime…there's a village not far from here. I thought we might see if there's an inn there."

"An inn…a real inn? With beds and walls and—"

"—and booze! Now yer' talkin' woman!" Oghren crowed with an approving grunt.

"Yes, a real inn," Falcon replied, laughter lacing her voice. "I, for one, am in no mood to sleep on the cold, hard ground. Besides, you all deserve a hot meal and a good night's rest after what we've been through."

Anders was inwardly doing a jig at this news. The idea of having four solid walls and a door that locked set his mind to racing. Oh, the possibilities! The voice in his head crowed in delight, but it wasn't meant to be. There was an inn; run by a kind, elderly couple that couldn't have been more pleased had the queen herself come to stay at their humble establishment. Unfortunately (despite their enthusiasm) there were only three rooms available, which of course meant they would all have to share. Anders shouldn't have been surprised to find himself rooming with Oghren, but he supposed it could be worse…he could be staying with Howe instead. Either way, the plans he'd already half-concocted were officially spoiled by this new development.

He was still determined to speak with Falcon at least, though the very idea of it made his stomach queasy. What if she turned him down? But what if she doesn't? The voice in his head countered. Since when were you one to play it safe? Get it together and go after her already!

So when Falcon announced she was going to go check on Valkyrie after the evening meal he decided to follow her. He tried not to notice Oghren raising his tankard in a silent toast as he stood to leave, or the knowing glances the others threw in his direction (though admittedly Howe's scathing glare made him smile just a little). The earthy scent of hay and manure greeted him as he entered the stables. They were comforting in their familiarity, as odd as that might sound coming from a mage who had known little of horses before joining the wardens. But as Falcon herself was an avid rider he'd found himself spending a great deal of time in the Vigil's stables. He glanced down the narrow walkway but saw nothing beyond a few curious furry heads poking out of their stalls.

"Falcon?" he called.

"Here," was her muffled reply from the other end of the stables. He followed the sound of her voice until he was standing in front of Valkyrie's stall. The mare huffed softly in greeting, shaking her head as Falcon lovingly patted her speckled neck.

"Is something wrong?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"Yes—I mean no—I mean…can I talk to you?" he asked, hating the nervous hitch in his voice.

"Alright, shoot," she replied as she eyed him curiously.

"I was wondering if you've had a chance to consider…well, me. Us, that is."

"Oh," she replied, her eyebrows briefly shooting up in surprise before her lips thinned into a grim line. "Now is not the best time for this Anders."

"Why?" he asked, fear and annoyance suddenly gripping his heart in a vice.

"Beg pardon?"

"Why not now?" he pressed. "We're in a relatively safe place with no urgent matters to attend to and for once, we're alone. I think now is the perfect time to talk about this."

"That's not exactly what I meant."

"Then pray tell, my Lady, what is it that you meant?" he asked, failing to keep the sarcasm from his voice.

"There are still darkspawn to contend with, Anders. Until we are able to drive them back my duty demands my full attention. I could hardly consider personal matters when so much is at stake," she said.

"Yet you didn't seem to have a problem jumping your Alistair at the first opportunity, did you? And that was in the middle of a blight," he retorted.

"That was different," she snapped.

"Why? Because you were so desperately in love with him?" he sneered, letting the unspoken jibe sink in to the lingering silence that followed.

Falcon's face went completely white at his words.

"That isn't fair," she said barely above a whisper. "I was a different person then, and under vastly different circumstances. My responsibilities now are such that they supersede any importance I might have once placed on my personal feelings."

"And what of my feelings. Do they not count?"

"Of course they do," she said, a look of hurt flashing across her face.

"Look, Falcon. You know as well as I do where this is going. Eventually we're going to have to face both the Architect and this 'Mother'…whatever she is…and there is no guarantee that either of us will come out of this in one piece," he said as he gently cupped one side of her face in his hand. "I'd rather die knowing the truth than to live never knowing if we might have had something together."

"You're not going to die, Anders. Not if I can help it," she replied softly as she covered his hand with her own. "But I cannot ignore my responsibilities. Not for you, not for anyone. If you cannot understand that then you've yet to learn what it truly means to be a Grey Warden."

"That's nothing but a bull shit excuse and you know it!" he growled as he pulled his hand from out of her grasp and began to pace. "You hide behind your bloody responsibilities and I can't for the life of me figure out why! Why? There is no reason for it!"

"I can't do this," she whispered hoarsely as she exited the stall and tried to pass him, but Anders grabbed her arm before she could escape.

"Just how long do you intend to draw this out, my dear? I'd like to think that I've been a patient man, but there is only so much I can take."

"Please try to understand—"

"I'm trying to but you're making it a great deal more complicated than it needs to be," he snapped as he backed her up against the stall door. Falcon fidgeted nervously under his scrutiny, a look similar to that of a trapped animal flashing across her face.

"It is a simple yes or no. Do you want to be with me or not?" he demanded.

When she remained silent he let her go and took a step back. He counted to ten as he desperately tried to hold on to the last threads of his temper.

"Fine, that's just bloody perfect," he mumbled before turning to leave, but he turned back at the last second and pinned her with a look that would have made even the First-Enchanter flinch. "Are you really that desperate to punish yourself for Alistair's death? Or are you so afraid of what might happen that you cannot bring yourself to take the risk? Well I'll have you know, Commander, that life is all about taking chances, and if you can't come to terms with that then you're not half the woman I thought you were."

He knew he'd made a vast mistake the moment the words were out, but there was no taking them back now that they were said. Her eyes closed and her jaw worked as she obviously tried to find a response to his spiteful words. For a moment he thought she would simply walk away, but then she was there, standing beside him.

"I thought of all people, you would understand," she rasped, breaking his heart in two with her simple, pain-filled words. And then she was gone.

Anders slumped against the wall and sank slowly to the ground. What the hell just happened? The voice in his head screamed. I blew it, that's what happened, he told the voice morosely. He didn't have to go back over the conversation to know where it had all gone wrong. He'd let his insecurities about being rejected completely take over his common sense. Thus, he completely overreacted when she was simply trying to tell him that she wasn't ready. I thought of all people you would understand, she had said. What had she meant by that? Of course! When he'd gone after her in the fade...he'd shared her emotions in a way that no one else ever had. He'd felt her heartbreak as if it were his own, and then like an idiot threw it back in her face. Anders groaned, only now realizing the enormity of his mistake. Unless he was mistaken, he pretty much just ruined any chance that he might have had with her.

"What have I done?" he whispered to himself before burying his face in his hands.

*Muse Tunes: "Camelot Lives" by Jerry Goldsmith (First Knight OST); "Trying to Relate" by George Fenton (Ever After OST); "Corynorhinus" by Hans Zimmer & James Newton Howard (Batman Begins OST); and "Are Those Bullet Holes?" by Ramin Djawadi (Iron Man OST).