The first thing Quinn did when she got home from the hospital was hug her mother. Judy had been getting ready for church when Quinn had come through the door and nearly tackled her with an intense hug. It had surprised both of them. Such shows of emotion had been frowned upon in the Russell Fabray run household, but after… everything, Quinn just couldn't contain herself. She really needed her mom.
Judy started asking her questions about what had happened. Was Quinn okay? Was Rachel? Sometime during her explaining everything, Quinn had broken down again, needing the comfort of her mom. The same she had needed when she was pregnant but, because of her father, wasn't allowed. Judy was patient with her daughter, holding her, not caring that they'd be late for church. After a while, Quinn had blushed and apologized, wiping her eyes. Judy told her never to apologize for that, tapped her on the nose with a smile, then told her to go take a shower and get ready for church if she felt like going.
She did. Quinn loved going to church. It wasn't the same one she had gone to most of her life. No, those people had been too judgmental of her teen pregnancy, of her father's affair, and her parent's subsequent divorce. After Quinn had moved back in with her mother, they had found a nice little nondenominational Christian church where the people hugged her at the door and their smiles were genuine.
Quinn and Judy had sat with Sam, his brother and sister, and his parents. Sam gave her a questioning look, but Quinn just shook her head. During the middle of a service wasn't the time to talk. Not about something like what she had gone through.
During church, Quinn had mostly prayed for Rachel. For her to get better both mentally and physically. For her to not be picked on at school about this. For her to have better friends and people to support and love her. Quinn also prayed for herself, though. She prayed for forgiveness for everything she had done to Rachel. It was the first time she could ever remember doing it.
Quinn had thought if she just stopped being cruel to Rachel then it would be okay. After last night, though, she knew that wasn't the case. Sitting in church with her head bowed and eyes closed, she'd thought if she asked for forgiveness from God, then it would be okay. It wasn't. Rather than feel free from her sins against Rachel, she felt overcome by them. Suffocated. She saw every hurtful word or action against her in a new light and it squeezed at her lungs, her heart. What if it had been her? What if she'd been the victim? How would she feel? What would she do to get away from it? God, it was no wonder Rachel had wanted out so bad.
If Quinn was right, then at least some part of what Rachel had done to herself had been Quinn's fault. If Quinn hadn't torn Rachel down for a year and a half before the school turned on her, too. If Quinn had accepted the offers of friendship that Rachel had given her repeatedly since joining Glee Club. If she had just even made an effort to go to Rachel's birthday party instead of another of Puck's stupid drunken parties. She wished so much to be able to change it. To be able to help Rachel.
Quinn opened her eyes and looked around at the still bowed heads while the preacher continued leading them in prayer. Her heart raced. Was this what a panic attack felt like? An epiphany? A religious experience? She had to help Rachel get better. She had to. It was Quinn's responsibility. Rachel was Quinn's responsibility. Helping Rachel was her penance for the wrongs she'd done to her. But, God, how could she even be there for Rachel? Would Rachel even let her? Why should she?
Though she still had too many unanswered questions, accepting the fact that she had to help Rachel calmed Quinn down considerably. She was able to close her eyes, and continue her prayer renewed. Again Quinn prayed for herself, but it was different this time. She asked for the opportunity and the strength to be there for Rachel. For the strength to stand up for her at school. For the chance to be one of the people that will love and support her. She would help Rachel. She had to.
After church, Quinn said her goodbyes to Sam and his family, promising to call him later. Afterwards, she and her mother went out to eat, Judy noting that Quinn couldn't have eaten much at the hospital besides vending machine or hospital cafeteria food. "And coffee," Quinn added, noting how suddenly tired she was. "Large amounts of coffee." She was barely able to stay awake through lunch, and as soon as they got home, Quinn was napping on the couch.
After what could have only been five minutes later but was really five hours, Judy was tapping Quinn's foot, telling her to go to bed if she was going to sleep all day anyway. Thankful that she still had plenty of Christmas break left, Quinn started up the steps towards her room. Once there, she set her alarm for 6am, cursing Sue Sylvester and her stupid Christmas break Cheerios practices. She checked her phone as she got ready for bed, noting she had 38 new texts, but that was too big a number to even deal with right now so she looked at missed calls instead. Sam had called a few times, but there were thankfully no missed calls from Hiram or Leroy.
Quinn felt bad for not talking to Sam all day, and for standing him up last night, but she couldn't seem to care a whole lot. He was just a boy, even if she was dating him, but boys were like a status symbol. Like a diamond bracelet or a new car. They had fun, but it wasn't anything special. He was just the most appealing football player, and that's the kind of guy the head cheerleader was supposed to date. It's the same reason Santana dates Puck, she reasoned. And besides, she had been saving someone's life. He couldn't be mad at that, right?
"Q!" Santana called her name through the locker room, finally spotting the sleepy shivering blonde changing into her Cheerios uniform and coming over. "Q, did you hear about Berry?"
Oh, God, Quinn thought, stomach in freefall. Oh, God, people have found out. They're going to crucify her. God, I know said I'd stand up for her and all, but… I mean, it's only been like a day and a half. Come on…
"Yeah, San," Quinn said quietly, shutting her locker. "I know about it. How did you find out?"
"My dad's a doctor at the hospital," Santana said. "I heard it from him first, but I've heard it from like everyone else since then. People won't shut up about Suicidal Suzy. And did you drop off the fucking face of the map yesterday or what? Everyone in Glee tried texting you, and Malibu Ken even said he tried calling. I was beginning to think maybe she took you out before trying to knife herself."
"Shut it, San," Quinn nearly growled out. "Don't talk about Rachel that way."
"Oh, Rachel, now, is it?" Santana asked, arching an eyebrow. "And when did you get on a first name basis with Mini-Mouth?"
"Since Saturday night," Quinn said quietly, causing Santana to gape at her.
"Saturday night? But that's when…" Santana took a step forward and whispered. "Quinn, I know we've done some fucked up shit to her because she's fucking annoying as hell, but you didn't… you didn't have anything to do with, like, making her do it? Did you?"
"No!" Quinn said the word too loud, causing some of her other Cheerios to look over. More quietly, she relayed the events of Saturday night to her, watching the Latina's face pale in the fluorescent lights of the locker room. At least this time, she was able to do it without crying, though the memory of Rachel, so helpless, laying there dying…
"Mija, wipe your eyes," Santana whispered softly to her in the voice she usually reserved for Brittany. Quinn reached up and wiped away a tear she hadn't even realized was there, silently cursing again. God, she was so fucking weak! How could she ever try to be strong for Rachel if she couldn't even talk about this shit without tearing up?
"So, yeah, that was my weekend," Quinn said, wanting to make it into a joke but unable to.
"Damn, Q," Santana said. "I don't even… it's just so… wow."
"I know, right. That's why…" Quinn paused, hesitating in telling her best friend her thoughts. Maybe it was stupid, but she felt responsible. She felt she needed to be the one to help Rachel get better. She thought back on the moment in church, and that conviction hit her again. "That's why I'm going to help her get better. I mean, we're at least a little responsible for everything we've done to her. The names, the slushees, the… God, the photo…"
"Wait, wait, wait," Santana said quickly. "First off, I'm glad Berry's alive and all, but I'm not taking any blame for her trying to off herself. That's her own deal. The only person that lets you kill you is you. I personally think it's pretty weak and pathetic, but whatever." Quinn glared at the girl, but she kept talking. "Second, okay, yeah, we've done a lot of shit, I'll admit. Slushees, names, pushing her, mocking her, all that… basically being real bitches. But I'm taking no part in the picture in the locker thing."
"San, you drove us there in your brother's stolen truck!"
"Well, yeah," Santana said like that was nothing. "But I didn't take it or put it in her locker or anything. Hell, you wouldn't even show it to me."
"I didn't show it to anybody," Quinn said, blushing. "It was too… personal. Inappropriate."
"Whatever. I'm just saying, you make Berry your pet project if you want to, but don't try to guilt me into playing along." Santana crossed her arms and stared at the blonde head Cheerio, daring her to try.
"I wouldn't," Quinn said, staring at her. "I just want to know if you've got my back."
Santana stared back for a long tense minute, then sighed. "Yes, oh Captain, my Captain."
"You're such a nerd," Quinn said, smiling and pushing her shoulder. Santana smiled for a second, pushing Quinn back playfully, then straightened up, looking around to make sure no one had seen. She really was nice underneath all that bitch.
They got their bags put away into their lockers and made their way toward the gym, following a few Cheerios who were laughing and talking about something. Brittany met them as they went, bumping playfully into Santana, and pouting when the Latina didn't respond. She was apparently never going to let go of the fact that Brittany was dating Artie.
As they got into the gym, a couple of words of the Cheerios' conversation trailed back, and Quinn heard one of them say, "…yeah, tried to kill herself." Quinn and Santana exchanged wide-eyed looks then glanced at Brittany who seemed oblivious to either the conversation or the situation.
Santana reached out and grabbed hold of Quinn's wrist, giving her an almost imperceptible shake of her head. She was probably right. It wasn't really worth it to get pissed off already, and Quinn could just as easily punish them during practice. Something pulled her forward, though, as she shook off Santana's hand. A need to hear what they were saying, if nothing else, because they surely weren't the only ones talking about Rachel. Better to hear it sooner than later.
"…couldn't believe that someone at this school would actually try it," Quinn heard one of the seniors, Christy Gunderson. "It's a shame, really." Well, okay, that wasn't so bad, Quinn thought, breathing a little easier. At least they're not—
"Yeah," Missy, Christy's sister, said. "A shame she didn't get it right. It'd be nice to have this place Berry-free." Christy looked appalled, but the other Cheerio, Meghan, laughed along with Missy's ignorant bray of a laugh.
"I'm sorry," Quinn said, causing the three to turn around and exchanged worried looks. Quinn was in full on head bitch mode, and glaring them down. "Please tell me you're not actually heartless enough to make fun of someone who tried to commit suicide. Especially in listening distance of her friend and your Captain."
"We-we… uh… we didn't realize you were back there, Quinn," Christy said apologetically. "Miss didn't mean anything by it." Elbowing her sister in the ribs, she nodded from Missy to Quinn. "Tell her, Missy."
"Friends?" Missy asked skeptically. "Since when are you and Berry friends? God, have you even met her. I have English with her. She's an insufferable, bossy, self-centered diva who acts like she's entitled to have everyone worship her but dresses like she picks from the Good Will's dumpster. I mean, I knew she was crazy, I just didn't realize she was, like, actually a psycho." Missy let out another obnoxious laugh.
Quinn was so angry she could barely think, but it was Santana who responded. "Hold up there, Mr. Ed," Santana said, bringing the laughter to a halt. "I know you and your horse-laughing, buck-toothed, bottom-of-the-pyramid busted ass are not making fun of somebody else. You're barely even a Cheerio. We only, only let you on the squad because your sister's pretty awesome." Missy looked over at Christy who just shrugged. "If it weren't for her, you'd be hit by more Slushees than a 7-11 trashcan. Now show some respect for your betters and shut the hell up."
Everyone looked from Santana, who was smiling and starting to walk away to Missy, who was standing there steaming. "I didn't mean to make fun of her," Missy said snidely at Santana's back, causing the Latina to turn around. "I just meant that I hope she gets a chance to finish the job before she comes back to school. That's really all I want for Christmas, and it'll—"
Santana's eyes had gone wide because, behind Missy, she saw Quinn rushing her. The Cheerios captain rammed her hard in the back with her shoulder, sending her to the floor on her hands and knees. Before Missy could get up, Quinn was on top of her, punching her repeatedly. Christy jumped in and tried pulling her off but got pushed away by Quinn. Meghan then jumped in and hit Quinn. Santana pulled Meghan away, holding her back as Quinn and Missy fought. Brittany just stared, clearly uncomfortable. Somewhere behind them, Becky Jackson was yelling "Coach, coach, coach!"
Missy and Quinn got in a few more punches, hair pulls, and scratches before Sue Sylvester showed up, physically pulling them apart while blowing a whistle in their faces. When it looked like they were going to keep going at it, Santana jumped in and held Quinn back while Christy held Missy.
"What the hell is going on here?" Sue yelled, first staring at Quinn then Missy.
"That psycho bitch just attacked me!" Missy screamed, pointing at Quinn. She held a hand up to her bloody nose and glared at her Captain.
"Quinn?" Sue asked, fuming that her Cheerios would ever be caught fighting.
"I…" Damn it, how do I even explain this? "I didn't like what she was saying," Quinn finished lamely.
"You didn't like…?" Sue started quietly, unbelieving. She got louder. "You didn't like what she was saying?! You're supposed to be a leader here, Quinn! You can't attack your Cheerios for talking! I know! I've tried!"
"Yeah, but she was talking about…" Quinn trailed off. She didn't know whether to finish that or not. She'd been okay with standing up for Rachel yesterday in church when it was a vague idea, but here and now in the real world? Sue hated Glee Club, and Rachel Berry was Glee Club.
"Rachel," Brittany finished quietly for her, sounding heartbreakingly sad. "She said she hoped Rachel would 'finish the job' before school started back."
"Oh." All the anger drained from Sue's face, and she gazed off into the distance for a moment, thinking. They all looked to Sue to see what she would do or say. Clearly she knew, but Quinn wasn't sure how, though she knew Sue did claim to have 'eyes everywhere'. "Well that changes things."
"Coach?" Missy asked nervously.
Sue seemed to come back into herself as she appraised Missy. "You seem to think suicides are funny. I want you to run them."
Missy gulped. "For how long?"
"Until I get bored," Sue said, looking back across the gym at the other Cheerios watching the interaction. Taking her megaphone from a waiting Becky, Sue put it to her lips and addressed the rest of the Cheerios. "Until further notice, Rachel Berry is off the list. If I hear of one Slushee, one prank, one anything, you will be immediately cut. I have a list of girls backlogged and willing to replace every single one of you. Spread this to all of your bungling boyfriends and their football playing friends. Know that anyone messing with Berry will face the wrath of one Sue Sylvester."
Everyone stared at Sue, wondering what had just happened. She had placed a shield around Rachel Berry, the biggest pariah in William McKinley history, for the foreseeable future. Just because she'd tried to kill herself? Quinn couldn't believe it. No one could. Sue Sylvester didn't do nice things like everyone else. She was cruel and horrible… but a winner. That's why she kept her job around children when she clearly hated them. This would be almost as big a story as Rachel herself.
After the six hours of grueling practice were finally over, Quinn stayed behind for a minute, finding herself walking up to Sue. "I just wanted to say thanks, Coach," Quinn said. "For what you did for Rachel. That was… decent."
Sue stared down at her, not speaking. Damn Sue and her height, Quinn thought, trying her best to not let her emotions betray her face. Every time Sue looked down at her, it always felt like she was being judged. It felt like Sue knew everything that she was thinking, and it scared her. Quinn was tight with her emotions. She hated the fact that Sue could ruffle her like that with just a stare.
"Is it true you were there when she did it?" Sue asked finally.
Quinn was shocked. How could she possibly know that? "Yes." A pause, then, "How did you know?"
"Eyes. Everywhere. Q." Sue looked off across the now empty gymnasium, seemingly lost in thought. It wasn't often Sue was reflective like this. "We lost Porcelain to bullying already. I won't lose another student, even if it is Barbara. I especially won't have it be because of one of my Cheerios." She turned back to Quinn still standing there and looked at her black eye and split lip, adding, "But you know you can't fight all her battles for her, right?"
"I know."
When Quinn got back to the locker room to change, everyone was gone but Santana consoling a crying Brittany. Quinn rushed over, thinking that Missy must have said something else while Quinn was talking to Sue. "What happened?"
"I-I didn't believe it," Brittany said while Santana wiped the tears from the taller blonde's eyes, their disagreements over Artie clearly forgotten in this time of need. "I heard the other girls talking about Ra-Rachel, but I didn't believe them." She looked up at Quinn. "Not until you went af-after Missy. Rachel really… Rachel really tried to—"
"Shh…" Santana cooed, running fingers through her hair now loose of its ponytail.
"I should have gone," Brittany said tears running down her cheeks. She was pleading with Quinn for understanding. "I said I would- I would go to Ra-Rachel's sleepover, but Artie and San, they said… they said it would be boring, and that I should go to Puck's. They said that she'd have all the other Glee girls there, and I wouldn't be missed. But if… if I had gone…"
"No, Britts," Quinn said, sitting next to Brittany and taking her hand. "This had nothing to do with you, so you can't blame yourself. Rachel is… Rachel's sick, sweetie. And we're going to be there for her, okay? But it's not anybody's fault." Quinn was already questioning the words she was telling Brittany, though, hoping they weren't a lie.
"Do you think it would be okay to go visit her?" Brittany asked, reaching a hand up to wipe her eyes on the sleeve of her Cheerios uniform. "I could take her Mr. Quackers. He always makes me feel better when I'm sick."
"It's not really that kind of sick, Britt-Britt," Santana said, continuing to try and soothe her.
"San's right, Britts," Quinn said, patting her hand. "But I was going to call her dads after practice, so I'll make sure to ask when she might feel up to having some visitors."
"Okay," Brittany said, sniffling. All of a sudden she reached out and grabbed the two girls surrounding her, pulling them in for a tight hug. "I love you guys," she said, sniffing again. "You're my best friends. So don't… don't you two ever try to leave like Rachel."
Quinn checked the time as she got back into the VW Beetle that her dad's money had bought for her. She hated him so much for abandoning her, but she loved this car. She wanted to not hate him. She wanted to nothing him, to forget about his very existence. At times, she felt successful, but since spending the night at the hospital with Hiram and Leroy, she'd been thinking about fathers more. If Rachel, as much as her fathers loved her, still tried to find a way out, why hadn't Quinn? Why hadn't she looked for a way out last year when her life had been so incredibly hard, being bounced around from one house to another, never having a place to call home? It was probably because of the baby. She wasn't just responsible for her own life anymore. She was responsible for someone else's and that kept her grounded. That suddenly gave Quinn a probably stupid idea for helping Rachel, and she smiled a little.
The time was 2:28, by the way. Quinn stomach growled, realizing she hadn't had lunch yet. She hadn't been able to go back to Sue Sylvester's Master Cleanse diet after having the baby. Instead, she had just done her best to eat healthy, exercise as much as possible, and listen to and trust her body. And her body was telling her it was time for lunch.
Quinn left out of the school parking lot and was headed towards Kewpee's when her cell phone rang. She looked down at the display, but it simply said unknown caller. "Hello?" Quinn answered the phone, suddenly nervous. She'd given Hiram and Leroy her number and said call if they needed anything… or if anything went wrong. God, please don't let something be wrong.
"Hi, Quinn. It's Leroy Berry," he said. "I don't know if you're busy or not, but… uhh…" Quinn heard the worry through the connection.
"Mr. Ber—Leroy," Quinn corrected herself. "Is something wrong? Is Rachel okay?"
"Yeah, she's okay," he said. "Or, as okay as she can be. I think she's just going stir crazy. I was wondering if you would… if you wanted to come visit." There was a pause, and his voice was sad. "She hasn't had any visitors."
"I'm on my way."