Alone at last.
Brendan walks towards the bed, feeling like his legs have turned to the equivalent of jelly. He doesn't do nervous, never has, but he feels it now, strong and undeniably present. He hears the click of the screen window being closed, knows that Darren's done what he's asked him, and Steven's relaxed because of it, looks at him with unconcealed desire, motions with his hands for Brendan to join him on the bed.
He rolls down next to Steven, doesn't want to waste any more time, has been thinking about claiming those lips ever since he first saw them, so soft and open, had parted effortlessly under his the first time.
There's the assurance now that Steven's not going to push him away this time, that he can finally kiss him properly, and he leans forward in an instant, both of them propped up on their sides on the bed, tongues rubbing together, small moan escaping from Steven's mouth, because this is it.
Brendan doesn't even try to be gentle, the word isn't part of his vocabulary, and he reckons this boy can take it, the way he's pulling Brendan's face towards him, anchoring him with his hands. Brendan moves on top of him, likes the control it gives him, likes the feeling of Steven's warm body pressing against his, their chests in contact, their groins close but still not close enough.
Vincent and Macca had both laughed at the feel of his moustache the first time that Brendan had done this with them, had broken away giggling, "feels funny, strange", but Steven's not doing that now, is ferocious and unrelenting, open mouthed, and Brendan can feel Steven's hands on his back, all but clawing at him, rough and just the way he likes it, pain giving way to pleasure.
The outside world is releasing him from its grip, he can't concentrate on anything other than Steven on the bed, his hands and mouth and the knowledge that he's going to devour every part of him, and it's the relief that he's been craving, the escape that he can only get through physical intimacy with another person. He wonders if that's normal, if it could possibly make sense, that through the act of sex he forgets about the rape, but it displaces it somehow, he's in charge here and he sets the limits and rules, he's not that helpless child anymore. He's free from the shackles and the shame.
Steven's speaking between kisses now, whispers while Brendan's making his mark on every inch of his skin, his lips and his cheeks and his jaw, working his way down.
"Do you remember when...when you said that I could ride your face...and rimming...do you remember when you said..."
"I'll show you it all." Can't fucking wait to show him, how can it be possible that the boy's been here for ten days and he's been waiting his whole life for this?
"Oh God," Steven groans it, low and deep, and Brendan can tell he's going to be as noisy at sex as he is with everything, suits him just fine, plans on making him scream so loud that the guards think he's committed another felony, wants to rock the bed off its foundations.
Brendan reaches for Steven's flies, sees the boy's eyes follow his movements, his upper lip red from their contact already, spit slicked lips shiny and mesmersing.
He's hard already, cock lying on his stomach, and Brendan reaches through his boxers and strokes him, fingers brushing over the sensitive head, easing over it slowly, making Steven tip his head back, arch his stomach off the bed. Brendan could bet that he's never been touched like this before, and it numbs the voices in his head that have existed since Steven told him that he's been with other men, thinks that whatever they did with the boy, it didn't feel this good. He's going to make Steven see that a quick fuck is nothing compared to this, foreplay deliciously drawn out, that by the time he fucks him he'll be gasping for it, body so ready that it's shaking.
He continues the steady up and down with his hand, enjoying the way the boy's forehead is beginning to shine with sweat, can barely look at Brendan, has to close his eyes to not come too soon.
Brendan removes his hand, makes a satisfied smile when the begging already starts, Steven pleading "Don't Stop." He kisses him, reassuring, and spits into his hand, places it back on Steven's cock, the moisture all but making the boy purr.
He's good at this, he knows he is, makes reducing men to a quiver his art, he's the fucking Picasso of sex.
"How many people have sucked you off before, Steven?" He waits with bated breath for the answer, doesn't particularly want to hear it, but it will be important afterwards, he'll make sure he makes Steven come harder than he ever has in his life.
"Three I think...four...I don't know."
"Hmmm. Well lets see if they've ever done it like this, shall we?"
He takes off Steven's trousers and boxers, tosses them into the corner of the cell, would quite happily never see them again in here, plans to make Steven in a state of undress the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees at night.
He encourages Steven to raise his legs and place them around his neck, the soles of his feet rubbing against Brendan's back while he surveys what's in front of him. The boy looks embarrassed, has blushed pink from Brendan's ministrations and from insecurity, is spreading his legs but looks like he's trying to resist the urge to cover his cock with his hands.
Brendan tuts, no one should ever feel like that, least of all this boy, wants to worship his body and lick every inch of it to let him know that he's fucking gorgeous, most desirable thing he's ever seen.
He moves as closely to Steven's groin as he possibly can, licks around the scattering of dark pubic hairs and takes the head of his dick in his mouth, tongue fluttering over it.
"You've got a beautiful cock."
"Er...thanks."
Brendan laughs. "You don't say thanks to that. You ask me what I'm going to do with it."
"What are you going to do with it?" Still embarrassed, still hasn't realised how Brendan is going to reduce that shyness to ashes, is going to make it so Steven knows how perfect he is.
"What do you want me to do with it?"
"You know..." The boy says meekly.
"No. Enlighten me." He needs him to say it.
He nuzzles Steven's thigh, waits for the answer to come, knows it's buried there somewhere, that all this is waiting to be released from him. Steven's not shy, he just needs someone to introduce him to who he was born to be.
"I want you to...suck it." Bingo.
"Like this?" Brendan asks innocently, acts like he's a pupil who Steven's schooling, takes his cock into his mouth half way, gazes up at the boy and watches him staring, transfixed, like he can't believe what he's seeing. He takes it out again, Steven's lips are parted, and he has to kiss them, would be a crime if he didn't, wants him to taste himself on Brendan's mouth.
"Or like this?" He shuffles down again, takes Steven's cock back into his mouth, down to the root this time.
"Fucking hell," the boy whispers, and Brendan smiles, knows he's got him, draws back again coiling his tongue, and then takes him all the way down again in one fluid motion.
"How do you do that without gagging?" He sounds overwhelmed.
"Practice. You'll get the hang of it." Brendan kisses the tip, can't seem to stop touching Steven now that they've started this.
"Right, well...I didn't mean to..." The boy's stuttering over his words, and Brendan wants to put him out of his misery.
"What?"
"I shouldn't of asked. I didn't want you to...you know, stop." His cheeks colour.
Brendan grins, fucking delighted at what he's hearing. "Steven, are you telling me to shut the fuck up and get back to sucking you off again?"
"What - no, no of course not -" He stops, laughs. "Yes, actually."
"Say it then." He feels triumphant, giddy with it. Just like that, Steven's looking at him like he's been given permission to be who he wants to be.
"Brendan, shut the fuck up and suck me off again, won't you? I haven't got all day. I've got an important job interview soon you know, got to take the kids to school, got to go to the shops, got to go to the bank -"
Brendan silences him by guiding his cock into his mouth, feels Steven's hand raking through his hair, alternating between stroking it and pulling it roughly to move him closer to his groin.
He sucks Steven like he's the best thing he's ever tasted, might well be, musky, his cock filling his mouth like it's all that he can feel.
His jaw aches but he doesn't relent in his actions, focuses on the noises that Steven's making instead, encouraging and affirming, the biggest turn on he's ever heard, makes him wonder what the boy will be like when he's fucking him, feels his own dick straining against his trousers uncomfortably.
"Brendan, I'm going to -"
"Do it."
It sends the boy over the edge and he shoots down Brendan's throat, hot and sweet. Brendan swallows and licks his lips clean, crawls up immediately and kisses Steven, growls into his mouth and rubs his fingers over his nipples. He marvels at how responsive he is, still hungry for more, grabbing Brendan's arse through the material of his jeans.
"That was...bloody hell."
"Jesus Steven, what have these other lads been doing to you?" Really he wants to do a victory dance of the macarena variety around the cell, drawing on the walls Brendan: 1 Past fucks: O.
"They didn't do it like that." He sounds out of breath, like he's been running a marathon.
Brendan makes a trail across Steven's mouth with his finger, thinks they're blow job lips if ever he's seen them.
"Are you sure no one's going to come in?"
"Relax," He croons. "Darren practically works for me. He's given us two hours."
Steven raises his eyebrows, smiling. "Two hours, eh? That's a long time. What do you plan on doing to me?"
Brendan leans close to his ear, chews on his lobe and then whispers it, making Steven shiver. "Everything."
Steven runs a hand over Brendan's cheek, then down to his moustache, fingers brushing the hairs there.
"I like this."
"Have a thing for facial hair, do you?"
"Maybe your facial hair. I never really thought about it before."
"Now you're stuck with it, aren't you?" Brendan says, amused.
"Stuck with you."
"Is that such a bad thing?" His voice is light, but he needs to know.
Steven leans forward and kisses him, just because he's his now, just because he can.
"I've never been so pleased to be trapped."
He should probably laugh at the boy's sentimentality, but kissing him feels better, and Steven responds to it like it's the first time, gets a mouthful of his moustache like he's proving his point.
"Bren."
He likes that nickname, could happily get used to it.
"Yeah?"
"Come up here." He holds Brendan around the thighs and tries to pull him up, and Brendan understands instantly, shifts so that he's straddling him, and Steven's hands go to his jeans, undoing the buckle.
"Want some help?" Brendan asks, impatient as hell, can't wait to get Steven's mouth around him. He shucks himself out of his jeans and pants, clothes landing in a heap next to Steven's, taking off his shirt at the same time, Steven's hands running over his chest, feeling his muscles and the hair that lies there.
Steven's hands are tentative at first, as if working out whether he's allowed to do this, still can't believe that this is all his to touch and kiss and explore, feels like a dream and they've floated away from the world. Prison doesn't exist and neither does anyone else.
"You can touch me," Brendan encourages, and Steven does it then, properly touches, puts his hands on him like he feels deserving, like he's giving himself permission to have this.
Steven grabs a hold of Brendan's arse, motions for him to move even closer towards him, and Brendan positions himself so that his cock is rubbing against Steven's lips, laying both his hands flat on the wall behind the bed, steadying himself.
"You're so big," Steven says, breathes it like it's little more than hot air, sounds amazed and overwhelmed.
"Just take it slowly."
He feels Steven's tongue on him then, and his hands on the base of his cock. His gives little lapping licks while jerking him off, and Brendan concentrates on a spot on the wall, knows that if he focuses on Steven then he won't be able to resist thrusting into his mouth, making the boy gag and possibly scaring him off for life.
"It's not going to hurt, is it? This inside me?" He's already worrying about the main event, spark of fear in his voice, hasn't yet learnt how good this can be.
Brendan takes a hand off the wall and uses it to stroke Steven's hair, feels the soft strands running through his fingertips, tries to calm him.
"Just start with this, yeah? Don't worry, I'll look after you."
He looks reassured, if only momentarily, and Brendan sees him open his lips wider, swears at the sight of it, hottest thing he's ever seen, Steven's mouth working the head of his cock, slowly taking in more.
It's been a while since Brendan's done this. A few guys here and there since Vincent, but they've been rushed encounters. The new block he'd been moved to hadn't been as easy to manipulate, less officers like Darren who he could bend to his will. He feels it now, the effects of going so long without this, and his legs are already beginning to shake.
Steven is a fast learner, seemed to be taking notes when Brendan was doing this to him, and he's taking almost all of him into his mouth now, stroking what he can't yet manage. Brendan feels sweaty, skin itching, half wants to smash his head against the wall just to get some relief from this pressure, feels like his orgasm is building up inside him so much that it's almost painful.
He's not going to come before he's fucked the boy though, has enough years and experience to hold out, but can't resist moving lightly back and forth on Steven's mouth, little thrusts first so he doesn't choke. Steven accommodates him, opens up wider and takes it, makes slurping noises that shoot straight to Brendan's dick and makes him grow even harder.
Steven takes his mouth off, still strokes up and down Brendan's shaft, gathers his saliva and spits down on his cock, uses it as his own form of lubrication. Jesus.
"You going to show me what riding is, then?" His eyes are sparkling, a fucking challenge if Brendan's ever seen one.
"I thought I was."
"You're holding out on me." He uses his free hand to stroke down Brendan's thighs, the hairs there standing on end from his touch.
"Are you sure you can take it?" Brendan toys, can't stop himself from grinning like sunshines exploding out of him, thinks he must be going mad but damn, he's going to enjoy the insanity.
"Try me."
It would be impolite to refuse.
He does it then, waits till Steven's lips are secured around his cock again and lets go, holds onto the railing of the bed this time and rocks back and forth, fucks himself on the boy's mouth and watches as he takes it all in, has never known lips to be so wet and rough and soft all at once, and Steven's making these mmmmhmmm sounds, enjoying every second and it's killing him, never seen anyone so eager for his dick, wonders when the officers are going to start breaking down the doors from the noises that are coming out of his own mouth.
He could do this until he comes, but it's a battle between wanting Steven's lips around him and what he wants to do to the boy, so much left to explore and discover, hasn't even begun to enjoy that arse of his, the smooth and perfect globes, the heat that he's going to be delving into.
Brendan gives one last thrust and then places his hands around the boy's face, massages his cheeks and releases his mouth from around his cock. Steven looks dazed, lips still partly open, looks like he could have done that all day, and Brendan's laughing inwardly, can't believe that he thought Steven was straight, had imagined him taking a girl down to the park and getting her drunk on cider, fucking her on a bench, and now he's in his cell and he's about to eat the boy's arse out.
"Was that okay?" Steven asks, says it in a way where he knows it was okay, the cheeky git, had Brendan shouting Oh God and fucking hell like he was a pubescent teen who'd never had a blow job before.
He answers with a kiss, tastes himself on Steven's tongue, seems to last forever, wasn't joking when he planned to devour the boy and leave nothing behind.
"I promised you something." He grazes his teeth against Steven's neck and he squirms in Brendan's arms. It's not his fault if the boy looks good enough to eat.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. And I like to keep my promises."
He can see Steven trying to work out exactly what he promised, his mind swims with it, seems to land on it, mixture of trepidation and excitement, expression coy, biting on his lip in the way that makes Brendan crazy, wants to replace Steven's teeth with his own.
"Turn over."
"You'll have to ask nicely."
So the boy is ordering him about now. Interesting.
Brendan dips his head, takes Steven's nipple between his lips and bites down on it.
"Brendan!" He wriggles out of Brendan's hold, doesn't seem to know whether to laugh or scold him.
"That was my version of please, Steven."
"The normal version will do just fine."
He strokes the boy's now red nipple, an apology. "I'm not normal though, am I?"
He says it teasingly but there's something about it, makes Steven lean forward and kiss the tip of Brendan's nose, lies back and looks satisfied like a dozing cat.
"Yes you are." He turns over and at last it's within Brendan's eyesight, all his, eyes can't settle on anything else. At first he smoothes his hands down Steven's back, feels familiar already with its contours after the massage, skin like velvet. It's not what he wants though, not what he's after, thinks he must have a fetish for this part of the anatomy, hands trailing down Steven's arse, so damn pert and soft.
He lies against the boy so that Steven's back is flush with his chest, and whispers into his ear.
"Still want to know what rimming is?"
Steven nods, doesn't look like he trusts himself to speak.
Brendan's greedy for it, used to lie awake at night when he was with Eileen and imagine doing it, loved the way he could make a man scream in pleasure, fucking talented with his tongue. He takes his time, wants to relax Steven and build up his own arousal, if it's possible to be more turned on than he is right now.
He begins by peppering kisses across the boy's arse, the rub of his moustache making Steven sigh appreciatively, looking over his shoulder in fascination like he can barely turn away. He uses his hands, strokes the boy's skin and down his legs, has discovered that despite first appearances Steven's not as twink like as he had assumed, his groin and legs covered by a thick expanse of dark hair.
Brendan has to stop himself from saying something sentimental, "Is there any part of you that isn't so fucking beautiful?" settles instead for showing Steven with his lips and fingers, and when he can't take it anymore he parts the boy's arse cheeks and looks at what he's got.
There's hair there, a small trail that has Brendan wondering what it would be like when wet straight from the shower, his fingers moving back and forth against it. He's definitely going to have to put that to the test.
Steven's watching him intently with dark eyes, seems to be marveling at the fact that Brendan wants to look, that he's staring at the boy's arse like he's going to explore every inch of it. He is.
He feels an intense satisfaction that he's going to be the first person who's ever done this to Steven, that even if he's not the first man who's been inside him then he gets this.
"I want you to remember this always. Me doing this to you."
He's coming apart now, can't stop what's spilling out of his mouth, possessive as hell but that's who he is, can't change his nature, like a wild beast that grows more untamable every day, a gnawing hunger inside of him that only sex can ease.
He looks at Steven one more time before he begins licking around his hole, is sure that he can hear the boy hold his breath above him as he moves his tongue on the outer entrance. He roughly pulls Steven up in the bed so his arse is sticking out more, allowing Brendan better access before he works him properly, his initial gentleness giving way to plunging licks.
Now that Steven's arse is more spread open to him he reaches for his own cock, beginning to stroke himself in time with his actions on Steven's hole. The boy is all but disintegrating, even louder than Brendan had first imagined, is biting into his pillow now but the sounds still come through. He's almost unintelligible, can't form coherent sentences but just a series of words instead, "that's...oh God...my...Bren..." Brendan would laugh if he wasn't feeling exactly the same, doesn't speak because it would come out with no meaning.
He takes his hand off his dick, wants to jerk himself off but that can wait, he gives his full attention to Steven instead, eats him out mercilessly, his tongue twisting and coiling as much as it'll allow.
Even that's not enough after a while, thinks that it's possible to want someone too much, can't stop himself touching Steven's body, his fingers at the boy's entrance. He takes his tongue away, hears a high pitched whine from Steven, pushy bottom if ever he's met one, then eases the first spit slicked finger in, could watch it disappear into his tight hole forever.
Brendan hadn't even asked if Steven's been fingered before, guesses from his reaction that the answer is somewhere between a yes and a no, probably hurriedly in the past to prepare him, but not like this, never like this, with someone taking their sweet time, in and out slowly at first, then so quickly that Brendan's sure the pillow that Steven's chewing on will come apart, feathers flying around the cell, coating them.
Brendan honestly doesn't know what he likes more, giving or receiving, could do this for hours and not tire of it, watching the pleasure that Steven gets from it, but at the same time he's aching, aching for Steven to do this to him, wants to feel those capable hands on him, watch those long, dexterous fingers working their way inside his arse.
He wants to hear the boy shouting, doesn't want him to be muffled by the pillow anymore. Brendan reaches towards Steven's face and pulls the object away from him, discarding it in the corner, and Steven gets Brendan's hand, pulls it towards him and starts sucking on his fingers, no prompting required. Fucking hell. Brendan doesn't try to stop him, thinks that the sound of Steven slurping obscenely equals that of him swearing at what Brendan's doing to him.
Steven bites down on his hand when Brendan inserts another finger alongside the first, but he can take it, likes it so rough that he's had bruises the day after sex, teeth marks scattered around his neck.
Brendan alternates, fucks Steven with his fingers and then takes them out, replacing them with his tongue. He offers his fingers to the boy to lick, causing Steven to blanch and shake his head resolutely.
"That's weird."
First time squeamishness. That'll soon disappear. Brendan will have the boy begging him to let him taste himself. He makes sure that Steven's looking him in the eyes when he licks his own fingers instead, watching as he regards Brendan with a mixture of bafflement and something like awe.
"I want to fuck you."
Steven swallows at Brendan's words, Adam's apple jutting out, and Brendan leans forward to lick against it, becomes familiar with the hardness, the masculinity.
"Do you have a...you know." Condoms aren't easy to get hold of in this place, but luckily for Brendan he knows the right people. He feels a certain amount of glee when he realises that he's going to be fucking Steven with the condom that Walker's given him.
He stands up and gets one out of the drawer, rips it from its foil packet and then puts it on his cock. He fancies a change of scenery so to speak, doesn't feel like fucking Steven on the bed, the mattress so thin that it feels like he's bouncing directly against the springs.
"Come here." Brendan sticks out a single finger, curling it, gesturing for Steven to join him by the wall opposite his bed.
The boy stands, looks a picture with his cock all but pointing to the sky, skinny little legs moving across the floor. This shouldn't be difficult, he looks like he could weigh even less than Eileen when she was pregnant. It's not that Brendan's not a fan of the classic positions - the idea of doing missionary with this man makes his skin feel like it's on fire - but he prefers to be inventive even more, has to be when he's in here on a life sentence, needs to get his kicks somewhere, only thing that changes in this place being how he fucks a guy.
Steven stares at him curiously, his hand brushing against his groin almost unconsciously at first, then deliberately, masturbating openly in front of him, and Brendan tuts, "I thought you were playing the shy card?" nothing remotely shy about Steven's actions right now.
Steven grins, cheeky and he knows it, is putting on a show with his body and Brendan is the spectator, could lean against the wall and just watch while the boy makes himself come, but there's time for that later. This is about fucking him, he's so ready for it that it's affecting his entire body, coursing through him, has to clear his throat it's so damn croaky.
"Closer."
Steven obeys, walks towards Brendan until he has proper access to him, and in one quick movement he pulls the boy up by his thighs, Steven's arms around his neck and his legs joined around his waist. Brendan turns around and backs him towards the wall so that Steven hits it with a soft oomph, and Brendan murmurs "Hold on", thinks he can accommodate Steven's body weight, that this won't take long, not with how they're both feeling.
He kisses Steven, thinks the boy looks apprehensive, has never had someone this big in him before, but Brendan isn't scared, knows how this will go, that they'll be treading this path a million times after this, that soon there won't be a hint of nervousness in Steven's face.
Brendan positions himself at Steven's entrance and gradually pushes in, feels Steven contract around him, eyes widen like saucers, breathing becomes a series of puffs, and Brendan's hands are digging into his thighs, fuck this is good, hasn't had sex in weeks and now he's diving into a tight clean little arse, belongs to a person he actually gives a shit about, and it means more, never thought it would but it does.
Brendan clenches his arse, thrusts into Steven unhurriedly, sets the pace at first, stops for one second just to test the boy's reaction, smiles when Steven rolls his hips and groans, craving more contact and friction. He kisses him while he moves inside him, sloppy and sensual, licks a stripe across Steven's mouth with his tongue.
Steven's neck and chest are flushed, he looks like he's in a drug induced haze, leans his forehead against Brendan's, says "Oh God, oh God" again and again. Brendan's been with guys who have been vocal before, but this is different, Steven can't seem to keep a single thing inside. When he whispers "more" into Brendan's skin he obliges, jack hammers into him, the boy digging his nails into Brendan's shoulders, hurts in just the right way, and everything's heightened, he can feel everything.
He kisses the boy's neck as Steven holds him close, Brendan continuing to move, angles the spot inside Steven that gets him crying out the most and then thrusts into there mercilessly. The wall is damp with the sweat of Steven's back and they're crashing into it repeatedly, banging against it, biting down on each others shoulders for relief.
He's going to come soon, feel of Steven around him too fucking amazing, and he wills the boy to start stroking himself, guides Steven's hand to his cock and he immediately starts pumping it. For one minute before Brendan's orgasm hits nothing outside of these four walls truly exists, he's not a murderer and he's not a victim, he wasn't raped and he wasn't beaten, he's just a man, just another faceless man in a crowd, could be anyone he wants to be.
Steven comes a second before him, explodes over his hand and some of Brendan's stomach while Brendan groans into the boy's shoulder, trying to keep a firm grip around his thighs. He squeezes his eyes shut, wants to make it last and not go back to the reality of where he is and who he is, just prolong the moment for one glorious second longer.
It has to end though, everything has to end, and he gently releases Steven's legs from around him, laying him down onto the floor once more. Steven's panting lightly, goes over to the sink and runs his hands under the faucet, cum washing away with the water. When he turns back to Brendan he's smiling, looks pleased with himself and he should be, Brendan wants to pin a medal to his chest.
Steven's all but prowling over to him now, seems to have forgotten that he's stark naked, or maybe he hasn't and he's using it, knows that Brendan can't keep his eyes off him even now. He cups Brendan's face and anchors him towards him, kisses him softly, once, twice, a third time and then draws back, does one of those loud donkey laughs of his, looks as high as Brendan feels.
"You want to go again?" He's tapping on the bed railing, picking up the pillow and drumming his hands against it, all but skipping around the cell.
"We're not all in our twenties, some of us need time to recharge," Brendan reminds him, but feels fucking elated that Steven wants him as badly as Brendan wants him back.
"Aw, sorry old man." He grins, dodging Brendan when he tries to kick him with his foot, nifty on his feet.
"I'm not old."
"Heading towards your forties now, aren't you?"
Brendan pins him against the wall for that one, easily outmaneuvering Steven. The boy's quick but Brendan's stronger, has had plenty of practice in this place at outsmarting opponents.
"Don't worry," Steven giggles. "I happen to like the older man thing. Sexy." He runs a hand down Brendan's arm, over the large cross tattoo that lies there. "Do you believe in God?"
Brendan raises his eyebrows. "No Steven, I just decided to get a giant cross inked onto my arm for the fun of it."
"Well I don't know, do I? You could have been drunk." He rolls his eyes, doesn't like being teased, but when his lips pout out like that it's so impossible to resist.
"Yes, I believe in God. Cheryl and I were raised as Catholics." He's not even sure if Steven knows the difference, reckons in that pretty little head of his all religions are pretty much lumped together as the same.
"Even after what happened to you?" He asks quietly, and Brendan's smile fades.
"God didn't do that to me, Steven. My father did."
"Yeah, but God didn't stop it either, did he?"
It's not as though he hasn't asked himself these exact questions. When Seamus took him to church he would listen to the sermons, hear about this almighty God who was all loving, all knowing, and Brendan couldn't work out how if that were true, then why wasn't he saving him?
But he grew up, stopped believing in miracles, learned to accept the hand he was dealt.
"What exactly was God meant to do? Strike my dad down with lightning one night while he was lying in bed?"
"I don't know." Steven crosses his arms over his bare chest, shifts from foot to foot. Brendan knows how this goes, that even if the boy's gone through some shit himself he still doesn't know how to handle this, doesn't exactly have a guidebook on how to talk to a man who was raped by his own father.
"Did you feel guilty when you...you know, when you killed him?"
"Steven." It's a warning, a cutting off point.
"We've just slept together," he says, as if that gives him a get out of jail free pass, as if he can have access to Brendan's thoughts, things that he's never told anyone.
That's the easy part though, fucking someone, could do it with his eyes closed, but it's what comes after that hurts, and he's seeing it all again now. The sound of footsteps on the stairs, the opening of his door, Seamus walking over to him in the darkness, the light not being switched on in case it alerted Cheryl's mother or his sister. He can see Seamus unbuckling his trousers, see him climbing on top of him in the bed.
"Brendan, I'm sorry."
Steven's voice enters through the haze, and he's coaxing Brendan until he lies down with him on the bed, pulling the sheet over them, naked skin against his own, Steven's cum still drying on his stomach. He's never been able to turn the memories off like that before, like someone's just flicked a switch and they've been replaced by something wanted, something needed.
He remembers all his protestations, he doesn't do cuddles or spooning, sure as heck doesn't do snuggling, thinks he'd spit out the word if he had to say it, but he gathers Steven in his arms, would be a sin not to, the boy's all his for the taking. He doesn't know how long they've got left before Darren opens the window, it's felt like they've been in here an infinite amount of time.
He has no interest in getting dressed again or of even using his own bed. He wants to make this official, knows that Steven's been living under the protection of his connections with Warren and Ethan so far, but that soon that's not going to be enough, that there are guys in here who would gladly mess with him, screw him up a lot worse than Brendan ever could. He's going to be Steven's protection now, not going to let any of the men lay a finger on him, the only marks that he'll get will be produced here in this cell.
He wants to march up to Walker and tell him to stick his contract up his arse, but he has to be clever about this, doesn't want to piss off a man like him however much he'd loved to. He's not going to shove this thing in his face, knows that's dangerous, but he plans on making the events of today known to him, has to introduce the idea to Walker that he and Steven are sleeping together, otherwise he'll be faced with months of more lewd conversations and snide comments.
No one's going to come between this. When he wants something he'll go to the ends of the earth to keep hold of it, and as Steven lies against his chest he feels the certainty of it. He'll kill anyone who takes this away from him now.