Chapter 39 – A Reason to Live
She was floating in a warm red fog. There was neither pain nor an awareness of the passage of time in her unlikely cocoon, only emotions wrought from fragments of thoughts and voices that passed through the haze of her unwaking mind. Some of these brought her comfort, still others made her chest seize with fear or with anger. One voice made her yearn for something indefinable, something that felt as if it were just out of reach. As a whole none of these seemed to have any rhyme or reason to them, yet they remained her constant companion, for good or ill.
It was strange, this place. She felt safe…protected, yet detached somehow. Incomplete. She existed but did not. Something visceral inside of her whispered that she'd been here before…and then just like that, everything began to change.
She could feel a soft breeze brush against her skin, a sudden relief from the heat of the air. She squinted her eyes tightly against the bright light that danced across her face, flushing the insides of her eyelids in orange and auburn hues. Her nose twitched as the scent of incense, citrus and jasmine filled her nostrils, a curiously exotic combination of smells, but not entirely unpleasant. An odd sound met her ears, soft at first but growing louder the closer to consciousness she crept. Her brow furrowed in confusion. That sound…it was like the swinging of a flail…or the flapping of a bird's wings…no…giant leathery wings…
Dragon! Her mind screamed, startling her awake. She gasped as her eyes snapped open and then breathed a sigh of relief as she took in the canvas roof above her. She was in a tent, and the sound she heard nothing more than the rustling of the door-flap in the wind. Her relief was quickly followed by confusion, however, as she took in her surroundings.
The tent was not her own. Not only was it far larger than hers, but fully furnished in a style that was far too lavish to ever be mistaken as Fereldan. Instead of a simple bedroll she was lying on a mound of plump embroidered pillows, brightly colored and embellished with gold fringe and tassels. The floor was strewn with thick woven rugs that crisscrossed over its entire length. To her right was a small mahogany table offering bowls of assorted nuts and exotic fruits and next to it, a brightly upholstered chaise lounge. To her left was a sturdy mahogany armoire, a gilded changing screen and full length mirror.
Questions began to fill Alyx's mind. Where was she? How did she get here? And where were the others? Surely she was not a prisoner in this place…or was she? She had learned long ago to never take anything at face value, a truth that saved her skin more times than she could recall. It was admittedly difficult to feel weary, however, when surrounded by such finery.
As she stood and stretched Alyx caught her reflection in the mirror across from her and froze. She took a full step back, nearly tripping over her own two feet before realizing that the woman in the mirror was indeed her. The outfit she wore was nothing like she'd ever seen before (or at least not outside of the books in her father's library). The bodice was a deep green color, an intricate floral pattern embroidered into the rich fabric with golden thread. The neckline was severe, showing off a great deal of cleavage as well as a golden necklace clasped about her neck featuring a tear-drop ruby the size of her thumb. Her arms and several inches of her midriff were bare, showing off a pair of golden cuffs and a delicate chain that spanned the expanse of her waist. The skirt was in a vibrant cherry red, also edged in gold embroidery. At closer inspection it seemed to be made of one long piece of fabric wrapped in an intricate design about her waist, one end thrown over her shoulder like a sash of sorts. All of this was topped off by the most elaborate headdress she had ever seen. A heavy damask veil in the same red color as her skirt covered all but a few inches of her russet hair and was held in place by a pearl-encrusted circlet. Another gossamer veil of green draped across her face to cover her nose and mouth, leaving only her eyes exposed. Alyx had never been one to use cosmetics, but she could not help but appreciate how the black coal surrounding her eyes gave them an exotic tilt they otherwise lacked. When she unclasped the veil across her face she sighed with relief as the familiar lines of her features were revealed. Someone had obviously gone to a great deal of trouble to dress her in this fashion, but why?
Turning from the mirror Alyx felt it was high time she investigate her surroundings. Nothing within the tent hinted as to whose it was or why she would have been brought there. If only she could remember the events of before, then she might have a better idea of what to expect now, but everything preceding the red mist was a blur.
She padded to the entrance on silent feet, taking a deep breath before cautiously peering beyond the flap. Her jaw dropped in shock. Caution forgotten, Alyx stepped out into the blinding sunlight and turned in a slow circle, not quite believing what she was seeing. Beyond the tent there was a world unlike any she had ever seen…a world of nothing but dunes and sky for as far as the eye could see. Whorls of sand danced on the wind, the only visible movement for miles. She was alone here.
That's when it clicked for her. She was in the fade.
She had to be. There were no deserts to be found in Fereldan, and yet here she was in the middle of what could only be a desert. The question now was whose part of the fade was she residing in? It certainly was not her own. Her mind could not have produced such things, and in such vivid detail. The tents, the clothing, the desert…none of these had she ever experienced in the real world, yet here she was.
"Hello?" she called, her voice echoing forlornly across the sand. "Hello?" she called again, her only response the sound of the wind brushing by her. She stood there for a long moment, not sure as to what she should do. And then, as if in answer to her silent question, she felt a subtle pull from something deep within. Without hesitation she began to walk.
Alyx didn't know how long or how far she walked. The desert spread out before her, an endless sea of beige and blue. Yet the insistent tug kept her moving ever forward over the rolling dunes. Her clothes began to cling to her skin, sticky with sweat from the relentless sun. She thought she was used to the heat. Summers in Amaranthine could be suffocating, but this was different. There was no moisture in the air though the heat of the sun shot straight through you. It was like being cooked from the inside out. Strangely, despite the heat and the seemingly endless journey, she neither grew tired or thirsty. If she had any doubts before that she was, in fact, in the fade, they had all but vanished at this revelation.
Then, almost as if it appeared from nowhere, a line of trees wavered into existence on the horizon. An oasis! Alyx thought excitedly. Was this what she was meant to be looking for? She blinked once…twice…just to be sure it wasn't an illusion, but when she opened her eyes the trees were still there, standing tall and proud in the distance. She walked a little quicker now, confident that she was on the right path.
Alyx could not help but gape as she reached the edge of the oasis. Tall trees towered over her head, their trunks bare beyond a spray of feather-like fronds at their peaks. There were shorter, similar trees, some of which dripped with sweet-smelling fruits, others with delicate blooms. There were giant bushes with fat, waxy leaves and bushes that were colorful bursts of thick spikes, speckled or striped through with shades of reds, oranges and yellows. And the flowers…exotic and brightly colored in every shade of the rainbow.
At the center of all of this was a shallow pool of water so clear that she could see straight to its gently sloping bottom. The water itself was a brilliant aquamarine that changed in intensity with the play of light and shadow over its surface. Alyx's eyes were dazzled by all of this, her senses overloaded with each new discovery. Had she ever seen such vibrant colors before? She very much doubted so.
She wandered to the pool and sat by its sandy shores, immediately feeling a deep abiding sense of peace and tranquility…as if as long as she resided in this place, no harm could come to her. Folding her legs beneath her Alyx loosened her arms, closed her eyes and took in a deep, steadying breath. As her mind cleared she could feel her senses expand and sharpen. A tide of energy flowed through her, an energy she had nearly forgotten over the years in her despair.
She was not alone. Though the oasis appeared to be empty, she could feel a presence she hadn't been able to before…a presence she never thought to ever feel again. Her mouth tilted up into a small smile as she let the warmth of it spill over her.
"Hello Michiaki," she said without turning.
"So…has your mind finally calmed, ayasha?" her mentor's familiar, gravelly voice asked from behind her.
"No," she replied as she turned to face him, an ironic smile touching her lips. "But perhaps with time it has become more accepting."
Michiaki chuckled lightly at her words, his dark eyes sparkling with mirth as they exchanged a brief but warm embrace in greeting. Alyx took a step back to study her old friend and was hardly surprised to see him unchanged. Of all of the people she'd met over the years, he had been one of the few constants in her life. It was comforting to know that there was something left to her unmarred by the darkspawn.
"It's good to see you old friend," she said, squeezing his hands meaningfully.
"Ah, and it is good to see you too, child," he replied. "I had hoped you would come to me on your own, but you never were one for meditation."
"You brought me here?" she asked.
Michiaki nodded in affirmation. She found herself unsurprised at this revelation. If this was his personal corner of the fade, it would only make sense that it would reflect a place that meant something to him. And why shouldn't it? She often found herself in Highever Castle in her own dreams (when she wasn't dreaming of darkspawn that is), why wouldn't he dream of his homeland? Michiaki had described his country to her in great detail over the course of their friendship. It was only now as the memories returned to her that she saw that the answer to the puzzle had been right there in front of her. The only question now was…
"Why?" she asked out loud, her curiosity getting the better of her.
"Your time in the between is better served here than in the ether," he said.
"I don't understand," she replied carefully.
"Think back, ayasha. Try to remember the events that led you here," he said softly.
The two of them settled across from each other on the warm sandy ground as she closed her eyes and began to think, but nothing but shapes and colors and the occasional fragment of muffled voices came to the forefront of her mind. Why was it so difficult to remember? Something inside of her began to panic. What if she couldn't ever remember?
"It's all fuzzy," she huffed in consternation.
"Concentrate. It will come to you."
Alyx nodded and once again, closed her eyes. Again she saw only shapes and colors, but as she started to relax into her thoughts they began to meld into more recognizable forms. Her brow furrowed in confusion as the images grew clearer, but were no more than snippets of time taken from her shattered memories.
Then suddenly she began to see it. She remembered there was a dark chamber that smelled of mold, death and darkspawn… the ruins! Her mind supplied of its own accord, but how did she get there? And then…the lake! And the mirror that had called to her, that brought her to that place. She remembered the pain, a sort of deep gnawing sensation that had overwhelmed her every time she slipped back into consciousness. Then when she was awake she could do nothing more than to pray for the only thing that would release her from the agony, but death never came. The outline of figures began to take shape until she recognized the faces of her companions, all staring at her in fear and concern…and then there was a voice that sent chills down her spine…
"No," she muttered as the memories came to her faster and faster, pain and emotions intensifying as the events played out in her mind. Her heart began to pound as she saw Flemith move first to Oghren, then to Zevran and Anders and finally, to Nate. "No…" she repeated more intensely as she heard Flemith cackle in glee just before the witch sunk her talons into Nate's side, forcing Alyx to watch in horror as the life began to leave his eyes…
"Nathaniel!" she screamed, startling herself out of her trance, her breath coming in heavy gasps.
"Peace, child. Your man is safe for now," Michiaki said calmly.
"He's not my man," she said too quickly, blushing furiously as she realized how revealing her reaction was.
"And yet you are more concerned about his wellbeing than your own," Michiaki replied, grinning knowingly. Alyx opened her mouth to deny it, but then her face drained of all its color as the implication of his words sunk in.
"Michiaki, you're not…you don't mean to say…I'm not—"
"No, but you are close. Even as we speak your friends fight for your life."
Alyx took a moment to let that sink in. If they were fighting to save her, did that mean that there was still a chance…?
"Yes," Michiaki said.
"Yes?" Alyx asked in confusion.
"Yes is the answer to the question in your eyes. It is not your time, child," he replied.
"What if I don't want to go back?" she asked carefully. She could imagine spending the rest of her days in this tranquil place. There would be no more worrying, no more fear; no more fighting…she could be at peace at last…
"You must, if not for your brethren, then for the sake of your daughter."
Jocelyn. Guilt racked her body as she realized she hadn't considered her daughter at all while she was busy daydreaming about a peaceful existence in the beyond.
"You must protect her with your life, ayasha. She is the future of Fereldan," Michiaki told her.
"The future…you don't mean-? No, no! I don't want that life for her! I won't allow it!" Alyx yelled as she jumped to her feet and began to pace. She tried to calm herself but the very idea of what Jocelyn would have to face were she even to consider taking the throne…
"You cannot change her destiny any more than you could change your own—"
"To hell with destiny! Whatever happened to free will?" she screamed.
"Ayasha!" he barked, rare temper briefly flashing in his eyes. "It is not our destiny that matters, but the path we choose to get there," he said as he stood and approached her. He placed a calming hand on her shoulder. "Ayasha," he began again, his voice turning soft and pleading. She dropped her head in shame for her temper.
"Don't you see?" she asked, her voice muffled with tears she refused to let fall.
He lifted her chin so that she was looking him in the eyes. "We must all play our part. Mine was once teacher, now you must take up the mantle. She will need your strength and guidance to become what she must."
"Is there no other way?" she asked, her eyes pleading for him to understand.
"It is a mother's burden to worry for her child," he said with a small, knowing smile. "Your child is sired from kings. Their blood is hers, and their honor burns bright in her heart. Change is coming to the world, ayasha. If there is any hope for your Fereldan your daughter must find her way, and without you, she will fail."
"But why me?" she asked. Surely if something were to happen to her Fergus would take guardianship over Jocelyn…and Fergus had been a fabulous father.
"You have become a strong woman, far stronger than I could ever have imagined. You took back your life when most would have fallen into despair, and for that I am proud of you, ayasha."
"If I am strong it's because I have to be," she said.
"You are strong because the Maker wills it," he snapped.
Alyx sighed.
"So this is why you brought me here? To tell me this?"
"To warn you, yes, but this is not the only reason. I am an old man, ayasha, and my time is drawing to an end. Before I die I wish to grant you a boon."
"A boon? What sort of boon?" she asked curiously.
"The tall, ruggedly handsome sort of boon if I do say so myself," an achingly familiar voice drawled from behind her.
Alyx froze her entire body stiffening at the sound. Could it be? No, it was impossible! And yet…she swallowed hard, preparing herself to turn, half afraid that when she did no one would be there. She snapped her head around and her face immediately drained of all its color.
"Alistair," she whispered as her eyes traveled over his large, loose-legged warrior's frame. He wore a rich midnight blue doublet over a loose tunic, dark breeches and soft calf-skin boots. A simple leather belt was buckled low on his narrow hips and his wrists were encased in a pair of embossed matching leather bracers. He had an air of casual confidence about him that was rare for him outside of battle, but she thought it more than suited him here. Indeed, he looked far more like the king he should have been than he ever had before…or perhaps he would have if it weren't for the lop-sided grin plastered across his sun-bronzed face and the telltale sparkle of humor in his familiar hazel eyes.
She'd seen that same look on his face a thousand times before. Seeing it now was like a shock to the system. Alyx found it hard to breathe as the emotions whirled up inside her. She wanted to touch him, to feel the warmth of him beneath her fingertips and know that he was real and not just a figment of her imagination. She wanted to hold him and kiss him senseless, until the pounding of his heart matched her own. She wanted to kill him.
"Uh…surprise?" he said nervously as he opened his arms in welcome. As the silence stretched out and her look of shock turned into one of anger, the smile dropped from his face and he began to fidget.
Alyx stood unhurriedly, desperately trying to suppress her haywire emotions as she approached him, slow at first but gaining momentum as her temper flared. Alistair looked as if he wanted to bolt but he stood his ground nonetheless. She balled her hands into fists as she closed the distance between them and burst into action the moment she was within striking distance. She screamed nonsensical curses at him as she beat at his chest in her rage. Alistair stalwartly took the blows. When her screams turned into sobs and she sagged weakly against his chest he wordlessly wrapped his arms around her and held her close, rubbing her back as he whispered, "Hush now," and "I'm sorry, my love, so sorry," into her hair. He held her like that until her sobs turned first into wet snuffles and then subsided into soft, wrenching hiccups. Eventually she looked up at him, allowing him to wipe away the last of her tears with the pads of his thumbs. As she stared into his eyes, she found only love and concern behind them.
"You died," she croaked, not in accusation but in confusion.
"I did," he affirmed, though it came out sounding more like a question than a fact. She could see the weariness in his eyes, though who could blame him after her initial embarrassing reaction to his presence.
"Then how…how is this possible?" she asked.
Obvious relief filled his eyes at her question.
"You're in the Between," he said, and then sighed as she merely stared at him expectantly. "There are realms within realms in the fade, my love. The Between separates the dreams of the living from the Beyond. It's a threshold of sorts, and the only realm where the living and the dead can coexist."
"So…what? I can only see you because I'm more dead than alive?" she asked incredulously.
"That's not how I would've put it but essentially, yes," Alistair replied. "In all honesty I would never have even known you were here if it hadn't been for your old mentor. Michiaki sought me out and told me of your presence here, knowing I would want to speak with you if I ever had the chance."
"Michiaki? But how?" she asked, even more confused than she'd been before. Had he not just confirmed that he was still alive (though apparently not for much longer)?
"There are a handful of people with the gift to commune on both sides of the threshold. Michiaki is amongst these," he explained. "When he found you in the ether he was able to create this reality so we might meet…but only for as long as your living body allows you to remain in the Between. Which reminds me…as glad as I am to see you love, could you at least try to be a little more careful? Only being able to see you now because you're mostly dead does put a damper on our reunion."
"Yes, because I certainly would have foreseen being taken by a crazed, revenge-seeking, demon-possessed witch…whom, by the way, I thought was dead…and was apparently intent on killing both me and my men…as a start," she said dryly.
"Point…taken," he murmured as color crept up his neck to infuse his face.
It was such a dear, familiar look that Alyx couldn't help but burst into laughter at the sight of it. She sighed and leaned forward until her forehead touched his.
"I've missed you," she whispered. Alistair sighed contentedly as he grasped the back of her neck in one warm hand.
"And I you," he whispered back as he whorled his thumb across the skin at her nape, creating a delicious, calming sensation that spread through her senses like wildfire. "In all seriousness, Alyx, please be careful. I know better than anyone how dangerous the life of a Warden can be, but our daughter has already lost one parent. She cannot spare another."
"You know of Jocelyn?" she asked, surprised.
The grin that broke over his face at their daughter's name was stunning to say the least.
"Yes, and I couldn't be more proud of her. She's beautiful! But how could she not be when she is the very picture of her mother?" he replied, hazel eyes dancing with pride and warmth.
"She has more your coloring, I think…and your smile," Alyx said.
"She does, doesn't she?" he said, his smile growing even wider than before.
"She's already begun to show signs of having inherited the infamous Theirin charm. There isn't a man or woman who's met her that hasn't been thoroughly wrapped around her tiny finger. She'll be a handful when she gets older," Alyx added, her eyes sparkling with mirth.
"At least you won't have to worry about her picking up any horrible habits from me," he said cheekily and immediately regretted his words as the smile fell from her face. Alistair sighed. "Maker, Alyx, I'm sorry. I want to be there for her, I do! But… this is for the best."
"How is it for the best?" she demanded. "She will never have a normal life, Alistair, and she will never truly know her father though I talk to her about you constantly. Telling her about you is not the same. She deserves to have a father, and she deserves to have a life free of the political machinations that has forced me to hide her existence from the world."
"I know, my love, and I wholeheartedly agree, but we cannot choose our destinies. You are right to hide her, by the way. Anora cannot be trusted, but…there will come a time when it will no longer be necessary to hide her. Until then you must protect her with your life, though I think that goes without saying. She is—"
"—the 'Future of Fereldan.' Yes, Michiaki has told me as much," she replied bitterly.
"I know you do not like it, but it is how it must be. It is her—"
"—Destiny. Yes, yes, I know, I know," she interrupted irritably. "And this coming from the man who didn't want to be king," she murmured to herself, but Alistair heard it nonetheless.
"I might not have wanted to be king but I agreed, not only because it was right but because you believed in me. Believe in our daughter; help her to become the woman I know she could be. The rest will fall into place," he said.
Alyx eyed him silently in speculation, wondering exactly when Alistair had become so intuitive. Was it time in the Beyond that made him so, or had she simply not seen it before?
"You've changed," she said softly after a time.
"As have you," he replied sadly before a wicked light came to life in his eyes and his normal glib tone crept back into voice as he said, "Just so you know, if I weren't already dead, you'd be killing me right now woman."
"That isn't funny," she huffed as she shot him a pointed glare.
"And I'm not laughing," he replied seriously. "You don't know how hard it's been, watching you these past two years. You're miserable, Alyx, and you needn't be."
"And what pray tell should I be so happy about, hmm?" she fumed. "The fact that my husband is dead, that I have to keep my child a secret from the rest of the world, or ooh! I know! How about the fact that I have save the world from the darkspawn…again!"
"Whatever happened to the confident, optimistic woman that always found time to enjoy life, no matter how hard it got? What happened to the woman I fell in love with?"
"She no longer exists! I died that day atop Fort Drakon! What was left was nothing more than what was necessary and that only for Jocelyn's sake alone," she replied, feeling very tired all of a sudden.
"I don't believe that," Alistair said very quietly. "I've seen glimpses of the old you, the real you slip out in rare moments of levity…when you stop thinking and allow yourself just to feel. If only you would stop blaming yourself for everything out of your control, and don't deny it Alyx! I know you too well!" he scolded as she opened her mouth to interrupt. She snapped her mouth closed again, blushing as he gave her a sharp look. "You've done me a grave disservice you know," he added, causing her eyebrows to shoot up in surprise. Alistair sighed once again as he ran a hand through his tousled golden hair and then took both of her hands in his before he began again. "Did you think I wanted to die?" he asked. "I'd barely begun to live. I was young and healthy and chock-full of life. Hell, you could hardly have even called me a man before I met you. Every experience was so new and so fresh and I wanted to experience it all with you. You made me into a man, Alyx, in more ways than you could ever know. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you, but of the two of us you had always been the stronger. I took that final blow not just to end the blight but to give you a chance at life, and you squander it by miring yourself in guilt. It has to change, Alyx. "
"You say that as if it were easy," she said.
"It could be if you would only let it," he replied softly.
Alyx struggled to hold back the tears of shame that pressed hot against the back of her eyes. His quiet disappointment was far worse than any tirade he might have unleashed on her. Harsh words and yelling she could take, but this…it was nearly too much to bear.
"Let go of this nonsensical guilt, Alyx. I chose to slay the archdemon. Nothing you could have said or done would have changed my mind, and nothing would have convinced me to allow you to take my place. Surely at least you can see that if you had died in my stead Jocelyn would never have been born?"
"We could have both survived. There was another way…" she began stubbornly. "If I'd only accepted Morrigan's offer—"
"But at what cost? Morrigan might have believed she knew what she was about, but trust me when I say it is far better this way."
Alyx nodded forlornly. She had come to the same conclusion herself long ago, but it still bothered her sometimes to think that the woman she had once called sister, the same woman who had abandoned them the night before they marched on Denerim, could have saved both their lives. Had she and Alistair accepted Morrigan's offer things might have turned out very differently. And you might have released a monster a thousand times worse than the archdemon on the world for all you know, she told herself.
"Alyx…look at me," he said, regaining her attention. "Slaying the archdemon…it was what I was meant to do. I knew it the moment I stepped onto that roof and I wouldn't change it now even if I could. There is no greater honor a Grey Warden can be given than the chance to stop the blight once and for all. I am proud to have been one of their numbers."
Alyx swallowed hard and nodded once again. She could hear the strength of his conviction in his voice and knew it to be truth. A part of her was appeased by this, but the hole in her heart was no closer to being healed by his words. Even after all this time she still mourned his absence, still longed for him in so many ways. Alistair had been more than just a lover; he had been her best friend. Perhaps that was why she held on so tightly.
"Take me with you…when you leave," she breathed, desperation lacing her words.
"You know I can't," he replied, his eyes filled with great sadness. He ran his knuckles lightly down the side of her face, his gaze turning fierce and full of longing as he traced her features with one long finger. Alyx leaned into his touch, closing her eyes as she tried to memorize this moment. Maker knew when they would see each other again…perhaps never. The thought truly scared her. When she opened her eyes again she knew she could not leave this place without feeling his lips against hers one last time. She reached up and pulled his head down to capture his mouth in a deep and passionate kiss.
Alistair responded with all of the sweet enthusiasm he'd always shown. For a moment she reveled in the familiar feel of his tongue dancing with hers, of his teeth nibbling tantalizingly across her lips, and in the strong feel of his arms around her, reflexively drawing her in closer until one could barely tell where one of them ended and the other began. It was the same as it had always been and yet…different. Not bad…just different. Her mind began to race. Alistair was her husband, the love of her life and the only man she had ever wanted to spend the rest of her days with, right? So what had changed? She wished she could say that it was simply a matter of time and distance, but she knew better than that. It was with a sudden clarity that she realized what it was…Alistair was not Nathaniel.
The thought made her stiffen in surprise. Despite her arguments to the contrary she had begun to let go, and she had begun to think of the future; a future that included one person in particular. Nathaniel Howe had not only crept into her heart he'd apparently set up shop and taken precedence, even over her beloved Alistair. The truth of it both startled and shamed her. She pulled out of Alistair's embrace slowly, afraid of what she would see in his expression. The sad smile on his face only confirmed to her that he knew…he knew.
"Oh, Alistair…I'm so sorry my love!" she breathed, tears leaping to her eyes of their own accord.
"Shh, hush now! You have nothing to apologize for," he said as he wiped her tears away. "It is only natural and right for you find another. It's as it should be."
"But…you and I—"
"It's him, Alyx. It was always meant to be him…just as our time together was always meant to be finite."
"How can you say that?" she whispered accusingly.
"I'm not devaluing our relationship, not in the slightest. You were the best thing to ever happen to me, my love. The one and only thing to bring true joy into my life, but it was never meant to last. What you have with Nathaniel could last a lifetime if you would only let it."
"But I promised—"
"Till death do us part…or have you forgotten that part of our vows?" he asked teasingly, bringing a blush to her face. He chuckled lightly at the look but then turned serious again as he continued. "Any promises you made to me were null and void the day I died. You are a free woman…though you have always been as much to me. It hurts that you would believe me cold enough to begrudge you the chance at happiness with another."
"I—" Alyx began, but she was at a loss for words. Once again she found herself near tears. Alistair simply smiled and lifted her chin until they were eye to eye.
"I love you Alyxandria Cousland Theirin. I will always love you. But the truth is I can't be there for you or for Jocelyn no matter how much I want to be. Your Nathaniel is a good man and what's more, he cares for you. He could make you happy, I know he can. That's all I ever wanted you know…for you to be happy. You deserve to be."
"Wynne and Leliana told me as much," she murmured, remembering the conversation she had with them in the study the day Nathaniel had kissed her. That seemed so long ago now…
"You should listen to them, my love. Don't shut them out," he said. Alyx nodded in understanding.
Alistair looked up as a brisk gust of wind passed over them.
"Our time is up," he announced.
"Must it be?" she asked him.
"I'm afraid so," he replied with a sad smile as he turned from her and looked beyond the building clouds.
"I do love you, you know," she said quickly, only just realizing she hadn't told him so over the course of their conversation.
"I never doubted it," he said warmly.
By then the wind had truly picked up, creating a sort of gritty haze as the sand whirled up from the ground. Alyx was forced to hold the veil across her face to keep the sand from shooting up her nose and into her mouth.
"Alyx?" a deep voice called to her from over the din of the wind. She knew that voice.
"Nate?" she called as she whipped her head around to look behind her but all she could see was sand.
"Go to him," Alistair said, gesturing over her shoulder with one hand. "He's waiting," he added gently.
"Will I ever see you again?" Alyx asked him.
"You can count on it," he replied, his customary lop-sided smile spreading across his face. Alyx couldn't help but return his smile. She was sad that they were parting, but somehow the knowledge didn't hurt as much as it used to.
A river of sand rolled through the oasis, consuming all like the tide coming in off the sea. It filled the air until she could barely make out Alistair's form just a few feet away.
"Remember…be happy," he called through the whirlwind, and then, "Tell Jocelyn I love her!" It was the last thing she heard before he disappeared altogether.
Suddenly she realized she'd forgotten about Michiaki. Her shoulders drooped in disappointment, realizing it was far too late to go back. She wished she would've had a chance to thank him, for few people were given such an opportunity. Somehow he knew that she needed this sense of closure before she would ever be able to move on and somehow he found a way to give it to her. Alyx shot him a mental thank you and was only half surprised when she felt his warm 'welcome' pass across her consciousness as light as a butterfly's wings. She smiled, hoping against hope that they would meet again one day.
"Alyx!" Nate's voiced called to her from out of the swirling sandstorm.
"I'm here!" She cried. "I'm here!" Though she knew he could neither see nor hear her.
"Stay with me Lexy, don't leave me! Not now, Maker, not when we…we need you, Lex…I need you, please!" he cried, his voice sounding hoarse and desperate.
I'm coming, my love, I'm coming, she thought as she let the desert take her. She walked with confidence into the storm, knowing that when she woke again it would be within her living body. She walked into the storm not knowing what to expect, but with the willingness to begin anew, if the choice would still be granted to her. Hope for the future and Nathaniel's voice led her into the storm…into the storm and out of the fade where a new world awaited her.
*Muse Tunes: "The Desert Journey," and "Reunited" by Brian Tyler (Children of Dune OST); "A New World", "The King" and "Saladin" by Henry Gregson-Williams (Kingdom of Heaven OST); "Message for the Queen" by Tyler Bates (300 OST).