Chapter 40 - A New World

Alyx found waking up in the real world to be nowhere near as pleasant as it had been in the fade. For one, everything hurt. She could feel her temples pounding in time with her empty stomach, half the desert had lodged itself in her throat, and if she didn't find a privy soon she was likely to have an unfortunate accident. Of course actually getting to the privy might be something of a challenge, considering the trouble she was having just trying to convince her eyelids to open, let alone finding the strength to stand.

When her eyes eventually did flutter open she noticed several things at once. Firstly, that she was back at the Vigil, in her own bed in her private quarters. Secondly, that it was early morning…or so she assumed, judging by the bend of the light streaming in from the windows across the far wall and the remnants of last night's fire still smoldering in the fireplace. Seeing the familiar scarred furniture and the sparse decorations brought her a comfort she hadn't known she needed, ironic though it may be. For who would have guessed that the home of her enemy would one day become the one place she truly felt safe? Or perhaps it wasn't the Vigil so much as the people within it…or person if she was to be completely honest with herself…a person who just happened to be slouched in an armchair near the fire.

Nathaniel, her heart whispered. Alyx found herself staring at him, drinking in every detail and committing it to memory.

In truth he looked retched. Deep bruises marred the delicate skin beneath his eyes, a telltale sign that he hadn't been sleeping. His facial hair had been allowed to grow so much so that within a few days he would have a full beard, and his hair hung loosely about his face instead of plated or swept back into a leather thong as was his habit. It was with a measure of surprise that Alyx realized that in all the time that she'd known him she'd never seen it completely unbound before. She decided she preferred it this way, wild and hanging in silky waves past his shoulders. It softened the sharp angles of his face yet somehow emphasized his aristocratic features. She often wondered how those same features that marked him as a Howe could be so attractive in him when it had made his father look stiff and perpetually sour. Perhaps it had something to do with the vast difference in their personalities. She inwardly shrugged, not wishing to contemplate the late Arl for longer than necessary.

Her breath hitched in her chest as Nate huffed and shifted in his sleep, the creases between his eyebrows momentarily intensifying before they smoothed out almost completely. He can't be comfortable, she thought as her eyes traveled over his long, lanky form sprawled across the armchair and noted the simple, loose clothing he wore. Nate was not what she would call a vain man, but he had always taken pains to keep himself properly clothed and groomed. In the end she believed it to be years of strict instruction and breeding that was so deeply ingrained that it had become a part of him, just as it had become a part of her. Perhaps that was why it was so unsettling to witness him in such disarray. She'd rarely seen him out of a full set of leather armor let alone in something so…well, untidy. Even the laces at the neck of his tunic had been left undone, exposing a light smattering of dark hair through the gap in the material. It was such a small thing, hardly inappropriate, and yet she had the sudden compulsion to reach out and place her hand against his chest, if only to feel his heartbeat strong and steady against her fingertips. Alyx smiled to herself. He might look a mess, but he was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. He was alive…and so was she for that matter.

"So you're awake at last," a feminine voice called softly from the other side of the room. Alyx stiffened at the sound of it. She knew that voice. It can't be, she thought, but there was no mistaking the low, sultry timbre that was as familiar to her as her own. She turned her head to glance behind her, brow furrowed in confusion.

"Careful now. You'll tear your wounds open and your slack-jawed buffoon of a healer will have an apoplexy," the woman added with the touch of a sardonic smile.

Alyx stared at the yellow-eyed, raven-haired beauty that stood on the other side of the bed, arms crossed haughtily in front of her chest. She blinked a few times to be sure that she truly was awake and that this wasn't some horrible nightmare.

"Morrigan?" she rasped.

"Yes, your eyes do not deceive, my friend. 'Tis me," Morrigan said as she walked around the bed to kneel so that they were eye to eye.

Alyx could only gape. The woman hadn't changed a bit since she'd last seen her. She possessed the same lethal beauty and the same arrogant demeanor that she remembered from their travels together. The only noticeable difference now was a subtle hint of nervous uncertainty within the depths of Morrigan's cat-like eyes. Alyx narrowed her own in suspicion.

"What are you—"she began angrily but clamped her mouth shut as she looked sideways at Nate's sleeping form.

"You needn't worry, he'll not wake…not yet at any rate," Morrigan said softly, her full lips quirking up into a knowing smile.

"If you've harmed him—"

"Tsk, tsk, sister! Such scathing looks you give, and without the benefit of an explanation. My how we've changed!" Morrigan drawled, her eyes widening to enhance the effect of her words. Alyx simply glared at her, unimpressed with the all-too-familiar act. Morrigan sighed in resignation. "Tis but a simple sleep spell which, I assure you, was for his own good. The foolish man has refused to leave your side and thus has refused to rest as he should. I told him that he would never heal properly if he continued to ignore his body's needs, but he is just as stubborn as you are… more so if that were even possible. Perhaps that is why I like him…or mayhap it is simply because he is not Alistair."

"You shouldn't speak ill of the dead," Alyx snapped in annoyance.

"'Tis not an insult but a matter of fact," Morrigan replied, her chin going up an arrogant notch. "I never pretended to like the man and will not oblige you now simply because he is dead."

"Why are you here?" Alyx asked with a heavy sigh.

"Do you not recall?" Morrigan asked, her head cocking to one side.

Alyx's brow furrowed in confusion. What was she...? Suddenly it all began to come back to her. Her breathing grew shallow and unsteady as she was seized with an onslaught of images and feelings that had been suppressed since the moment she lost consciousness. The ruins, Flemeth, Nate…

"Jocelyn!" she gasped, the single word little more than a whisper between her cracked lips.

"Your daughter is safe," Morrigan replied calmly, her hand coming up to briefly rest on Alyx's shoulder. The simple motion simultaneously stilled her trembling limbs and strangled a relieved sigh from between her lips.

"How can you be sure?" she asked, her eyes once again narrowing at the other woman.

"You and Jocelyn have a rare bond, one that not even Flemeth can sever. As long as you live your daughter is safe, at least from one such as she…a detail Mother no doubt forgot to mention. Surely you did not think revenge was her only motive?" Morrigan asked with a sly smile.

"Yes, well I…wait. It was you wasn't it? In the ruins. You killed Flemeth," she gasped.

"If only that were true," Morrigan replied with a sad smile. "If there exists a way to truly kill her I have yet to find it. Instead I merely trapped her."

"Trapped?" Alyx repeated.

"Within an enchanted amulet," Morrigan confirmed with a curt nod.

"And this is safe…how?"

"The ritual that would free her is an ancient one. 'Tis blood magic and thus, not commonly known, even in Tevinter. Only the most powerful of mages would have the ability to perform such a ritual…assuming they were able to retrieve the amulet in the first place, which is unlikely. 'Tis well hidden in a location known only to myself…a knowledge I would keep secret, even from you."

"But what if someone were to find it by chance?" Alyx pressed.

"Then they would likely think it a pretty trinket and nothing more," Morrigan said with a heavy sigh. "I understand your concern, Falcon, but I have thought this through carefully. The chance of someone stumbling upon it is as likely as finding your proverbial needle in a haystack."

Alyx nodded in understanding though she couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding. Something told her that one way or another, Flemeth would rise again.

Glancing back at Morrigan, Alyx wondered what the woman hoped to achieve by suddenly reappearing after all this time. She had once considered her to be a dear and loyal friend, despite her surly demeanor and despite Alistair's obvious and vehement disapproval of her. He had been right to mistrust her as it turned out, and she had never forgiven Morrigan for abandoning them in their greatest time of need. Why had her supposed "sister" returned? And what had she to gain from being here? Anger rose unbidden as she remembered their last meeting in the guest quarters at Redcliffe and her abrupt departure shortly thereafter. She had been used and deceived by this woman and nothing since then had served to expunge the lingering sense of betrayal.

"Why?" Alyx asked in dangerously soft tones, her nostrils flaring delicately in her anger.

"That is a rather broad question—"

"Then perhaps you should start at the beginning," Alyx interrupted.

Morrigan snapped her mouth shut, temper flaring to life in her eyes as she raised her chin yet another notch.

"I was sent with you for a purpose. Once that purpose failed I had no more reason to stay, and as far as Flemeth…'twas only a matter of time before she resurfaced. She needed to be stopped, and I was the only one with the knowledge to stop her."

"Then why are you still here?" she asked softly.

"I…" Morrigan began, the sudden gruffness to her voice finally showing a crack in her façade. Alyx remained silent as she watched Morrigan's internal struggle in fascination. She looked like an animal that had wandered into a cage and just realized the door had snapped shut firmly behind her. When Morrigan suddenly began to laugh Alyx didn't know whether she should be relieved or worried.

"Truly it has been too long since I've been in the company of others," Morrigan began as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'd forgotten that most people do not view emotions as Mother had. Loyalty, faith, kinship, love…all of these things she saw as no more than weaknesses; tools to manipulate and exploit. I had always agreed with her on the subject, or at least I did. It was you who taught me that there can be strength in such things, yet it seems I have fallen back into old habits despite this."

"I don't understand," Alyx replied carefully, her brow furrowing in confusion.

"I lied Falcon. I fled not because I had failed in my task but because I couldn't stand to see you foolishly sacrifice yourself."

Alyx's eyebrows flew up at this confession but she held her peace as Morrigan continued, her voice low and hoarse.

"I knew from the first what Mother had in mind for me, but when it came time to offer you my services I found myself curiously nervous of the outcome. I found I wanted you to accept, not for my own sake but for your own. Yet despite my anxiety I was certain that you would accept, for only a fool would deny the offer of life, and you are no fool."

"Yes, but—"

"Please…let me finish," Morrigan said with a small gesture of her hand. Alyx's eyebrows shot up at her politeness. In all the time she had known her, Alyx couldn't recall Morrigan ever using the word "please". Perhaps she has changed more than I thought, she mused as she leaned back against the pillow and allowed Morrigan to continue.

"So confident in your answer was I that the possibility that you would deny me was not a reality that I had been prepared for. It was in that moment, seeing the determined look in your eyes, that I realized that if it came down to it, you would willingly sacrifice yourself to spare him. I was shocked, and furious to think that you would throw your life away for the sake of that fool templar. So I left."

"We needed you, Morrigan. I needed you, and you just…abandoned us to our fate," Alyx seethed, her eyes shifting to the other side of the room as she tried to control her swirling emotions.

"No you didn't. You defeated the blight without my help, just as I knew you would."

"No. Alistair did, and I've had to bear the guilt of it ever since."

"I know," Morrigan replied softly, causing Alyx's eyebrow's to go flying once again. Morrigan chuckled softly as she reached out to briefly squeeze her hand in a rare show of warmth. "You were the only friend I have ever had, a sister not in blood but in bond. I regretted leaving almost from the first, but by then I thought it too late to make amends. With Alistair dead and the blight ended I had no viable excuse to return to your side, but I could not help but feel that I yet owed you for your unflagging confidence in me, deserved or no. I checked on you from time to time, always watching at a safe distance in one form or another. There were times I nearly gave myself away, times when I wanted nothing more than to shake you until you awoke from your self-inflicted misery, but I never got up the courage to do so. Instead I helped wherever I could, when I thought it safe to do so without being discovered. In this way I was able to both satisfy my curiosity and ensure your well-being, though you didn't always make it easy for me."

"The falcon…that was you wasn't it?" Alyx asked.

"Indeed it was," Morrigan replied with a smile. "I thought it a fine form to take…under the circumstances."

"And what of Flemeth? How did you even know where to find her?"

"Ah, yes. I had been tracking her movements for some time. I knew she would be looking for a new host but 'twas nearly too late before I learned of her true intent. I only wish I had discovered her plans sooner, if for no other reason than to save you from the physical and mental torture she surely inflicted upon you."

"Yet you saved my life and my daughter's by extension, as well as that of my men. I could never ask more from you than that. Thank you…sister."

"You are welcome, though your gratitude is unnecessary. I did only what had to be done," Morrigan said too quickly, obviously touched by her words but uncomfortable with the emotion behind it.

"Perhaps," Alyx replied, a ghost of a smile touching her lips as her eyes danced with silent mirth. Morrigan smiled in return and for an instant Alyx felt as if the last couple years had dropped away and they were simply two women sharing a moment of peace amidst a world that had gone incredibly wrong. And then just like that the spell was broken and they were back in her bedroom at the Vigil once again. The smile faded from Alyx's mouth as she stared at Morrigan, wondering if she ever really knew the woman at all.

"Will you stay?" she asked before she could think better of it.

"For a time," Morrigan replied simply. Alyx nodded when she didn't elaborate.

A yawn from across the room made both women whip their heads around. Nate stretched and rubbed his neck before his dark head came up, his hooded, sleep-heavy gaze immediately focusing on them. She saw the moment he realized she was awake in the sudden tension in his shoulders and the subtle widening of his silverite eyes.

"I'll just…go and let the others know you are awake," Morrigan said with a knowing smile and a brief squeeze of her hand before she stood and sashayed out the door, but Alyx had barely heard her words. The moment Nate's eyes had met hers from across the room the rest of the world had simply fallen away.

Her head began spinning with a sudden nervous energy as he stood and approached the bed. Calm yourself! It's only Nate, the voice of reason hissed in her ear. Yes, but everything is different now, her heart whispered in return. How could things not be different now that he knew? Her heart had been laid bare thanks to Flemeth, and she had never felt so exposed in her entire life. It was not in her nature to feel so inhibited, even vulnerable…especially around men. She hadn't even felt this way around Alistair, though in truth she never had reason to hide her affections from him or he from her. Even in the beginning. Somehow things were different with Nate, he was different, and she didn't know what to say or how to act around him now that they had this knowledge between them…the proverbial pink elephant, she thought with a wry, inward snort.

Alyx felt the tick shift with his weight as Nate carefully sat on the edge of the bed, his arm naturally settling on her opposite side as he gently leaned over her. She froze at his proximity and at the intensity in his stormy gaze as his eyes wandered intently over her features. He seemed to be searching for something in her expression, as if he was ensuring himself that she truly was awake….or perhaps he was simply waiting for her to say something. She inwardly panicked, unsure of how best to break the awkward silence that had settled between them, but nothing besides 'hi' came to mind (and that would be just plain stupid, she added to herself with a mental kick). In the end it was he that spoke first.

"This isn't going to become a habit of yours is it?" he asked in a low husky voice, the side of his mouth quirking up in a lop-sided smile.

Alyx chuckled softly, automatically relaxing at his teasing words. How long ago it seemed that she had asked him the very same question, when their places were reversed.

"Yes well, don't tell Anders. He'd kill me," she drawled with an answering smile that faded as quickly as it had come. Anders. Her heart ached for the mage, but she knew she had made the right decision. She would have to speak to him about it, though it was one interview she was not looking forward to. She only hoped that with time, he would understand.

Nate frowned at the mention of Anders' name but didn't comment on it. Instead he reached out to gently brush away a tendril of hair before cupping one side of her face in his hand. For the first time, Alyx allowed herself to lean into his touch, reveling in the warmth of his long, elegant fingers as his thumb swept lazily across her cheek. She stifled a gasp as the last vestiges of his composure crumbled at her silent acceptance, revealing the maelstrom of feelings beneath the surface. She had become so accustomed to seeing the typical neutral mask he so frequently wore that it was something of a shock to see his emotions written so plainly across his face. Oh my, her mind whispered, her heart beating a little faster. I certainly could get used to this, she thought.

"Maker, Lex. I thought I lost you," he said hoarsely. For a second there you almost did, she thought, but didn't say so aloud. She didn't want to give him anymore reason for concern, especially not while he was looking at her the way he was now.

"I could say the same about you," she said instead.

"And yet here we are," he replied with another wry smile.

"Here we are," she agreed with a small smile of her own. "Though I'm not quite sure how we are. How did we get back to the Vigil?"

"Ah, well that is a rather long story," he replied cautiously.

"Please, Nate. I need to know."

Nate sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. Alyx relaxed and settled against the pillows as he began to tell her of how they tracked her after her disappearance and how they unexpectedly met up with Zevran in the ruins.

"If it wasn't for Hector neither of us would be here right now."

"Hector? What did he do?" Alyx asked in surprise.

"Zevran had the presence of mind to send him for help before Flemeth overtook us. I don't know how he did it, but your mabari was somehow able to waylay a merchant's caravan on its way to Amaranthine. Once they realized who you were they readily agreed to take us back to the Vigil. From what your friend Morrigan told me later on, given the extent of our injuries had they tried to carry us on horseback, neither one of us would've survived the trip. Even then it took everything in Anders' power to keep you alive for the duration."

"And foreigners wonder why we regard our dogs so highly," Alyx replied, eyes sparkling with pride for her dearest and most loyal companion. "Poor lad. I should really retire him after this. He deserves some down time before he gets too old and fat to enjoy it."

"Indeed," Nate murmured in return.

"Out of curiosity, just how long was I out for?" Alyx asked.

"Eight…no, nine days now."

"What?" Alyx cried. Had she really been unconscious for nearly a week and a half? "How is that even possible?"

"You will have to ask Anders for the specifics, but from what I was told it wasn't your injuries but the infection that set in soon afterwards that nearly killed you. He was forced to keep you sedated until he was certain you wouldn't thrash around and reopen your wounds, and even then you were under constant supervision. It wasn't until a couple days ago that he declared you out of danger."

"Maker," Alyx breathed, still finding it hard to believe that she had truly been unconscious for so long. "And of what of you?" she asked, shooting him a speculative look.

"I'm fine," he said with a shrug.

Alyx narrowed her eyes at him. Before he could stop her she reached out and lightly poked at his side.

"Uh-huh," she said dryly as he reflexively pulled back and winced.

"It's still a little tender but it's fine, really."

"Nate—I'm sorry you had to go through that. Had I known—"

"You believed Flemeth to be dead. How could you have known?" he said as he shot her a reproving look. "You need to stop blaming yourself for everything out of your control. We survived. That is what matters most."

Alyx blanched at his words, taken aback by how similar they were to Alistair's. For a second she wondered if Alistair was watching her somewhere on the other side. She could almost imagine him saying 'Seeeee, I told you so!' and smiling his annoyingly smug smile as he did so. Just so you know, I'm not laughing, she thought as she shot a scathing look up at the ceiling.

"Can I ask you something?" Nate asked quietly, drawing her attention back to him.

"Of course," she replied as she eyed him curiously.

"What Flemeth said…was it true?"

"Surely you aren't jealous of Oghren? He might be strapping for a dwarf…barring the smell and the occasional drunken stupor..not to mention that bizarre rash he was telling me about, but he is a married man you know—"

"Alyx!" Nate growled in frustration. She had to stifle a chuckle, but immediately sobered as she took in his pained expression.

"Every word," she said softly as she met and held his gaze.

"Why did you not tell me? Why did you let me believe that…why?" he ground out.

Alyx turned her head and closed her eyes against the obvious pain in his expression. She had hurt him, and it killed her to see it.

"I thought it was best," she almost whispered.

"Best for whom precisely?"

"For you," she snapped, her eyes meeting his once again. "You deserve more, Nate. I…I'm not the woman I once was…the woman that I should be. I haven't been her since before the blight. Bits of myself have been scattered across Fereldan and I lost hope of picking up the pieces long ago. Don't you see? I'm not whole, and I doubt I shall ever be again."

"You're wrong," he replied, his steely eyes flashing down at her with an intensity that made her heart beat faster. "You are more than anything I could possibly deserve and far more than I could ever hope for. You are beautiful, Lex, from the inside out. There's no one in all of Thedas like you, and I wouldn't want you any other way. The woman you say you once were? I never knew her. She's not the woman that has bewitched me, body and soul."

"Bewitched is it?" Alyx murmured. "You speak as if I were a blood mage, controlling your very thoughts."

"A blood mage may be able to control the mind but I've yet to hear of one that can control the heart…and it is my heart, my Lady, that is engaged," he said, his gravely voice pitching down an impossible octave.

Oh, Maker! Alyx breathed to herself, thinking that if her heart beat any faster it might just fly out of her chest…and then he smiled, causing the dimple in his cheek to appear and her insides to melt into a pile of goo. Swallowing hard, Alyx wondered if he had any idea what his smiles did to her. He must have, or perhaps he had seen something in her expression for his smile widened as he chuckled and leaned closer to rub one calloused thumb across her bottom lip. Her breath hitched at the contact, her senses tingling with the longing she had desperately tried to hide from him since she discovered her feelings for him.

Nate slowly lowered his head, giving her ample time to pull away if she wished to, but stopping him was the last thing on her mind. No. She would not refuse him, not now or ever again. If she wanted to she could easily close the distance between them but she waited, wanting to give him the choice. He tilted her chin up with a touch of his fingers, his stormy gaze searching hers for the answer to his silent question. Alyx reached up and lightly brushed her knuckles across his jaw, hoping her eyes conveyed her need. It was all the answer that he needed.

Nate's lips were warm and gentle as they tentatively brushed across hers. For a second their breaths mingled and then his tongue dipped into her mouth in one long, languid stroke that sent all of the air rushing out of her lungs in a woosh. It was all she could do not to whimper as their lips and tongues tangled in a slow, seductive cadence that was simultaneously searing and tender at the same time. She wondered how he could bear to take things so leisurely when she herself felt as if she might burst into a thousand tiny pieces at any moment. Restless hands reached out of their own accord to tangle within his hair and she was pleasantly surprised to find the raven locks to be just as silky smooth to the touch as she always dreamed it would be. He groaned into her mouth as her fingers tightened their grasp, the singular sound intensifying her need beyond anything she had ever experienced before. This, this should have been their first kiss. With their mutual affection finally laid bare between them; with their bodies, hearts and minds in accord. She could go on kissing him like this forever…and she very well might have if it hadn't been for the sound of a clearing throat from across the room.

Both of them snapped their heads around to gape in surprise at the small group gathered just inside the open doorway. Zevran had his arms crossed in front of his chest, a smug smile written across his face as he leisurely leaned against the door jam. Sigrun stood next to him, one hand raised to her mouth in the attempt to hide her mirth (though Alyx could clearly see it dancing in her eyes). Beside her stood Oghren and even Justice and Velanna, who both kept a careful distance from the others. Alyx was touched that they would all come to visit her, though she was a little crestfallen when she realized that Anders was not amongst them, but she understood. She could imagine that she wasn't exactly his favorite person right now.

"Stickin' it to the boss. Good on ye' son," Oghren growled, his eyebrows wagging suggestively at them. Alyx groaned as she desperately tried to hide the blush that spread across her face. Nate, however, didn't look embarrassed at all. He even flashed them a wolfish grin that was so unlike his typical response that she had to keep herself from gaping at him outright.

"Pay up, Oghren," Sigrun chirped as she elbowed him in the ribs. Oghren expression fell as he rubbed at his ribs in irritation, grumbling obscenities under his breath as he reached into his pocket with his other hand and pulled out a small pouch of coins that clinked as he placed it in Sigrun's outstretched hand. Alyx arched an eyebrow at her in question, but Sigrun simply shrugged and smiled sweetly in reply.

Alyx turned back to Nate when she felt his hand on hers. His eyes sparkled down at her with such warmth that she swore her heart skipped a beat. "Later," he whispered in her ear, his husky voice sending a shiver of anticipation coursing down her spine. He placed a lingering kiss on her brow before he stood to make room for the others at her bedside, but he didn't go far, only retreating as far as the chair he had been sleeping in when she first awoke.

Alyx smiled and nodded as her friends crowded around the bed, each trying to outdo the other with anecdotes of the last couple of weeks. All the while she could feel Nate's eyes on her as he silently observed them from the hearth. She couldn't help but glance at him from time to time, letting the warmth of his gaze wash over her all over again and filling her with a giddiness she hadn't felt since she was a child. For the first time since she became a warden she allowed herself to feel happy without the sensation of guilt and duty hanging over her like an oppressive cloud. For the first time in longer than she could recall, she felt at peace.

*Muse Tunes: "Awakening" by Rachel Portman (The Duchess OST); "The Secret Wedding" by James Horner (Braveheart OST): "Trying to Relate" by George Fenton (Ever After OST); "Jenny's Grave" by Alan Silvestri (Forrest Gump OST); "Whisper of a Thrill" by Thomas Newman (Meet Joe Black OST); "Ship to Shore" by David Arnold (Dawn Treader OST)