leggo lover 99: Aw, that makes me feel so happy, thank you. =) =) =)
DISCLAIMER: I only own the idea & my OC's, not Ultimate Spider-Man (unfortunately).
Chapter 19: Regrets and Mistakes
"Healing is embracing with love and mercy
That which has been pushed away."
-Stevin Levine.
I can't sleep again. Each time I close my eyes, the images return. They're not my memories; I don't know whose they are. Someone touches me, and I slap my hand at the energy buzzing everywhere around me. Go away. I don't want to talk to you.
She wants to tell me something, but I don't want to listen. I can't stop her, though.
My name was Amy. I had a boyfriend, and I loved him. I wasn't that different from you. Look at me. LOOK AT ME!
An image of a girl around my age, with choppy black hair and a side swept bang rushes through my mind. She likes pop music, I can tell immediately, and her boyfriend rode a motorcycle. She died two years ago, when somebody murdered her. A man in a black hoodie, smoking a cigar, leaning against a brick wall. Joseph Lakes. He did it thoughtlessly, for his own entertainment.
LOOK AT WHO I WAS!
A hand touches me again, and I slap it as hard as I can. This time, though, my hand meets another hand, not air. I open my eyes, and see the outline of Danny leaning over me. "Danny, I'm sorry!" I whisper to him.
"It is fine. What is wrong?" he asks quietly, unusually direct.
I shake my hands, trying to rid myself of the buzzing sensation. "I… I can't sleep."
Danny fumbles for my hand, then helps me stand up, leaning against his sturdy, warm body. "Why did you come here?" I wonder softly.
"I could not sleep either," he murmurs, pressing me closer to him. "Something is… wrong tonight." Danny stiffens, and his eyes widen.
"What? What's wrong?"
He squeezes my hand. "Try to sleep." I hear Danny stumbling, feeling the air in front of him as he tries finding his way. Sighing, I resign to at least try. It's either stay up with Amy or have more nightmares. Surprisingly, I fall asleep fairly quickly.
Danny sighs. "So I cannot come back this year?"
The monk shakes his head. "No. After this, things are too unstable. You know this, Daniel. One last year."
"Yes, Sensei. Namaste." Danny bows.
"Namaste, Daniel. Do not allow yourself to become polluted by the outside world."
Wait, what? I shake my head, trying to remember what I just saw, but the images refuse to come. The words, however, greet me readily, and I bury my face into the pillow, trying to stop them from coming, instead falling into another nightmare.
War. Blood. War. When will this end? The smell is sickeningly sweet. When Sage was alive, she fought. Now she had nothing to offer them. Dead. Like so many others. Even in death, the weight of the world rests upon her shoulders. This bloodshed was her fault, the losses a result of her mistakes, just like everything else that had gone wrong.
Another man dies. Another gunshot rings out. Why do the men still fight? It hurt in life, and it aches in death. Why even bother with these battles any longer? The rebels will lose, like they have every time in history. Even if they won the war, they would have lost everything important to them. War does that to people.
It is strange for Sage, looking back on these memories. They all bring pain, but they all were pain, so what can she expect? Wounds to heal? No, these wounds will not heal, not even into scars. They would bleed for all of eternity.
I wake in cold sweat, the stench of blood making me nauseous. Looking over to Ava's bed, I can see that she has already left. I'm alone.
Why do I still have to have these dreams? Why can't these people just move on without me? I can't have a moment of rest anymore. They come to me now, whether I am awake or asleep. Why don't I just give in?
That would be giving up. I can't give up. I want to live, have a life again. It's hard, though, for me to keep trying. It's so much easier to just give in, give up, and let any chances of living drift away.
I need help. This is too hard. I'm not a book to record others' lives within; I am a person, destined to live my own life. Weakly, I manage to shower and dress myself, and make it to the kitchen downstairs. Neither Danny nor I have been going to college. Nick says that we need time to recover. I know that if I can barely function around the house, then there's no way I would be able to maneuver through college.
Danny is the only person in the kitchen, sitting at the table and staring at the wall. Everybody else is either at college or (in Mrs. Parker's case) jousting at a Medieval Knights Tournament. "Good morning," he says as I collapse into the chair across from him.
I smile at him, then realize that (of course) he can't see my smile. "Morning, Danny." I look at him more closely. "What's the matter?"
He shakes his head at me. "Nothing is amiss. What are you going to do today?"
I shrug, but catch myself, and hastily reply, "I don't know."
"Would you like to do Kundalini Yoga together?" Danny offers.
The grin spreads across my face before I can stop it. This is one thing that time hasn't spoiled. "Yeah!"
Danny laughs. "You sound excited."
"Yeah… I just want things to be the way they were before, you know? I can't do anything, I feel so useless and weak right now…"
"Time will heal your wounds," he reminds me gently.
I nod. "I know, but... it's just... I never finished telling you guys what I had to say."
"Nor did I."
"Huh?"
"Go on."
I blink, confused. "Danny... I only told you that- that I'm dying. Everybody's dead or dying, you know, but I mean 'dying' as in, 'the end is near' kind of way." I take a deep breath in; this is a sore point for me, and I try not thinking about it. "You... you can't tell anybody, but I already know the... nature of my mutation. "
Danny just gazes at the wall, unseeing, and my heart throbs. "The truth hurts, but it is preferable to living a lie. There is an old tale. Life asked death, 'Why do people love me, but hate you?' Death responded, 'Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth.' The words do ring true, don't they?" he says softly.
Tears well up in my eyes, and I am thankful for the first time that Danny cannot see me. "Danny... you don't understand. I was born to destroy."
"Many are."
"No, Danny," I whisper, horrified at what I have to say next. "I was born to destroy everything."
Danny sighs. "It is worst when we suspect something and then have it confirmed as truth, is it not?"
"You knew?"
"No, but Emma, there were... hints." His words sting, and I hate their bitter truth.
"I have to die, you know." There is a quiver in my tone, and I hate myself for allowing my words to falter for even a moment.
"Says who?" he replies defiantly, and a lonely tear trickles down my cheek, unnoticed by Danny.
"Says... everyone. Nick knows it deep down, but... I haven't told him yet. Professor Xavier says. Magneto says. I know." I do know, with my whole heart.
Danny is in a state I have never seen him in before. "So you just accept this as your fate?"
"We're all going to die, Danny. Immortality is the biggest lie of all, besides money." Ironically, I am the one who is saying that this is for the best, and Danny is telling me that it isn't.
"When?" His voice breaks.
"I don't know, Danny. I don't know. Eventually. I've been trying to just live. I can't control it at all anymore."
"This is why you are not healing," Danny accuses me.
"I'm scared," I admit, and the tears start falling. "I'm scared of the end."
Suddenly, I'm in his arms, Danny's anger ebbing away as I sob. "Do not cry," he whispers to me.
"I'm going to die. I have to die. I want to live! It's not fair... not fair at all..." I choke.
Danny strokes my head, and the memory of that terrifying night when I thought he would die, and I somehow ended up like this. "You can still make choices. You still have life; It's not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years, Abraham Lincoln said. Emma, you do not have to let go now. Just... wait a little longer. You can choice your end."
I lift my tear stained face up to greet the world again, then slowly say, "What did you need to tell me before?"
He heaves a great sigh. "K'un L'un. I have exactly one year before I must return to take the throne. I should have left in two days, but... certain events occurred, and the monks think it best to wait."
"What's K'un L'un like?" I whisper into his shirt, closing my eyes so I can create a mental picture of the place.
"Peaceful, beautiful, grand. It is the most glorious place I have ever known upon Earth."
"Can- can I die there? With you?"
Danny lifts my chin up so I can see his face. "Emma, if that is what you would like, you could sleep peacefully there."
"Thank you," I say quietly. "Danny... I don't know how long I can last. I just want a magical cure, or something, you know? Something wonderful to happen, but... I know it won't, deep down. I'm so selfish, how can I even feel this way? I'm weighing my puny life against the whole existence? Why, why couldn't I just be normal?"
"Calm down. It is all right. This is your life now. You must live it. We will help, Emma. Now, how does ice cream sound? My treat."
I give him a watery grin. "Why not? I've only got so much more time to eat ice cream with you, right?"
Danny grins back, then kisses me softly. "I will carry you, and you tell me where to go now."
By the time we arrive at the small ice cream shop, we're both laughing harder than we have in months, and people stop and stare at us. I sit atop of Danny's shoulders, telling him where to go, when there's a curb- that sort of thing. The ice cream is good, but Danny's lips taste better.
That afternoon, Danny and I walk all over Central Park, calling to the birds, and wander throughout the enormous city, just enjoying ourselves. I'm exhausted when we arrive back at Peter's house, and everyone already ate dinner without us. It's slightly awkward, because nobody knows where we have been. Peter cracks some puns about us, but his aunt quickly shushes him and offers us leftovers (which we politely refuse).
Upstairs, we go through some of the gentler Kundalini movements before meditating. I feel happy and peaceful, like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
When I wake the next morning, I realize I still have to tell everybody else. I'm unusually quiet at breakfast, and I know that Danny notices. He pulls me aside in the hallway as our friends rush off to college, and offers to explain for me. I graciously accept.
Nick, though, still needs a real explanation. For lack of a better idea, I type him an email explaining everything, and send it before I can give it a second thought.
Danny must have told them while I was upstairs reading, because that evening, Ava, Luke, Peter, and Sam are all abnormally quiet and polite to me, as if I were a delicate china piece that might shatter at any moment. I know my happy mood surprises them, but I want to live the next year to its fullest.
Over the next month, I help Danny with finding his way around (without feeling his way through a room, that is), and he helps me become stronger. He makes me let go and allow the energy to flow around me, and the way he teaches it, I nearly enjoy it. We both decide not to go to college even as cover. It's not worth it; Danny won't leave K'un L'un ever again, and I will be dead, so there are better things we have to fill our time with.
Eventually Nick notices what we've been doing. He decides we can try some of the easier missions, and I love the thrill they bring. Danny and I walk begin venturing to Central Park nearly every day for the yoga sessions, and I find us kissing- a lot.
Typically, things have to go wrong at some point. Nothing's forever, after all, so I can't help feeling I should have expected this when early one spring morning, when Danny and I are home alone, I hear somebody knocking at the door. I open it to see who it is, and hate myself immediately when I see the girl standing on the porch, who throws her arms around me in an enormous hug. Guilt gnaws at my heart, as I stand there uncomfortably.
Finally, I say, "Hello, Abigail."
The ten year old leaps up and down. "Hey, Emmaline!"
"Why are you here?" I ask bluntly.
She scoots closer to me, then says in what is obviously supposed to be an undertone, "Mags wants me. He stinks, you know, like that old lady smell?" At the look on my face, she corrects herself. "Just kidding! Ya know, I thought you could help...?"
"It's been years," I say dully. "How do you know me?"
Abigail shrugs. "Newspapers. There's lots about you. And the explosions. Do you have anger issues or something?"
"Abigail, I don't believe you. You're lying." I know that I am the one lying; I can see it in the young girl's innocent green eyes. Her hair is a mousy brown, just reaching her shoulders in beautiful waves. At my words, her eyes turn a dark, stormy blue, and her hair floats around her head.
"I'm not lying! I'm a mutant, and he WANTS me!"
I shake my head. "I don't know you anymore."
"You never stuck around to know me!"
"Exactly. I don't know you."
"Then get to know me!" she begs. "Please! I can be your little sissy, Abby. Puh-lease?"
"Go look in the phone book. Call Charles Xavier. He can help you. I can't." I turn away, about to close the door, but Abby has a few final words.
"You brat!"
I carefully snap the door shut, startled by the sudden turn of events. Abby had found me by looking through newspapers? It didn't matter, though. Abby was a stranger that I hated for simply sharing the same parents. I could feel the energy coming from her; she had mingled with her parents recently, and now I am forced to accept that they are alive.
And they're mutants that hate me more than I detest them.