Chapter 43 – Growing Pains

After her confrontation with Anders, Alyx unceremoniously put her foot down. No matter her weakness she knew the time for convalescence had passed. That she had found the strength to wander the halls of the Vigil alone and unaided just to find the stubborn mage was proof enough in her mind that she was ready to instigate a more invasive method of rehabilitation. Whether or not the others agreed with her was entirely another matter, but under the circumstances they had little choice but to acquiesce to her wishes.

Reports of darkspawn activity had suddenly and quite drastically fallen off since their return to the Vigil, a fact that had not gone unnoticed. To the common folk it was a welcome reprieve; to the Wardens it was more than a little disquieting. Something was brewing, something big. If there was to be any hope of survival they would need their Commander in fighting form, the sooner the better for everyone concerned. Perhaps that was why no one argued…much….when she refused to be confined to her rooms for another day.

Even so, Alyx knew better than to push herself too far too fast, having been through the recovery process many times before. She started off small, simply by resuming her meals in the dining hall with the others rather than having them delivered to her. She continued her afternoon strolls, but quickly expanded them beyond the four walls of her chambers to include the rest of the Keep. Her companions would take turns walking with her for an hour or two every day, and soon she was able to reach any part of the Vigil's grounds without their assistance. Before long her walks turned into light training sessions, which in turn transformed into full out sparring matches as her strength and stamina returned to her. It was grueling work and utterly exhausting, but she couldn't help but feel a certain amount of pride as little by little, she improved. Indeed, she saw every day as a fresh challenge, met with its own set of trials and tribulations, and every night when she fell into bed it was with a spark of anticipation for the new day to come. This, she knew, was in no small part due to the overwhelming support of her friends, who took it upon themselves to ensure her full and swift recovery, no matter the cost to their own health or personal concerns.

One week passed and then another. Before she knew it the day of Elaina's wedding was upon them.

Alyx smoothed out the lines in the material of her dress as she stared at her reflection in the gilded, full-length mirror in her bedroom, cocking her head first to one side then the other in silent determination. It had been weeks since her narrow brush with death and though she could not refute the vast improvement of her condition, she hardly recognized the woman in the crystalline glass. Cautious fingers slid across the cool, smooth surface of the mirror, fingertip to fingertip with her likeness as she studied the changes wrought within the familiar plains of her face. She had yet to regain the weight she had lost over the course of her illness, the proof which lay within the gauntness of her cheeks and the tell-tale looseness of her clothing. It left her looking decidedly pale and delicate, like the noblewomen she always despised and her mother had vainly hoped she would one day emulate. Yet despite this distasteful guise of fragility she found there to be a curious gleam in her eyes and a subtle yet undeniable glow to her skin she knew had nothing to do with her returning health. No, it wasn't the mere physical aspect that left her feeling like she was looking at a stranger. It was something greater; something that went further than skin deep. She found neither the spoiled girl nor the hardened Warden-Commander in the depths of the cerulean gaze that stared back at her from out of the looking glass. Once again she was changed. She smiled to herself; a small, enigmatic smile as her thoughts flitted to the cause of this most recent transformation and her heart reflexively fluttered in response.

Nathaniel, it whispered fervently.

He had proven himself to be far more than her saving grace. He had become her rock, her comfort and the primary source of her happiness over the difficult weeks following Flemeth's attack. Without him she very well might have given up to despair; without him she might have ceased to exist. Perhaps he sensed this, for he was never very far from her side. Alyx smiled again, thinking how ironic life could be. There was a time she might have been distracted, even irritated by such a show of attachment but now…now she could not help but feel comforted by his steady, stalwart company. In truth, the times she relished the most were the rare moments when they were alone together.

In the presence of others Nate was the cool, composed gentleman she had come to expect. Furthermore, he was nothing if not unfailingly proper, a fact she chalked up to breeding but left their companions noticeably perplexed. Indeed, there wasn't a day that passed that Sigrun or Oghren didn't shoot her a questioning look, or that Zevran didn't ask her if they'd 'done it yet' (to her everlasting chagrin). If Nate noticed their behavior he never commented on it. Instead he continued to act as he was wont to, but when the others were absent his reserve would fall away to reveal the truth behind the stony mask they had long become accustomed to.

Alyx learned more about him in those quiet moments than she had over the course of their entire acquaintance. Every day brought forth some new, intriguing facet of his personality, and she couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever truly known him in the first place. He was just so…different when they were alone; almost as if he was another person entirely. She never knew that he could be so light-hearted, even playful if the mood struck him. He also had a surprising sense of humor and an easy charm which, when used effectively, would put even poor Teagan to shame. Then, of course, there were the elements of his character that she had known about but failed to see at their full scope…

For instance, she had not been surprised by his extensive knowledge of Fereldan history and of the laws he would have been expected to uphold as the heir to his Father's lands…but it had never occurred to her he might be well versed in foreign customs and culture as well. Not only that, but she learned that he was fluent in several languages, including Orlesian and Antivan.

That he was her intellectual equal was hardly surprising. Indeed, she had ever considered him to be a clever man….but she was astounded by his ability to recall information and events with perfect clarity, even if they had occurred months or even years beforehand.

It was astonishing, just how much of his personality Nate had managed to keep hidden from the rest of them, though whether it was intentional or purely out of habit was still unclear. For all Alyx knew it was just another characteristic yet to be deciphered. Still, she could hardly blame him for keeping to himself. Privacy was a rare commodity in their position, especially to a man who had every reason to be distrusting of others. That she alone had been allowed to see the more personal side of this deeply intelligent and passionate man made her feel absurdly privileged; like she was privy to some deeply- guarded secret. It pleased her more than she could say.

The more she learned of him the more Alyx fell in love with him. She desperately wanted to tell him so but worried that it was still too early in their relationship for such a significant admission. Once the words were said there would be no taking them back, and she wasn't willing to tempt fate just yet. Everything was still too new, too fresh. There was no sense in rushing things between them. Although… she could not deny that it was becoming harder and harder not to, especially at the end of the evening when Nate would walk her to her chambers.

Every night was the same. They would walk together in comfortable silence, his hand sliding into hers only after they entered the private sector where the Wardens alone resided. Once they reached her door he would lean in to whisper his farewells and then gently kiss her goodnight. Each kiss was more searing than the last, leaving her breathless and desperate for more. She knew that it affected him just as deeply and yet every night without fail he would leave her alone and aching for him.

She wasn't stupid. She knew why he denied her need as well as his own, but that hadn't stopped her from foolishly feeling rejected (not to mention frustrated) every time he walked away from her. It was maddening, this incredible need for him, and as much as she knew that it was for her sake that he absconded, her patience was swiftly wearing thin.

"Enter," Alyx called absentmindedly at the soft knock at her bedroom door and smiled as the very reason for her distraction appeared in the doorway.

Nate was fidgeting with the collar of his new doublet as he stepped inside Alyx's room but immediately froze when he saw her gazing at him in the reflection of the mirror, her eyes dancing with silent mirth. His eyes roamed over the graceful lines of her petite form and his throat instantly went dry. He had seen her in everything from a torn, blood-stained shift to a simple yet tasteful gown, but he had never seen her look quite as beautiful as she did now. She wore a rich burgundy kyrtle intricately embroidered around the hemline and bodice in a stitching that matched the deep plum of the gossamer surcote draped over the heavier fabric. This was secured by a modest gold brooch clasped just beneath her breasts, allowing the gauzy material to fall away and expose the material beneath. The vibrant colors of the gown complimented her pale skin and dark hair to perfection. In that instant she looked so much like her mother that Nate was filled with a sudden, poignant sense of nostalgia…and yet he never remembered having such trouble breathing around Eleanor Cousland as he seemed to have when in the presence of her daughter.

"Well now! Don't we clean up well," Alyx called, her eyes shining with appreciation as she took in his polished boots, dark breeches and forest green doublet.

"Anything to please my Lady," he replied with a smirk as he pressed a kiss to the slender curve where her shoulder and collarbone met. He relished the shiver that coursed through her body at his touch and had to stifle a purely masculine chuckle at the delightful color that infused her cheeks.

"Then you will be glad to know you've succeeded," she murmured as she looked back at him over her shoulder and winked.

This time he could not help the laugh that escaped his lips.

"So now…tell me Ser Howe, am I presentable?" she asked as she spun in a circle for his perusal.

"Hmm," he hummed as he rubbed his chin in mock-consideration. "You'll do, but—" he continued, raising his hand when she opened her mouth to argue. "I can't help but feel as if something were missing."

"Missing?" she repeated, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"Mmm, yes. Something no Lady should be without on such an occasion," he murmured into her ear as he gently turned her back to face the mirror.

Alyx gasped as she felt the cool metal of a chain slide across her skin to settle around her neck. As if of their own volition her fingers reached up to briefly clutch the necklace against her chest as he secured the clasp at her nape. When her hand finally fell away Nate could see the precious gemstones in the gold filigree settings wink lustrously in the soft candlelight. It was hardly the most ostentatious piece, consisting of only three oval-shaped settings strung between a double-strand of braided gold. However each setting showcased a brilliant-cut ruby roughly the size of his thumb.

"Oh Nate, it's beautiful!" Alyx breathed.

"You have improved it," he replied nonchalantly as his hands moved lightly across her shoulders to settle warmly around her forearms.

"But how did you-?"

"It was my mother's, actually. Varel rescued it from the family vault before it could be picked over. He thought it only appropriate that it be returned to me."

"Your mother's? Oh Nate, I couldn't possibly—"

"I want you to have it…as would she, given the circumstances," he replied softly.

If only you knew why, he silently added, his chest burning with a cherished, unspoken desire.

It was ironic, really, that of all of the jewelry in his mother's collection it would be this one in particular that would be restored to him, for she had given it to him in trust many years ago…as a bride-gift for his future wife. Nate watched as Alyx fingered the necklace in consideration and held his breath. No one save for Delilah would know of the significance behind his gift, but were Alyx to accept it…in his eyes it would mark her as his as surely as if his name were branded across her skin. If only she knew what it meant to him…but he couldn't possibly tell her. Not yet at least.

"Thank you," Alyx whispered eventually, her eyes ablaze with some profound emotion when she turned to squarely meet his gaze. His heart nearly burst with joy at those two little words, though he could not say why. It was not a profession of love…but it was an acceptance, which was certainly a step in the right direction.

Mine, a tiny voice in his head growled as he absentmindedly traced the outline of the necklace with a callused finger, his silverite eyes darkening intently. Alyx stilled his wandering hand with her own, pressing a light kiss into his palm before bringing it up to the curve of her face. He felt the familiar tug of longing well up inside of him as he caressed her cheek and could not help the groan that escaped him when she stood on tip-toe to press her lips to his.

Nate pulled her into his arms and deepened the kiss, thrilling at the feel of her supple lips and the soft curve of her body as it melted against his. No matter how many times he kissed her it was always the same. The moment their lips met everything else around them faded until nothing and no one existed but them. He could drown in her sweetness and never resurface.

By the time they parted they were both gasping for breath, their hearts racing in heady tandem. Nate leaned his forehead against hers as he struggled to contain the desire now raging through his entire body, but it didn't help when he glanced down to see an equal measure of hunger reflected in her expressive eyes. He gasped at the sight of it and took a reluctant step back, knowing full well that if they stayed that way for even a second longer he would have her stripped and naked on the bed in record time.

Immediate disappointment flashed across Alyx's face at his withdrawal and it killed him to see it, just as it had every night over the past few weeks when he would leave her at the end of the night. Nate sighed and threw her an apologetic smile. He knew that she was just as frustrated as he; her impatience as clear in her expression as the bewilderment at his actions, but how was he to tell her the reasons behind them?

Turning from her night after night was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. He knew Alyx was a strong woman both in body and mind, but she was still healing from her confrontation with Flemeth, despite her insistent arguments to the contrary. He could not bring himself to cause her pain just to feed his own selfish needs. She deserved more than that, and so he vowed to himself that he would not lay with her until she was fully recovered. He simply could not trust himself to retain enough control in the heat of passion to be able to stop if he was hurting her. No, when he had her for the first time, there could be nothing between them but their need for each other. When they finally came together, there would be no fear, no restraint, and there would be absolutely no holding back.

Truthfully, he didn't know how much longer he was going to last. Maker knows he was a patient man, but there was only so much temptation he could take. He was only human after all. Glancing at his beloved once again he knew that it was only a matter of time before one or both of them snapped, and then there would be nothing on Thedas that could keep them from each other. It would be in that moment that he knew that their hard-won patience would not go unrewarded.

"Shall we join the others?" Nate asked eventually, once he regained his equilibrium. "They're likely beginning to wonder where we are."

"Surely they can wait a little longer," she replied seductively, a wicked grin curving her lips as she slid back into the circle of his arms to place small, feather-light kisses across the length of his jaw before gently nipping at his earlobe. Pure, unadulterated lust shot to his groin, almost as if there were a string running from his ear straight to his nethers. Nate let out a frustrated growl as he abruptly stopped her teasing ministrations. He would have laughed outright at the pout on her face if he wasn't so damned aroused.

"Temptress," he murmured as he took her mouth again in a bruising kiss.

"Hey Falcon! Get that first-class rear of yers in gear! The children are getting' antsy!" Oghren's familiar voice barreled through the door a moment before his ruddy face appeared in the entrance. Unsurprisingly, the dwarf looked as if he had already dipped into the ale reserves. "Not interrupting anything, am I? Hehe," he continued as he leered at them. "Because if I am I can always leave or…ye know, stay an watch—er, just to make sure no one walks in on ye' while yer tamin' Howe's one-eyed griffon, that is."

"You are truly repulsive, do you know that?" Nate muttered.

"Aye," Oghren said on a hiccup, making a motion with his hand like he was toasting them with an invisible mug. "All in a day's work."

"Right," Nate replied as he crossed his arms and glared at the dwarf.

"We'll be right down Oghren," Alyx sighed as she ushered the dwarf back through the door before turning back to face him. "I suppose we really should join the others. Are you ready?" she asked him.

Nate nodded and gallantly offered her his arm. Alyx hesitated for only a second, but it was long enough for him to notice the pause.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, his brows drawing together in confusion.

"Of course," she hedged as she took a deep breath and smiled at him. "I suppose it's just nerves."

"Nerves? What on Thedas could you possibly be nervous about? It's not like you're the one getting married today," Nate teased.

"It might not be my wedding but I did happen to have a hand in planning the festivities and I…well…" Alyx began, her voice dropping as she anxiously began to wring her hands. "This is our first public appearance, Nate…as a couple I mean. The truth is...whether we're forthcoming about our relationship or not, our arrival together will not go unnoticed, regardless of how we act. I confess,I am unsure of what kind of reception we shall receive."

And there it is, he thought bitterly to himself. He should have guessed. Alyx's position as Arlessa was tentative at best, despite her national renown. Simply put, being seen with a Howe was bad for business.

"Right," he snapped as his spine straightened in anger. "If you'd rather I arrive separately—or perhaps not at all if you prefer…"

"What? Of course not!" she retorted in surprise, and then sudden realization spread across her face. "You think I'm embarrassed to be seen with you, don't you?" she accused. "Oh Nate, that's not it at all! My only concern was for you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you, you big lout!" she yelled in a brief fit of temper before her entire demeanor softened and she placed a calming hand on his arm. When she spoke again it was in a soft, soothing tone. "Let's not argue. Today is meant to be a day of celebration. We can talk about our differences later."

Nate nodded slowly in agreement and mustered up a smile for her benefit. When she beamed at him, his expression softened into a more genuine smile and once again he relaxed. Alyx was right. Today was a day of celebration and he meant to spend every moment of it enjoying the company of the woman he loved, the Maker damn anyone who stood in his way.

"Shall we?" he asked, offering his arm, and this time she took it without hesitation.

*Author's Note: Instead of making excuses for the tardiness of this latest chapter I thought instead I would give some shout-outs to a few of my fellow authors with some amazing Lady Cousland fanfic. Cellotlix has a beautiful series of Nate/Cousland stories that are well worth the read if you are a Nate fan like I am. I highly recommend at least reading "The Promise" and "The Long Road" (which is still in progress) in that order. I also must give a call out to two ladies who have supported both me and this story from the very beginning, and who are fabulous authors in their own right. Ladyamesindy has a fantastic Nate/Cousland story in progress called "Ever Constant", but she also has a whole fabulous list of DA stories that you should definitely check out when you have the chance! And Erynnar is the author of a brilliant story entitled "Soulmates" featuring the entire original DA:O cast. It is still in progress, as is its equally entertaining prequel, but if you have not had the opportunity to read it, please do! And to the both of you, thank you! Your support means a great deal to me, as well as the support of all of you other readers out there. And please, if any of you have a story you think I might like or you would like to see more callouts in the future, just drop me a message. I might just continue the trend anyway. Now, without further ado…this chapter was supposed to be longer but I've already made you guys wait far too long (my apologies by the way!), and I liked the feel of the break here, so meh (shrugs), c'est la vie! Pleeeease R&R! It makes me want to dance around the house in my underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business…or maybe we'll skip that and go straight to the part where I'm so giddy with joy that I immediately start working on the next chapter! ~Prose