"Fucking hell, Brendan." Walker clutches his ribs, gets to his feet slowly and leans against the wall, still half bent over. "It's not like you've never been with more than one person at a time before."
Ste wants to shut his ears against the man's words. He wonders what's next to be revealed, can't possibly imagine that there's more, but fears that there is.
He's not entirely sure that anything could change the way he feels now, and he thinks it should. He knows that Brendan's a murderer, that he's slept with Walker, that he's been with countless men before him.
He knows that Brendan has no faith in him, that all it took was a few words and his trust in Ste effortlessly crumbled.
It scares him to think that there might be nothing on this earth that could get him to give up. That despite all of this, he still wants something he can't have.
He scares himself.
"Get out, Simon", Brendan says, voice low.
Walker hobbles past them, and Ste still has the sense that he thinks he's won somehow, that a part of him is actually pleased by everything that's happened here.
A few bruised ribs and a bloodied nose won't stop him from reveling in the chaos.
Ste can feel Brendan's eyes on Walker the whole time, looks like he's watching every single movement that the man makes, especially as he steps closer to Ste. He can feel Brendan poised, knows that he's waiting for the smallest gesture - Walker's hand against Ste's cheek, a smile in his direction - and he'll pounce.
Ste's grateful for all of them when Walker casts his eyes adrift, gives Brendan one last parting look before he moves from inside the cell.
Brendan turns his eyes on Ste immediately, exhales and opens his mouth, his eyes soft. He looks like he's about to plead for forgiveness, offer some kind of explanation that can excuse this.
Ste craves a magic solution, some kind of punch line that'll reveal that the whole thing was a joke to begin with.
He hears Brendan say fuck under his breath, roll his eyes to the ceiling, and Ste looks over his shoulder to try and find the source of his irritation.
Doug's hand is on the door, and he's staring into the room worriedly, his brow creased.
"I think that's enough time alone, don't you?"
Ste admires him for his bravery, for even attempting to stand up to Brendan on his behalf, even if it's misguided. He can look after himself.
"Not even close," Brendan says, and Ste feels he's dangerously near to adding to his hit count, his hand looking ready to do more damage, practically shaking with it.
"That's Ste's decision, not yours."
Ste feels a swell of affection for him, needs to step in before Doug gets hurt.
"It's alright, really. Why don't we go to your cell?" Ste asks, turning to Brendan.
"No," he says loudly, then clears his throat, avoids Ste's eyes.
Ste can see how he didn't manage to fool a jury into believing his innocent verdict, can tell that something's going on, more secrets that are being hidden from him.
"No, lets finish this here."
Finish. The word makes Ste's blood run cold, thinks that Brendan's already planned this all out in his head, and this is the end. The real end, not the limbo state they've been living in these past few weeks. That Brendan won't just be ignoring him anymore, but that he'll be done with him completely.
Ste wants Doug to stay, would take the awkwardness of him sitting on the bed listening to them argue, thinks that maybe Brendan would refrain from saying I don't want you anymore if there's another witness present.
He laughs at himself internally, knows that Brendan would have no such qualms. He doesn't care what people think, would break his heart no matter how many people were around to watch.
Ste stares at Doug, doesn't know what he wants to say. Stay or leave.
Doug sighs, looks at him like Ste's already told him the answer. Ste's sure he can hear him uncharacteristically swear under his breath before he releases his hand from around the door.
They're alone again.
Ste wants to stop the world from feeling like it's spinning on its axis. He knows he was an idiot for drinking the moonshine, that he must seem like some reckless kid who can't even hold his booze. He hasn't drunk that much in a long time, the fear of coming home to the kids and Amy rotten drunk preventing him from getting more than lightly tipsy.
He feels the effects now, and wants to sit on the bed to steady himself. It feels too personal though, too intimate somehow with Brendan being the only other person in the room. Their past encounters are fogging up Ste's brain, images flickering past like a scrapbook of photographs.
It seems like a long time ago, and he tries to fight the feeling of loss that it gives him.
He doesn't want to be the first to break the silence, knows he's being stubborn but Brendan's the one whose fucked up here.
"You're going to faint in a moment," Brendan warns, and his voice cuts acutely through the quiet.
"No I'm not," Ste mutters, hates that he's close to being right.
"Just sit down, won't you? I've already seen you naked today Steven, I think we're passed being formal like this, don't you?"
Ste grumbles under his breath, reluctantly sits down on the bed and looks at his trainers, anywhere but at Brendan.
He's never going to live down the embarrassment of being caught with his pants off, Walker about to do that to him.
Ste doesn't like the power that Brendan has over him now, is standing above him and making Ste feel even smaller than he already does.
"Sit on the other bed then."
Brendan barks a laugh at his tone, acts like he's about to refuse but then sits down, facing him.
"First and last time on Douglas's bed," he murmurs, thinks he's funny.
"Really? Would have thought you'd tried your luck there too." He knows that bitterness is lacing his voice, knows it's not attractive but he's got nothing to lose now, nothing to attract.
He expects Brendan to laugh, but his face is cold when he meets his eyes.
"Walker's exaggerated the things I do. The way I am."
"So you never had a...threesome?" Ste struggles to say the word. Imagining Brendan with one other man is hard enough.
"Well -"
"And you never slept with him?"
"Steven -"
"And you didn't sleep with Carl, or Kevin, or whatever the fuck his name is?"
"No," Brendan says firmly, sounds like he's at least telling the truth about that, but then how the hell does he know for sure? "He was just a...distraction."
Ste wants to scream at him that he had no distraction, that he was left for weeks on his own to try and deal with the fact that Brendan didn't want him. That when he'd tried to fight for him and kiss him he'd ended up with bruises instead.
"I want to know the truth. About who you cheated on me with. And don't tell me again that it wasn't cheating, because you know we were together." He has to believe that at some point Brendan was committed to this just like he was.
Brendan stares down at his hands, fidgeting with them in his lap. Ste wishes that he wouldn't over think everything, that he'd just be honest.
"I didn't cheat on you."
Ste tries to hold back a groan, had thought that he was finally close to getting a real answer.
"No, listen to me." Brendan seems desperate for him to hear him now, is sitting at the edge of the bed and staring at Ste with imploring eyes. "I didn't cheat on you. I just told you that so...so you would let go."
Ste wants to murder him for his skewed logic.
"You're crazy."
"I know."
"You're..." he struggles to find the right words for exactly what Brendan is. "You're unbelievable. You tell me you're moving into a new cell, that you don't want to be with me anymore, and you still think you need to stick the knife in that little bit deeper?"
"I just wanted you to move on," Brendan says quietly.
"Well I didn't." He lets it all come out now, doesn't care if he sounds pathetic or needy or clingy. He's going to make sure that Brendan knows exactly how he made him suffer. "I didn't even want to wake up in the morning anymore. Everything just seemed pointless without you."
He's ashamed to say it, ashamed that the memory of Leah and Lucas couldn't even provide some comfort.
"Don't say that." Brendan's voice sounds torn with agony. "You should have taken care of yourself. Should have forgotten all about me."
Ste wipes his eyes, can feel tears sparkling there. He despises how soft he is.
"You know I couldn't."
"I break everything I care about, Steven."
"Will you stop saying things like that?" Ste raises his voice in frustration. "That's just an excuse, just so you won't ever have to try. I used to break everything I cared about Brendan, but I got help, didn't I? There are people who can help you."
Brendan snorts. "Counsellors...therapists..." He says it like they're a language that he doesn't understand.
"Well how are you meant to get better?" Ste's done with looking for magical solutions. He used to be exactly the same with Amy, had laughed at her insistence that he find some kind of support for the tumult in his head, how it resulted in his hands over her, designed to hurt and draw pain. He'd finally realised that this thing was beyond his control, that he couldn't just stop.
"I just won't do it again," Brendan says, sounds like a weak promise and even he knows it.
"Yeah? And what's going to stop you?"
"I thought you had told Walker about my dad, Steven. I was angry..."
Ste shakes his head in disgust, is used to these kind of words being spoken out loud, only they used to come from him.
You made me angry. It's your fault.
"What happens if I upset you again, eh?" He demands. "What happens if I say something you don't like? You used to hit Vincent, didn't you?"
"Yes," Brendan says, his voice only a whisper. Ste knows how much he hates talking about him, seems to carry some sort of guilt from the past wherever he goes. "That's different. You're different."
"But I'm not though, am I?" Ste knows that whatever Brendan feels for him, it's not enough to stop him. "You may not have hit me yet but what about next time?"
Brendan's face is contorted, looks like Ste's slowly torturing him and it's unrelenting.
"I can't trust you. I can't...I can't love you when you're like this."
He can't believe that after everything Brendan's done to him he's still saying the word love out loud. It feels like something he's been holding back for a long time, seemed at one point like Brendan was right there with him, was feeling it too. Like a beautiful fantasy which he had to wake up from.
Brendan's reaction had told him all he needed to know. Shut up, please, just...
He doesn't love him.
"I'll make it up to you," Brendan says, voice sounding rough and raw around the edges. "If you'll let me."
He shakes his head, rejecting his words. It's not that simple. Too much has happened.
"Simon was right. You gave up on me that easily. All it took was a lie from him and...you thought that I could do that to you." It stings to say the words, can't believe that Brendan thought he was ever capable of sharing something so deeply private with anyone.
He doesn't understand how Brendan can't realise that he's going to take that information to the grave.
"I don't..." Brendan struggles to get the words out, sounds like a chaotic jumble rolling off his tongue. "I don't trust people."
"Not even me?" He asks, can't stop the hurt from leeching into his voice.
"No one. I thought...I thought you two talked about it...laughed at me."
Ste shakes his head in disbelief. "Why would I ever be sick enough to laugh about something like that?"
Brendan shrugs his shoulders in defeat, looking down at the floor.
"You've got absolutely nothing to be ashamed of." He feels the need to say it, has the strongest sense that Brendan thinks he's done something wrong here, all because of what Seamus did to him.
"I've been ashamed my whole life," he says, voice muffled with emotion.
He's so vulnerable like this, so open for Ste to see all his fears, all his wounds. This is the real Brendan, not the one who shut himself off and pushed him away.
"This is why you need to talk about what happened."
He can see Brendan fighting to protest, knows what's happened in the past when he's suggested this very thing. He can tell that Brendan hates it, thinks he's trying to patronise him or force him to talk about something that brings him nothing but the sharpest stab of agony.
"I can't."
"Brendan," he says softly. He doesn't want to push this too far. He still cares about him, doesn't want Brendan to be in pain, but he knows that the only way to get rid of that pain is to face it, say fuck you until it's ripped to shreds. "How are you ever going to begin to deal with it if you don't? You can't just bury something like this."
He'd had a hard enough time forgetting being knocked about by Pauline and Terry, had stayed in his head for years before he could even begin to chip away at it.
What happened to Brendan isn't even something he can comprehend, can't imagine how he'd still be functioning if he had been through what he had, but he knows that this isn't going to disappear.
"I can't..." Brendan begins, and Ste thinks he's going to say I can't do this, I can't talk about it. "I can't lose you. I can't do this without you."
Ste moves off from the bed before he can stop himself, goes over to where Brendan is and tentatively sits down next to him. He's still not sure that this is safe. Not because of what Brendan could do to him - he's not scared that he could hit him, not right now - but he's scared of what he could do to Brendan.
He's close, far too close to kissing him again, to telling him something much too sentimental.
You're a good man. I won't ever give up on you.
If he kisses him then it'll merely be confirmation in Brendan's eyes that he can do what he wants, that he can treat Ste like he's nothing and he'll still come back for more.
He refuses to be that weak again.
But leaving Brendan on his own isn't an option, not when he's already had a lifetime of suffering that he carries everywhere.
"What do you want to happen?" He asks, needs to know how Brendan sees this going, if he's trying to claw his way straight back into his bed or if he realises the damage he's done here.
"I don't know," Brendan says, sounds so unlike the man that Ste first met who was in control of everything. "I just want to make it up to you."
"I'm not going to just fuck you again."
"Jesus, Steven!" Brendan lays a hand against his forehead, massages his temple. "I'm not talking about that."
"Isn't that all you think about?" He asks acidically.
"Didn't take you long either, did it? Would have moved on to Walker if I hadn't walked in when I did."
"Maybe I still will," Ste says, a fucking lie and they both know it. He can't touch Walker now, not after finding out what he did, the full extent of the twisted lengths he was willing to go to.
"Don't."
"I'm not yours." He's not sure he believes it. "I'm not some kind of property that you own. We can't just go back to the way things were."
"Please, just..." He turns to Ste on the bed, moves his hand closer to his across the mattress, and for one second Ste thinks he's going to reach out and hold it, doesn't know if he'd pull away from him if he did. "Come back."
"Where?"
"To the cell. We can...we can start again."
Ste shakes his head. "We can't just move back in together again."
"Why not?" He's never seen Brendan this frantic to convince him of something before. "I never should have moved out in the first place. Especially if I'd known you would be living with Douglas."
"What's your problem with him?" Ste asks, angry now because Doug's never shown him anything but kindness.
"He could make Lynsey lose her job Steven, get her in a lot of trouble."
"Don't pretend to care about obeying the law, alright?" Ste scoffs, is willing to bet that Brendan would have no such problem if Lynsey was a man and he was the one involved.
Brendan sighs, looks like he's purposefully trying to make an effort here for him. Ste's never not constantly aware of his temper, the way it threatens to erupt, knows that for Brendan it's something that he has to try and consciously control.
"I feel safe with him," Ste continues, and it falls heavily between them, the unsaid fact that sometimes with Brendan he doesn't.
"If...if that's what you want."
"It is," Ste says, avoids his gaze because he can't help the guilt that's building inside of him, irrational as it is.
He leans back on the wall, feels so tired that he could fall asleep against it. The hazy, almost peaceful state that had settled over him after drinking the moonshine has faded, and he's sobered up to face a reality that seems even more fucked up then the one before.
He knows he has to make a decision; to forgive or not forgive.
"Brendan?"
"Yeah?" He senses something in Ste's tone, sounds wary.
"You've got someone in your room, haven't you?" He waits for Brendan to lie to him, to insult his intelligence yet again by thinking he needs to be protected, doesn't understand that this protection only ends up hurting him the most.
"Yes," Brendan says, speaks it so quietly that it sounds like he's hoping that Ste doesn't hear.
Ste had expected it, knew it was coming, but it still leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.
"Kevin?" He guesses, hates the boy on principle now, could be the nicest guy in the world and his opinion still wouldn't change.
Brendan nods, face full of regret, but Ste wonders if it's just because he's been caught, isn't completely sure if Brendan is capable of sincerity.
What I want is to pick up a bloke that isn't you. Like I did today, like I'm going to do tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that until you get the message.
The memory of it rings in Ste's ears, has kept him awake at night. What Brendan had wanted. He'd said it with such belief that Ste had had no choice but to trust his words. He'd known from the start that it was incredibly unlikely that someone like Brendan could ever want someone like him. He'd always been someone's baggage, something they were stuck with. Someone's problem.
"Looks like we were both moving on tonight then," Ste says, can't stop the jealousy from leaking into his tone, the possessiveness shocking him. He'd been territorial in the past with Amy and her other boyfriends, but it had never felt like this.
"I swear, he's just a -"
Ste doesn't wait to hear exactly what Kevin is, jumps off the bed before leaning a hand against it when the room starts becoming unfocused again.
"Shit Steven, are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine," he insists, shrugging Brendan's arm off him.
Brendan immediately pulls away like he's been burnt. Everything feels so fragile, both of them remembering what happened the last time Brendan properly touched him. Ste can still see the aggression in Brendan's face, the way he'd pushed him away roughly, the lack of guilt when Ste had smashed into the bed, had let out a cry of pain.
He'd been left crying alone on the floor afterwards, had promised himself he'd never let Brendan lay a hand on him again. He needs to remember this. If he forgets then he's in danger of letting him back in, of ignoring everything that was wrong and twisted, his head clouding with how Brendan's the most desirable and wonderful person he's ever known, how Ste feels he's only just woken up to who he truly is since he met him.
An idea suddenly forms in his brain, is punishing and unbelievably stupid because of the amount of pain it could cause him, but he's never known how to take care of himself, how to make the right decision, laughs at the sheer notion of him even knowing what that would be.
"Lets go to your cell then." He's already heading towards the door, can't get it out of his head now that it's formed and blossomed.
"What?" Brendan looks at him like he's insane, may well be.
"You want to make it up to me? Lets go and you can tell Kevin to fuck off."
He's just opened himself up completely, let Brendan know exactly how insecure he is, how much the thought of what he and Kevin could have done together is tearing him apart.
He's played into Brendan's hands, thinks that the man must be satisfied by how much he wants him even now, but if he is then he doesn't let it show. Brendan stares at him in concern, looks like he's tempted to block the door and keep him in here forever, his willing prisoner.
"That's not a good idea."
"Why? Do you like him?" Ste goads, pleads internally for Brendan to not answer that question.
Brendan stares at him, eyes roaming from his face to the door, deliberating Ste's proposition. Ste's itching to get out of here, wants to see the competition waiting for him back in Brendan's cell.
He's dying for a fight and Brendan knows it, opens the door but puts a hand against it before Ste can move past it.
"Don't do anything stupid, Steven."
He wants to ask if it's his own safety or Kevin's that Brendan's worried about, but if he lets his feelings show anymore then it's going to be a fucking embarrassment, and Brendan will see that he wouldn't want to take back someone like him.
After Brendan seems to ascertain that Ste won't rip out Kevin's jugular, they step outside and are immediately ambushed by someone.
"Oh Jesus. Get a hobby won't you, Douglas?"
"Where are you going?"
Ste can see Doug's eyes all over him, checking that he's still in one piece, doesn't look entirely satisfied with whatever it is he sees.
"Back to my room. Is that allowed, or are you going to follow us the whole way there?"
Doug looks like he's seriously contemplating it.
"Ste, lets go somewhere and talk."
It's a tempting offer, and Ste aches to accept it, but his desire to see this Kevin close up is stronger.
"I won't be much longer, I promise."
Brendan gestures for him to follow, stops shortly to look back at Doug when he makes no move to stop trailing them. He offers him his best intimidating glance, would make a lesser man run a mile.
Ste lays a reassuring hand on his arm, can feel Brendan tensing beside him. The fact that he's so open to touching Doug and not him is starkly apparent, and Ste uses this power, massages Doug's arm longer than is strictly necessary.
"It's okay." He feels like he's saying it as much for his own benefit as he is for Doug's.
Before Doug leaves he gives Brendan an I'm watching you gesture, makes Ste feel as giddy as the moonshine did, has to stifle a laugh as he walks down the hallway, can hear Brendan muttering under his breath, fucking Douglas Carter, Yankee tootling and a'hollering, like fucking Bay of Pigs.
Ste asks before he can stop himself, nose crinkled in confusion. "What?"
"Bay of Pigs. Failed invasion by the Americans." Still no recognition. "I forget how young you are sometimes."
It's easy like this, so easy when they're talking, laughing. It's only when they reach Brendan and Ethan's cell that Ste's brought back to reality, remembers exactly what's behind that door, the whole purpose of why they're here.
The sound of their voices cease, and Brendan looks at Ste like he's willing him to change his mind, call off the whole thing.
He couldn't even if he wanted to.
Ste takes a deep breath, leans forward and looks into the screen window, expects to find Kevin spread out on Brendan's bed, naked like he's a feast to enjoy.
His eyes widen.
"Fucking hell."
"What?" Brendan says urgently, nudges Ste out the way and looks through into the room.
His mouth drops open, and both of them open the door at the same time, Ste's anger with Kevin replaced by the desire to save the kid.
The two bodies spring apart, where moments ago bare skin was rubbing together, lips crushing in a frantic rhythm, hands pulling at hair.
Walker grins at them sheepishly, Kevin desperately trying to cover himself up with the sheet.
"This is cosy," Brendan drawls, leaning against the doorframe.
Ste gawps at them open mouthed, wonders just how long he and Brendan were alone in the room together to make this happen.
Walker makes a lazy grab for the pillow, covers it over his groin like he's uncaring either way, stretches his long limbs in a yawning movement.
"You could at least knock, gentleman."
"Says the king of knocking." Brendan tuts, shakes his head like he's actually quite enjoying this, reveling in the humiliation, hasn't been the one who's not been on the receiving end for months, and it's payback time.
"What are you...when did this..." Ste stutters, can't help but be alarmed how Kevin looks breakable next to Walker, hopes he didn't look like that when he was with Brendan, the differences in their bodies vastly obvious.
Kevin colours, his chest flushing and heaving, looks like he's not entirely sure how he got into this situation to begin with, stares around the room like he's only just taking in his surroundings for the first time.
"I'm sorry." He directs it at Brendan, mumbles like he's afraid of taking up oxygen.
"You did me a favour kid, trust me."
"I saw the boy waiting for you all on his own, Brendan," Walker says with a grin stretching his lips. "Thought I'd help him out, properly introduce myself."
"I bet you did," Brendan says, laughs under his breath like he can't believe any of this is happening.
"Your Brendan's been a naughty man, Steven," Walker says, rises off the bed and discards the pillow, his cock and balls swinging freely.
Ste tries to avert his eyes, knows that he'd be giving into exactly what Walker wants if he looks.
"Was going to fuck young Kevin here, that's how much he cares about you."
"Yeah, alright Simon," Ste interjects, can't fucking stand how smug he is right now. "I think I get the message. Brendan doesn't love me, may as well write it on a bloody neon sign for me, or have you done one already?" He doesn't dare to look at Brendan's face, blames the alcohol for making him this reckless.
That's three times he's mentioned the word love, is beginning to be like a broken record in his brain, can't seem to stop saying it now that it's out there.
"That's twice you've interrupted me now, Brendan. Twice," Walker hisses, cock pointing skyward, eyes closed like he wants to show them all how much he's suffered.
"Put some clothes on," Brendan says, voice twisted with disgust. "Both of you," he adds, turns to Kevin and throws him his trousers off the floor.
Kevin hurries to get dressed while they both turn away. Ste can see Walker out of the corner of his eye, can tell that he's in no such hurry, taking his sweet time with it, watching Kevin as he covers up more skin. He slowly puts a t-shirt on, cock still just visible beneath the material before he begins the gradual pull of his trousers over it. Fucking tease.
"We're all dressed. Unfortunately."
"Right, well now you can piss off, can't you?" Ste says, feels a certain amount of bravery that he loathes to admit comes from Brendan standing beside him.
Walker laughs, looks delighted by the whole charade. He turns to Kevin, seems to ignore the way the boy looks unmistakably frightened now.
"Come on, son. We can go back to mine. Pick up from where we left off."
Ste snorts, watches while Kevin timidly follows Walker out of the door.
"Remember sweetheart, if you change your mind -"
"Simon, fuck off, yeah?"
Walker leans his head back and lets out a loud raucous laugh. "Oh Brendan, this one's a keeper. Beautiful."
He makes a pull for Kevin's hand, gives him a heavy slap on the arse before leaving, and the boy looks back at them as if silently pleading for help.
Ste hadn't known that his competition would be some frightened boy barely out of his teens.
Ste lets out a shaky laugh when they're alone again.
"Least you'll have stories to tell the kids," Brendan sighs, goes over to the bed and strips the sheets from the bed disdainfully.
"Yeah, I think I'll leave that one out. I can't believe..." he stops, feels so full of anger and rage that it disables him. "I can't believe that after everything he's done he's just...he's just like that, doesn't even care. He can't get away with this."
"He's not going to."
Ste's heart leaps. Revenge is something he's definitely willing to be involved in.
"You're not going to be doing anything, Steven."
Fucking mind reader.
"Why not?" He grunts, insulted, thinks that Brendan doesn't believe he's capable.
"I want you out of trouble."
"Trying to control me again?" He asks, can see Brendan's expression turn to one of hurt, but it's not enough to make him take back his words. "Tell me who I can see, what I can do?"
Brendan sighs, stares at him in exasperation like he's willing for him to understand. "I just want the best for you."
"Well you know what, you need to stop deciding that. It's not your choice to make. Leaving me wasn't what's best for me, was it? You're always saying you want to protect me, but the only person who keeps hurting me is you."
He leans his head against the coldness of the wall, tries to lessen the pounding but he can still feel it. It never seems to leave him these days, too much noise in there, feels like his skull is about to explode from the pressure.
He wants to kiss him, he does, but it's going to make it that much harder when Brendan leaves him again.
"I'm sorry."
He's not sure if he should allow himself to believe it.
"I'll deal with Walker, I promise."
"I don't..." He needs Brendan to understand this. It's never been about Walker, has never been the real problem here and never will be. "I don't care about that. Not really."
There's silence for a moment, and Ste can just imagine the cogs turning in Brendan's mind while he tries to work out what Ste truly wants here.
"I wish I could be normal."
He sounds so broken that Ste turns to face him, has to fight against his instinct to reach out to him, to hold him, to do anything to try and make it better.
This is what love feels like. Trying to fix something because it hurts you to see it damaged.
"Everyone does."
"Everyone else isn't a freak." Brendan spits the words out, stares at Ste with dark eyes, so blue that he could drown in them.
He can't stop himself from touching him anymore. He feels like he's moving forward against his will, and there's no one to tell him how dangerous this is.
"Come here," he says, holds his arms out for Brendan to settle into, and he moves into them effortlessly, fits into the space he makes like it's been carved just for him.
He strokes Brendan's hair, breathes in the smell of him, so unique and Brendan, something that his imagination could never quite manage to conjure up on nights spent alone without him.
He misses him desperately, doesn't know how he ever survived this long without him.
"It's okay," he whispers into his neck, can feel Brendan heaving slightly in his arms, and for one terrifying moment he's scared that he's crying, can't look because the thought of Brendan being in that kind of pain is unbearable to him.
"I'm so sorry, Steven."
Ste doesn't ask what for, senses that Brendan's apologising for a million things, for everything that's happened since they first met. He doesn't say anything, doesn't want to forgive him, wants to hold onto that anger for a little bit longer, to make Brendan know that this isn't a clean slate here, that they can't simply bury what's happened.
But God would he like to. He'd love nothing more than to be with him now.
By the time Ste releases him Brendan's got dry eyes, and he's relieved for that, aches just to know that Brendan could have cried against his shoulders. He's so used to him being strong, to being the one who holds it all together, the glue that binds them both.
To see Brendan cry would be like glimpsing the eight year old boy that he had been, makes Ste murderous, would kill Seamus himself if he wasn't already dead.
"I shouldn't even be here. Shouldn't be messing with your head..." Brendan trails off, sounds miserable as sin, and Ste knows it's not what either of them want.
"I told you, remember? My decision."
"You don't want me here."
Ste pushes him lightly on the arm, makes Brendan smile the smallest amount, and for that he's grateful.
"Do you want to make me angry, Brendan?"
"I don't know," Brendan says, eyes dancing. "Maybe I do."
Ste smiles, can't fucking help it. He feels alive again instantly. "You've never seen me when I'm really angry."
Brendan reaches out, brushes his hand through Ste's hair, does it again and again when the boy doesn't pull away, when he closes his eyes, savouring the feel of it.
"Stay with me tonight."
Brendan looks just as surprised by what he's said as Ste is.
Ste steps back, feels suddenly anxious. "I told you -"
"I don't mean...I don't mean we have to have sex. I'm not...I'm not asking for that." He looks uncomfortable as hell, eyes darting from the floor to Ste's face, looks like he regrets his sudden unexpected outburst.
"I can't anyway. The officers..." He knows it's pointless even saying it, that Brendan can make anything happen in this place, that he could organise another transfer right now and it would be accepted.
"Just for tonight."
Ste knows it won't be just for tonight, that it never could be.
Brendan takes Ste's face between his hands, rubs his thumbs over his cheeks softly.
"Please, Steven. Please stay with me tonight."
He knows he needs to be sensible here. It's too soon, too delicate, the memory of what Brendan did still too vivid in his mind.
He'll be safe with Doug. He's good for him, in a way that Brendan could never be.
Ste doesn't pull away when Brendan leans towards him, is too preoccupied with the wreckage going on in his mind to stop him when he kisses him lightly on the lips, the taste of him lingering, the slight prickle of his moustache.
"Yeah." His voice sounds croaky. He swallows and tries to focus on anything but Brendan's mouth, knows that it's always been his downfall. "Yeah, I'll stay with you."