Chapter 48 – Out with the Past, In with the Knews

Sometime later as the last embers winked out in the hearth, Alyx lay awake reflecting on the evening's events. Despite her propensity to worry, it wasn't Esmerelle's near disastrous attack or even the argument with Nate afterwards that kept her awake long after he had drifted off to sleep.

Sighing contentedly, Alyx snuggled into Nate's chest, reveling in the rhythmic thrumming of his heart beneath her ear; strong and steady like the man himself. Already she could feel the tell-tale ache of muscles she'd long since forgotten existed, and yet she welcomed it with a foolish sort of giddiness.

It was as if some place deep inside of her had awaken at the culmination of their shared passion, stretched like a cat warming itself in the sun and shook itself free of all worry and care. Her fears, her inhibitions (though not forgotten) seemed as distant as a dream there, in the circle of his arms. Soon enough she knew that the enchantment would break and reality would set back in, but for now she allowed herself to be enveloped by the serenity of the moment.

Alyx blushed as memories of the last few hours flooded her mind in spectacular relief. Nothing about that night had been as expected but still, to say that he'd surprised her would be a monumental understatement. He was forever doing that it seemed. It made her wonder if he would always find new ways to surprise her or if there would come a day that they knew each other inside and out, just as she had with Alistair.

Unwittingly, the thought of Alistair conjured up memories of their first night together. She could not help but compare the two experiences, despite the vastly different circumstances…and men…that had led to each of them.

It had been years now, but she remembered that night as clearly as if it had only happened yesterday. Alistair had come to her a virgin and had been as sweetly nervous as he was eager to please. Though requiring a certain amount of patient guidance in the beginning, it had not taken long for his instincts to kick in and take control. Needless to say, though not perfect (they'd had to make due with a tent in the wilderness within hearing distance of their traveling companions), it had been one of the most memorable evenings in her life. Still, there was something to be said about being with a man who knew what he was about, and Nate had certainly proven up to the challenge.

Pleased as she was, Alyx could not help the curiosity that bubbled up inside of her. She had never given much thought to Nate's past experience with women. Certainly they'd never discussed it. She always just assumed he'd had a lover or two, perhaps even spent time in one of the many brothels that could be found in any city across Thedas. It was a common enough pastime for a young, virile man of his station. Now though…

Alyx mentally shut down that line of thought before it led to more dangerous subject matter. She knew that whatever his past, he was with her now and that was all that mattered. Only –it was just another reminder of how much she still didn't know about him. Not the little, everyday things like habits and preferences, or even the fundamental qualities that formed his overall personality. That she got. What she wanted was to understand, to fill the gaping void between the boy she once knew and the man she had grown to love. Yet any time she probed him about his life in Kirkwall, he shut down. Hard. She tried not to let it bug her but it did, more than she wanted to admit.

"Lex."

Alyx nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of Nate's sleep-roughened voice and blushed when he chuckled in response.

"I did not mean to startle you lass," he said softly, the drowsy half-smile that tilted up the side of his mouth making her blush all the more. When Alyx looked up at him expectantly he sighed, his eyes still twinkling in sly amusement. "Are you going to tell me what's on your mind? I can practically hear the gears turning in there."

"Was I keeping you up?" Alyx replied, her brow furrowing in concern.

"No, though I did wonder what could be keeping you up."

Alyx bit her bottom lip, usually a sign that he was not going to like what she was about to say.

"Out with it," he demanded softly. Alyx hesitated and he mentally groaned.

"The scars on your back…how did you get them?" she finally asked. And why did you never tell me about them? Her eyes silently added.

"Ah. I was wondering how long this would take," he replied as he shifted uncomfortably beneath her.

"I don't mean to pry, if you would rather not talk about it—"she began hesitantly.

"It's not that, it's just…" Nate sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he searched for the right words. When none came, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "It wasn't my Father if that's what you're thinking."

At least not directly, he added to himself bitterly.

Alyx did not reply, rather just looked up at him with an expression born of patient interest that made him profoundly uncomfortable. Of course she expected him to continue. A part of him knew that he should continue. After all, it was only natural for her to be curious, and if anyone deserved an explanation it was her. He just—couldn't. Were he to tell her what happened, it would only lead to more questions. Those questions would eventually lead to others, and before long he would find himself telling her everything he'd not only pushed down somewhere deep inside, but had nailed shut, padlocked and lost the key to boot. Already bits of long-suppressed memories were beginning to trickle into his consciousness and he inwardly shuddered. He could not stand the idea of her pity, anymore than he could stand the idea of the disgust that would surly follow if she knew all. Yet the silence continued to draw out between them. He watched as the crestfallen look in her eyes took shape and it twisted his guts to see it.

"I know you're not one that shares easily with others, and I do respect that Nate," Alyx began in the wake of his reticence. "That you've chosen to let me in as much as you have these past few weeks pleases me more than I can say. But—I can't help but feel as if there's this…chasm…between us I can neither cross nor circumvent."

"A chasm. Because of a few scars I failed to mention? That's rather dramatic of you, my dear. "

"It's not about the scars!" Alyx snapped. Nate arched an eyebrow at her in question and she scowled. "I mean, it is, but—it's not just about them. Don't you see? For ten years you lived this whole other life that I know next to nothing about. Ten years Nate! A whole decade of your history I can only wonder about. Is it not natural for me to be curious, to want to know all of you, not just the convenient parts?"

Nate's head snapped around sharply at that, his silverite eyes piercing her with a hard glare. Had she somehow learned how to read his thoughts now as well?

"If I have kept things from you it was not out of any need for deception. I have shared that life with no one."

"Not even with Delilah?" she asked in surprise.

"Especially not Delilah."

"But why? I don't understand—"

"The memories of that time are…less than pleasant. I have never wished to revisit them, let alone disclose the details to anyone."

Alyx sat back, mulling over his words as she silently chewed at her bottom lip. Nate wished he could know just what was going on inside of her head. Her eyes, usually so expressive to him, conveyed nothing he could decipher. He knew better than to think she would drop the topic so easily however.

"Surly it couldn't have always been so terrible?" she finally asked him.

"It's not that," Nate replied uneasily. "There's not much of that life for me to be proud of. The things I've experienced, that I've done…the man it made me into...You would have no respect for that version of me. It's not who I am. Not anymore."

"You're afraid I'll think less of you? That some element of your past would change my feelings towards you?" she asked incredulously. When he didn't answer her expression hardened, her eyes flashing not with anger, but with resolve. "That would never happen."

"You can't know—"

"Never."

Nate's eyebrows shot up at that. Alyx flashed him a brief but gentle smile and ran her fingers lightly over his cheek.

"I know the man that sits before me. He is a good man; a credit to the Warden's and to his name. Whatever has gone before will never change that for me. I only wish to understand what has led you here."

Nate let out a long breath, eyeing her wearily as he considered her words. There would be no taking it back once told. Was he prepared for the consequences if she balked?

"It is a long story—"

"No doubt."

"And complicated—"

"I think I can keep up."

Nate chuckled, a wry smile spreading across his lips as he leaned back against the headboard, drawing Alyx along with him until she was fully straddled across his waist, their faces mere inches apart. That she was still fully naked had not escaped his attention…or hers if the smirk on her face told him anything.

"You're the most stubborn woman I've ever met, you know that right?" he said, his words ending in a sharp intake of breath as Alyx chose that moment to roll her hips in just the right direction to make him suddenly, painfully aware of her proximity. Shit. The throaty laughter that followed only served to intensify the affect and he knew at once that he was lost. "Damn it, Lex, that's not fair! Fine, I'll tell you whatever the bloody hell you want—just—not right now."

"On that I think we can agree," she murmured as she closed the distance between them.

Finally Alyx succumbed to sleep, but it wasn't long before dreams pulled her back to consciousness.

She glanced at Nate, still sleeping beside her, before wrapping herself in a discarded blanket and padding to the set of windows on the opposite side of the room. It was early still that she could tell; weak light just beginning to creep across the horizon to herald the coming of the new day. Alyx opened the window in front of her and breathed deeply as she let the cool air wash over her.

It wasn't long before Nate, too, awoke, and had a moment of panic when he realized the bed beside him was empty. He was relieved when he looked up to see her standing there, and for a moment he allowed himself to take her in. She never looked more beautiful to him, wearing naught but a thread-worn blanket wrapped loosely around her narrow shoulders, early morning sunlight dancing over her sleep-rumpled hair like a trail of flames.

Silently Nate got up and walked across the room to stand behind her. Neither of them spoke, but when he wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss into her collarbone, she relaxed back against him. They stood like that for a time, each enjoying the simple pleasure of the other's company as they watched the sunrise together.

"What's wrong?" he asked eventually, low in her ear.

Alyx glanced at him in mild surprise and then sighed.

"I was just thinking of something Esmerelle said last night."

Uh-oh.

"You're not still worried about Jocelyn, are you?"

"No. Well…yes, I am always worried about Jocelyn, but that's not what I was thinking of," Alyx replied distractedly.

"What is it?" Nate asked, his brow furrowing in concern.

"I just keep thinking about this one moment…when Esmerelle and I were fighting she knew she couldn't best me, but when I offered her mercy she refused. 'You've already taken everything else from me,' she said. It struck me, not because of what she said but how she said it. When I looked into her eyes there was none of the power-driven hunger that I expected, I saw only the desperation of a grieving woman. She…must have loved your father a great deal."

"So it seems," Nate replied, a little discomfited with the direction this conversation was going.

"Did you know?"

"I—suspected there was more to their relationship than met the eye, but Father would never have openly admitted to it. Not to spare my Mother's feelings, mind you, but to keep up appearances. Perception was paramount to him in those days. More than that I cannot say, I was still quite young when he sent me away and little concerned with such things."

Alyx nodded, her gaze drifting down and away from him.

"What is this, Lex?"

"I haven't been able to get the memory of that look out of my head. At first I couldn't put my finger on why it seemed so familiar, but when I woke up this morning it was clear as day. I recognized it because I've seen it before in my own eyes. It got me to thinking…how am I any different from her?"

"Do not be ridiculous, you are nothing like that woman," Nate spat, furious that she would even consider such a thing.

"Am I not? During the blight there were times that the only thing that kept me going was the thought of killing your Father. Every time it seemed all too much, when the enemy overwhelmed or my injuries too great, I told myself that if I gave up now, he would win."

"And what did you do when you finally saw him?" Nat asked quietly.

"What?"

"Did you attack him on sight? Turn his vassals against him? Play tricks with his mind and destroy his livelihood?"

"I—"

"Did you kill his men without mercy?" Nate pressed. "What Esmerelle planned for you was brutal and calculated. She would have eliminated anyone in her way, friend or foe. My Father gave you no choice in the end. It is not the same."

"Do not think me innocent of such crimes!" Alyx snapped, the wind going out of her sails almost immediately after it was said. For a moment her eyes lost their focus, as if she were looking at something far off in the distance. Nate wondered what she was seeing to cause such obvious grief. She looked—haunted.

"There were things the blight forced me to do I never used to think myself capable of. My hands are just as bloody as hers."

"Alyx…look at me," Nate replied softly. "I know you. Whatever happened during the blight was done out of necessity, to survive. If not for that, none of us would be here right now."

"You can't know—"

"I don't need to. None of us are without sin, you and Esmerelle included, but you have something she never did…compassion. As far as I could tell the woman never even knew the meaning of the word—but you…your capacity for compassion astounds me sometimes. You wouldn't care so much otherwise.""

Alyx blinked up at him and then chuckled.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?" Nate asked, confused.

"How do you always know the right thing to say?" she replied, eyes sparkling with silent mirth.

"I told you already…because I know you," he replied, his head dipping so that they were practically nose to nose. "Or perhaps it is because I love you."

Alyx gasped, his confession hitting her harder than she ever could have anticipated. She could see the truth of it shining in his eyes and it stole her breath away. If ever there was a time to say the words, now would be it, but once again she felt her tongue thickening in her mouth and she couldn't speak. Her jaw worked but nothing came out. Nate smiled at her sadly, but otherwise didn't seem to expect her to answer in return. Instead he simply leaned down and kissed her. Alyx wrapped her arms around him tightly, responding to his touch with all the passion she couldn't bring herself to voice. One day, she silently promised both to him and herself. One day she would tell him all that was in her heart. For now, she would simply show him.

*Author's Note: Hellloooo dear readers! No, I am not dead and yes, it has been a crazy long time in between postings! As something of an explanation without getting overly long-winded about it, some time ago I receive a promotion at work—great for my career, but death to my free time and energy. With that being said, please know that it has always been and continues to be my intention to finish this story. Playing Inquisition has reminded me of my love for the world of DA and its characters, and I hope I can finally bring this tale to its end!

A couple of notes about this chapter: My writing skills are a little rusty, so I apologize if this chapter feels a little choppy! When I originally planned it, I intended to actually have Nate tell his back-story—but the more I thought about it, the more ideas I had, and all of the sudden it became this epic thing all on its own (at least in my own mind, lol). So, not only do I intend to finish this story, but to also work on a spin-off of Nate's lost years! It would be entirely different piece of work (think more adventure/drama less romance…though knowing me I'll have to throw something steamy in there for fun). As a surprise, I've decided to include an excerpt below of the prologue, partially as a sneak peek, partially to see if there's any interest in the material. I would love to see any thoughts or comments on this chapter or the spinoff, please review if you find yourself with a free moment or two and a great big THANK YOU for anyone still reading after such a lengthy absence!

*Muse Tunes: "The Deep End" by Guardian Ghost, "Ghosts That We Know" by Mumford & Sons, "Fuel to Fire" by Agnes Obel, "Earth" by Hans Zimmer (Gladiator Soundtrack), "Awakening" by Rachel Portman (The Duchess Soundtrack), and "I'm Sorry for Today" by Ramin Djawadi (Game of Thrones: Season 4 Soundtrack).

And Now, an excerpt from the yet to be titled SOG spin-off:

I am a man living on borrowed time.

Not an unusual sentiment coming from a Grey Warden, I know, but one I have long since felt—long before I knew anything of blights and darkspawn and all that entails. When you have stared death in the face as often as I you are forced to see life in a whole new perspective. How it changes you depends greatly on who you were and who you wish to be.

Over the years I frequently found myself contemplating the minutiae of the every day, theorizing that which makes us what we are. Too often we reduce ourselves to nothing more than one-to-two worded labels. Social class, profession, the province in which one hails...those quirks of personality that separate us from our fellows…but I have often wondered what it is that truly makes us…us..

My Father used to say perception's deceiving. That the only way to truly judge a man is by the measure of his honor, and in the strength of his convictions…in retrospect, a maxim many would scoff at coming from a man such as he. To me what once seemed a noble ideal in my childhood has become nothing more than an attestation to the depth of his hubris—but that is a story for another time. Despite this or perhaps because of it I have learned that man is too complex to compartmentalize in such a way. I am a Grey Warden and a Howe, but neither of these things defines me. Ultimately, it is our experiences that mold us; our choices which shape the path before us.

The truth is life changes too quickly and too frequently, and we are often forced to change with it or be crushed by the weight of the consequences. My life has been defined by such moments. Some would call that fate, I would call it something else altogether.

But you did not ask for a lengthy recitation on my views of the world, did you? You asked about my scars, expecting the answer to be rather brief and straight forward no doubt. Perhaps I could make it so if that is all you wanted, but I can see in your eyes you desire more. It is not that simple. To truly understand you must know the full story, and it is not something that can be done all at once. The tale in itself is complex; spanning not days or weeks but months and years of my life.

You still wish to hear it? Very well, but do not say I didn't warn you.