"Lie down. I'm going to come inside you."
Ste feels himself go hot all over at Brendan's words, his chest flushing and heaving, feels like adrenaline's pumping through him, the promise of what's going to happen making his hands shake.
He props himself up on the pillow, watches as Brendan moves closer towards him. He'd be intimated by the sheer size of the man if he didn't know he can take it, that they fit together perfectly.
Ste unconsciously licks his lips at the sight of him, so thick and big, and he parts his legs willingly. He thinks he must look obscene, the come that Brendan didn't manage to lick up still covering the inside of Ste's thighs, now drying against his skin and turning harder in consistency.
He considers jumping off the bed and quickly cleaning himself off at the sink, but he knows Brendan, is sure that the man will make him come again, that there's little point in trying to make himself look presentable now.
Brendan straddles him on the bed, his cock gently pressing against Ste's stomach. Ste's not sure what his expression's like at the moment, is glad he can't see himself for fear of embarrassment. Whatever Brendan reads in his eyes he seems to like, seems to make his own grow dark with intent, a smile on his lips that Ste could only describe as seductive.
Any doubts about this are far removed from his mind. This is the man he wants, the only person he can ever imagine making him feel this way. The fact that he's told Brendan that he loves him has made this stronger somehow, feels so good to have revealed the truth at last.
I don't think I can live my life without you.
Ste believes him, and if it's up to him then they won't have to ever live without each other. This is forever now.
They barely take their lips off each other as Brendan pushes in. Ste senses that he's doing it to distract him, to force him to relax and breathe through any pain, but there is none. He feels so loose and ready.
Losing his virginity to another man had been clumsy and awkward, had been painful because he wasn't aroused enough to turn his nervousness into pleasure. Brendan makes him feel safe, wanted. He makes him want in return.
He wonders if Brendan can taste himself on his tongue. Ste had his lips wrapped around his cock moments before, and Brendan's kissing him hungrily now. It amazes him how he never seems to be afraid of anything when they're like this, how Brendan comes alive and uninhibited, like Ste can almost see him closing the door to the outside world, if only for a little while.
He wishes they could both do it all the time. Let everything else just fade away.
His hands are clawing down Brendan's back, thinks he must be in danger of drawing blood soon. When Brendan's mouth isn't on him he's gasping, can hear himself swearing but it's as though it's from someone else, someone unlike himself.
Brendan doesn't even start with slow and deep strokes like he usually does. His hip movements are uncoordinated and frenzied, and Ste's surprised his body can take it, doesn't know how he hasn't snapped in two by now from the man's movements, the way he's pummeling into him.
They're sliding up and down the bed, moving to a different position with each thrust. The bed's squeaks aren't as loud as the noises coming from them, and when Brendan kisses him Ste merely continues to shout, feels like the sound is going straight into the older man's mouth.
He's hard again, doesn't even know when that happened or how, how he can be this ready to come after he'd spilled all over Brendan's hands so recently. He's never seen Brendan quite like this, so completely desperate for him, like Ste's making him this uncontrolled.
It's the most powerful feeling Ste's ever known.
Brendan's kissing everywhere he can reach while he's moving inside him. His lips trail down Ste's throat, lick over his earlobe, kiss over his eyelashes like he's worshipping every single one, counting each with his tongue.
"Bambi." He whispers it and laughs, and it's so full of affection and fondness that Ste doesn't know what he can possibly say to explain how he's feeling.
He settles for the only thing he can manage right now, his hands making their way down towards Brendan's arse. He grips it, can feel it flex every time he moves more deeply into him, and his hands hold it firmly, encouraging him to go faster.
Brendan's face turns against his, his lips moving closer to his ear.
"Finger me."
Even with his insides feeling like they're on fire, Ste shivers.
"Yeah?" He asks, hears the way he sounds like he's in awe of the older man. He hadn't known if it was something that Brendan would allow him to do again, had understood how difficult it was for him to abdicate control like that.
God knows he'd enjoyed it though, the feeling of plunging in with his fingers, had made him imagine what it would be like to go in with his cock. It wasn't something he often did with anyone, and he'd never felt any real need to before, but with Brendan he wanted to do everything, because everything they'd done had felt so achingly good.
Brendan nods and slows down, his thrusts measured and more deliberate now. It allows Ste to get some of his breath back, to reach closer to Brendan's arse and finger his hole, tentatively rubbing at first, studying Brendan to see if he should stop.
Brendan rolls his hips, lets out a groan, makes Ste want to be buried in him forever just so he can hear it on repeat.
He takes that as confirmation to go in with his finger, easing the tip inside as Brendan carries on fucking him slowly.
Divine.
It feels intimate, private, something that only they've ever shared.
Ste has to believe that this is the way that things are going to be from now on. Losing this again isn't a possibility, isn't something he's sure that he can survive a second time. He hopes that Brendan's going to hold on just as strongly, that they're going to make this work.
Brendan's close, so agonisingly close to coming. He lifts one of Ste's legs up in the air, has the sole of his foot braced against his chest, allowing him to penetrate him even deeper. They can both hear an officer knocking on the door, the slam of a fist against the wood, keep it down in there, but they're in no position to hear him, let it wash over them like it's dust.
Brendan bites down on his shoulder, hard.
"Steven, I'm going to -"
Before he can even complete the sentence he comes, feels almost violent, causing Ste's body to shake with his. He can feel Brendan contracting around him, kissing him so roughly now that it feels like he's merely biting his lips, is sure that he can taste the metallic tang of blood.
Even in his exhausted state Brendan's still got his hand wrapped around Ste's dick, is pumping away until he suddenly eases his grip. Ste watches his curiously, pulse jittering when Brendan crawls down his body, and takes his dick in his mouth.
"Oh my God."
For once the noises that Brendan's making are louder than his own, can only be described as slurping. It should sound too much, too lewd, but he's never heard something so amazing, is dazzled by the way that Brendan stares up from under his lashes while he sucks him off.
He shoots down his throat, watches as Brendan swallows every last drop, doesn't look tempted to spit it out for one second. He looks like it's something he wants to taste, like he can't get enough of him.
When he pulls Ste towards him for a kiss he can't refuse, doesn't let his embarrassment at tasting his own come in Brendan's mouth, sour and still warm, let him be deterred. He knows that a part of Brendan gets off on this, testing Ste's boundaries and limits, seeing if he can push them that much further. He feels like he's already lived more in the near two months that he's been inside than in his entire life, because in so many ways, this time it's the life he wants to live.
Every dark side of prison has been counterbalanced by the knowledge that he has Brendan.
Ste slowly rolls them over, feels an ache in his body, a reminder of everything that they've just done.
He feels a thousand sentiments die on his lips, doesn't want to run the risk of alienating Brendan. That was amazing. Just lying here now, in your arms, it's...
He has to distract himself from telling him he loves him again.
He could fall asleep right now. Brendan's stroking against his back, the movement so soothing that Ste closes his eyes, has his ear pressed against his chest. He's so closely moulded that he can hear his heartbeat, and its struggle to get back to its normal rhythm.
"That was amazing."
His eyes drift open. He wonders if Brendan could possibly have read his thoughts, and beams against his skin at how sincere he sounds.
"Yeah. Yeah, it was." Ste suddenly feels shy, doesn't know where it could come from considering what they just did. He's starting to realise that he and Brendan have no difficultly when it comes to this, to taking what they need from each others bodies. It's everything that comes before and after that's the problem.
But he doesn't want it to be a problem anymore. He's determined to not make the same mistake twice.
"You're amazing."
Ste laughs, running his fingers down Brendan's arm as a wordless appreciation for the compliment. He doesn't know how one person can manage to tear his life apart so spectacularly, and then stitch it back together again, good as new, better than it was before.
He knows Amy would tell him to get out while he still can. He's not sure that's even an option anymore.
"Are you glad you stayed?" It shocks him how vulnerable Brendan suddenly sounds, like a switch has been flicked.
"Of course." He nestles in closer, tries to show Brendan just how glad.
"After what I did to you..."
"Don't worry about that now," Ste interrupts, wants to enjoy how right everything feels, like the wounds of the past are being healed.
He shuffles closer to his favourite spot, laying his head underneath Brendan's chin. He can feel Brendan's lips on his hair, and it's lulling him to sleep, calming him. A part of him desperately wants to hang onto consciousness, fears the possibility that everything could be different in the morning.
He knows that Brendan can't disappear, not in this place, but the dread is still inside him at being separated from him again. Brendan's got his fair share of enemies in this place, and Ste doesn't know if they're strong enough to get through that, not when Brendan gave up so easily before.
He's going to have to be strong enough for them both.
Brendan reaches up and turns off the other light, and they're plunged into darkness. Sweat and come are drying on Ste's skin, but he's reluctant to move and wash it off. He doesn't want to leave Brendan's side.
"You horny little..."
Ste hadn't even realised that with one hand he'd been aimlessly stroking over Brendan's balls. The older man lets out a booming laugh, parts his legs the smallest amount, so subtle that Ste might not have noticed if he wasn't so finely tuned to Brendan's body.
He has no intention of going again right now, not when they're both this tired, not when his head's beginning to pound further because of the moonshine. He knows he'll regret it in the morning if he doesn't get any sleep, is bound to wake up with a killer hangover and barely have the ability to open his eyes to the light.
But he likes it, likes touching him as his limbs grow more slack with tiredness. He likes the soft rub of Brendan's balls, loose and hanging in his palm.
He hasn't even begun to explore them enough, the sensation and taste.
He sits up in the bed, is already parting his lips with the intention of putting his moistened mouth around Brendan's balls, but he collapses onto the pillow, laughing in defeat.
"What?" Brendan asks, stroking a stray strand of Ste's hair away from his face.
"I was going to do something, but it can wait," he says coyly, needs to regain some of the feeling back in his legs before he can begin to move them again.
"Sounds promising." He gives him the kind of look that would have them thrown out of a public place, makes Ste wish that he could find some energy from somewhere, anywhere.
"Maybe you'll find out some day."
He's sure he can feel Brendan smiling against him as he begins to fall asleep.
He wakes up with a splitting headache and a prominent erection, his brow wet to the touch. He can't remember exactly what he dreamed about, but whatever it was he's sure it involved a certain Irish moustached man, strong hands gripping his thighs, and a whisper in his ears, telling him exactly how he was going to ruin him.
For a single moment Ste panics, thinks he's woken up alone in the bed, abandoned. When he turns to his side and sees Brendan lying next to him he feels foolish, feels clingy and desperate and all the things that he's afraid to be.
The thought of Brendan leaving him is still terrifying, and he doesn't know how to make it go away, thinks the only solution may be time.
His breathing begins to return to its normal state, and it's then that he decides to do something about the problem.
He starts by kissing against Brendan's cheek lightly, deepening the touch when he remembers what a heavy sleeper he is. He moves on to Brendan's earlobe when this doesn't have the desired effect and tugs at it, but still nothing.
"Brendan." Ste shakes him, the only response that he receives consisting of a twitch of Brendan's nose, before he rolls over and resumes his slumber.
He's wondering whether to jerk himself off, but he wants more.
He rolls the cover off them and moves on top of Brendan. They're both naked, and rubbing his cock against the man's is doing nothing to decrease his arousal. His moustache is right in front of him now, and Ste has a strange amount of fascination with it, begins by tracing his finger over the hair, smiling when it prickles against his skin.
He leans forward and presses his lips against it, then moves onto Brendan's mouth.
He feels Brendan begin to respond, to stretch and instinctively stroke his hands along Ste's back. His eyes open slowly.
"Someone's up." He looks pointedly down at Ste's dick trapped between their bodies, and laughs at his own joke. Ste pushes him in mock annoyance, tries to prevent his own smile from showing through.
He leans his elbow against Brendan's chest, raising his eyebrows.
"What are you going to do about it?"
Brendan moves his hands lower, down to Ste's arse, challenge in his eyes to make Ste tell him exactly what he wants.
It's something he'd usually try to fight against, but he's hungry for a repeat of last night.
"Fuck me." Ste breathes it against his skin, is already reaching down towards Brendan's cock to try to make him hard.
"Steven, I can't."
Ste breaks away sharply, thinks he must have misheard.
"What?" He's aware of how incredibly pissed off he sounds right now.
"I only had one condom, and we used it last night."
He sighs, long and drawn out. "Can't you just get more? You never had trouble before." He plays with Brendan's chest hair, hoping to persuade him.
"That's because I used to get them from Walker."
Ste stops in his movements. "Oh."
"Yeah. Oh."
Fuck.
"Well what are we going to do?"
"Don't worry, I'll get them from someone else."
Ste's satisfied to note that Brendan looks just as disappointed as he is.
"In the meantime..."
Brendan grins wolfishly at him, flipping him over onto his back. Before Ste can even pause for breath he feels a wet pair of lips wrapped around his cock, and he grips the side of the bed, digging his fingers into it to diffuse some of the tension in his body.
He's sliding all the way down Brendan's throat, is relentless, the suction and the tight heat. Ste uses his free hand to rake his fingers through Brendan's hair, pulling it so roughly that he's amazed it doesn't fall out. He doesn't scold Ste for it, doesn't even comment, just opens his mouth wider and moves his head back and forth, looks fucking amazing, and Ste can't believe that this is happening to him.
When Brendan swallows him down they lie side by side again, Ste staring at him in amazement.
"I don't remember you being quite like that in the mornings."
"It's been a while," Ste says defensively, doesn't admit that he was scared to be this bold, this determined before.
Brendan goes over to the sink, runs the taps and chugs back water.
"I swear Steven, I feel like I haven't had anything but your come in my mouth in days."
"You, not eating?" But he remembers the sight of Brendan in the canteen, how he'd barely touched his plate recently, just stirred his food around with his fork.
"Maybe I've got my appetite back."
Brendan grabs his jeans from the floor.
"Going somewhere?" Ste had planned a day in bed, condoms be damned. He's always been safe, and he's pretty sure that Brendan has been too.
"I've got something to show you."
He stares at Brendan curiously, can't imagine what he could possibly want to see that's of interest outside of these four walls. It's not like they can actually go anywhere.
"Get dressed." Brendan chucks his tracksuit bottoms over to him, and Ste reluctantly puts them on, grumbling until they're at the door.
It feels strange to be outside after a night spent touching and kissing and fucking each other. The last time he left this room was under completely different circumstances. The last time he walked down this hallway was when he and Brendan weren't even together, when he told himself he hated him.
Everything's changed now.
"Where are we going?"
"Come with me."
"Brendan..." He's not entirely sure he likes surprises.
"Come on!" Brendan smiles at him, leading him down one of the corridors.
The route feels familiar, is familiar. Ste begins to feel a growing sense of dread, suddenly feels like he knows exactly where they're going.
Brendan stops in front of the door. "After breakfast, we're spending the morning in here."
He protests against it the entire way to the dining room, doesn't stop when they pick up their trays and join the queue.
"I can't do it." It's not up for discussion. He's not going back there.
"Why not?" Brendan grabs two boxes of cereal and four pieces of toast, appetite definitely back.
Ste doesn't want to say the real reason for his reluctance, thinks that surely it must be patently obvious.
"It's just not for me."
Brendan stares at him with mistrustful eyes. Ste hates how openly he can read him, how he's not believing any of this.
"You used to love cooking."
"I...liked it. That's all." That isn't all. Brendan's right, he did love it, loved how he had finally found something that he was good at, felt like a revelation. He'd expected Tony to mock him, to try to control him and teach him the right way. He'd never met someone who'd simply wanted to help him, who encouraged him the way he had.
"What's really stopping you?" Brendan tries to fit almost a whole slice of toast in his mouth, doesn't even gag.
"Nothing. Look, I'll see you later, yeah?" He begins to walk away with his breakfast, the sight of Doug and Ethan sitting at the table filling him with calm.
They won't question him, won't force him to go back to the class.
"Hey." Ste feels a hand tugging at his sleeve, holding him back. "Don't I get an invitation?"
"What?"
"To your table. Bit rude of you not to invite me, don't you think?" Brendan stares at him in amusement.
Ste frowns. Brendan never joins him, not even when they first began sleeping together. He'd come to accept that it wasn't something they did, that they didn't sit together like they were a couple. It was the kind of thing people did in school, and yet...
And yet he wanted it.
"If you're just going to use it as an excuse to try and get me to come today -"
"What's wrong with that? I like making you come."
Ste shakes his head, leans forward and is just about to kiss the cheeky bastard when he sees Silas looking their way, looks like he's planning on committing his next murder. Death by fork.
"Alright then, you can sit with us. But play nice."
He feels Brendan giving his bum a squeeze as they make their way over to the table. Ste nearly drops his tray there and then, lets out a high pitched squeak and quickly tries to muffle the sound.
So much for playing nice.
Ethan and Doug are sitting at opposite sides, and Ste immediately chooses the chair next to Doug, decides that it'll be more safe considering the way that Brendan's eyes are already burning into the American.
He can sense their shock, the way their hands freeze mid air when Brendan joins them.
"Hiya." Ste's voice sounds unnatural, and it does nothing to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation.
Doug starts shoveling food into his mouth at a fast pace, looks like he's trying to start a new world record.
"How was your night?"
"Just like old times, wasn't it Doug?" Ethan says with false cheerfulness.
"Face masks and chick flicks then ladies?" Brendan asks, stirring his cereal.
Ste kicks him under the table, sees the quirk of Brendan's lips out of the corner of his eye.
"Actually, we were talking about my release."
Ste looks up at Doug in surprise. He'd known that his sentence wasn't as long as some of the other men in here, but he'd had no idea it would lapse so soon.
"You're getting out? When?"
"Around the same time as you."
Ste's sure he doesn't mistake the way that Doug looks straight at Brendan when he says this.
"That's brilliant news!"
"We should go out and celebrate - when we're both released I mean."
Released. The idea seems strangely foreign to Ste. It's difficult to imagine the day when he'll step outside of the gates. He doesn't know how he could go to a club, how he could sit with Doug and have a drink while Brendan's in here, alone again. Years, a lifetime spread before him in which to rot away.
He picks up his spoon, begins eating to distract himself. It's a painful thought, not one that he often allows himself to entertain. He can't start to think about it now, otherwise he doesn't know how to be happy again.
He can feel how tense Brendan is beside him. He's barely swallowing now, is just chewing over and over again, the heavy clench of his jaw looking like it's carved from solid plaster.
Ste puts a hand on Brendan's thigh. It makes the older man flinch, the touch unexpected, but after a moment he continues eating, acting like nothings happened. The table's high enough so that Doug and Ethan won't see, and Ste can tell that Brendan gets some comfort from that. It's a relief to not be pushed away, for Brendan to allow him to do this.
"And of course you're invited to mine and Lynsey's place."
"You're definitely moving in together then?"
"First thing I do when I get out."
Brendan's voice cuts through them, sharp and cold. "How are you going to pay the rent, Douglas?"
Ste's grip on Brendan's thigh tightens.
"I'll get a job, obviously."
Brendan laughs. "Because it's incredibly easy to get a job with a criminal record."
"Yeah, well we've all got criminal records in here, haven't we? One of us has to stand a chance."
"Not all of us have the same thing though, do we?" Brendan turns towards Ste, his eyes softening the smallest amount. "Steven did some shoplifting. Might have been stupid, but he did it to try and help his family. You dealt drugs, killed someone. Bit different, don't you think? How are you going to explain that in an interview? I once murdered someone, but I don't anymore?"
There's silence on the table. Ste doesn't know whether to intervene or keep his mouth shut, isn't sure what would help Doug the most. He knows how Doug hates people to defend his crime, but he hates being reminded of what he did just as much.
It's Ethan who speaks first.
"None of us are innocent on this table, Brendan."
"Not all of us are trying to drag an innocent woman down with us though, are we? What kind of life do you think you could offer her, Douglas? She'll always have to hide your relationship from the people she works with, unless she wants there to be an enquiry. Is she going to be paying your way, buying food and giving you a roof over your head for the rest of her life? She deserves more."
It feels like a pressure cooker on the table, feels like everything's about to snap at any given moment, and Ste can't do anything but watch.
Doug looks close to tears, staring down into his cereal like he wants to drown in it. Ste thinks he's going to have to watch the humiliation of him crying, doesn't know how he can stand it.
But when Doug looks into Brendan's eyes he looks determined, stronger than Ste's ever seen him.
"Is there any particular reason why you like hitting men where it can't be seen?"
Ste looks between them in confusion, disarmed by the change in subject. Brendan uses his hand to move Ste's own away from his thigh, and he feels the loss of contact acutely.
It feels like rejection.
"Something you want to say, Douglas?"
Ste can't believe that Doug's pushing it here, would be wise to walk away now. Ste knows that voice, knows that Brendan's close to erupting, and it's not something that any of them want to see.
"I was with him when you transferred cells, you know. I saw the bruises on his back when he got changed at night."
"Doug." He doesn't want to relive this. This was meant to be a clean slate.
Doug ignores him.
"It's exactly what you did to Vinnie, isn't it? Started off by hitting him in the ribs, where no one could see. Then you moved onto his face when he still didn't play by your rules."
"I'm warning you -"
Doug shakes his head, looks at Brendan with unconcealed revulsion. "Say whatever you like about me and Lynsey, but I'd never hurt her. You can't say the same, can you? I've only accepted this thing between you and Ste because he's my friend, but he could do so much better than you."
Doug climbs from his seat, Ethan immediately rising with him. "I hope one day he realises it too."
Doug stares back at Ste as if hoping he'll follow. He stays rooted to his seat. He's not choosing here, isn't some kind of game where he picks which side to be on.
But he can't leave Brendan.
He tries to ignore the way that Doug looks at him pityingly, as if he's just signed his life away.
When they're gone Brendan seems to deflate, the aggression leaving him. He rubs his forehead, closing his eyes. It feels like he's blocking Ste out, and he can't let that happen. Not when they were so close this morning, closer than Ste believed was possible. He can't experience that and let it be snatched away from him.
He isn't sure that he has the right words though. He tries to place his hand back on Brendan's thigh, to offer some sort of support, however small.
"Jesus Steven, stop pawing at me won't you?"
He removes his hand like he's been electrocuted, feels an extraordinary amount of hurt that he tries to not let show.
"I'm sorry." Brendan stutters. "Steven, I didn't..."
"I was just trying to help."
"I know. I don't deserve you."
He hates hearing Brendan say that, sounds like he believes it with the strongest conviction. He gets to decides who deserves him, and he's already made his choice.
He lets Brendan cup a hand around his face, lets him pull him closer towards him.
"Aren't you worried someone might see?" He can't stop the bitterness from peppering his voice.
"I don't give a fuck if they do."
He moves so that their lips are inches from each other. For a second Ste thinks of pulling away, doesn't want Brendan to kiss him just to prove a point.
But it's impossible not to give in.
He smiles into the kiss, can't believe that Brendan's slipping his tongue in here, in front of most of the prison population. He knows that no one would dare challenge Brendan, would never dream of saying anything to him unless they want to risk getting hurt. But it's a thrill that Brendan feels proud enough of him to be this open, this affectionate when everyone's around to witness it.
When they break away Ste's surliness is gone, and Brendan's biting his lip, reminds Ste of a teenager who's just been snogging someone behind the bike sheds.
"You shouldn't have said that to Doug, you know." There's no anger in his voice now. There's not going to be an argument, not this time. He has no intention of risking what they have. He likes how protective Brendan is of Lynsey, even if the possessiveness can be overwhelming.
"Someone had to tell the kid the way it's going to be. He has all these dreams..."
"Sometimes it's nice to have dreams." He doesn't mention that his own usually consist of the life he and Brendan could have together outside of this place.
"It's better to know that they'll never come true."
The way that Brendan says this devoid of any emotion scares him. It's fact to him, cold and hard fact, like he's already given up on something that was once possible.
Ste's about to protest it when Brendan finishes his last mouthful of toast, rising from his seat.
"Come on. We've got a cake to make."
Ste can't help but laugh, comes out something like a snigger.
"What?"
"Nothing. I just never thought I'd hear you say those words."
"Well, it may not be an actual cake. I'm feeling more in the mood for something savoury actually. You know how to make pasta, Steven?"
"I only know how to boil it -"
"You're a fast leaner. Come on." He offers his hand for Ste to take, and it's more tempting on its own than the proposition of cooking classes.
"I can't."
Brendan sighs, dropping his hand. "What are you so scared of?"
"I'm not scared of anything," he replies defensively. It's not the class that he's worried about. It's who's going to be there.
"You can tell me."
Ste knows he'a not going to be able to avoid it forever. He stares down at his hands, can't risk looking Brendan in the eye when he feels this exposed.
"Kevin's going to be there, isn't he?" He'd heard Ethan and Doug talking about it when they thought that he wasn't listening. He'd felt like he'd been replaced in Brendan's life in every possible way, that everything they'd ever had had been destroyed.
He wonders if Brendan thinks he's pathetic now, whether he can see how agonising it is to reveal his insecurities.
"This is about Kevin?" Brendan sounds surprised, and Ste can't believe how he hadn't realised how much it would effect him, just seeing them together in the same room.
"You and him..." He can't finish the sentence.
"Nothing happened. We didn't even kiss."
"Yeah, but something was going to happen, wasn't it?" Somehow that feels enough.
"Steven, he's just a council rat in a tracksuit."
"You're describing me when I was younger." Ste smiles brightly when he says it, but there's a waver in his voice, a vulnerability there that Brendan could easily pick at if he wanted to.
Brendan shakes his head, lifts him up from the table and looks down at his lips. They're standing so close together that Ste can smell the aftershave on him, could trail his tongue along his moustache.
"I prefer the more mature, experienced council rat now." He looks like he wants to show him just how much he prefers him, and Ste doesn't understand why they can't forsake cookery classes for a day spent in bed.
Brendan's being an insistent bastard today though.
"No excuses. You're going."
"You can't make me," Ste replies stubbornly, wonders whether he could run back to his cell before Brendan could catch him.
"I'll put you over my shoulder and drag you all the way there if I have to." He holds his arms out, a promise that he's willing to follow through on his threat.
"I don't know why this is so important to you."
"Because it's important to you. Even if you don't know it yet."
Brendan's words have the desired effect. He's a master at manipulating him, and Ste can never resist him like this, eyes large and dark and soft, looking at him like he cares about him.
He's starting to think that it may not be impossible, that Brendan Brady could actually love him.
Ste follows him down the corridor. Everything that he lost in the last few weeks is slowly coming back to him. He's afraid to have this much to lose again, but it's hard not to believe that he's in safe hands with Brendan when he makes him feel this protected. He tries to block the images from his mind that tell him that Brendan will choose Kevin over him, and he'll be laughed at, alone again.
Tony's there to greet him when he enters the class, bounding over to him and pulling him into a vice like grip, before seeming to remember the professional approach he's supposed to be taking, and releasing him from his hold.
"I'm so pleased you're back."
"Me too." It's only half a lie. It's comforting to be back in what feels like an almost familiar surrounding. He hadn't realised how he'd actually missed being in this place.
"I think you should have the honour of choosing the dish we make, Ste."
Ste hears footsteps behind him and a loud, exaggerated sigh.
"I never get to choose."
He rolls his eyes when he recognises Silas's voice, stomach tensing when Brendan turns round to face the older man.
"Steven's back. It's Steven's choice." He leaves no room for argument, makes it sound like this is a life or death situation.
"Brendan, it's okay." Ste lays a hand on his arm, watches as Brendan stares Silas down until he eventually leaves, meandering in the back of the class and looking in their direction, looking like he's debating on whether to trap both their bodies in the oven.
Tony looks intensely relieved not to have to break up another fight, motioning for Ste to join him in the corner of the room with an array of cookbooks. Ste smiles over at Brendan, attempting to process the dishes steak au poivre and pot au feu.
He loses all concentration when he sees Kevin enter the room. The boy stares from Ste to Brendan, then takes a seat at the table that Ste used to use. The table that Brendan's put his jacket on.
He feels something rip through him, something he's never felt before, not to this extent, not so that it takes over all rational thought.
Jealousy gnaws at him, ugly and twisted.
He wants Kevin gone.