Author's Note: Hi. Let's have a chat, shall we? I first wanted to say a hearty "Thank You" to everyone that's left me a review. It's amazing that people care enough to take the time out of their day to tell me what they thought of my story/latest chapter. They truly make my day and keep me wanting to write this story.
Therein lies part of the problem, though. I have a limited amount of time every day to spend working on this story. I work 35-40 hours per week while going to school at night. I also have other things I do for entertainment (watch a couple of shows per week, play video games, read stories on here). Because of all this, I've been thinking that I would really like to spend more time actually writing on this story and less time responding to reviews. I'm hoping that you, as a reader, will benefit from this also. Ideally, without spending that time responding to reviews, I can actually put out chapters faster. Like, I'm posting this chapter sooner than I would have. The story's been fresher on my mind and I've felt more motivated since I haven't had to pause from one chapter to the next in what I've been writing.
I don't want anyone to think that anything has changed, though. I still read each and every one of your reviews. Sharing this story and seeing how people love it is the reward for all the work I put into writing it. I also take into consideration every single idea or thought that's put in a review. The story has actually been changed for the better by people sharing personal experiences with me or by getting me to think about things in a way I originally hadn't. Some people have even mentioned things that have caused whole scenes in this story. Ideas are wonderful things that way.
Also, don't think there won't ever be a response to your review. If I am stuck on something, responding to reviews actually gets me thinking again. Or, if you have a question, I will do my best to answer it (without giving away the story, of course). And if I have a question for you that your review raised, I will definitely ask you and hope you respond to me. And if you tell me you're new to this story, I'll probably send you a welcome since I'm kind of a dork like that. :-)
So I think, for the foreseeable future, I will probably not be responding to every review. I wish I could, but there's just not enough time in the day. I'm sorry if anyone is upset by this. That wasn't my intention. I just want to write more story for you to read.
Sorry for the epically long A/N.
-DJ
Wednesday morning saw Rachel again riding to school with Quinn, spending those few minutes alone together in the parking lot before school started. Unfortunately (for Rachel, anyway), Quinn hadn't spent the night with her last night, only picking her up that morning for school. As it was Wednesday morning and that meant Glee practice, it was actually supposed to be Hiram bringing her to school this morning. Rachel had the sneaking suspicion yesterday that Quinn might be skipping that meeting this morning. It was only confirmed when the blonde showed up at her door with a cup of coffee in hand. Still, Rachel wasn't one for complaining. That alone time with Quinn was quickly becoming her favorite part of the day.
Rachel also had to imagine that Quinn was purposely avoiding having the rest of the Glee club bombard her with questions. Questions about Rachel's quitting or her suicide attempt or saving her life. Rachel had casually mentioned laying there bleeding to death in the bathtub yesterday, another time when it probably would have been prudent to think before she spoke. She hadn't failed to notice the looks of shock on the faces of her former teammates as the words registered. Now that Quinn was skipping, though, those questions fell to Santana and Brittany to answer, and, wow, would she ever love to be a fly on the wall for that.
It really was a shame about those two. Rachel wished she could somehow push her friends closer together without hurting Artie. The boy was sweet, really, and so happy and loving towards Brittany. He'd almost never made fun of Rachel, only tending to do so when others of the Glee club were talking about her. Usually Kurt or Mercedes, with their almost casual cruelty. It was something Rachel could relate to, having her fathers say nearly the same about her at one time or another. She disagreed, of course, citing her use of 'honesty' as an instrument to help others better themselves. Still.
And she was getting sidetracked, anyway. She was supposed to be thinking of a way to get Brittany and Santana together. Preferably without hurting Artie. Though, if she had to pick sides, her friends would always come first.
"What are you thinking about so hard?" Quinn asked from across the table in the library. They had moved there from the parking lot after watching some of the Glee clubbers walk past Quinn's parked car, shooting them questioning looks. They were probably trying to figure out how Quinn and Rachel, who'd admittedly seemed to hate each other before the Christmas holidays, had become such good friends in such a short time. Rachel was still trying to figure that one out, too. Speaking of Quinn, the blonde cheerleader had become noticeably more paranoid as her windows started to steam up from their breaths from talking so much. It was at that point that Rachel said she was cold and suggested they head to the library. Something like that would only lead to the wrong kinds of rumors (even if Rachel still wished they were right).
"How to get Santana to admit her feelings for Brittany," Rachel answered. "And then to somehow get them together without hurting Artie."
"Oh," Quinn said. She bit her lip a couple of times, tried to say something twice, then picked her book back up and started reading again.
"Oh?" Rachel asked back. "They're your two best friends, and all you have is 'oh'?"
"Yes," Quinn said, not looking up.
Rachel sighed. Cleary Quinn was going to be no help in the planning stages of her… planning. Maybe when said planning actually formed a viable strategy that they could then work out, she would be more helpful. Surely Quinn wanted her two best friends to be happy. Because, while Brittany might have been happy (or, happy enough, anyway) with Artie, Santana wasn't. It was only a matter of time before that unhappiness had her lashing out at others.
As it was, all that planning on Rachel's part led to exactly nothing. While she was getting to know Brittany and Santana better, she still had no idea why they even worked together. Santana was probably one of the meanest people she'd ever met while Brittany was definitely one of the nicest. Surely it couldn't just be an 'opposites attract' thing? And, okay, Santana wasn't mean to Brittany… or to Rachel anymore. But random people in the hall or fellow Glee clubbers or even her fellow Cheerios? She was a nightmare. Then again, maybe that's how they worked together. Maybe Brittany soothed her, softened Santana's rough edges.
Too much thinking while barely paying attention in classes had Rachel starting to become obsessed with this problem (as she occasionally tended towards), trying to figure out this 'couple' and their 'relationship'. She also knew she needed more 'intel' (and to stop using so many 'mental air quotes') and was now gladly looking forward to this weekend and spending time with Brittany. The tall blonde, as well as she knew people, could surely fill Rachel in on what she was missing in the 'Brittana' dynamic. It couldn't just be about the sex as Santana claimed, could it? Then again, Brittany's hands as they'd showered yesterday had been amazing. All soapy and talented as she'd helped Rachel get clean. And she had been willing to go further if Rachel had wanted her to. So… much… further…
"Okay, stop blushing, gnome," Santana said from beside her as they were leaving their second period class for lunch. "You're freaking me out."
This of course brought Rachel out of the completely inappropriate daydream she was having about Brittany and more shower time. God, she needed a boyfriend or girlfriend or… just someone! Quinn was out of the question. Going after Brittany would only lead to her violent murder courtesy of Santana. And Santana…? Rachel was still trying to figure out how to handle the Latina's personality on a regular basis, much less anything else. The only person that really left was-
"Christy!" Rachel said, surprised that her thoughts had somehow conjured the person to stand right in front of her. No, no, wait. She couldn't do that. Yet. And if she could, she surely wouldn't have made her look so angry. "What's wrong? You look-"
"What the hell, Rachel?" Christy nearly shouted in her face, causing Quinn and Santana to step up and put themselves between the two. "Missy slushees you so you have Quinn threaten her life? Seriously?"
"What?" Rachel asked, shocked. "I'd never- I didn't-" She turned to face Quinn who was glaring at Christy. "Quinn?"
"Oh, your bodyguard didn't tell you what she did to my sister?" Christy asked incredulously. "Yeah, apparently she told her that if she hurt you again that she'd make her kill herself like she accidentally did you. Maybe you should check the teeth on a bitch before you sic her on someone."
"I think you need to step off and take a breather, Chris," Santana said, stepping forward even further and effectively blocking the girl from Quinn and Rachel before things could get out of hand. "Rachel didn't know what Quinn was doing. Fuck, I was there, and I didn't even know what Quinn was going to do. Rachel was actually the one that asked us not to actually hurt your sister."
"So don't hurt her, but it's okay to emotionally scar her?!"
"Hey," Santana yelled back at her. "It was Missy starting that shit yesterday. We wanted a peaceful day."
"You wanted an example made!" Christy yelled. "Just like you always do! Did you know she's been trying to keep the guys that got kicked off the hockey team away from Rachel all morning? She's afraid if they try anything against Rachel that she'll be blamed. That her life will be ruined."
"Why would she-?" Rachel started to ask.
"Because that's what Quinn told her!" Christy yelled at Rachel. "If anyone in the school goes after you, Missy's being held personally responsible. For… what was it? 'Not spreading the word'? What kind of bullshit is that?"
Rachel was heartbroken as she looked over at Quinn. As much as she might dislike Missy for the bullying, she'd never wanted Quinn to bully her for Rachel's sake. She'd rather be bullied the rest of her life than have someone else take her spot. More than that, Quinn had threatened her life? No… She threatened to put her in the same place that Rachel had been. Sitting in the bathtub, holding a knife against her own wrists…
"Quinn?" Rachel said from beside her. "You didn't… You couldn't have…" But it was there on Quinn's face for all to see.
Almost on cue, Missy came running up to the four girls and Christy. "Quinn," she said, panting. "I swear to God I had nothing to do with this. I tried to talk them out of it, but they said they were… they were going to get some payback for getting kicked off the hockey team." Coming toward them from down the hall were the four hockey players from yesterday, each again holding one of the forty ounce slushees.
"Easy boys," Santana said, holding up her hands to try and get them to stop. "You don't want to do anything stupid here."
"This bitch got us kicked off the hockey team!" one of them said, motioning towards Rachel. "We just thought we'd turn yesterday into a daily event until… I don't know. The end of the year? Graduation?" The three other guys all smiled predatory smiles at this, excited by the idea.
"You got exactly what you deserved," Quinn said, HBIC face firmly in place. "You slusheed my friend, and against Coach Sylvester's orders. You knew the consequences."
"And she should have known the consequences, too," the same guy said. Rachel wanted to say his name was Steve or Stephen, maybe. "We're not afraid of you, Ice Quinn, or your insane coach." He brought his hand back like he was ready to throw his slushee, and Rachel braced for the icy impact.
"Wait!" Quinn yelled. They paused, and Quinn smiled her charming, manipulative smile. To Rachel, it looked a little like the Grinch did when he was coming up with his 'wonderful, awful idea'. The way her face went calm, her eyes narrowed, and that smile crept up her lips. "Stephen," she said, playing coy. "You're dating one of my girls, right? Casey Rouse? For about six months now, I believe. I guess you're done with her, then? And all the other girls in this school? Because none of them will have anything to do with you once I put the word out. That's going to make the next year and a half a long, cold, lonely winter with just you and your hockey buddies here. I'm sure you might be able to have sex again once you get into college."
"That's… you're lying," Stephen said. "Casey actually loves me. You don't have that kind of power."
"Don't I?" Quinn asked. "Let's find out together, shall we? Call Casey. She's probably in the lunchroom right now." Stephen looked worried, standing there, holding his cup. Rachel could tell he was internally debating the situation. After a moment, Quinn pulled out her phone. "You know what? I'll do it. Let's see…" She started flipping through her contacts. "Ah, Casey…" She hit connect, and then the speaker button, letting the rest of the group hear both sides of the conversation.
"Hello?" Casey asked, sounding confused.
"Hi, Casey," Quinn said, still sounding charming and polite with that layer of evil swimming just below the surface. "It's Quinn. I was hoping you could help me out with something."
"S-sure Quinn," Casey said, sounding nervous.
"See, I'm here with your boyfriend Stephen, and-"
"I swear, Captain, I had nothing to do with yesterday!" Casey blurted out before Quinn could ask anything else. "I promise! I didn't even know anything about it until I saw Jacob ben Israel's blog this morning."
"It's okay, Casey," Quinn assured her. "I'm not upset with you. I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're telling the truth, and that if you had known one of my friends were going to be slusheed that you would have told me." Then her voice dropped all sense of niceties, and that dangerous edge came to the surface. "Because if that wasn't the case, and you knew about it and didn't tell me, this conversation would be going a very different way. Do you understand me?"
"Y-yes, C-Captain," Casey said.
"Good," Quinn said, voice again pleasant with just the hint of the Ice Quinn lurking below. "Now, Casey, as I said, I'm standing here with Stephen, and he and his hockey teammates- well, I should say former teammates- are trying to slushee Rachel again."
"Oh, God," Casey said, still worried. "Captain… Quinn… I promise you I didn't know anything about this, either. I've barely seen Stephen all day. P-please don't blame me for this."
"Casey, you sound nervous," Quinn said. "Can I also assume then that you've heard what happened to Missy yesterday after she slusheed one of my friends?"
"Y-yes."
Quinn's eyes were on Missy, who also looked scared. "Good," she said, and nodded towards Missy who looked a little relieved. "And can I also assume then that you would hate for this same fate to happen to you? Because, you understand I could easily do the same to you. Worse, even, if I wanted to."
"Y… yes…" She sounded close to tears now.
"Good," Quinn said again. "And just for the record, I would hate to do it. You're a good Cheerio, Casey, and I'd have no problem recommending you to Coach Sylvester for that scholarship next year if you continue on as you have the last couple of years."
"Really?"
"Really," Quinn said, pausing to let that bit of hope sink in. Then her voice went back to the Ice Quinn. "But you should also know that I have no problem sacrificing you. For the good of the team, of course. And it would be a tragedy should you or anyone else… your boyfriend for example… cause me to change my opinion of your performances. Especially if who you're around causes you to get kicked off the team… or worse."
"I… I'm… I don't…" Casey stuttered before Quinn stopped her.
"It's okay, Casey," Quinn said, again pleasant. "Because what we have here is a rare opportunity to change that outcome. It's the same option I gave Missy yesterday. She either ended whatever petty grudge she had against Rachel, or I swore to ruin her life, utterly and completely. I think that's fair. Don't you?"
"Of-of course, Captain," Casey said. "Do you want… I mean, do I have to break up with Stephen?" All eyes were on the hockey player now as he stared at Quinn's phone, unbelieving.
Quinn stared at Stephen, tilting her head and seeming to think about it. After a moment, she said, "No. That won't be necessary. I think he sees where this is going. But, just in case he doesn't, I need you to convince him otherwise." Quinn paused, then, "Do you love him?"
"I do," Casey replied immediately.
Quinn smiled. "I'm glad. For both of you. So, for both of your sakes, I'm hoping you're convincing here. Hold on just a second, Casey." Hitting a button on her phone, Quinn cut off the speakerphone option and handed the phone to the former hockey player. "Someone would like to speak to you, Stephen."
Stephen stared at Quinn for a moment, took the phone, and said, "Hey, Casey." All eyes were on Stephen as they listened to his side of the conversation. Or, the few words he could get in, anyway. To Rachel, it was reminiscent of how Santana's mom had yelled at her over the phone in the mall. But Santana's mom was a fiery-tempered woman. If Casey was anything like that, and if Quinn could intimidate her this much, just how scary of a person did that make Quinn?
"What? No, I was just-"
"But she got me kicked-"
"I don't care if she's-"
"You would really-"
"But you said-"
After another long few minutes of him being yelled at through the phone, he said, "Fine. Fine, I will. I'm sorry, baby. No, I'll be right there. Okay, here she is," and handed the phone back to Quinn.
"Hi, Casey," Quinn said, this time refraining from pressing the speakerphone button.
As she spoke to Casey, Stephen turned to the rest of his former teammates and said, "Guys, I'm out." Turning to Rachel, he said, "Rachel, I'm sorry for slusheeing you yesterday and for calling you 'Suzy' and for trying to slushee you today."
"It's, um… it's okay," Rachel said.
"Cool," he said, turning and walking away while the rest of his former teammates looked on.
"Okay, thanks Casey," Quinn said. "No, I promise, nothing's held against you. I'll see you this afternoon at practice." She pressed the button on her phone, ending the call. Looking up, she stared at the other three guys. "Okay, so, anyone else still feel like slusheeing Rachel?"
Two of the three remaining guys held up their hands, admitting defeat, but the third just looked angry. "Whatever," he said. "Just because Stephen's pussy-whipped and these guys are just pussies doesn't mean I am." He brought his arm back, like he was about to throw the slushee at Rachel, but Brittany stepped in front of her.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Brittany said. "It's not nice and bad things will happen to you. Rachel's my friend, and I don't like people being mean to her."
"I don't care what you like or don't like, you retarded bitch," the guy said. "Now mo-" And that was as far as he got before the other two hockey players were slamming him up against the lockers behind him. "What the fuck!?"
"Dude!" one of them yelled in his face while they both held him back. "Don't talk about Brittany like that!"
He wasn't the only one getting held back, though. As soon as he had called Brittany retarded, Santana had lunged at him while Quinn and Brittany had thrown arms around Santana, just barely managing to hold her back. "Let me go! Let me go!"
"San," Brittany said, getting right beside her and speaking lowly in her ear. "He's new here this year, baby. He didn't know any better."
"Well he's going to fucking know now after I carve it into his ass!" Santana yelled.
"Baby, no," Brittany said. "I need you here, and they won't let you be here if you get expelled. Please just calm down. Calm… down…" And it actually seemed to be working as, after a minute, Santana was visibly starting to calm. After another few moments, once she was sure Santana was back closer to normal, Brittany let her go, though Quinn kept hands on her, just in case.
"Okay." Brittany went over to the hockey players. "So you're new here this year, so I'm not mad at you," she told the one still being held back by the other two. "Santana is, so I'd stay away from her, but I'm not and that's what matters. See, I'm, like, super popular here because people like me because I'm nice to everyone. Even your own teammates like me more than you. You should try being nice, too. It'll get you more friends that way. Friends that I have that you don't. A whole school of them, actually. Like, all the big scary football players and all the soccer players and even all the hockey players. Except you, I guess. Which, I'll be your friend, too, if you'd like. But you have to promise not to mess with Rachel or Missy or anyone else that I like. Because if you do, it'll make me sad and all those friends that I have that you don't will want to make me not sad, and that might mean beating you up. Not that I want that. I totally don't. I just want us to be friends. So, yeah. Leave them alone or bad things." Moving forward, she kissed the guy on the left on the cheek before moving over and kissing the guy on the right on the cheek. "Thank you, guys. You can let him go now. I think we're all cool here."
"Okay, Britts," the guy on the right said as they both let him go. The guy in the middle, just looked confused by the whole thing and walked off, muttering something about "crazy bitches at this school" while the other two followed him out.
"Wow," Santana said, looking at Brittany. "I've never seen you threaten anyone before, B."
"I don't like people fighting," Brittany said. "I didn't think angry boy would listen to Q's scary like everyone else did. I wanted to help."
They stood there in an awkward group for a moment before Missy said, "I'm sorry again, Captain. I tried to talk them out of it back in the lunchroom."
"I'm not mad at you, Missy," Quinn said. "You've done exactly what you were supposed to do. You're spreading the word that Rachel is off limits and what exactly will happen to them if they don't listen. And now this is sorted out with those puck-heads, so we're done here. You're free to go."
Missy started to walk off, but Christy shook her head and said, "She's free to go? That's it? Who the fuck do you think you are?"
Quinn turned to look at Christy, took a couple of steps forward until she was in her face, and said, "I'm your Cheerios Captain, Head Bitch in charge of this school, and the person looking after my friend here and keeping her from trying to kill herself again. Something that your sister made her want to do yesterday by having those four puck-heads slushee her with one hundred and sixty ounces of slushee. Now for someone that you claim to be interested in dating, I would have thought you'd have told your sister that Rachel was off limits and that there would be consequences if she was touched. Since you were clearly unable to do that, I did the job for you. Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are you? Don't you dare get in my face and question me with your bullshit accusations. Because I ended both of those confrontations- yesterday and today- with only a few threats and a few tears. There wasn't a punch thrown nor a life ruined, and I could have done both. Easily."
"You- You slapped her, though."
"After she tried to badmouth my daughter," Quinn came back eagerly. "And if she told you that, then I guess she told you everything. Good. Now I don't have to repeat myself. Because all that applies to you, too. You try me, Christy, and I will end you and the rest of your family with a swiftness and viciousness that you can't imagine. I will do it gladly, with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Because if that's what I have to do to keep my friends safe, to keep Rachel from ending her life, then it's worth it. Your life, your sister's, your cousin's- they're nothing to me."
Christy stood there staring at Quinn before saying, "You know, I always knew you were a bitch, Captain, but I had no idea you were this fucking crazy. You and Sue are a perfect match for each other." She turned on Rachel who stood there staring unbelieving at Quinn. "And you. You know, everyone I asked about you said you were a loser. Nice, though. It's a shame that Quinn's been rubbing off on you so much already." And she turned and walked off, pulling Missy by the arm with her.
"You didn't have to threaten her, Quinn," Rachel said once the other two were out of earshot. "That was… uncalled for."
"Uncalled…?" Quinn said, turning to Rachel and staring at her in disbelief. "I was doing this for you!"
"I didn't ask you to bully other people for me," Rachel said, looking at her like she didn't even know her. Like she was still that bully that made her life miserable. "And I never would have wanted you to threaten their lives for it. But… But to tell them you'd do the same thing to them as you did to me? After being around me for the past couple weeks, after seeing how hard everything's been? Is that what I am to you? A punishment? Something you can threaten other students with if they don't fall in line?" She paused, looking up into Quinn's eyes. "I'm… I'm actually ashamed to call you my friend right now."
Quinn started to say something, heartbreak clear on her face for a second before her expression hardened up. "Fine." She turned on her heel and walked off, Santana looking angrily at Rachel before following her.
Rachel watched as they made their way down the hall and out of sight, then slumped her shoulders and turned towards the cafeteria. She only managed to make it a step or two, though, before Brittany's arms were around her, one hand over her mouth. "Don't say anything and follow me. Please."
The tall blonde grabbed her hand and led her the same way Quinn and Santana had gone. She stopped herself and Rachel before turning the corner Santana and Quinn had turned. "Rachel," Brittany said. "That wasn't nice of you. You know Quinn hates bullying people, right?"
"Yeah, she seemed to hate it so much," Rachel said sarcastically. "It seemed so hard for her."
"It really, really was," Brittany said sadly. Before Rachel could respond, Brittany grabbed her unbraced wrist again and was pulling her, turning the corner Santana and Quinn had turned, then walking down the hall. She was looking around as she pulled Rachel, seemed to spot something, and then walked them over towards the bathroom.
Putting a finger to her lips telling Rachel to be quiet, she opened the door slowly, peaking her head into the bathroom. Rachel followed her in, noticing upon entering the sound of someone crying. Oddly enough, it sounded like Quinn. Stranger still, it sounded like Santana was comforting her.
"Shh… sweetie, it's okay," Rachel heard Santana saying. They stepped further into the bathroom, Brittany silently shutting the door behind them. From where she stood now, she could see Quinn was on the floor of the handicapped stall, facing the wall while Santana was holding her and trying to comfort her. "And don't say that. She doesn't think you're a monster. You know that, right?"
"Do I?" Quinn asked through her tears. "You saw that look on her face. Like she was scared of me? You know she's thinking it."
Santana was quiet for a long moment before she finally came back with, "Well, if she is then fuck her."
"San…"
"No, Q," Santana said, stopping her. "A 'monster' wouldn't feel bad about bullying. You're just doing what you have to. No more or less than you would do for me or Brittany. And you know I would do the same for you three in a second. And Brittany, in her own way, would, too. If Rachel can't get behind the idea of that, that we take care of each other, then yeah. Fuck her."
"San, you don't mean that."
"Don't tell me what I don't mean, bitch," Santana said, pulling back to look at Quinn. "I've seen you in here twice in two days now, puking your guts out after having to bully someone for Rachel's sake." Santana paused, taking a deep breath to keep from getting any angrier. "This school sucks, Q. We all know that. The jocks and Cheerios are bullies, the teachers don't care, Figgins won't do anything about either one. It's shit. And, okay, yeah, maybe we're part of the problem, but we didn't come up with this system. We inherited it coming in. We're just riding it out for another year and a half, and then we're gone. You're playing that system to keep a loser safe from the bullies."
"S, don't call her that."
"Hey, it's nothing personal," Santana said. "That's just what class she's in. By us taking her in, we're breaking all the rules that everyone knows. It's going to take a lot of threats and probably some violence before everyone gets the message. No one messes with…" At this time, Rachel's movement caught her eye and she looked up, seeing the two of them there. Her eyes went wide for a split second before she schooled her features again. "…Rachel."
Santana wrapped her arms around Quinn, pulling her in for a tight hug. Pointing towards the door, she mouthed to Brittany and Rachel 'Get the fuck out!' which they took as their cue to leave.
Hurrying down the hallway, they rushed to the cafeteria and grabbed two trays, getting in line and going through it as quickly as possible. If Santana and Quinn entered the cafeteria, they didn't want Quinn to think they had been listening in on their private conversation. Still, Rachel was thankful that Brittany had taken her in there. It was just confusing, though.
Quinn hated bullying? Where was all that hatred of it when she was doing it to Rachel freshman year? But bullying Missy, then Casey, had made her physically ill. Maybe it was a Cheerios thing? That couldn't be it, though. Surely Quinn wasn't shallow enough to only hate that she had to bully her Cheerios. This bullying had been way worse than what she had harassed Rachel with… in some ways, at least.
Freshman year and the first half of sophomore year, Rachel had hated coming to school every day. Every single day. After that first slushee, Quinn had started torturing Rachel for fun. Stealing her normal clothes during gym so she'd have to wear sweaty clothes the rest of the day. Stealing her homework and destroying it. Taking the lunches she brought to school and throwing it away or spilling something on it. That had been a favorite of Quinn's, it seemed. When she found out Rachel was a vegan, she had started bringing canned cat food to school, popping the top, walking by, and pouring the chicken or beef or tuna onto her special lunches her Dad had packed her. It was like a double insult, first with the dead animal ruining her appetite, but also by saying she wasn't human. That she was like some animal.
Quinn had sought out every day to ruin her life… until Beth. Once Quinn seemed to understand what it was like to have people hate her like they did Rachel, she had stopped. And with Quinn, so did most of the rest of the bullies. She wasn't off limits by any means, but they had followed their leader for the most part. Rachel had gone from being target number one to just another loser. It had been nice, sad as that was to think.
With Quinn getting pregnant with Beth, Rachel wanted to think she had changed. And she had changed towards Rachel, at least. But now Rachel was seeing this Quinn who could destroy lives or, God, try to make people kill themselves. And she wouldn't even be bothered by it? Then she saw Quinn vomiting in the bathroom because she was upset by it? It just didn't make any sense.
Rachel just couldn't resolve this Quinn that could ruin people's lives so easily and effortlessly with the same Quinn that had cried watching Finding Nemo. The one that forced her to take her pills because she cared about her. The one that had held her as they slept, even if unknowingly. The one that sang to her.
Santana came into the cafeteria alone, put eyes directly on Brittany and Rachel, and marched over there to where they sat surrounded by the rest of the Glee club juniors. "I'm just going to borrow these two for a minute," she said to the table at large, stopping all conversations. She turned and walked away.
Rachel and Brittany obediently followed, leaving their food behind. They made their way over to an empty corner of the cafeteria where Santana was waiting for them. Rachel was surprised when she rounded on Brittany. "What the hell, Britts?"
"Sorry," Brittany said. "But Rachel needed to see that."
"That was private and you know it," Santana said, poking her in the chest. "You had no right."
"I know," Brittany said, looking ashamed. "I just wanted to help."
Santana sighed, shaking her head. She then turned to Rachel. "And did it help?"
"I… I don't know…"
"You don't know what?" Santana asked, anger going from Brittany to Rachel. "You don't know what you saw? That was Quinn throwing up again for having to bully someone to keep your dumb ass safe at this school."
"I never asked her to that."
"No, you didn't," Santana said. "You never asked her to save your life, either, and yet that was a good thing, right?" When Rachel didn't say anything, Santana reached out and thumped her hard in the forehead.
"Ow!"
"Bitch, I am just about done with you," Santana said. "You need to decide, and soon, whether you want to be alive or not. Because I'm getting fucking sick of this. Yes, bitch, it was a good thing that she saved you and that you're still alive. You being too fucking stupid to realize that is something you need to deal with. And, like I said, soon. And since you're being so fucking dense right now, I'm going to help you out again. Quinn bullying others so you don't feel like snuffing your stupid little life out again is also a good thing. She hates it, but she's doing it to keep you alive."
"Yeah, she seemed to hate it so much when she was bullying me," Rachel said sarcastically. "I guess it's a good thing having Beth seemed to make her realize that bullying- OW!" Santana had again thumped her in the middle of the forehead, causing her to stop.
"Beth?" Santana asked. "Are you serious? You really think this is about that? You stupid, self-centered, ungrateful bitch. This isn't about her. This is about you. This started when- how did you so bluntly put it yesterday? When she found you 'laying in the bathtub bleeding to death'. She told me when she was threatening Missy, all she could see was your face. Like she was doing it to you all over again. Do you know how much that hurts her? It's making her physically ill having to do it, and you're standing here being judgmental as fuck. All, 'Oh, I don't know how I feel'. And she was still willing to do it because you were more important than that. It was killing her to do it yesterday- just like today in the hallway- and she was still willing to do it for you. And here's the kicker that you'll never, ever understand. She's doing this knowing how you feel about her bullying other people. She'd rather you hate her and be safe rather than like her until you die."
Rachel stood there in stunned silence, confused, unbelieving. She wanted to argue that it wasn't true, or maybe that it wasn't her fault, but Brittany put a hand on her arm, stopping her before she could start.
"Rach," Brittany said quietly. "Remember our talk yesterday? It's just like Jurassic Park. Out there in the hall? That was the dirt. In the bathroom, that was the bones."
Santana only stared, clearly confused, but Brittany had just explained it perfectly to Rachel. She was saying that the bullying, whether it had been the real Quinn or something she felt she had to do in the past, that it definitely wasn't the real Quinn now. The real Quinn was the one that was sitting on the floor of the bathroom crying in Santana's arms because she thought Rachel might hate her.
"Oh, no," Rachel said, looking around to see if Quinn was in there yet. "I have to go apologize. I don't want her making herself sick over having to defend me. She shouldn't have to-"
"No," Santana said harshly, putting a hand around her good wrist to make sure she stayed. "Quinn can never know that you saw her like that."
"What? Why?"
"She has a hard enough time opening up to people as it is," Santana said. "What you saw there was rare. She hates being weak, especially about this. About you. This is her penance, and she thinks she has to remain strong for you."
"But…" Rachel started. "She doesn't owe me any 'penance'. She apologized, and I forgave her."
"This isn't for you," Santana said. "This is…" She paused, thinking. "Do you know anything about Catholicism?"
"No."
"Well, you're not missing much," Santana said. "Cliff's notes: it's all about rules and guilt. And while Quinn may not be going to our church anymore, she couldn't be any more Catholic if her name was Sister Mary Margaret. So for everything she did to you, she feels like she has to make amends. And since there aren't enough 'Hail Mary's or 'Our Father's in the world, she's doing that by keeping you safe at school and making sure you don't off yourself again."
"But… but she doesn't have to," Rachel said. "I'm not her responsibility."
"To her, you are," Santana said. "So she has to be strong for you. Or, in her head, she can't be weak in front of you. Not about this."
"But that's… that's so… I don't want to say 'ridiculous', but…."
"Maybe it is," Santana said, shrugging. "But in Quinn's mind, that's part of her relationship to God. And that relationship to God is a major part of who Quinn is. Are you going to be the one to tell her that's stupid? That who she is is stupid?"
"No," Rachel said. "I'd never."
"Right," Santana said. "So we're never going to mention that you saw her in the bathroom crying over this, understand?"
It was Rachel's turn to sigh now. She'd been raised to be open and honest with the people she loved. For her to keep secrets like this… "I understand."
"Good," Santana said. She looked around the cafeteria, frowning. "Now since Q isn't here, I can only imagine that she's off somewhere moping because she thinks you hate her or are scared of her or something. And as you've got Art next with Brittany, that gives you an entire period to come up with some kind of apology that doesn't involve you mentioning a word about what you saw. Okay?"
"But if I can't say that, what am I supposed to say caused this sudden change of heart?"
"I don't know," Santana said. "Tell her you had time to think about it or something, realized that she was right in saving your ass here at school. That she was right in bullying those people."
"But she wasn't-"
"Look, I don't care how you actually feel about her threatening them," Santana said. "But you are going to apologize for that. And for saying you're ashamed of her. Do you know the last few people that said that to her by any chance?" Rachel only shook her head. "One was Coach Sue when she kicked her off the Cheerios. The other was her father when he kicked her out for getting pregnant. Now however you might have felt, I'm sure your intentions weren't to remind her of those two instances, but that's what you did. So you're going to make it up to her and apologize. You're going to say sorry, you're going to say she's right, and then you're going to keep your big nose out of her business so she can do what she needs to. Tell me you understand."
"I… I understand."
"Good," Santana said. "Now I would hope I don't have to tell you this, but you're a terrible liar. You know that, right?"
"What?" Rachel was mortified. "I'll have you know I'm an excellent actress. Our production of The Rocky Horror-"
"Hey!" Santana said, interrupting her with a finger curled in front of her forehead, causing Rachel to visibly flinch back. "I never said you were a bad actress. You're actually really good. I said terrible liar. You suck at coming up with something on the spot. So, as I was trying to say, take this next period to figure out what you're going to say to Q. Don't just try and wing it, or she'll spot you from a mile away. If you have to lie- which, fuck if I know why you would. If someone had my back like that, I'd be grateful. That's me, though, so whatever. But if you have to lie to her, you best come up with something now that you can practice. Don't try to lie your way through it."
"Fine."
Afterwards, Santana left the cafeteria, saying she was going to go find Quinn and see if she could help cheer her up. Brittany and Rachel made their way back to the Glee table where they were met with curious stares but no questions coming their way. They had all watched- as had most of the cafeteria- Santana angrily talking to both of them and could only speculate what that might have been about. Let them, as far as Rachel was concerned. They'd never guess the truth. Rachel could barely believe it.
Quinn was doing all of that for her. She was making herself sick with guilt. She was threatening people's lives. She was making amends for hurting Rachel. Yet, at the same time, it was like she was punishing herself for doing it, too. She felt bad for Quinn. And, yes, on some level she was thankful for Quinn, too. She was doing something she hated for Rachel to make her life better or easier or maybe just to keep it going a little longer. It seemed like something her dads would do.
Thinking about her dads made Rachel think about Quinn's dad. He'd said he was ashamed of Quinn? For being pregnant? It was just a mistake. How could someone be ashamed of that? How could someone kick her out for that? What kind of person was that? He couldn't be anything like her own dads. Her Dad would have protected her and sheltered her and made her feel loved while her Daddy would have- Rachel paused, mid-thought with the brush held in her hand in Art class. The shock of the realization made her unable to move.
Quinn cared about her. She was just showing it in a more protective way like her Daddy would have done. Leroy would have threatened anyone that would dare hurt Rachel, much less someone that had her covered in slushee. He would have been murderous. Maybe his words wouldn't have been as cutting as Quinn's had been, but they'd have been just as dangerous. And just like Quinn, he wouldn't have been happy that he had to do it. It would have hurt him to go back to that bully he used to be back in high school. Still, he would have done it for her. Because he loved her. Just like Quinn. Maybe it wasn't the kind of love she wanted from her, but it was still love. Quinn really did care about her!
The smile that lit up her face caused Brittany to look over. "What?"
"Nothing," Rachel said, trying to keep her grinning to a minimum. "I just realized that Quinn actually cares about me."
"Well, duh," Brittany said. "Why else would she do all that for you?"
Rachel stared at Brittany. After a moment, she just said, "Well, we can't all be as smart as you are, Brittany. I guess it takes time for the rest of us to figure stuff out."
"Don't worry," Brittany said, patting her on the head and smiling. "You'll get there eventually."
They finished up in Art class, and Brittany walked Rachel to her A.P. English class. They found an impatient looking Santana standing outside and tapping her foot, looking back and forth down the hall until she saw them and walked over.
"What?" Rachel asked immediately. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Santana said, looking relieved now that Rachel and Brittany were there. "Just having flashbacks from yesterday, I guess. I worry about your dumb ass, Berry."
"Thanks?"
"Don't mention it," Santana said. "Did you figure out what you were going to say to Q?"
"I, um… I was going to thank her actually," Rachel said. "And apologize. You were right."
"I usually am."
They went inside to where Quinn was already sitting, drawing in her sketchbook. As Rachel walked over, Quinn put it away, glancing up for a moment at Rachel before looking away.
"Quinn," Rachel said, sliding into the seat beside her. The blonde looked over at her, her face an emotionless mask. It hurt Rachel to see her like that. The same as she guessed it must have hurt Quinn for Rachel to look at her like she was scared of her. Would they ever stop hurting each other?
"Quinn, I just wanted to apologize," she said, taking Quinn's hand that lay on the desk. At least Quinn let her instead of pulling away as she had every right to do. "I'm sorry for what I said to you in the hallway. I thought about it, and what you're doing, it's no less than what my Daddy would do. He was a bully back when he was in high school, and I don't hold that against him now. I also realize that whatever he would do to protect me now wouldn't be him bullying, it would just be him protecting me. Just like you're doing. And just because I've seen you do both doesn't mean they're the same thing. What you're doing is the right thing to do, even if I don't like it. So I'm sorry that I said that you were wrong and that I was ashamed of you. I'm not. I'm proud to have you as my friend."
Quinn removed her hand from Rachel's grip, not saying a word. Reaching over for her books, she pulled her sketchbook from underneath her textbook, opened it back up, flipped through a couple of pages, and tore out an unfinished page. She folded the page in half and slid it over to Rachel just as the teacher walked in and called the class to attention.
Rachel opened the paper and stared at it, reading the words written there, taking in the unfinished swirling border that Quinn had painstakingly drawn, inked, and shaded. In a beautiful calligraphic script, it read:
"Be Soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let people make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still find it to be a beautiful place. –Kurt Vonnegut"
After Rachel had read it a couple of times, she looked up at Quinn who was watching her out of the corner of her eye. Quinn leaned over and whispered, "Please don't ever agree that what I'm doing is right. Necessary, but not right. You're better than I am. And I'm okay playing the monster as long as you're still alive."
"Quinn, I'm-" Rachel started to say, apparently too loudly as she was silenced by a look from the teacher. It was fine. She'd have a chance to talk to Quinn during study hall.
Except she didn't. As soon as the class was over, Quinn took off, telling Santana that coach needed to speak to her and to look after Rachel. Santana, Rachel, and Brittany all made their way to the library and worked on homework while Rachel worried over Quinn. God, Rachel had screwed up so much. Quinn thought she hated her or thought she was a monster or something. Even Rachel's apology didn't seem to change that. Okay, so maybe she didn't get a chance to talk to her during study hall, but at least she'd get a chance to talk to her after Cheerios practice.
Cheerios practice came much as it had the week before, just a shorter version than the all-day training she had been witness to. Still, the girls worked for two hours while Rachel sat there reading. Throughout the time, she kept looking up, finding different girls and watching them. Quinn, of course. Brittany and Santana. She even picked out Missy and watched her for a bit. And every now and then, Rachel's eyes fell on Christy. The tall dark-haired girl had a strange look on her face every time she locked eyes with Rachel. Like she was thinking really hard about something. It was such a refreshing change from Finn's 'deep thought' look that Santana had said was so reminiscent of a 'constipated toddler'. Rachel giggled a little at that before chastising herself over it. So mean.
After practice, Quinn came over and sat down beside Rachel while the rest of the girls went to shower. They sat there in silence for a few minutes as all the girls filed out of the gymnasium and into the locker room.
Eventually, Quinn said, "So I had a talk with Christy during study hall."
"You said you were going to see Coach Sylvester," Rachel said.
"Yes, well, I lied," Quinn said. "And before you say anything, I was actually talking to Santana, so I didn't lie to you."
Rachel started to argue but stopped herself. Damn. She had a point. Instead of arguing, Rachel crossed her arms and said, "Well I don't like that loophole at all."
Quinn smiled at that, and Rachel was just glad she was actually smiling at something. It was funny how their positions had changed so quickly.
"So I talked to Christy," Quinn started again. "Apparently she didn't know Missy had been bullying you for the past year. Not that she forgave what I did, but I think it made things a little better between us. She was pissed off at Missy and threatened to tell their parents, but I stopped her. I think Missy's bullying days are at an end. And if they're not, they will be."
"That's… nice of you," Rachel said.
"Thank you." Quinn was silent for a minute, and Rachel didn't interrupt. It was clear there was more she had to say, but she was building up to it, letting the dramatic tension increase. It was something Rachel could appreciate, even if she hated it. She was too impatient for other people to do this very often.
Finally, Quinn said, "I also told her that she should ask you out."
Rachel started to speak but stopped herself, staring at Quinn open-mouthed. That wasn't what she was expecting to hear. Eventually, Rachel said, "I… I appreciate what you're doing, but I don't think I'm… you know, ready to start dating someone else. I mean, I just broke up with Finn-"
"Almost two months ago," Quinn finished for her. She stared hard at Rachel, gauging her, something she apparently either learned from or had in common with Sue Sylvester. In a quieter voice, she asked, "If I were to ask you out on a date, right now, would you go out with me?"
"What?" Rachel asked, again taken aback. "I'm… I mean, you're not… if you were-"
"If the answer is anything but yes, I'll tell Christy that you're not ready to date anyone," Quinn said solemnly. "But if you're somehow holding out for the hope that I'll change my mind, change who I am, and that I'll ask you out…? Don't. It's never going to happen, Rachel."
Rachel sighed, looking down at the floor. Had she been doing that? Did Quinn know her that well already? And where was this even coming from? "Quinn, why are you telling me this? Why do you care if I go out with Christy or pine after you or anything? Why does it matter to you?"
"Because I don't want you to keep looking at me like that," Quinn said, causing Rachel to look away just in case she had been looking at her 'like that'. "I want you to be with someone that can love you, and that's never going to be me. I'll always be your friend, but you… you deserve to like someone that likes you back. Someone better than me. I'm… I'm a horrible person, Rachel, and-"
"You're not. You're noble and brave and-"
"Willing to make someone kill themselves," Quinn said, stopping Rachel's protests. "Whatever opinion you have of me, whatever you think I am… don't. I'm not some kind of… I'm not a hero."
"But you saved me."
"Because I didn't want to be responsible for your death," Quinn said. "And I clearly can't be responsible for your happiness. You deserve to be happy. That's never going to be me. But it could be Christy. Go out with her. She's one of the nicest people I know, aside from Brittany. And you. She could make you happy."
"I am happy," Rachel said, causing Quinn to arch a questioning eyebrow at her. "Well, okay, not 'happy', but… happy enough."
"'Happy enough' shouldn't be enough for you," Quinn said. "Don't settle for that. Don't settle for liking me and never having it returned. Just… just go out with her. I think she'll make you happy. I… I can't."
Before Rachel could say anything else, Quinn rose from the bleachers. Looking towards the locker room, Rachel could see the Cheerios starting to return, freshly showered and in normal clothes. Rachel watched as Quinn and Christy made eye contact, a point of acknowledgement if nothing else. She also saw that Quinn stopped Santana and Brittany from coming over, saying something to them before disappearing into the locker room.
"Rachel Berry," Christy said as she came over, looking almost serious. "I'd first like to say I'm sorry for blaming you for things at lunch. Quinn cleared some things up for me. She explained to me that you knew nothing about what she was going to say to Missy and would have tried to stop her if you had. I also didn't know that Missy had been bullying you since last year. I'm sorry for that. I should have known she was doing something, but… It's so easy to believe your sister is a nice person when you don't see the horrible things she's doing, I guess. So I'm sorry for her, too. She won't be doing anything like that again."
"Thank you," Rachel said, though she had no doubt Missy's lack of bullying would be from her fear of Quinn more than that of her sister.
"I just hope you don't judge me too harshly on the actions of my sister," Christy said.
"I haven't yet," Rachel said. "I didn't plan to start now."
"Cool," Christy said. "Thank you." They stood there in awkward silence for a moment, Christy scratching at the back of her neck. It reminded Rachel of Finn in that moment, and she had to wonder if it was just hard to ask her out or if everyone seemed to be nervous asking someone out. Rachel had actually never done it before. That would have to change at some point, though, if she were ever to date many women. Surely she couldn't always be the 'girl' in every lesbian relationship she had. And, ugh, that term, 'being the girl', was so close-minded that she chastised herself for a moment… though, that could be partially nerves as Christy was currently staring at her with a bemused expression on her face.
"So where did you just get lost to?" Christy asked.
"Nowhere," Rachel said, then shook her head, changing her mind. "Actually, that's not true. I was wondering if everyone gets nervous the same way when asking me out as you are currently reminding me of Finn." Christy's eyes went wide at the knowledge that she already knew of her plans to ask her out, but Rachel just plowed on ahead, talking way too fast out of nerves again. "Then I was thinking that I've never been the one to ask someone out, and how that would have to change if I ever dated many girls. I was thinking I can't always be the 'girl' in the relationship. Then I chastised myself for thinking in terms of 'being the girl' in the relationship, and then you asked me what I was thinking about."
Rachel paused momentarily, taking a deep breath. "So what I've decided just now as I was saying all that is that Quinn was right, and I should give you a chance, and that maybe I should even ask you out, but as you're clearly older and have actually given this hypothetical date more than the few minutes thought that I have, I'm still going to let you ask me out. But if it's any relief, I'm going to say yes. If you're still interested of course. Which, seeing as I've been rambling the last minute or so, you're probably not all that interested in-"
Rachel was silenced by a finger to her lips from a chuckling Christy. After it was clear Rachel wasn't going to talk anymore, Christy said, "Rachel, if you're interested, I would really like to take you out on a date. This Friday."
Rachel looked excited for a minute before her face fell. "I can't."
Christy paused. "Well that was unexpected."
"No, I meant, I'm supposed to be spending the weekend at Brittany's house," Rachel said. "I already told her I would and everything, and I can't tell her 'no' now."
"No, yeah, I get it," Christy said. "She's like a sad puppy when you tell her no."
"Exactly," Rachel agreed. After a moment, she said, "I know it isn't the typical 'date night', but how about tomorrow night? I'm not exactly sure I'm ready to be out publicly- not that I'm ashamed of being bisexual! Not at all! My dads would kill me if they thought that I thought that. It's just… easier if no one knows until there's actually something to know. You know?" God, Rachel, say the word 'know' one more time, please? "I'd hate to make Quinn's life harder, giving the school something else to hate me for so she has to-" With a wide-eyed look at Christy she stopped herself, realizing she was about to mention Missy's 'talk' with Quinn.
"It's fine, Rachel," Christy said. "I mean, it's not okay what she did, but… I get it now. And Thursday sounds great." She looked over to where Missy and Meghan were waiting by the door, looking over at them talking. "Well, I should go. Text me tonight and we'll work out the details for tomorrow."
She reached out and pulled Rachel into a hug that saw Rachel stiffen up for a split-second before she forced herself to relax. Quinn trusted Christy. So did Santana and Brittany. And she must be a decent person if Brittany trusted her enough to recommend them dating. Still, it was… odd… being held by this new person, even if it only lasted a moment. Not that it was bad, just… new. Then again, since she'd woken up in the hospital, so many things had been new, and most of them had worked out for the best.
Christy smiled and walked off, making sure to touch Rachel's hand once before she did, like a reminder. It was sweet.
"So, what was that all about, Berry?" Santana asked, walking up, though the smirk on her face was a dead giveaway that she already knew. The giant smile on Brittany's face said that the taller blonde knew exactly what that was about, too.
"I… um… I have a date tomorrow night."