Author's Note: Okay, shorter chapter because what I was writing started getting long so I cut it into two parts. Read, enjoy, all that jazz. Drop a review if you're so inclined. The next chapter should be out soon since a big chunk of it is written already. Until then…
Brittany, Rachel, and Quinn all got out of Quinn's car and started making their way across the parking lot. It was way past what Rachel would classify as "romantically cold". To her, certain situations were made even more romantic by the addition of cold weather. Or nighttime. Sometimes both. But that was only within a certain temperature range, and, right now, it was far too far below that. This was "huddling together for survival" temperatures, and so they made their way towards the gymnasium.
The only reason she was thinking of this now was that neither Christy nor Santana had shown up yet, and Rachel had the urge to wait outside in the parking lot for both of them. Christy, she wanted to greet with a morning kiss and another apology of how she was sorry she hadn't been able to go to the party last night. Her dads still didn't really want her unsupervised or, worse, drinking. She couldn't mix alcohol, a natural depressant, with her antidepressants. They might cancel each other out or make her more depressed or who knows what. Her assurances that she wouldn't drink didn't really help. They'd put their foot down and weren't budging. Christy hadn't really seemed to mind besides being a little bummed out, and Rachel had promised to take her out the next day to make up for it.
Rachel was feeling a little guilty towards Christy, too. She looked over at Quinn who smiled at her, and Rachel returned it. She had been emotional last night with Quinn, even after she'd watched out the window as Shelby drove away. That was the reason she had asked Quinn to stay the night in her bed and not the guest room. Not because of anything else. Quinn was straight. Rachel was dating another girl. Nothing was ever going to happen between them. Still, as she'd woken up again being held in Quinn's arms, being spooned by her, she couldn't help but wish things were different.
It wasn't fair to Christy, but they were just dating. She wasn't her girlfriend. They weren't in a relationship. They were just enjoying spending time with each other. So Rachel wasn't going to worry about crushing on Quinn. She was just having fun with Christy, even if Christy was the sweetest, most caring person Rachel had ever dated. Even if Rachel lit up every time she saw Christy. Even if she loved spending all her free time talking to her or texting her. It wasn't like… it wasn't… Oh, poop. I'm falling for Christy, and I have a crush on Quinn! Stupid!
Rachel smacked a gloved hand to her forehead.
"Rachel?" Brittany asked while Quinn frowned at her from the other side. "You okay?"
"Yes," Rachel said, scratching her forehead to cover. "Just an itch."
The other reason she was thinking of staying outside was because of Santana.
Quinn had promised not to take her anger out on Santana, but Rachel didn't. Maybe Brittany didn't think Rachel needed to because she was still scared of Santana. And to be honest, a little part of her still was. The main reason she didn't promise the same thing, though, is because while Quinn would have tortured her in front of the other Cheerios, Rachel could yell at her in private. Santana didn't need public humiliation. That would just push her in the wrong direction. No, she needed someone to do for her what Santana had done for Rachel. Get her to see the truth.
Still, she couldn't do it out here. It was somewhere in the negatives.
Christy arrived a few minutes later. Rachel had been watching the door while on the periphery of some Cheerio conversation that Brittany and Quinn were having with a couple of the other cheerleaders. Rachel still wasn't part of the group, not really, but she was allowed to be there. It was reminiscent of the Glee club, actually. Tolerated, but not wanted.
Christy was flanked by Missy and Meghan as always, though Rachel was getting along with them better, too. Meghan was actually kind of nice once she started opening up in Art class. Having Brittany there as a buffer worked wonders for the three of them getting along. And with Missy, now that she got Finn, apparently she was satisfied and had no kind of problem with Rachel. No more than the rest of the Cheerios did, anyway.
They still weren't part of the same world, not really. The Cheerios were like wolves with Quinn, Santana, and Brittany as their alpha females. Rachel was like the baby sheep the three had adopted. Everyone still looked at her like they could and would eat her at any time if not for those three. Still, Rachel hoped that with enough time that she would be actually accepted by them.
Rachel waited as Christy came to her. She wanted to be the kind of girlfriend that ran and jumped into her arms, wrapping her legs around her and kissing her for all she was worth, but she couldn't. She wasn't even her girlfriend. They were just dating. Hanging out, making out, having fun. Though she did start smiling brighter as Christy walked over.
"Hey you," Christy said, leaning down and kissing Rachel. Rachel reached out and grabbed the collar of the taller girl's letterman jacket just as she started to pull away, pulling her down into the kiss and deepening it. Christy's hands had been in the pockets of her jacket so she opened it up, wrapping it and her arms around Rachel. After a minute, Rachel pulled back, wrapping her arms around Christy inside the jacket. "So warm," Christy hummed, as Rachel pressed her face into Christy's neck and chest.
"Aw, were you cold?" Rachel asked, nuzzling further into her.
"Freezing," Christy said, kissing the top of Rachel's head. "But you're my little space heater." Christy squeezed Rachel tighter and groaned. "Can we just skip practice and stay like this?"
"I think Quinn would probably have you strung up," Rachel said. "Isn't that right, Qui-" but the girl in question had already walked away to talk to some of the other Cheerios across the gym. Brittany, who was still there, just shrugged.
After a few minutes of holding each other and talking about Puck's party, for which Rachel again apologized that her dads hadn't let her go, she remembered she was supposed to be waiting for Santana. Rachel pulled back and looked around, but the Latina was nowhere to be found.
It wasn't until they were stretching and getting ready to start their morning run- today in the gym because of the temperature- that Santana finally made her way in. She nodded at Christy and Rachel- who were helping each other stretch- and to Quinn but ignored Brittany completely. It was so unusual that anyone that noticed started looking back and forth between Santana and Brittany. Girls kept staring until Santana finally snapped at a freshman and yelled at her so hard she visibly shrunk away. After that, everyone kept their eyes down.
The run was the usual Five Step, and Rachel stayed at the front of the pack with Quinn and Brittany. Santana, already pissed off from people staring, chose to stay near the back of the pack and scream at anyone that was lagging behind. Two girls were in tears by the time they were done running, and a third seemed to be having some kind of panic attack.
As they were stretching to cool down, Rachel went over to Quinn who had gravitated away from her, Brittany, and Christy. "You know how I go take a shower now while you all practice?" Rachel asked so low that only Quinn could hear her. They both had eyes on Santana who had walked over to a blue hanging tarp and was punching it out of frustration while she cursed in Spanish. Quinn nodded. "And you know how that first practice Santana sent Christy to come bring me more towels?" Again Quinn nodded, though the muscles in her neck visibly tightened. "Can you… can you maybe send Santana this time?"
Quinn turned to stare at Rachel. "I really don't think that's a good idea, Rach." Christy started to come over to where they were talking, but Quinn held up a hand stopping her. Christy shot a questioning look to Rachel, but she just smiled in return, letting her know everything was okay. "Santana's clearly not in the best mood right now, and there's no telling what she might do."
"I know," Rachel said. "But I don't' think she'd hurt me, if that's what you're worried about. I just want to talk to her. I want to try to help her." Quinn didn't say anything, looking over at Santana again who was just standing there staring up at the rafters of the gymnasium while the rest of the Cheerios gave her a wide berth. "Please, Quinn. She's… she's been nice to me the past few weeks, and I just want the opportunity to return the favor."
Quinn stayed silent a minute before sighing. "Fine. But if she yells at you or makes you cry or anything, I'm going to ride her like she's my new horse and it's my job to break her."
Rachel grinned. "What is it Santana would say? Wanky?"
"Shut up," Quinn said, pushing Rachel and smiling at her. "Go shower, Berry. You're starting to stink up my gym."
"You know you love me," Rachel teased, reaching out and poking her in the ribs, causing Quinn to laugh before quickly covering it up. Drawing in closer, she lowered her voice and said, "Big spoon."
Quinn's eyes widened and she blushed, pushing Rachel away again. "Oh my God, shut up! That was a one-time thing."
"Two-time," Rachel said, grinning again. Again Rachel went right over to Quinn and whispered so only she could hear her. "I know it ruins your considerably fearsome reputation, Quinn, but you shouldn't be embarrassed that you like to cuddle. It's seriously very cute. Adorable even. And it's not like you're the only one. You should have seen me and Brittany when I slept over at her house. Her mom even took pictures."
"I don't… I'm not adorable, Berry" Quinn whispered harshly, though Rachel wasn't fazed by it.
"Little bit, Fabray," Rachel said, holding out her thumb and forefinger. When Quinn started to huff and fluster again, Rachel walked away laughing. She walked to Christy who just looked confused, but Rachel calmed it with a long kiss and said, "Unholy Square business" before she walked away again.
Her shower was well-deserved, though quick. Rachel didn't know when Santana would come in, or even if she would come in, but she wanted to be ready. Eventually, though, the belligerent girl did come into the locker room, arms crossed and looking angry.
"What do you want, Berry?" Santana asked, going over to lean against the lockers. She kicked one foot up behind her and pressed the sole of her sneaker against the locker, looking impatient.
"What do you mean?" Rachel asked, drying her hair with one towel while wrapped in another.
"Q said you wanted to talk to me," Santana said, staring down at her nails rather than at Rachel. "Well, no, she actually told me to come in here and make sure you hadn't drowned to begin with. When I kindly suggested that the bitch go search for her pet hobbit by herself and to leave me the fuck alone, that's when she told me that you wanted to talk." She finally looked up at Rachel. "So talk."
"I, um…" Rachel managed to get out. She had been preparing this big speech, this yelling session towards Santana much like she had given Rachel and Brittany in the cafeteria after witnessing Quinn throwing up in the bathroom, but nothing was coming. This was so much harder than Santana made it look. "Uh… Brittany… she um… she told us what happened last night."
"Ugh." Santana turned to go, clearly not wanting to talk about it.
"Wait!" Though she didn't as Rachel watched her walk towards the doorway, put one hand on the door handle and pull it open. She needed to stop her or else Santana might do something out there that she couldn't take back. She could yell and scream at the other Cheerios, even Quinn, but if she yelled at Brittany again then Quinn was going to punish her. This might even break up the Unholy Square. "I can help you get her back!"
Okay, that got her attention. Santana stood there, door slightly opened, seemingly waging some kind of internal battle for whether she wanted to listen to whatever Rachel had to say or not. And what was that, anyway? She could help Santana get her back? What on earth was she thinking? She didn't know any way for Santana to get Brittany. Brittany was her friend, and it was true they had gotten a lot closer in the last few weeks, but did she really know how to get Santana to win her over? Steal her from Artie? Was that even the right thing to do?
Santana let the door go, closing it, and marched back over to Rachel, staring her down. "Listen here, baby gay. Just because you're all out and proud now doesn't mean you know shit about relationships. That 'on again, off again', 'will they, won't they' abortion of a relationship you have with Finn is so tiresome that everyone was glad to see you 'go girl' for a while just so they wouldn't have to picture the nauseating physical impossibility of you two having sex. And the one before- or was that during? That ended with a parking lot omelet shampoo. So excuse me if I don't take any kind of dating advice from you. That being said, I was clearly drunk last night and had no clue what I was saying. A relationship with Brittany? I don't know what I was thinking. I'm probably not even gay. I mean, it was just sex with her."
Rachel, despite the assault on her past relationships, knew what she saw in Santana's face. A determination not to love someone. It was the same look Rachel got when she thought about Quinn. Or Christy, for that matter. She was surrounded by girls she wasn't supposed to fall in love with. What was she even doing giving relationship advice?
Another thought hit her then, though. Thinking about 'looks' people got, Rachel was reminded of a 'look' Brittany got. It was special and beautiful. It was true love just like she'd always seen on her parents. It was the look that Brittany got whenever she talked about Santana. Not the Santana that everyone else knew. The Santana only she knew. The one Brittany had told her about during their sleepover and made Rachel swear not to ever tell anyone about, not even Santana. Especially Santana. It was that version of the Latina Brittany loved.
The Santana that held her hand when they crossed the street because Brittany was easily distracted. The Santana that had taken her to the pond in the park to feed ducks. The one that had serenaded her in bed on her birthday. The one that made sure she studied for classes and got good enough grades to stay on the Cheerios when most everyone else had been blocked for academic ineligibility last year. That was the real Santana. And it was clear to everyone that they were in love except, maybe, to themselves.
"So you don't love her, then?"
Santana stared at her for a moment longer before diverting her eyes. "No."
Rachel continued staring at the Latina, but Santana was refusing to face her now. Eventually Rachel just sighed and went back to sit on the bench she had been on before Santana came in. Maybe she could try a different angle.
Taking the towel down, she shook her hair out and started drying it, running the big, soft towel through her locks. "You know, when I was going to kill myself, I wrote all the important people in my life letters to let them know why or to say I'm sorry." She looked over to Santana who was still staring at the floor. "The one I wrote to my fathers was to say that I was sorry for being born. I thought that maybe if I wasn't there, that they wouldn't have had as much trouble as they did in their lives. They wouldn't have had to settle back here in Lima, Ohio because they thought they should try to reconnect with my Dad's family for my benefit. They could have traveled the world or lived somewhere nicer, more accepting. Their lives haven't been easy living here in this kind of environment. Lima's not exactly welcoming of their 'choices'." She made air quotes around the word, thinking back to her ridiculous argument with Quinn. "I've seen them deal with hatred all my life. So I get it."
"Get what, exactly?" Santana asked, finally looking up at Rachel.
"Being scared to be out," Rachel said simply. "I mean, my dads are gay. It's pretty much expected of me by some people. They can just pass on the hate they've felt for my fathers to me. But you? You're from a 'good, Christian family'. Your parents 'raised you right'." Again she used air quotes to point out the absurdity of the phrases. "You're not supposed to be gay. Or if you are, it's supposed to be a rebellious or experimental phase. In college maybe. Not now. And definitely not here where everyone can see you."
"You… you don't know what you're talking about, Berry."
Rachel sniffed, drawing in the breath and holding it before letting it go again. She shrugged. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. Maybe you're straight, maybe it was just sex, and Brittany is breaking her heart over you for nothing like I am for Quinn and-"
"Ha!" Santana barked out the laugh, sounding cruel. "Yeah. I'm just as straight as Quinn is. Fucking hypocrite." The last part Santana mumbled to herself, but Rachel caught it… though she wasn't sure she actually understood it. How was Quinn a hypocrite, exactly? That didn't even make sense. No matter. She put it aside to think about later.
When it looked like Santana wasn't going to talk anymore, Rachel continued. "As I was saying, maybe Brittany is breaking her heart over you for nothing. But she's not going to do it forever. This thing with Artie… she loves him, but not like she loves you. But one day, she's going to find someone to love just like she loves you right now. And if it's a woman she loves, she's going to have to face the rest of Lima- the rest of the world- just like my dads have. Not just her, but Ashley and Mr. and Mrs. Pierce, too for 'raising her that way'. And I'll stand by her side, but we both know I'm about as helpful as Play-Doh in situations like that. And I'm sure Quinn will be there for her, too." Rachel paused, letting that sink in. "But you won't. Because, just like now, you won't be able to see her with another person. Especially another woman. And losing you is going to hurt her forever."
Rachel watched Santana closely as her words got to the girl. She knew she was right. Santana just needed to see the truth of the matter. The Latina's shoulders drooped as she went over to the bench Rachel was sitting on, landing hard on it.
"It doesn't matter," she said. "Britt's with Artie. I asked her to leave him and she said she wouldn't. She's made her choice. She wants him."
"No, she wants you," Rachel assured her. "She just…" but she trailed off. That was something Brittany had told her in privacy. In this very room as a matter of fact. She couldn't just blurt out her secret to Santana, could she? That would be a major violation of Brittany's trust, and friends didn't do that. She didn't even have many yet she knew that.
After a minute, Santana said, "She just… what?"
"I can't tell you." Rachel sat on her hands, the towel for her hair now hanging around her shoulders.
"What do you mean you can't tell me?" Santana asked, anger starting to rise again.
"Brittany told me in private, and it would be wrong of me to betray her trust," Rachel said. Then a thought hit her. "But! If you were to guess what I wasn't saying, that wouldn't be any kind of betrayal, right?"
"Berry, I'm seriously not in the mood for any kind of bullshit guessing game," Santana nearly growled.
"Ask me to be your girlfriend," Rachel said, ignoring Santana.
"What! Berry," Santana said, looking at the clock on the wall. "I don't have time for-"
"Just ask me!" Rachel nearly yelled.
"Fine!" Santana actually did yell. Gritting her teeth, she asked, "Berry, would you be my girlfriend."
"I can't," Rachel said, using her considerable acting skills to look and sound sad about it. "I already have a girlfriend. Well, sort of." Then, Rachel exchanged her sad voice for an airheaded voice. "And do you know, like, the best part of dating Artie? Oops. Tee-hee. I mean Christy?"
Santana stared at her wide-eyed, looking flabbergasted. "Is that… is that seriously your Brittany impression. I thought you were supposed to be good at this."
"I am," Rachel said, scowling now but again in her normal voice. "I haven't had any time to prepare. Anyway," she shook her good hand in the air like that could wave away the Latina's complaint, "that's not important. Just say 'no, what?'."
With gritted teeth, Santana echoed back a "No, what?"
Going back into her 'Brittany' voice, Rachel said, "The best part of dating Artie- oops. Tee-hee. I mean, Christy- is that when we go out, people know we're on a date. They see us and they know we're a couple. There's not a question of 'are they just friends or are they dating?' She kisses me in public and holds my hand and it's romantic. And, stuff," she added for good measure because, for a moment there, she had forgotten and fallen back into being Rachel. "Artie- oops. I mean Christy. Tee-hee-"
"Please, for the love of God, stop doing that."
"Artie- oops. I mean Christy. Tee-hee," Rachel said even louder, "-is my girlfriend. And everyone knows. I don't have to question if she's ashamed of me."
This caught Santana unaware. "I've never been ashamed of-" she started angrily, attempting to rise before Rachel caught her wrist.
"I know!" Rachel rushed out. "But to someone else, it might feel that way. Especially if you've got other things that you might have insecurities about. Like- oh, I don't know- that you're not as smart as everyone else and that the people around you constantly know stuff that you don't. For a completely random example. And if the person that you love that you're not sure loves you back asks if you can have sex again after she's told you she doesn't want to be in a 'secret from everyone you care about' relationship with you, you might start to think she was only in it for the sex and that might make you feel even dumber. Again, for a completely random example."
Rachel let go of Santana as she watched the realization of what she had done, what she had asked, sink in. "Fuck," Santana said, standing from the bench and going over to the lockers. "FUCK!" She screamed it this time as she punched one of the lockers repeatedly, hard enough to leave a dent.
From out of nowhere, Quinn rushed into the locker room looking ready to murder someone. Not someone. Santana. Her eyes fell to Rachel first, visually assessing her before they went to Santana.
"The midget's fine, Q," Santana said as she faced the blonde. "De-stress your breasts."
Rachel laughed at Quinn's confused expression. "It's her nicer way of saying 'calm your'… you know. And Santana was just mad at that locker for being right, I think."
"It is annoying that way," Santana said, holding her hand as her knuckles dripped blood on the floor.
As Rachel dressed, Quinn helped Santana clean and bandage her hand and wipe up the locker room floor. Coach Sylvester was going to be there soon, and they had used up far too much time on warm-up exercises so Rachel and Santana could talk.
As they were all heading out back into the gymnasium, Santana stopped Rachel while Quinn went on ahead. "So I get I fucked up, but… can you really help me get her back?"
"I think so," Rachel said. "You just have to decide if you want her enough to stand there beside her or not. In front of everyone. Brittany's not going to be anyone's 'dirty secret'. I think we both agree that she shouldn't have to be. She deserves better than that." Reaching out, she patted Santana's shoulder. "You do, too. And, should the worst happen, my offer still stands. Mi casa es su casa… if you need it."
Santana stared at Rachel for a long moment before sighing loudly. "You get one hug."
Rachel squealed and pounced on Santana, wrapping her arms around her middle and squeezing. Santana even managed to hug her back… for a minute at least. After that, she had to pry the shorter brunette off of her.