Author's Note:- I have to say I'm kinda disappointed. I am aware that every story isn't everyone's cup of tea and if you want to critique my story that's fine, to each their own, but I will not stand for people hating on other fanfic writers on my story. We all work very hard crafting stories for this community in our free time and I will not tolerate hate for that. I also will not tolerate hating on these characters for something that is cannon or for something that has nothing to do with the story I am creating. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't review. Thank you for the people who support me and are kind. NYLF

"Kate!" Castle called, jogging to catch up with her. He hoped she'd stop, running still made the scar on his thigh pull.

She stopped, abruptly, and waited for him to catch up to her, blowing out a breath harshly, knowing full well that he wouldn't stop following so she may as well wait for him.

"What, Castle?" She sighed roughly, emotion turning her voice to gravel but this conversation was inevitable, and she knew it, may as well get it over with.

"I just," Castle shrugged, coming to a halt beside her, his left hand closing some warmth into the scar on his leg, "I haven't seen you in five years Kate, I just, wanted to talk."

Kate sighed, her chest tight and her heart heavy. She hated this whole situation.

She wouldn't look up, still couldn't look at him even after all this time. Her heart hurt just being this close to him and she hated that.

"I heard your business is doing well." He murmured, trying for passive encouragement. Before everything, they had been friends, very good friends, and even if they would never be anything more than that again, he missed her friendship terribly.

He'd kept an eye on her from afar, social media and the press having helped for the first few months until she'd dropped out of any public eye, and he could only gauge how she was doing through her product launches and word of mouth. And, not that he'd ever tell her, but he'd called her dad at least once a year, just to check in. He and the elder man had only met a handful of times, but Castle knew her father and she were close. Rick had never asked Jim to keep it a secret, but he had a feeling he had.

He'd mourned for the city's loss when she left the force, even if he hadn't blamed her a single iota, watched with pride, and not a little confusion, as she'd graduated with a fashion degree of all things and opened her own business of specifically designed accessible clothing.

It was awesome, and so very her.

KC Clothing was storming the beaches of the fashion world and he was so proud of her and her partners.

"It's pretty cool, the easy fastenings and magnet use, I own a few of your shirts." He smiled, hoping it would be a boost, not expecting the grief that flooded her features, or the tumble it set his heart on.

"How is your hand?" She asked quietly, unable to not ask now, but the question had her heart beating so fast. Even now, the whole thing made her stomach clench. Five years later and she still had nightmares about that day, still woke her neighbours with her screaming. They'd called the local police twice thinking she was in danger.

Castle shrugged, looking down at his damaged hand. It didn't hurt too badly today. "It's okay. Still doesn't work very well, but it's okay." He clenched his hand a couple of times, as if to demonstrate. "It's mostly the fine motor skills I lack now." He downplayed.

He wouldn't go into the pain management routine, that he'd rattle if he jumped on his worst days, he wasn't her burden to bear anymore.

Kate nodded, watching his hand movements closely.

The back of his hand was covered in scars, some clean surgical lines, some less so, from the crush breaks, the bones of his hand piercing the skin encasing them. She shuddered, swallowing hard to keep her stomach acid where it should be, at the memory of just how horrific it had looked when the firefighters finally did what she couldn't and freed him from the desk.

The first and second joint of his index finger were missing, and his middle finger was crooked, bent at a wonky angle where the bones didn't quite heal right, despite the plates and screws, but apart from that it looked normal enough.

"That's good." She nodded, ignoring the bile in the back of her throat, the burning of her eyes.

"Yeah, bet it takes hours to get through airport security." He tried to joke but it clearly fell flat with the woman before him. "But seriously, your shirts are awesome, really helps." He smiled, trying to lighten the topic.

Kate shrugged. "They were created to try and help you so..."

Castle looked at her sharply. "What?"

Kate wouldn't look up from her shoes, but he could still see her blushing, that rose tint he used to love spreading across the stunning, if not scarily pronounced nowadays, lines of her cheek bones and tumbling down into the edge of her shirt. He loved chasing that blush with his mouth once upon a time, but now he'd give anything for her to just look at him.

"Kate, I haven't seen you since the ambulance, how were they made for me?" He asked, confusion lacing every syllable.

She'd made clothes for him? Had started a business for him?

Kate slipped her hands into her pockets, shy now. "I, they were talking about your hand in the hospital." She shrugged, hesitating and knowing it wouldn't go down well, but having learned that clarity was better than subtext now. "I, I wanted to do something useful."

"But not useful as in staying? Or supporting me? Or helping me through my recovery?" He snapped, five years' worth of confusion and anger bubbling to the surface. "You didn't even say goodbye!"

Castle's doctor had been by to talk to him about his hand, warning him that it in all likelihood it would take months of hard work and physio therapy before he could even do simple things, like button his own shirt and type by himself, the nerve and ligament damage had been that great. He'd need to watch for infection, and pay attention to how, especially his amputated finger, healed. He would need to come back every two weeks for a while to check on the plates and screws in his hand, to check how his bones were healing.

He had listened carefully but placidly, taken it in mostly, and arranged the necessary appointments without fuss.

It didn't feel real yet, not for him.

He hadn't really processed that he'd lost the use of his hand entirely for the foreseeable future, had lost half his finger, too preoccupied by everything else that had happened.

The death toll was steadily rising, Esposito hadn't heard from Kate but was too busy with the precinct to talk, and Kate's phone kept going straight to voicemail. He couldn't, wouldn't, call Ryan and he knew Kate wouldn't either.

But two weeks later, after he had been discharged, he felt his first hopelessness that he'd never get better, when he had to get his mother to dress him for Jenny's funeral.

He couldn't tie his tie, button his shirt or even zip up his pants and do the button. Humiliated and feeling useless and pathetic, he had to stand there like a child while his mother had helped dress him.

It was made so much worse, because it should have been Kate helping him, not his mom. But Kate was nowhere to be seen, and so he had to let Martha and Alexis help if he wanted to wear anything other than sweats and t-shirts.

He hated it, but it had to be done.

His hand was a mess of surgical bandages and stitches, and the wound on his leg, from where the desk had landed, was still open and raw despite the efforts to make the scar minimal. She'd saved his leg, and he'd be forever grateful for that, but she was gone.

He'd never regretted his actions more. He'd made what was already a horrific situation for her worse, and he had no idea how to even start to fix it.

He'd bribed a member of the hospital staff, had found out that Kate was badly injured, all he wanted to do was make sure she was okay, but no one knew where she was.

All he hoped for was that she was okay.

Kate took half a step back, shame colouring her cheeks. She was mortified at her actions even now. She had never thought leaving had been a good idea, had always just thought it was the lesser of two evils, between leaving, and staying to watch him hate her. But seeing all the pain she had caused, scribbled all over his tired face now, made her feel sick.

"I'm, sorry." She murmured, stiltedly, knowing it wasn't enough but it was all she could offer. "I just, I couldn't face you." She shrugged, knowing that wasn't the whole truth but not brave enough to tell him all of it, despite everything.

"Couldn't face me?" He cried, frustrated and confused. "You were my partner, my girlfriend. Our friends had just died, and another had lost his wife and baby, his entire will to live, and you couldn't face me and my broken hand?" He knew he should lower his voice, soften his tone. Knew that he was going to cause a scene, knew that him snapping had started this spiral in the first place, but he couldn't contain it any longer. He couldn't be proper, and remember his etiquette, and be a gentleman. She had pulled apart their attempt at a future and he hated that he couldn't hate her. He was confused, and betrayed, and still didn't understand the logic that running from them was her best option.

Kate couldn't look up, every muscle trembling. She knew it was cowardly, but she was afraid. Not of him, never of him. She knew that no matter how far apart they drifted, he would never lay a hand on her in anger. But she was truly afraid that she actually was the coward he thought her to be. Was truly afraid that for once, her cop instinct had been wrong, and the man she loved had only started to hate her once she had left him.

"Hey." Esposito murmured quietly, greeting Castle with a tired, sad, smile as he made his way to sit beside him in the church. "Still no word from Kate then?"

Castle shook his head, looking around him, slowly taking in the scene.

Jenny's funeral was already packed out, something that made Rick's heart glad, but the thing that held his gaze was his former team mate.

Ryan was sat in the front row, staring blankly ahead of him, ignoring everyone who tried to speak to him. His sisters were sat either side of him, greeting everyone who tried to give the man their condolences, seeming to know that the detective wouldn't say anything. Rick couldn't say it didn't frighten him.

"No." He murmured, dragging his eyes back to the ex-soldier and his brain back to the man's question. "She's gone." He smiled sadly. "I doubt she'll come back."

"She might, maybe she's just processing." Espo knew it was a reach, but he was trying. He hated that this had torn them apart too. Hated that the first true happiness Kate had found in years had been shattered alongside their home.

Castle shrugged, unconvinced. "Maybe." He shook his head trying not to care. "Anyway, Kate isn't important today."

Espo nodded. "Ryan hasn't said a word. I spoke to Gwen earlier, she said he hasn't spoken since he went to identify Jenny's body. Like literally not said a word. He arranged the funeral in silence, and they can't get anything out of him."

Castle swallowed, hard. "Is he staying with his sisters?" He asked, silently hoping that the younger man had someone staying with him, someone to try and help him through this.

Espo shook his head. "They said that they tried but he wouldn't leave his and Jenny's apartment. Wouldn't let them stay with him either. He's barely moved from the nursery and their bed apparently." Espo replied gravely.

"Someone needs to watch out for him." Castle murmured.

"Why, you think...?" Espo trailed off, unable to voice that question. Not that Ryan would be the first cop he would have known to have swallowed their service piece, or take their prescription in one go, and most of them hadn't been through half of what the Irish detective had.

Castle shrugged, running his good hand across the back of his neck, nervously. "I just think we should watch out for him."

Kate shrugged, shy and hating herself, rapidly realising that her interpretation of the situation may have been wrong. "I'm the reason your hand was damaged, that you were in so much pain. So I stayed away. And yeah, I should have been there, and I should have helped you, and I should have stayed, but I couldn't watch you go through pain and suffering that I had caused." She sighed deeply, running her shaking hand through her dark, straight hair, her fingers catching in the tangles. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

Castle shook his head, scoffing. "You caused more pain and suffering by leaving." He murmured, anger and petulance leaking through. She thought leaving was the right thing to do? Where and how did she get that idea?

Kate nodded, feeling oh so tiny now. "I know. I realise that now. I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't really good enough, Kate. I had no one. Espo had no one. And you put yourself in a situation where you also had no one. We could have all helped each other." Castle told her, more than a little angry. "We needed each other."

"You think I wouldn't change it if I could go back?" She snapped. "I was going to come back!"

Rick's cell buzzed loudly, jolting him awake. Kate's warm naked back disappeared from behind his eyes, as his dark, lonely bedroom filtered back in.

"'Lo?" He greeted, ineloquently, looking at his alarm clock.

Five fifteen.

Shit, it was early.

The precinct wasn't open again yet.

"Kate?" He asked hopefully, his heart sinking when the caller started talking.

"It's Lanie. Sorry, Castle." The medical examiner murmured softly, truly sorry for her best friend's treatment of the writer.

"S'kay." He murmured back. "Sup?" He asked, sitting up in bed.

He cleared his throat roughly, hoping it would bring back his words' missing syllables.

"Castle, I," Lanie paused, unable to really believe what she was trying to tell him.

"Lane, what is it?" Castle asked carefully. He could hear the tremble she was trying to hide. "What's happened?"

Lanie sighed deeply, her chest cracking. "Rick, it's Kevin." She told him softly. "I'm at his apartment now. He died about half an hour ago."

Rick went rigid, sorrow pulsing through his blood.

No.

Not Ryan.

"They don't suspect foul play. It looks like a purposeful overdose." Lanie finished softly. "I just thought it was best that you hear it from one of us, and Javi is beside himself, he was the one who found him."

"Yeah, of course." Rick murmured. "Thanks for telling me." He nodded, his spare hand reaching to Kate's side of the bed, his body begging for her touch, needing her hold to keep him together.

Fuck, he missed her.

"I'll, let me know if there's anything I can do?"

"Of course." Lanie all but whispered.

They said goodbye and Castle hung up the phone, placing it back in its previous position before curling around Kate's pillow, as the tears started to fall.

God, he needed her now.