The Choice

Chapter 11

The Melody

We walked in silence back to the house avoiding looking at each other. Martin was following, her tale high up moving here and there, happily hanging her tongue outside her mouth. I scratched my arms turning them red in the process. I had to distract myself to get rid of the sickening feeling I had. I had seen it clearly in his eyes. If he could he would have taken it back. He would have taken everything back if he had the choice.

In the few moments that I got the chance to get close to him again only one thing passed my mind. If I had a wish… I would wish everything to be different. Jace was something I didn't expect I needed but as I spend more time with him I realized I might need him a little bit more than I expected. But you love Alec, my mind kept telling me clouding my thoughts. Jace… Alec… brothers… wrong…

I'm trying hard to tell myself that whatever I feel for Jace isn't real. The pull he has on me is just in my mind; that when my heart skips a beat on the sound of his name; it's from the prospect of anyone finding out about him and me. When I feel myself melting under his gaze, is from the fear I have of him telling Alec. I'm trying but it isn't enough. I need him to tell me. I need him to tell me it's in my mind. I need him to tell me that he doesn't… love me.

"Say it." I said glaring at him the words out of my mouth before I could register them. "Just say it to get it over with so you don't have to pretend anymore."

"Pretend what?" he said without slowing, and kept walking ahead of me.

"I saw it."

"Saw what?" his voice sounding irritated.

"Eyes never lie." He stopped and turned to me. He nodded for me to go on.

"Supposedly," he said his lips in a tight line.

"You can stop this for both our sakes. You didn't have to kiss me back there just because I wanted to. You can stop pretending anymore. There is no-"

"You thought I faked that?" his face was a mask of disbelieve. "You think I like lying to my only brother? Look him in the eyes and lie to him?" his voice got higher. "That I have to figure out a way to stop carrying for who my brother marries? To tell myself that no matter what, my brother is the one that is going to marry you? That's what I have to stop pretending?" He dropped his face and stared elsewhere. He began his voice low avoiding my eyes, "because if eyes tell the truth then you clearly don't see it." He spun around and headed towards the house that now was visible from a couple of meters away. Then with a sudden movement he was right in front of me his face wearing a hard expression.

"How do you stand it?"

"Excuse me?" I said still dazed form what he had just said.

"How can you kiss him and tell him you love him after knowing what have you done? How?"

I opened my mouth to answer but nothing came out of it. I had no answer for him when I for myself didn't have the answer. The guilt was killing me each time and now it was even worse. I wasn't just lying to Alec I was also deceiving his family. When I raised my eyes to his I found the wind playing games with the leaves. In the distance I heard a door being slammed hard.

Maryse was nice enough not to ask questions when I came back to the house but after a while she came into the library where I had found a hide and tried to stir up a conversation with me. I nodded at whatever she said to me and in the end I found myself agreeing going dress shopping together. Unfortunately that meant also taking Jace with us. Why didn't he go to that stupid club with his father? And why hadn't Alec called me all day?

Jace drove with his mother on the passenger sit and me at the back. Maryse kept babbling about all the things we have to take account of my wedding dress but I couldn't have cared less. Jace didn't speak to me at all during the ride there, which was perfectly fine with me. I was thinking what he said and what those words might mean. I wanted those walls in my mind to rise up again and no matter what I did it didn't change the fact that he had said those things. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was the one pretending not him. He was clear from the first moment while I was lying from the first moment I met him. They say you can only love one person with your whole heart but they don't tell you how that feels; and I started to wonder if you could give your heart to more than one person. I wasn't sure just yet if I loved Jace. I definitely had strong feelings about him and I loved his brother Alec but it wasn't possible to love them both, was it?

Once we reached the shop Jace excused himself against his mother wishes and left. He had some things to take care of, he told her. Instant relief washed me, and a sense of panic threated to overtake me but I managed to tame it. The lady at the store told us to have a sit and we waited for her to come back with a couple pictures of dresses. Maryse and her talked about what would look good on me and what style I should try on while I barely had the chance to speak up. In the end the lovely blonde lady, whose name was Marian, took me inside of one of the dressing rooms and helped in one of the handful of dresses Maryse had picked for me.

I could barely move my legs from all the skirts underneath. There must've been at least ten. The poufy dress made me look like a big upside-down lollipop. We tried the same style but lighter.

"How does this fit my dear? It looks gorgeous on you." Marian said pulling tighter at the corset at my back. I took a deep breath and she managed to close the zip.

"I can breath," I said after releasing the breath I was holding. The dress had a tight bodice simple patterns engraved on, random lines that if you looked closely you could see the drawings of small circles interrupted by triangles and squares. I hadn't seen anything like it before. The skirt was lighter and I was able to walk through the little space the dressing room provided without stumbling on it.

"It feels… good." I said not quite sure of it yet. I looked at the mirror. The dress was strapless and my bare pale arms were visible under the fluorescent lights.

"It looks beautiful but is has to be comfortable if you want to enjoy your wedding while wearing it. Believe me, I had my share of it." She moved form behind and stood beside the mirror. "Can you imagine yourself getting married in this dress?"

I wanted to tell her that I haven't imagined at all getting married, not until this very moment where I tried to picture Alec next to me but all I could see was those damn gold locks. I looked away and hug myself.

"We can cover your arms if you like with a nice white jacket, shorts of. Here lets go outside to see what Maryse has to say about it and I'll go grab it for you." I stepped outside and walked towards the mirror. It was bigger and I could see myself from more angles than before. I really noticed the dress this time and now it wasn't bad. But it wasn't perfect either. It didn't have the finality to it. Maryse hadn't spoke since I came out and my eyes searched for her through the mirror waiting to see her horrified face but instead I found Jace sitting on one of those pink armchairs his hand over his mouth half covering half supporting his head on it. His eyes captured me again and what they conveyed was enough to leave me breathless. At last I broke away. I looked at myself again and suddenly I was self-conscious. I straightened my skirt and tried to stand better in front of the mirror.

Jace woke up behind me and took my hands away form my skirt. "You look beautiful," he whispered to my left ear. "Stop doubting yourself." He squeezed my hand once and let it go and backed away just in time when Maryse and Marian came back with some wrappers and jackets.

"Yes, I know, why would someone-" Maryse was saying and she stopped and her eyes widened as she took sight of me. "Clary! You're stunning! That dress is just magnificent. You look absolutely stunning." She came and walked around me her eyes never leaving the dress and my body. "Gorgeous really. Jace, what do you think? Isn't she stunning?" She talked to him but without paying much attention to him. She didn't notice how he stumbled with his words finally setting to a nod towards her. Maryse kept staring me until finally she broke her gaze away. "Alec is going to love this dress," Maryse said and I dared to look at Jace who now was walking outside.

Even though Maryse was sold at that dress and insisted on how perfectly it was for me I gave in and decided that this was my dress. When I asked for the price Maryse said it was already settled; a welcoming present from her and Robert for entering their family. I didn't see Jace for the rest of the night after the ride home. His eyes never left the road to find mine as they did before.

Alec came back late in the afternoon and he surprised me when I saw him holding a bouquet of flowers.

"Ah, flowers! Alec you shouldn't have." I said and went to grab them. Alec hid them behind his back.

"Who said it's for you?" he said and smirked. I eyed him carefully.

"Are you sure Alec? Because if I remember well," I said and whispered to him, "you left me alone with your family. Well the rest of your family and didn't call me." I tried to look angry.

"Come on. I'm sure you found something entertaining to do while I was gone," he lifted his eyebrows.

I swallowed. "Like what?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. My mother told me Jace showed you around. I hope he wasn't a pain." He came closer and gave me a kiss. "They are for you," he said giving me the flowers.

"You," I started smiling and he placed his hand on my waist and bent to kiss me. Jace walked inside the room and I withdrew from his embrace and kiss. He looked at me confused but then he saw Jace. He walked in the kitchen to grab some water and left without saying a word unless the glare he gave me counted as something.

"What's wrong with him?" Alec said and went to grab me again but I walked away form him.

I shrugged. "No idea." I hated myself.

I was walking towards my room when I heard it, the soft melody of the piano. The notes sipping through my body and holding me there for what it seemed like ages. I found myself on the stairs leading to the attic. I made sure my steps were silent. Everyone had gone to bed hours ago. I wondered who was up this late playing the piano.

The door was half closed and I dared to come closer. The music came from inside. I wondered if I Alec had mentioned a piano in the house. The melody changed now to something quick and angry as the person hit the notes but the in an instant it changed again and the soft melody I had heard earlier came and I found myself walking inside unaware of my actions.

The room was dark and the only light came from the low window where I could see the moon high in the sky. I looked for the beautiful disturbance around. Jace was sitting and playing the black shiny piano in the corner. I came closer to him and I sat down next to him when he abruptly stopped playing.

I looked at him and placed my hands on the soft keys of the piano trying to play the piece he was playing from memory. I failed miserably. He still had his eyes on me when he took my hands away from the piano. He showed me the right notes for the left hand part of the piece and together without saying a word to each other we played without speaking but we said so much to each other as we changed songs between us. Music was talking for us. He let me finish the piece and I felt myself absorbed into the music. The song slowed down until I hit the last note. For the first time it felt good playing the piano. I felt confident, determined. I smiled.

"What are you doing here?" Jace's raspy voice said.

"I heard you playing and… the music was…. I didn't know you played the piano." I said my initial hesitation going away.

"Yeah, I didn't know either." Our fingers were still on the keys and his were barely touching mine. With a gentle touch he stroke my fingers.

"I couldn't sleep," I said looking at our fingers still touching each other feeling all warm inside.

"Me either. It seems that way lately."

His voice must have held something because I turned to face him. "Jace."

"Clary." He smiled playful to me.

"I should go." I stood up.

He grabbed my hand. "No, please stay. I could use your company." He made room for me. "Play for me."

I sat down and placed my hands on the keyboards. It was so long since I really played. Playing with Jace a few moments ago came easy like I wasn't putting the effort in it. I tried. The first few notes came easy and I let myself smile. I kept the lazy tempo until I noticed Jace was gone from next to me. I found him on my left side a camera in front of his eyes.

"What are you doing there?" I whispered-hissed.

"What's it look like I'm doing? Taking a picture of you of course," he said not bothering to put the camera down.

"Jace give me that!"

"Why?" he said his cocky smile still on place.

"Because… because you're not allowed to." I said crossing my hands over my chest.

"By who?" he casually sat on one of the random chairs in the room looking through the lenses of his camera.

"By me. Now give it back." I extended my arm towards him and he drew his back. "Jace just erase the stupid pictures." He turned his camera away and looked at me.

"They aren't stupid." He stood up and went to leave not before coming next to me whispering, "nothing about you is stupid."