Kate shrugged, quiet and unsure, staring out of the window, at her hands, at the floor, never keeping her gaze in once place for long. Her hands nervously fiddling with her sleeves, picking at the edges of her cast. She was restless, and fidgety, but couldn't hold herself still today.

"I just," she shrugged again, swiping at her cheek, and looking up at the doctor, not quite meeting his eyes but close enough that he appreciated the effort. "It used to have a purpose."

"That purpose being solving your mother's case?" Burke asked slowly.

Kate shrugged again. "Yeah, in a roundabout way, but mostly the victims. All the victims." She murmured, playing with the frayed edges of her cast again. "Getting their story, solving the crimes, getting closure for the families, putting bad people behind bars so they couldn't hurt anyone else. That was what was important before. It came before everything else." She paused, trying to get her bearings. "But now, I feel awful for saying it, but now I, I want a life outside being a cop." She shook her head. "Does that make me sound terrible?"

Dr Burke shook his head slowly. "Kate, wanting to have a life outside your job is important. And normal." He assured her quietly. "What I want you to think about though, is whether this is a knee jerk reaction because of the explosion, or if it was merely a catalyst."

"Did you say you'd spoken to my daughter?" Rick asked quietly, as he slipped his hand unconsciously across the base of her back, to guide her into the coffee shop they had walked to in silence. She stilled, and he felt the tension flood her system, stiffen her spine to the point he was sure it hurt.

"Uh, yeah." Kate murmured, nodding as she stepped through the doorway, stepping quickly to take her out of his reach as she made her way to the counter. She wished she hadn't said it, wished harder that he hadn't caught it.

Rick sighed softly, feeling like they were constantly moving two steps forward and then three steps back. He hated that his touch seemed to spook her so much now, especially knowing that once upon a time it used to bolster her.

He made his way to her side, actively not touching her, before he smiled at the man behind the cash register. The younger man smiled back, fingers poised to ring up their order but apparently happy to not give the tense couple the usual spiel, especially given the late hour.

"One grande skim latte, with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla, and a grande caramel macchiato please." He smiled brightly at the barista, paying him, and giving his name before finding Kate's face again, his heart tripping in its rhythm when he noticed the awe on her features, the tears in her eyes. God how he hated making this woman cry, hated that it was all he seemed able to be able to do tonight. "Hey, you alright?" Castle asked quietly, reaching to grip her elbow gently, the long thought gone habit of offering her physical comfort something he wasn't able to tamper.

Kate nodded, clearing her throat softly, extracting herself from his grasp gently. "I'll go grab us a table." She whispered, throwing her thumb over her shoulder before making a swift exit. He still remembered her coffee order and she had no idea why that made her want to cry.

Rick watched her go, leaning against the counter, still not really sure who this shy, timid woman was, not sure where his kickass ex-girlfriend had disappeared to. But he was happy to move slowly, knowing that he was just as out of his depth as she was.

He hated this situation, hated that despite her behaviour he still couldn't hate her, hated that even after five years they both seemed to have this hold over each other still.

The barista made him jump by calling out his name a few seconds after Kate had left his side. Rick took both of their drinks with a thank you for the other man, and followed Kate's path to a booth in the back corner.

"Hey." Rick murmured, sliding in across from her, as he gently placed her drink in front of her. "How you doing?" He continued quietly, clasping his hands around his coffee cup so he wouldn't be tempted to touch her again.

Kate gave him a hollow smile, wrapping her hand around her drink and bringing it to her lips, her eyes closed in preparation. She took her first sip and couldn't stop the little moan at the back of her throat, or the tear that leaked from her closed eyes, as the perfect combination of the sweetness of the vanilla and the bitterness of the coffee burst across her taste buds.

"Kate?!" Rick exclaimed, concerned, his body throwing itself forward involuntarily, his fingers aching to touch her even as she shook her head, sliding the beverage away from her a little, wiping her eyes with a wry smile.

"I'm okay." She insisted quietly.

"'Okay' people don't tend to cry at coffee, Kate." He murmured lowly. She shook her head again and he felt his chest constrict. "I can get you something else?"

She shook her head once more, catching his hand as he half stood to go back to the counter and change her drink. "Rick, please, I'm fine."

Rick settled back in his seat, still jumpy, still unsure, watching her warily.

"I just haven't had my coffee like that since…" she trailed off, the words she had managed had been stilted and muted, she wasn't sure she could continue and knew she didn't need to.

"How come?" He asked quietly, leaning back in the booth.

Kate shrugged. "It, it felt wrong without you."

Castle sighed deeply. They had both ruined themselves after that day.

They sat in silence for a few moments, both sipping their drinks, Kate savouring every sip.

"So, you've spoken to Alexis?" Rick enquired again quietly.

Kate nodded, putting down her drink, linking her fingers together as she took a deep breath. "A couple of times actually." She confessed quietly, shaking her head. "I figured she would have told you."

Rick shook his head back at her. "Nope. She hasn't ever bought you up." He shrugged. "Mother asked after you occasionally, but pretty quickly realised I knew about as much as she did." He traced a pattern on the table top aimlessly with his index finger.

Kate nodded. "I called before I left, well as I was leaving the hospital. That was the last time I spoke to Martha." She shot him a small smile. "I knew then that leaving wasn't the right thing to do, but I needed to get away. I called your mom to make sure she knew that you were safe, that you were out of the precinct, out of immediate danger." Kate shrugged, her voice cracking as she looked up at him, finally meeting his eye properly, letting him see everything. "She told me she loved me, that she was so very glad we were both okay, that she was on her way." Kate shrugged a single slim shoulder. "I couldn't sit and wait for them, Rick, and I'm sorry for that. Sorry for a lot of things."

"I spoke to his mom." Kate murmured, out of the blue, a few sessions later. She'd seen Burke twice a week every week since it had all happened, and they had talked to death the subject of her not wanting to be a cop. She had no idea how to move forward, but that wasn't important right now.

"To Rick's mother?" Dr Burke clarified softly, getting a silent nod from Kate. "When?"

Kate sighed softly. "In the hospital, as I was leaving." She drew her lower lip into her mouth, biting it softly.

"What did the two of you talk about?" The doctor probed gently, knowing far too well by now just how skittish his patient could be.

Kate stood, wrapping her good arm around her abdomen, the casted left down at her side. She was slow, and walking still made her back pain worsen, but pacing was how she dealt with this stuff and it was habitual by this point. She walked to the window, looked out for a moment before pacing back and forth like a caged animal. "I called to tell her Rick was okay, and in surgery." She murmured.

"That was kind." Dr Burke led her gently.

Kate shook her head. "It was necessary. I would have wanted that phone call if the situation had been reversed, I couldn't not call her. Rick and I had been together nearly a year, she was practically my mother in law." She sighed deeply. "Martha was frantic when she answered, she'd heard about the precinct, it had been all over the news and when she couldn't get hold of Castle, or me, she had called Espo. He'd had to tell her that we were both inside and she had been understandably terrified. No one had had time to catch her up since, so I was the first to tell her that we were both alive."

Kate's voice caught as she remembered the tearful relief the elder woman had experienced. "She burst into tears, asked if he was okay, asked if I was okay." She shook her head, hating herself for being surprised that Martha would ask about her injuries. "I told her that I was okay, that Castle was in surgery but that it was to fix his hand, that they weren't worried about his vitals. She thanked me."

Kate paused, still a bit thrown by that. "She thanked me for being there, for calling her, for being there for her son. She said, 'I can't thank you enough, I'm so glad you're both okay' and when I assured her again that he was gonna be fine, she welled up. 'Katherine I'm glad that you're both okay, we love you and we'll be there soon'."

Kate ran her hand across her face, completely unsurprised by the dampness she found, she'd done very little other than cry since that day. "When we hung up I knew that it wasn't just Rick that would hate me once they all realised that I had hurt him." Kate shook her head, crumbling so hard and so fast that Dr Burke was half out of his chair to hold her, before he caught himself and reminded himself silently to maintain professional boundaries. "I couldn't watch that love turn to disappointment, I couldn't lose another mother."