The Chance to Fly, Chapter Nine
A.N: Hello faithful followers. Firstly, thanks, as always, for sticking with this story. I love all your reviews and all your guesses. Now, here's a little heads up: the next three chapters or so are going to be a bit intense. This is where the past begins to surface, the present begins to make more sense, and maybe the future will come into focus too. As far as this chapter goes, my advice, if I can be so patronising as to offer some, is this: Don't judge too soon.
I'm primed and ready for your backlash...
Anna's shift had started a couple of hours earlier and Oaken had been correct in predicting a quiet night. The lack of things to do was beginning to wear on Anna. She had hoped that the evening would provide enough distraction to rid her of thoughts about a particular blonde goddess next door. Sure, Anna knew that crushes were a perfectly normal and healthy part of life. But when said crush was on a friend, a friend with a boyfriend, then things began to get more complicated.
It had been fifteen minutes since Anna had last had a customer to serve. She surveyed the bar and noted that everyone was still mid-drink, and that there wasn't even any empty glasses for her to collect. She leant her head back on a shelf and stared up at the ceiling, tapping the toe of one of her converse-clad feet distractedly. Anna was beginning to feel remorse for her abrupt mood change with Elsa that morning. It wasn't Elsa's fault that she was incredibly attractive. It wasn't Elsa's fault that Anna was lusting after her like a teenage boy. It wasn't Elsa's fault that was also kind and charming and ridiculously mysterious.
Anna's thoughts were interrupted by a cough. She immediately pulled herself back to an upright position and plastered on a smile.
"Hey Anna." It was Hans.
"Hans!" Anna said, somewhat surprised. "I wasn't expecting to see you tonight."
"Well, it wasn't planned, I just thought it might be nice for Elsa and I to come out for a drink." Hans explained, a tinge of bitterness to his words.
"Elsa's here?" Anna asked, feeling a small shot of panic race up her spine.
"No." Hans replied simply.
"Oh… Uh… Well, what can I get you?" Anna enquired. Hans was certainly not being his usual peppy self this evening. In fact, if anything, he seemed down, and Anna had never seen him anything other than mildly ecstatic.
"Scotch, please."
That was not what Hans had ordered the last time Anna had seen him in Oaken's, but she reached for the bottle anyway and poured out a measure for Hans, placing the glass on a napkin and pushing it towards him. Hans handed her a card.
"I think a tab will be in order tonight, Anna." He said with a grim smile. Anna nodded and placed his card on a rack behind the till.
This Hans was a new one, and Anna wasn't quite sure what to say to him. Normally Hans would be bursting with conversation, brimming with questions and full of energy. Tonight, Hans seemed defeated, deflated, tired. Anna wanted to ask if everything was alright – though it clearly was not – but she wasn't sure how to go about it without seeming as though she was prying.
And so the evening developed an uneasy pattern. Anna would pour Hans a drink, and he would sit hunched on a bar stool opposite her, sipping the amber liquid, swilling it around the glass and gazing thoughtfully into it until it was eventually empty, at which point he would push it towards Anna for a refill. Anna wasn't sure exactly how many of these refills she should grant. It was clear that Hans was unhappy, and heavy drinking was known to have solved precisely zero problems ever.
"Sorry, Anna. I know I'm not great company tonight." Hans finally said, surprising Anna by breaking the silence she had expected to long continue.
"It's OK, Hans. This is a bar, after all!" She replied, chucking somewhat awkwardly. Then Anna sighed, unable to hold back the question any longer. "Are you alright though, Hans?"
Hans looked up at Anna when he heard her question. She could see that his eyes were rimmed with red slightly, and his focus may not have been what it usually would be.
"It's Elsa." He said simply.
"What do you mean? Is she alright? What's wrong with her?" At the thought of something being the matter with Elsa, all of Anna's plans to be aloof about the woman flew out of the window. Hans continued to look vaguely in Anna's direction and appeared unaware that her outburst had been a bit of an overreaction.
"She's fine." He said, then continued. "Well, no. She's not fine. She hasn't been for a while. Not since her parents." Hans was staring back into his glass. Anna could see that it was nearly empty once more.
"Not since her parents what?" Anna asked, curiosity and empathy getting the best of her.
"Died." Hans let out; he gulped back the last of his scotch and pushed the empty glass back to Anna.
Anna just stared at the glass for a minute, unable to absorb what Hans had just told her. Hans looked between Anna and the glass until she finally noticed and refilled it once more, adding slightly less than a full measure this time. She still couldn't find the words to respond to Hans.
"I shouldn't have said that." Hans noticed Anna's stunned silence and spoke so quietly that it was almost a whisper. He looked up at Anna with wide eyes, and within them Anna could plainly see regret and grief that he had divulged something he shouldn't have.
"I wouldn't… I won't… I mean, I'm not going to mention it." Anna said, struggling to know what to say. "What happened though?" She asked softly.
Hans considered for a moment before he clearly decided that the damage was done. He took a small sip of his drink.
"They were on a cruise around the Fjords. The ship went down." He said, his voice void of emotion. "Elsa hasn't been the same since."
"She lost her parents. She's bound to be… different." Anna said desperately, as though trying to protect Elsa without really knowing any details. She could feel a lump forming in her throat as the realisation of Hans' words slowly hit her.
"Of course. I know that. I just… I've tried so hard, Anna. So hard…" Hans trailed off and for a minute Anna thought he might be about to cry. She reached over and put a hand on his shoulder, he dropped his head to his chest.
"Hans… grief is… it's difficult for everyone and—" Anna tried to soothe the devastated figure before her but he interrupted.
"I look after her. I try to make her happy, just to make her smile sometimes. I love her, Anna, I really do, but…" Hans words died in his mouth and he finished his drink in one swallow. "Sorry, Anna." He started, "This is ridiculous. I can't just come into your place of work and start spouting my problems at you!" He said, a trace of his usual jollity was back in his voice.
"Don't worry about it—"
"I mean, imagine if you waltzed into the office and started weeping on my desk!" Hans let out a hoot of laughter at the mere thought.
"Well, yeah, but… This is bar. You work in finance…" Anna replied, uncertain of which way this conversation was going to go next. Apparently, it was going nowhere as a great waves of laughter continued to emerge from Hans.
At that moment Anna spied one of the regulars waving an empty glass in her direction from the opposite end of the bar. She made her way towards the elderly, bearded man.
"Another of the same?" She asked him, a strained smile being the best she could offer.
"If you don't mind, love." Came the reply. "Is everything alright over there?" This particular regular was one of Anna's self-named 'guardian angels', and he nodded discretely to where Hans was still chuckling quietly to himself. Anna followed the gesture.
"Oh yeah, thanks. It's alright. He's a neighbour of mine, just… he's having a rough day." Anna explained. She received a nod in return.
Anna ventured back along the bar to where Hans had gotten a hold of the whiskey bottle that she had accidently left out. He poured himself another rather full glass.
"Hope it's alright, Anna." Hans said gesturing toward the now half-empty bottle as he put it back down on the bar with a bang.
"Uh… Sure." Said Anna. Grasping the bottle and attempting to slyly put it back on the shelf behind her. She didn't really need to be sly about the movement though, as by this stage Hans was beyond noticing the finer details. Oaken, on the other hand, would have noticed what had just happened for sure, and would not be happy about it either. Customers were certainly not encouraged to help themselves to hard liquor. Anna was thankful that the bar's namesake was not in attendance that night.
Hans went back to staring into his glass quietly, and Anna returned to watching him a bit nervously from a few feet away from the bar.
Elsa was feeling spectacularly bad. Between her day of wallowing on the couch, focussing on what it could have been that had pushed Anna away from her, to considering all of her own faults and how they had magnified over the past horrific year, and then to her run-in with Hans a couple of hours ago, Elsa was positively drowning in anguish.
She knew that Hans loved her. She knew that he had looked after her when any other boyfriend might have made a subtle exit. She knew that she had ruined the previous year for him. But she did try. She tried to be upbeat for the bubbly brunette. She tried to make his life a little easier too. She tried to love him in return. But she had been numb. She had spent twelve months of her life unable to feel almost anything at all for the most part.
The nights were the worst. At night, and especially when she was alone, she could barely keep the darkness at bay. She longed to have her life back the way it had been. She longed for the happy days she had spent with Hans at the start of their relationship. She longed to have her parents back. And yet there was nothing in her power to grant those wishes. Nothing in anybody's power to answer those prayers.
That's enough, Elsa. You've spent the day stewing in your own sadness. You've driven Hans away, you've done something to Anna too. It's time to pull yourself together. Elsa told herself forcefully.
Your parents aren't coming back. You've destroyed enough of Hans' time. You need to get a grip.
Elsa looked to the cat sleeping peacefully at her side. She knew that Hans had been there for her throughout the whole ordeal of losing her parents so far. And yet it was Kai who was her true confidant. It was Kai who comforted her when she couldn't keep the tears at bay anymore, and she sobbed to herself in the dead of the night. It was Kai who listened to her true feelings, Kai that she was able to actually talk to.
Kai is a cat, Elsa. He has no idea what you're talking about. You could tell him the forecast for tomorrow's weather and he would still 'listen.'
It was then that a memory erupted in Elsa's mind; one that she had tried to supress. There was one night in particular, soon after she and Hans had moved into the new apartment. Hans had been out at a meeting and Elsa had allowed her feelings to smother her to such a point that something had to give. She had curled up on the couch under a blanket, her face pushed into the warm fur of her feline companion and she had bawled. She had cried like she did when she was a child. Like she did when she wanted her parents to overhear her and come and comfort her back to sleep. But it wasn't her parents who had heard her that night. It was Anna.
Anna had knocked on the door. Anna had asked if she was alright. Anna had waited and waited, but Elsa could not respond. How could she? What would she have said? "Sorry if I disturbed you. It's just that my parents drowned and I've trapped a good man into a relationship that will only hold him back. Oh, and also, I miss my old room." Yeah, that would have made her look like a perfectly normal neighbour.
Elsa stood up abruptly from the couch and knocked Kai from her lap.
"Sorry sweetheart." She said to the cat, as she threw off the blanket that had been covering her knees.
Elsa strode to her bedroom and stood in front of the full-length mirror. She looked herself hard in the eyes.
It's time to pull yourself together, Elsa. It's time to move on, to accept the past and to leave it where it is. You need to let it go now.
All the while Elsa was giving herself an internal motivational speech, she kept eye contact with the mirror. She knew that it had to stick this time, that it wouldn't be easy, but that she had to start being kind to those around her, and being kind to herself too.
She briefly considered taking a pair of scissors to her spun-gold locks to mark the moment of transition, but promptly thought better of it. This change was to be on the inside, it didn't need to be a physical signal. Plus, she'd probably make a horrible job of it. No, cutting her hair as cathartic as she'd been told it was, would not be a good idea. She had allowed herself to get carried away in the moment with that particular brainwave.
Elsa nodded once firmly to herself in the mirror. She was going to get her life back in order, she'd had enough of curling in on herself, of being seen as 'poor little Elsa,' and of bringing Hans down with her. Change was afoot and Elsa was going to embrace it.
Back at Oaken's matters had not improved. It seemed to Anna that the last drink to which Hans had helped himself had been the one that had shoved him over the line.
It was reaching the end of Anna's shift and the bar was now empty except for herself and Hans. The other customers had left some time ago, and the last of the regular's had just exited, throwing a cautionary look at Hans on his way out.
Hans was now swaying on his seat. His words were clinging together in a drunken slur. And Anna was intensely regretting allowing him to drink as much as he had.
"Elsa's great, you know?" He garbled at Anna, with an earnest yet blurred look in his chocolate brown eyes. "She's beautiful, she's funny… When I met her… oh man! She's gorgeous. Don't you think, Anna? Don't you think Elsa is gorgeous?" Hans' sentence ended in a demand, he was challenging Anna to disagree with his statement. But there was no way Anna was going to disagree with that one.
"Completely gorgeous." She said, wiping down the bar top at the far end. Finding small joy in verbalising what had been on the tip of her tongue for what felt like years.
"And I love her." Hans said, though this time he was talking more to himself and punctuating his words with a coupe of wobbly nods. "But Anna!" He suddenly shouted lifting his head abruptly. Anna looked up, her eyebrows raised.
"Anna! We haven't had sex since… you know. Her parents and everything." He divulged in a dramatic stage whisper. Anna gulped and said nothing. "Can you imagine?" Hans continued, "Can you imagine not having sex with Elsa? I mean, if she was your girlfriend. Well, not your girlfriend obviously because, well…" Hans began to giggle. Before this moment Anna wouldn't have believed that Hans was capable of giggling, but she would have been wrong. She was thankful not to have to answer his question though.
By this time, Anna had finished clearing up everything that she needed to and was well and truly ready for bed. She had planned to spend the evening not thinking about Elsa, and had instead spent it hearing about nothing but Elsa. Hans was a mess, he was a drunken mess and it was partly Anna's fault.
Anna had been bombarded with information and given no time to process it. Her mind was awhirl with all that Hans had let slip. She felt terrible for Elsa, for the loss of her parents, for all the pain that she must have gone through and still be going through. But she also felt for Hans. His words had not been malicious. He was obviously drowning his sorrows quite literally, and his sorrows seemed very real. It was clear that he was hurting for Elsa, for himself, and for their relationship. It pained Anna to see the man who normally was a pure joy sink to this level of despair.
"Come on Hans." Anna said, pulling on her jacket and walking around to the customer side of the bar. "I think it's time we headed home, don't you?" She asked, patting Hans on the back gently.
Hans nodded. He was not going to fight to stay out. He might have been drunk, but he knew he's had enough. He didn't want to be a bother to Anna. He stood up from the stool and instantly swayed dangerously on his feet. Anna leapt forward and steadied him, then pulled his arm over her shoulders so he could lean his weight on her and together they exited the bar.
Anna had always been glad that she lived so close to work and tonight she was gladder than ever before. Hans wasn't a huge guy, but he was a dead weight as he leant against her on the short walk up the street.
"I am sorry, Anna. I didn't mean to throw all this at you tonight." The cold night air seemed to have sobered him up a small amount.
"It's OK, Hans. It sounds like maybe you've needed to talk about this stuff for a while." Anna replied honestly.
"Please don't think any less of me." Hans said softly. He was still slurring a bit, but Anna knew his words were nothing less than genuine.
"I don't. I swear." Anna assured him.
"Are you going to tell Elsa?" he asked. Anna nearly laughed at how much he sounded like a little boy who didn't want to be in trouble with his mother, but laughter didn't seem fitting for the moment.
"I won't tell her. I think she might figure out that you've had a bit too much though." Anna said, allowing just the smallest chuckle to escape.
"That's an understatement." Hans replied, he too had a small smile on his lips.
Once they had entered the building and made it precariously up the three flights of stairs, Anna watched Hans struggle with his keys for a moment before taking them from his hands and opening his apartment door as quietly as possible.
It was well past midnight now and Anna didn't want to disturb Elsa any more than Hans would when he went to bed. To Anna surprise though, once the two of them made it through the front door, Hans made a beeline for the couch instead. He sat down heavily and began to pull off his shoes.
"Thank-you, Anna. You're a good friend." He said, looking up from his shoes at Anna.
"You're welcome, Hans. I hope you feel OK in the morning." She replied. "In fact…"
Anna made her way as noiselessly as possible to the kitchen. She opened a couple of cupboards until she found one that contained glasses, pulled one down and filled it with water. Placing the glass on the counter, she began rooting around in her purse. Anna found what she was looking for and returned to the couch. She put the glass of water and painkillers on the coffee table and turned to look at Hans. He was fast asleep, a thin blanket pulled over himself and his socked feet sticking out one end.
Anna smiled sadly at the sight. She had no idea what she had gotten herself into, but it was clearly quite a sorry tale. She took one more glance at Hans as he released a whistling snore and made her way back to the kitchen, switching out the light with a click.
It was when Anna was heading back to the door that she realised there was another noise in the apartment. It wasn't her own footsteps, and it wasn't Hans' light snores. She could hear water running somewhere. Elsa wasn't asleep at all. She wasn't tucked up all snug in bed as Anna had hoped. She was having a shower at nearly 1am. And what's more, there was another noise besides the water. Elsa was singing. It had to be Elsa. The noise was in the apartment, and it was a woman singing.
Anna had never heard anything like it. Well, no, in fact she had heard voices like it. But they had always been on the radio, on TV, in movies, or more than likely in front of bands on the stage at Oaken's. Elsa had an incredible voice. Anna didn't recognise the song that she was singing, but she could feel the emotion within the notes, she could feel everything that Elsa was pouring into it. Anna could stand there all night and listen to that voice. Elsa was full of surprises, and Anna had learnt a few of them in quick succession tonight.
So wrapped up was Anna in listening to Elsa sing that she handed noticed that Hans' snores had ceased.
He sat up groggily on the couch and rubbed his eyes.
"I haven't heard her do that in so long…" He sighed, making Anna jump. She had forgotten he was there at all.
"It's beautiful." Anna whispered.
The memory of that first time she heard Elsa sing would stay with Anna for the rest of her life, long after she said goodnight to Hans and regretfully let herself out of number seven. She hadn't wanted Elsa to find her eavesdropping in the living room in the early hours of the morning, but she hadn't wanted to leave either.
Anna lay in her bed that night and sleep claimed her rapidly. She thought that she would struggle to find peace with all the new information that had been jammed into her brain that evening, and yet she slipped easily into a deep slumber, subconsciously promising herself that she was think it all through more carefully in the morning. That night, Anna's dreams were filled with Elsa's song.