The Chance to Fly, Chapter Ten
A.N: Hello faithful readers! As always, thanks for hanging in there. We are beginning to get somewhere, promise. As I said last time, the next few chapters are a bit intense, but you knew it had to happen some time!
So, on we go! I hope you enjoy, do let me know your thoughts, feelings, frustrations. I'm always listening!
When Anna awoke the following morning it took a minute or two of remembering before the events of the night before came pouring back into her mind. She recalled the sorry sight of a drunken and distressed Hans baring his soul to her at the bar. She recalled learning what had happened to Elsa's parents with a sensation that felt like cold hands taking hold of her heart and squeezing it. She recalled Elsa's voice, singing with such pure beauty and abandon.
The overwhelming nature of last night's revelations weighed heavily on Anna. She had decided just 24 hours ago that she needed to distance herself a little from the gorgeous, taken, and almost definitely straight woman next door. Now, with the knowledge of what Elsa has recently been through, Anna wanted nothing more than to barge into the number seven apartment, sweep Elsa into a tight hug and tell her that everything is going to be OK. And then probably spend the rest of the day stroking that glossy blonde hair or something.
Of course, Anna knew how absurd that would be. She knew it was Hans' job to comfort his own girlfriend. She also knew that Elsa wasn't even aware that Anna knew about what had happened. If Elsa wanted Anna to know then she would have told her. Not to mention the fact that as far as Elsa knew Anna was also 100% into men (everyone is straight until proven otherwise, right?). The idea of anything other than platonic, neighbourly friendship between the two had probably never occurred to Elsa, as far as Anna was concerned.
Anna did her best to empty her head of this most recent conundrum, deeming it all too much for consideration this early in the morning.
The redhead threw herself out of bed, dressed with haste and sprang into the kitchen where Kristoff was seated at the table, laptop open and a thoughtful look upon his face.
"Morning." Anna said, surprising herself with how tired she sounded, despite her speedy morning ablutions.
"Good morning, little sister." Kristoff chirped. "How was work last night?"
For a fleeting moment Anna contemplated breaking down and just spilling her guts to her big brother. She wanted to tell him that Hans had drunkenly divulged too much information, she wanted to tell him that she had accidently fallen truly, madly, deeply in love with their new neighbour. She wanted to tell somebody something at least. But she stopped herself.
"Yeah, it was fine." She replied. Turning to peruse the selection of cereal on the counter.
"Good. Listen, Anna, that meeting I had yesterday with the sponsors…" Kristoff started, pushing the top of his laptop down a bit so he could see Anna, "they want me to do another comp." he finished.
"That's great, Kristoff!" Anna shrieked, turning her attention back to Kristoff and rounding the table in a single bound before wrapping her arms around her brother's neck.
"Thanks," he replied, patting her arm gently. "But… it's in New Zealand. And I'll be gone for a month." He finished, pulling back so he could read the reaction on Anna's face.
"Oh." She said. "Well… that's still great Kristoff. I'm proud of you." Anna spoke quietly but with complete honesty.
"You sure?" he asked tentatively.
"Am I sure I'm proud of you? Of course I am, you big doof!" Anna replied, roughing up Kristoff's blond hair. She knew what her brother was actually asking her, but for some reason she didn't trust herself to answer quite honestly.
"Anna. You know what I mean." He said sombrely, shoving her back gently.
"Kristoff. I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. A month isn't that long, and you'll have an amazing time!" She said, forcing as genuine a smile as she could manage onto her face. And she wasn't lying, she was a big girl, and she could take care of herself. True, right now she felt a little bit like she struggling to keep her head above water with her feelings for Elsa and her awkward friendship with Hans. But she was also proud of her brother, and she wanted him to take every opportunity he was offered.
"Thanks, Anna. To be honest, I'm kind of glad Hans is next door now. Someone to keep an eye you!" he said, only half joking but still trying to lighten the rather heavy conversation topic he had thrust at Anna the minute he saw her. Anna bit her tongue, forcing her face to remain neutral regardless of the emotions that were bubbling up inside her at Kristoff's comment. The idea of Hans keeping an eye of her seemed almost laughable that morning.
"Right, yeah. Anyway, I'm going to go out for a bit, get some… groceries." She said, grabbing her keys and making a swift exit into the hall.
Anna could feel the tension within her creeping upwards steadily. She needed to get out, get away from the apartment – and in doing so get away from the apartment next door – she needed a bit of fresh air, a bit of time to herself. Suddenly she needed it all rather desperately.
Anna shut the door behind her with a bang, completely missing Kristoff calling after her that she hadn't had any breakfast. She found that she was rather anxious to be outside and on her own and she nearly had her wish. She rounded the end of the hallway and put her first step on the stairwell when she heard her name being shouted.
"Anna!"
She took a deep breath, forcing her shoulders into a relaxed position and looked up. Hans was lurking by the door to her apartment, he appeared to be wincing slightly, Anna surmised it was perhaps a little painful for him to raise his voice much on this particular morning.
"Hi." Anna replied, the tension in her shoulders multiplying. She resigned herself to another probably uncomfortable run-in with the auburn haired man. She could see her morning out in the fresh air drifting out of her grasp. Hans walked slowly towards Anna and met her by the railing to the stairwell.
"Anna, I'm so sorry." He said in earnest, reaching out and tugging both of her hands tentatively. Anna was about to speak, about to reassure him that it was fine, that they didn't need to talk about it, about to make her escape. But Hans carried on. "What I said, about Elsa, it was totally unnecessary. I shouldn't have told you what happened to her parents, I shouldn't have… it's not up to me to discuss that kind of stuff." Hans rambled on, remorse etched onto every inch of his face.
"Hans," Anna sighed, there was no avoiding this talk, "You clearly needed to talk about it. It's OK. I'm not going to let Elsa know about it. You're right; it's up to her. But you're dealing with it too. You should have someone to talk to about it." Anna ventured. Inwardly she was hoping and praying that 'someone to talk to' was not going to be her. Though, really, Anna was learning for herself how much a person needed to have someone else to discuss personal problems with.
"You're right. I let it get on top of me last night. Sometimes I just need to… I don't know." Hans trailed off. It was clear to Anna that the man was still feeling not small amount of anguish.
"It's fine, Hans. Look, I've got to—" Anna tried once more to make a break for it, but Hans interrupted.
"And, oh God, I told you how long it had been since Elsa and I… were intimate." Hans covered his face with an exasperated hand as though that particular snippet of the night before had only just re-emerged. The idea of wanting the ground to swallow oneself whole is an image far too regularly used, but Anna could the desire for just that seeping into every inch of Hans. She couldn't help but feel for the guy.
Anna nodded and shuffled her feet. She was thankful that at least Hans was being less crude with his wording in the harsh light of day. Hans winced once more.
"I shouldn't have said that either. I was… frustrated. For lack of a better word. But I shouldn't have talked about our relationship like that, not with you." Hans reiterated.
"I agree. Your sex life is not something I really want to discuss with you. Maybe that's something you should to Elsa about?" Anna suggested, trying anything to steer the conversation in a less personal direction.
"I'm not sure that would go well." Hans said quietly. "Anyway, look, Anna, I just wanted to thank-you for putting up with me last night."
"I work in a bar. It's part of the territory!" Anna joked. It wasn't really true. Working in a bar wasn't exactly what the old movies made it out to be. Anna was rarely used as some kind of alcohol-providing agony aunt, and on those few occasions when customers did want to vent, it wasn't about people that Anna actually knew.
"You're a good friend, Anna." Hans let out. He looked Anna in the eye, and she knew that he was truly sorry about what had occurred the night before. And Anna did feel for him. It must be incredibly hard to be the sole comfort for someone who had lost pretty much everything. Anna remembered that Elsa had said she was an only child. Losing her parents must have been earth shattering for her, and supporting her through it must have been almost equally painful for Hans. She suddenly had a great respect for the man before her, she was able to put his indiscretion into context. Anna put a hand on his upper arm and rubbed it gently.
"I'm sure Elsa appreciates everything you've done for her, you know." Anna said softly. She felt Hans tremble slightly at her words.
"Thank-you." He replied just quietly. Then he seemed to shake himself a little bit. "Still, I do apologise for my behaviour. I'm not usually much of a drinker, and clearly I went a little too far last night. My conduct was inappropriate towards you. I hope I didn't offend you." Hans said, looking once more into Anna's eyes. He seemed indisputably embarrassed, and Anna couldn't help but feel for the guy.
"You didn't, I understand." She said, finding that her words were, in fact, true.
"Anyway, I better go back. I haven't seen Elsa yet today, and she's bound to have noticed my state last night." Hans said, looking over his shoulder as though the woman herself may be watching him. Anna smiled.
"I'm sure she'll be fine." She said. Hoping for Hans' sake that she was right. "I'm going to head out now, anyway. Take it easy Hans." Anna added, finally making her way back towards the stairwell.
"See you around Anna, and thank-you again!" Hans called to her retreating form. Anna lifted an arm in response as she hopped down the first couple of steps.
"Drink lots of water!" Anna called up to Hans, she heard him let out a laugh in response as she ducked out of sight and down the rest of the stairs.
By the time Anna made it to the lower foyer of her building her pace was practically at a run. She burst out of the doors, thankful that there had been nobody loitering the other side of them. She found herself on the street and gasping slightly for air.
To say it was out of character for Anna to feel this level of negative tension clogging up her mind would be an understatement. Anna was pretty much the definition of happy-go-lucky. She took life as it came, and generally it was good to her. Many people might expect a child who grew up knowing very little about her father to carry some kind of chink in their emotional armour. Many people might expect anybody whose sexuality didn't match the majority would have some kind of psychological scarring to show for their years of doubt and discovery. But Anna didn't fit either of those stereotypes.
True, her father was a bit of a shadowy figure. She knew his name and she knew about the relationship he had had with her mother. But she didn't miss him, she didn't long for a father-figure, she didn't spend her nights wondering if he thought about her. If he did ever think about her enough to want to get in touch, then he knew how to go about it. If not, well, so be it.
And as far as Anna's preference for the so-called fairer sex went, it had always been a bit of a non-issue in her family. She had been a complete tomboy growing up. Sure, she kept her hair long and she would often wear dresses and skirts, but there is more to being a tomboy than appearance. Anna had always had the demeanour of a tomboy. She was hardly one for delicate sensibilities. As a child, her knees were always scraped and bruised. She spent half her days clambering up pine trees with Kristoff, and the other half fishing in the mountain tributaries once the ice had melted. She had little time for girl talk, and tears were rarely seen staining her cheeks. Of course, being a tomboy does not equate an interest in women, but it came as no surprise when, in her teenage years, it became clear that that was where Anna's interest lay. She had always had boyfriends, but they were exactly that; boy friends. When Anna had first brought home a little dark haired girl from school, it had been not only the first girl friend that Anna had invited to the house, but also the first time Anna's mother had ever seen her daughter blush.
There had been no big conversation, no tense wringing of hands and deliverance of uncomfortable explanations, no hugs of acceptance and promises of eternal parental love. It hadn't been necessary.
Now, as Anna made her way along the street, with her arms pulling her jacket tight and wrapping around her own waist, head bowed and no destination in mind, she wished that she did have a couple of girl friends to discuss her problems with. It hadn't been a conscious decision that all her friends were guys. It just seemed to have happened. Anna hadn't grown up with a sister, she had never been entirely sure of the etiquette that came along with female friends. At this particular moment, she regretted that fact deeply. What was she going to do? Go and spill her guts to Magnus? Have a heart to heart with Oaken and Sven? Neither of those options were looking particularly favourable.
Anna spied a small stone on the sidewalk ahead of her and when she reached it, she swung her foot back and gave it a good kick. She watched the stone leap along the path in front of her and sighed. This turmoil was alien. She was tempted to call her mom. They hadn't spoken in a while, apart from the odd text message to check in. Her mom would probably understand, she'd probably have some suggestion as to how to deal with Hans, and maybe even how to forget about Elsa.
But Anna didn't want to forget about Elsa. She felt that, in fact, she probably couldn't forget about Elsa even the two never crossed paths again. Anna had never felt this way about anyone.
The redhead was at a loss. When it was simply her regrettable feelings for the mysterious goddess next door, she could at least control them and convince herself that said goddess was in a happy, loving and committed relationship. Now though, now she knew that not only was the relationship not as happy as she had thought, but Elsa herself was far from happy. Anna had compassion coming out of her ears. She could feel herself overflowing with emotion. Something had to give.
After he had watched Anna out of sight. Hans turned to head towards his own apartment. He felt a bit better after talking to the redhead. He had at least apologised, which is what he had needed and wanted to do since the moment he opened his bleary eyes. And Anna had seemed to understand. She hadn't seemed upset of too put-off by his behaviour, although he still couldn't forgive himself for it. Plus, Anna had agreed not to tell Elsa what had happened, or what he had let slip. Hans still couldn't believe he had told Anna all of that. The only reason he could come up with for his loose lip syndrome was that he felt an innate trust in Anna. There was something about the sparky, younger girl that he had found instantly likeable, something open. 'Open' wasn't something that Hans had been very familiar with recently. But Anna was so upfront, so down-to-earth. It was refreshing.
For a fleeting moment after their first encounter Hans had asked himself whether he was perhaps attracted to Anna. Thinking of that internal query now though would have made him laugh out loud if it wasn't so likely to prompt veins of pain in his already aching head. He was not attracted to Anna. He was aware that she was attractive, but he wasn't into it. If anything, he envied Kristoff for having her as a little sister. Hans would have liked a sister, rather than an abundance of older brothers.
The auburn haired man reach his door and snuck back into his apartment, wondering if Elsa had appeared yet. She was usually up before him but this morning his splitting headache had forced him from his slumber earlier than normal.
Sure enough, on turning towards the kitchen, contemplating a steaming mug of coffee, Hans saw Elsa perched at the counter.
"Good morning." She said, a slightly pitying smile on her face. "You were back late."
Just from her expression Hans could tell that Elsa knew he was not feeling quite 100% that morning. He just nodded, a little thrown by the expression his girlfriend wore.
"Coffee? I've just made you some." She said, standing gracefully from her seat.
"Yes please." Hans uttered gratefully.
Elsa pottered about in the kitchen for a moment or two before returning with a tray holding a fresh pot of coffee, two mugs and a few slices of toast. She passed Hans without a word and went to the living area, depositing the tray on the coffee table, moving Hans' shoes from where they had remained since the night before, and folding the blanket. Hans followed her silently and sat down. Elsa poured him a large mug of coffee and one for herself. Hans sipped the hot liquid appreciatively and watched Elsa turn to face him, lifting her legs onto the couch and bending them beneath her.
"I'm sorry about last night." She said. Hans raised his eyebrows. He had not been expecting that.
"You don't have to—" he began.
"No. I shouldn't have shouted at you. I know you're only trying to help, I know you're always trying to help. I haven't been fair to you." She continued. Hans sat in stunned silence.
"Did you have a good time?" She asked, interest clear in her voice.
"I… drank too much." Hans admitted. Elsa laughed. He couldn't remember the last time he heard her laugh when they were alone.
"Elsa, what—" Hans wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but his hung-over brain couldn't quite find the polite way to raise the query.
"What's going on?" Elsa suggested. Hans wondered if the blonde had developed telekinesis over night. First she told him that she knew he always tries to help her – a fact that he's often wondered if she was aware of – and now she can tell what he's about to say. He nodded once more. For a normally chatty guy, words were not forthcoming this morning. Elsa sighed.
"It's time for a change. I've been wallowing for too long. Since my parents… since the accident, I've just been… alive. Not living, you know?" Elsa asked. Hans nodded again, shocked into silence at Elsa's openness.
"It's been horrible. The worst year of my life. Every morning I still wake up and have to remember that it wasn't all some sick nightmare." She continued, Hans reached for her hand and she allowed him to take it.
"I miss them. But I'm always going to miss them. I can't continue to live like this, I can't continue to allow you to live like this." Elsa insisted, giving Hans' hand a squeeze in her own.
"I haven't been fair to myself and I haven't been fair to you. It's still going to be hard, it's still going to hurt, but I have to try to get back to some sort of normality." She finished and looked thoroughly relieved to have got all of her words out. Hans pulled her in for a hug.
"I can't tell you how happy I am to hear you talk like this, babe." He said softly, stroking her hair.
"If there's anything I can do, anything at all, then I'll do it. You only have to ask me." he said, pulling back and looking directly at her. What he saw on her face surprised him. Elsa sighed, and leaned back, sitting on her feet.
"I know that this morning may not be the best time for this conversation, Hans, and I'm sorry you probably have a bit of a headache already, but… Hans, I think we need to talk about us."