The Endless Summer?
Chapter Three; Week Two: Guilt, Pain, suffering and permanent nostalgia.
The denial, shock and false hope was soon followed by guilt. Guilt over the relationship. Guilt towards myself and him. I blamed myself for everything. It must be my fault. There something wrong with me! I thought. That's the only explanation for the break up. I must be too fat. Too ugly. Too smart. Too me. That's what I've got to change! There must be something wrong with me!
The pain settled in after the guilt had subsided. My heart felt like it had shattered in my chest. I felt like my chest was heaving. The pain was just physically though. Oh no. The pain was mentally to. All the negative thoughts towards myself from the guilt caused me to feel hurt mentally too. It made me feel like I couldn't function properly. No, it didn't make me feel like i couldn't function properly. It made it completely impossible to function properly. The thing that made the pain hit me even harder was that fact that he consumed every one of my thoughts. Everything I did made me think of him.
My biggest mistake though was trying to avoid the feelings. Trying to avoid the feelings, made it harder to cope with when i decided to acknowledge that I wasn't going to recover if i didn't let myself feel them.
After the pain had gone, the suffering came to stay. The suffering was the worst part because I couldn't even get up out of bed because it hurt too much. My family and friends had started to worry about me, but I couldn't even sum up the energy to care. All the care I possessed was taken away when he left me. It felt like i had been slapped in the face because the one person I cared about was gone. Gone like a cold breeze in summer... Non -existent. I felt bad because they were trying to help, but in reality their helping, was not helping because they just made the suffering worse, the kept telling me that he was not worth my time. That he was just a dick who didn't care about me. But they didn't know him like I did. They didn't get to see his sweet and caring side. They didn't see his playful and daring side. Because he wasn't here with me long enough to. But either way they didn't know him like I did and they did not help at all. All they did was remind me of him when I was trying my hardest to forget about him.
Along side the suffering came the nostalgic feeling, which made the suffering worse to come to terms with.
'Come on Ally. It won't kill you.' He said teasingly.
'How do you know? It could kill me.' I said seriously.
'It won't. You're over reacting. What's the worst that could happen?' He said, laughing.
We had decided to take a trip to the arcade and beach. And he was currently trying to persuade me to play on one of the casino type games. I had been refusing all afternoon. The only game i was willing to take part in was a game of air hockey.
'The worst?' I scoffed. 'well since you asked, the worst that could happen is that I give your stupid juvenile game a go, then i ge hooked on it and squander all of my money on that stupid game and become poor and homeless, spending the little bit of money that i do get from begging on the streets on the same stupid, money grabbing games.' I said sincerely.
'Come on. You and i both know that's not going to happen. Your the most head strong person I know. And we both know that you would never let that happen.' he said, looking in to my eyes. Chocolate and hazel combining.
'Fine. One go. That's your lot.' i relented.
'Yes. Fine. Then we can head to the beach.' he replied joyfully.
I had a go at the stupid arcade game, and apparently arcade games was another thing to add to the list of things that Ally Dawson was not very good at. We quickly made our way to the beach and set out our towels. He pulled his shirt over his head, kicked off his shoes and pulled his socks off, leaving him in just his swim shorts.
'Corr Ally, drool much?' He smirked at me.
I just turned around in reply and removed my dress and sandals, leaving me in just my bikini. I turned around to find him staring at me, his mouth a gape.
'Corr Austin, drool much? If you're not careful you'll catch flies.' I smirked, before turning on my heels and running off in the direction of the ocean, my shades a top my head.
'That's it Dawson, you've had it!' Austin exclaimed chasing after me.
He soon caught up with me, grabbing a hold of my hips, quickly turning me around to face him as the cool ocean water laps around our ankles. My arms found their way around his neck, my fingers lacing together at the nape. His face got closer to mine, his mouth changing direction and advancing on the lobe of my ear. He bit down gently on it, before whispering into it 'Now, that wasn't very nice was it. You reveal that to me and then go running off, before i even got to fully enjoy the view.'
'Hmm, well perhaps you should give me something first.' I said.
He only gave me enough time to get my words out before his lips came crashing to mine. Our lips melded together, his tongue pushing past my parted lips, connecting with my tongue, battling for dominance.
He pulled away, panting slightly. Before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards our stuff and gathering it all quickly. Then pulling me towards the car.
'I'm going to finish what I started now.' he said as he shifted the car into drive and drove back to my apartment building.