Guys, I cannot apologize enough. I hate giving excuses, but I've had a rough couple of months and psychologically I have not been well. I managed to stay out of the hospital, but I have to go to IOP four days a week for 3 hours and I am still in school full time. Needless to say things have been nuts. I haven't given up on this story. Please forgive me, and let me know what you would like to see in this story.
Two weeks after everything kind of blew up with Henry, Emma and Regina hand managed to find a psychiatrist in another town about 30 minutes outside of their unconventional town. Henry wanted to join his parents, but Regina explained to him that for now, for that day at least, she and Emma had to go handle this alone.
"I promise, when we get back we can talk about some of what happened. No details though ok?" Henry nodded and hugged his mother, letting Regina to kiss his cheek. Emma had noticed that ever since that day Henry became much more affectionate with his mother. He spent more time with Regina, did his homework in whatever room she was in and visiting her office when he got off school. Emma knew that he was protecting his mother in the only way he knew how and Emma had to love him for it, but it worried her and Regina all the same. Henry could not protect Regina from the past and even if he could, it was not his job to do so and they had been trying to let him know that.
Snow and Charming would be staying with the girls and Henry had made plans to spend the night at a friend's house after school so he would be out of the house for the weekend. Emma stood by the door, watching Regina go over the instructions for the girls with Charming who would be alone with the girls while Snow was at work.
"Gina, honey, he helped bring them into this world. I think he can handle being the babysitter. Regina sighed and let Charming lift Davina from her arms. Emily was napping in the living room so Regina kissed the baby in Charming arms and turned towards Emma and nodded. They carefully made their way out to the car and began their journey out of town. The car ride was quiet and Emma didn't know if she should try to change that or just let Regina have her silence if that is what she needed. They arrived at the doctor's office early so Emma suggested they grab some coffee at a café across the street in an effort to kill some time and calm their nerves. Regina agreed and they grabbed some coffee to go before stepping back out into the still cold winter air. As they walked toward the doctor's office Regina silently reached over and took Emma's freehand and laced their fingers together.
Emma leaned over and kissed Regina's cheek. "I'm right here baby. It'll be ok." Once inside they took a seat in the waiting room and Emma was happy that no one else was there to make Regina feel threatened or unsafe. At exactly 10am the door opened on the other side of the room and a young woman in her 30's walked over to them.
"Good morning ladies. I'm Dr. Williams. Which one of you is Regina?" Regina stepped forward and shook the doctor's hand. "It's nice to meet you face to face Mayor Mills."
"Please call me Regina. And this is my wife Emma." The two women shook hands and everyone shared a slightly awkward smile.
"Nice to meet you both. Now, is Emma staying out here or will she be joining us?" Regina instinctively moved closer to Emma and let the blonde wrap her arms around her.
"I want her with me." The doctor smiled and nodded, gesturing for them both to follow her into the office. "Of course, now let's head back here and get started shall we?" Once in the office, Regina took a seat on the couch and quickly pulled Emma down so that she was sitting practically in her lap. Dr. Williams took her seat and placed a notebook in her lap and turned her attention to the two women.
"Alright ladies, I got a basic idea of what brought you here today when I spoke to Regina over the phone, but I'm going to ask again for a brief breakdown of what we are doing here this morning."
Regina took a deep breath, "We've had a lot happen in the last few weeks. Our teenage son found out some things about my past and trauma I experienced during my first marriage. It's caused a lot of upset in the house, for everyone." The doctor nodded as she took some notes.
"All this on top of Regina having given birth very recently."
"You mentioned on the phone that you had twin girls correct?" Regina nodded. "Yes, Emily and Davina." Regina smiled as she showed the doctor one of hundreds of the photos of the girls on her phone.
"They are beautiful ladies, congratulations. Even with such a happy event, it does add a lot of stress and then you had this very difficult conversation with you son."
"That day was rough for everyone." Regina tried to deflect, but the doctor gently pushed.
"I agree. When our children are old enough to know that we've suffered trauma it's a hard time, but I want to give credit to the fact that that day was probably hardest on you."
"I just don't want Henry to be so angry at a ghost. I've done that and it doesn't help or change anything." The doctor nodded.
"Seeing me is the 1st time you have sought professional help for this subject correct?" Regina nodded. "I never wanted to discuss it before, but Henry found out and one day the girls will find out too and I need to deal with this before then."
"Regina you don't need to put that kind of pressure on yourself. Setting a date may not help you. It's ok to just let the therapy work at a pace that makes you feel safe."
"I can't keep pushing it away. It always comes back to bite me and I never handle it well."
"What does not handling it well look like for you?"
Regina took a deep breath and looked at Emma who smiled to encourage her. "Isolation, very heavy drinking, some darker things during the years I was married before."
"Darker things meaning what?" Regina stiffened slightly and Emma reached over and held her hand, kissed her cheek and whispered some encouraging words in her ear.
"I don't like speaking about it."
"I know Regina, but I just need to know what your rock bottom looks like so we can make sure to keep you from going back to that place." Regina still seemed like she was going to refuse to talk so the doctor tried something else.
"Would it help if I listed some darker things that I frequently see and you just say yes or no?" Regina looked to Emma who nodded that she thought that was a good middle ground. "Ok."
"Isolation in your first marriage?"
"I tried, but it was hard. He was very controlling."
"Isolation now?"
"Not since the girls have been born, but before then yes. Emma calls them my dark days. I usually can't get out of bed."
"How many of those days would you say you have a year?"
"12." Both Emma and Regina answered. It wasn't a guess. They both knew how many days Regina had a year where life seemed just too hard to handle.
"How about excessive drinking?"
"Not during my first marriage. He drank very heavily and me drinking would've been dangerous for me. I had to be sober so I could defend myself. When Emma found out what I experienced in my first marriage it triggered an alcoholic bender that I'm not proud to admit I do not remember. Emma had to tell me about it later."
"Do you drink now?"
"Every now and then, but not since I got pregnant and when this happened with Henry I made Emma get rid of the alcohol in the house. Just to be safe." The doctor added to her notes before moving on.
"Self injury?" Regina's face feel and she reached for Emma's hand to stay grounded.
"Toward the end of the marriage, yes." Emma knew where this was going and she hated it. Once the things that Regina did in her past were forgiven and she admitted to her actions, the psychological pains became more apparent. Yes Regina had killed, but once all of that faded away Emma realized how broken her wife had been.
"May I ask what you used? What you did?"
"Hunting knifes usually. Broken glass on the odd occasion." Emma rubbed Regina's back to soother her as she started to shake slightly.
"Suicidal ideation."
"Yes."
"Any suicide attempts?" Regina looked away and held her head in her hands, making Emma reach forward and bring her wife into her arms, trying to soothe Regina who already seemed to be beating herself up.
"I'm here Gina, you can tell her." The doctor gave the couple space and let Emma take control of helping her wife.
"Gina, you need to tell her. You can let it out baby, you don't have to carry it alone anymore." Regina looked at Emma and the blonde brushed tears away from her wife's eyes. Regina sniffled and snuggled closer to Emma who let her wife set the tone for their physical contact in that moment.
"Yes." The doctor nodded and put her notebook down.
"Thank you Regina, I know that it's hard talking about this stuff. Would you like a minute alone or some water? We can take a break."
Regina shook her head. "No, I need to get this out now or I'll never finish." The doctor nodded.
"Of course, just let me know if you need to stop. Are you currently suicidal?"
"No, I would never do anything like that again. Not now. I have Emma, Henry and my girls. I have too much love in my life to want to leave it ever again."
"I'm glad to hear that. In the previous attempts how fatal were they?"
"Obviously not very or I wouldn't be here. The first one I tried to jump from a high place, but someone rescued me and the second time I passed out from blood loss, but I survived."
"Thank you Regina. Again, I know that it is hard to talk about that kind of thing. Moving forward I would like to speak about the trauma that your son found out about." Regina took a deep breath and looked both terrified and angry.
"Can I speak plainly about that?"
"Of course."
"I was essentially forced to marry a man who was 3 times my age for the purpose of family politics. I was 18 and was forced to be a wife and a stepmother to a child who was only 6 years younger than I was. He wanted another child, he wanted a son and he was going to fuck me day and night until he put a child inside of me. He didn't care that I was a virgin, he didn't care that he was twice my size, he didn't care period. Once I had two miscarriages he was so angry that I wouldn't give him what he wanted that he channeled that anger into every aspect of our lives. If we were alone together I was either getting beaten or raped. We were married for ten years before he finally drank himself to death and I can't remember many times where I went for longer than a week without being assaulted somehow." Regina told her story in simple terms and with almost no emotion to her voice and Emma knew she had to do it like that in order to finish it. Once she was silent she went back to curling up into Emma and then the tears came. The doctor grabbed a bottle of water and put it next to Emma for when Regina finally came up for air, but otherwise she once again gave the couple space. When the sobbing started to stop Regina picked her head up, but stayed wrapped in Emma's arms.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't ever apologize about crying Regina. It is healthy and after what you just told me it is more than appropriate. No need to be sorry."
"I just feel like I'm falling apart."
"I know, but that is exactly why you coming here was a fantastic first step. It's ok to fall apart Regina. From what you've told me today and over the phone you have spent your whole life keeping it together and everyone, even the strongest people have a breaking point and as uncomfortable as it is, I think you've reached yours. And it's a good thing. You can cry and let it out and then you and I and even your family can help you process your feelings from the past and the present so that one day when you do tell your daughters, you can feel pride in yourself. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Good, then that is where we start." They spent the rest of the session discussing when they would meet, goals of the therapy, having a family session in a few weeks and just in general getting Regina to feel calmer before they left for the day. Dr. Williams gave Regina and Emma her card and her email and told both women to call her if they need to before their next appointment. When they left the office Regina felt better once the cold air from outside hit her body and she felt as though she could breathe easier.
"You ok?" Emma wrapped her arms around Regina's waist.
"I'm tired."
"Just tired?"
"Tired and I think I'd like to go home and snuggle with my daughters and my wife." Emma kissed Regina's neck and hand in hand they walked to the car. Emma started up the car and was not at all surprised when 15 minutes into the drive home she could hear Regina softly snoring. She slept the whole way home and Emma had to gently wake her up when they reached the house.
"Gina, baby we're home." Regina slowly woke up and noticed they were in the driveway.
"Is Henry at his friend's house?"
"Yeah baby, he called me about 10 minutes ago and they just got to the house, so it's just my parents in the house." Regina nodded and got out of the car, stretching her points and muscles as she did. She and Emma solely walked into the house and it was oddly quiet.
"The girls must be sleeping." Emma went upstairs and Regina followed close behind. Snow was in their bedroom folding the babies' laundry and Emma found her dad reading a book in the nursery with Apollo asleep at his feet. Regina walked into the bedroom and without saying much of anything to Snow she grabbed a t-shirt of Emma's and went into the bathroom to change. Emma followed and helped finish folding the clothes.
"How did it go?"
"I think Gina likes her. So I think well. She is tired though so let's get this out of here so she can nap. Thanks for doing laundry by the way."
"Of course, I figured you guys would be tired when you got back." Snow and Emma put the laundry away and Emma then quickly picked up Davina and let her mother pick up Emily and place her in Emma's free arm.
"Regina wants to nap with me and the kids, you guys are free to head home if you'd like, or stay, up to you." Her parents nodded and Emma looked down at the dog. "Come on boy, let's go nap with momma." Apollo led the way out of the room and was sitting at the foot of the bed when Emma entered her bedroom. Regina was under the covers and was just awake enough to notice Emma placing the girls in between the two of them. The girls stayed asleep and Regina quickly passed out too. Emma called the dog up on the bed and he sniffed at the girl, like he always did.
"Apollo, protect your babies." Emma had noticed that like Regina, the girls had Apollo's protection in a deep way. The growing German Shepard's activity was to curl around the girls whenever they were playing or sleeping. Emma snuggled into her own spot on the bed and though she didn't sleep, she was happy that for once in the last few weeks, everyone seemed to be feeling some level of peace and that was enough to allow her to relax.
So please let me know what you want to see, because I'm not going to make this whole story about Regina's past, but it will pop up now and then. Thank you for sticking with me.