AN: Special thanks to peddlergirl for helping me polish this one. I'd also like to thank emilou99 and peddlergirl for reviewing every chapter I've posted. Your feedback helps me greatly.

Sam barely let you out of his sight once you returned to the motel. He finally recognized that confinement was only going to make you more edgy and irritable.

"Please, Sam. Just let me blow off some steam. I'll be right outside the entrance and on the phone with Cass the entire time." You needed to get some space desperately. Also, you weren't crazy about Sam listening in on your conversation with Castiel. It's not that you were going to say anything that he didn't already know, you just wanted privacy.

Castiel knew more about your past than anyone else. He didn't know everything, but he knew more than even Dean did. It wasn't because you'd volunteered anything—almost the opposite actually.

THEN

Castiel was an angel when you'd first met. He'd been weakened from purgatory though. You suspected that this was the only reason he didn't get the full picture.

You were headed back to the motel with fresh food and supplies. You idly wondered if you preferred the motel or Rufus's old cabin. Since you'd started hunting with Sam and Dean, the motel situation changed slightly. You had to find two rooms instead of one and they both insisted that your room was next door or across the hall. Sam and Dean usually managed to get two adjoining rooms so you weren't constantly knocking on each other's doors with research or anything else.

You entered your room and dropped the supplies on the table and headed to open the door separating you from the Winchesters. You could hear a muffled conversation coming from the other side.

You thought nothing of it until you clearly heard Dean shouting. "Wait. No!"

You pulled a gun out of your jacket and quickly pulled the adjoining door open. You didn't recognize the man filling up the door frame. His presence was powerful and threatening. He wasn't that much taller than you, but something about him made you feel small inside.

"Who are you?" His voice was low and dark. You couldn't see past him to Sam and Dean as you backed up into your room.

"You've got this all wrong." You refused to back away anymore or show weakness. "You're going to tell me who or what the fuck you are before I start trying to figure it out. Silver bullets. After that, I get to improvise."

The man continued to stand in the doorway. He cocked his head and squinted at you for a moment before Dean shoved past him from behind followed by Sam. Suddenly, they were standing between you and the stranger.

"Woah. Let's just slow down for a minute." Dean held out his hands towards the both of you.

You lowered your gun but were still full of suspicion. "I take it you guys know each other?"

Sam's eyes flicked between you and the stranger. "Yeah… Y/N, this is Castiel. Castiel, this is Y/N. She's been hunting with us recently."

You dropped your weapon and stood there in shock. "Castiel? Like Cass… THE Castiel?!" You couldn't help but stare breathlessly at Dean. You'd only heard stories, but you knew how much he meant to Sam and Dean. "You told me he died in purgatory."

"I did. That's what I thought at least. And yeah, it's really him." Dean allowed himself to relax as the tension in the room dropped.

Your gaze was drawn back to Castiel in awe. How the hell is he alive and out of purgatory…? Castiel hadn't moved from his spot. His head was still tilted to one side and the way he looked into your eyes unnerved you. His gaze was piercing and he looked as if he was trying to solve some sort of puzzle.

"Y/N…" Castiel's face pinched in sadness and his voice sounded strained. "I—there are no words—"

Shit. Castiel was an angel. You allowed yourself to forget about the powers that went with that for a moment. "Look, you just spooked me. I heard Dean yell and I thought these two might need me to save their asses. Again." You managed to cut him off before he could say anymore. Castiel looked as if he wanted to continue speaking.

"Hey, I seem to remember scooping your butt out of the fire on the last hunt." Sam was quick to respond with a grin.

"Yeah… whatever." You shook off the remark. "That was one time. I don't know how you guys ever survived without me." You decided on using humor and smugness as a cover for whatever Castiel had shaken loose.

"So… we're good here?" Dean glanced between you and Castiel.

"Yeah. We're… good, Dean." Castiel looked back at you. "I think that I should have a word with, Y/N though. In private."

Nervousness flooded the room. Dean was quick to refuse. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Cass."

"It's fine, guys." You had some things to say to Castiel if this was what you thought it was.

There was a moment of silence before Sam finally broke in with a solution. "We'll take the weapons and keep the door cracked. Cass is going to need a place to sleep anyway and her room has an extra bed."

After a long moment of consideration, Dean nodded. "If I get so much as a bad feeling, we're switching up the rooms." Sam and Dean grabbed your duffle bag and backpack before heading back into their room.

You felt bad about putting Dean in a position that made him feel so nervous. You were slowly learning his signs of fear and anxiety. Right now, you figured that he could use whatever small comfort you could offer him. "Hey, Dean!" You nodded to the bags by the door leading outside. "I got your pie. I'll call you when we're done talking."

Dean smiled at you in appreciation. "You never forget the pie, do you?"

"Never." Dean and Sam were the kindest people you'd ever met and their lives were even shittier than yours. If being reliable and good to them outside of hunting meant things like remembering to pick up pie, you were pretty sure you could handle that.

Dean left you and Castiel to face each other. You had a chance to take a closer look and evaluate him. What struck you most was how seemingly ordinary he appeared to be on the surface. From what Dean had told you about him, you'd been expecting someone… different. You turned and walked towards the bags. Get your poker face on, Y/N.

"So, what? Do you always use angel mojo to look inside of stranger's heads? That seems a bit rude to me." You began mindlessly sorting out the supplies as you spoke with your back to him.

"Forgive me, it was not my intention to intrude. Sam and Dean had yet to mention you. I was determining whether or not you were a real threat." Castiel stood near the end of one of the beds.

"And…?" You prompted Castiel to continue as you turned to face him.

"You are dangerous… But you are not a threat to Sam or Dean." Castiel gazed up at you.

You'd played enough games—emotional and real—to know when someone is being conservative. "Cards on the table, Castiel. What did you see?"

Castiel let out a sigh and looked away for a moment. "Mostly just glimpses. Purgatory—I'm still weakened, but you could say I saw a little bit of everything that's been done to you." His expression was full of sadness and sympathy.

There was one question, you had to know… "Did you ever see me… alone…?" You kept your voice low and quiet.

"No. I'm not able to look that deeply at the moment, I was only able to see moments you've shared with others. I—"

"Good." You nodded to yourself. "Don't look anymore." Castiel's expression remained the same. The pity in his eyes… it felt as if it were burning into your soul. "Stop! Just… don't look at me like that. Ok?" You ran a hand through your hair and started pacing anxiously.

"Y/N, I don't understand…" Castiel moved into your personal space. He placed a hand on your shoulder and stopped your pacing. You looked up as his eyes widened.

You shrugged him off quickly. "You're doing it again… Please, stop it, Castiel." You let out a sigh of frustration and irritation. The last thing you wanted was for your past to come out. Sam and Dean would never look at you the same way again.

His head tilted again. "You're afraid that I'll tell Sam and Dean what I saw." Castiel noted the irritated look you shot at him. "That was just an observation by the way."

"I'm not afraid, Castiel." You scoffed. "I'm not afraid because if they find out anything, I'll know who let the cat out of the bag. This, hunting with Sam and Dean, as far as having a life goes… this is all I have. There is nothing else out there waiting for me." You took a deep breath and tried your best to look threatening. "If I lose this—all because you wanted to feel sorry for me—I will never forgive you. I—"

Castiel interrupted you before you could continue with your threat. "I will not forget what I saw, Y/N. I also won't tell Sam or Dean about it, but I think you should." His tone was firm, yet gentle.

You looked at Castiel like he was crazy and opened your mouth to argue.

"Don't tell them yet. But give the Winchesters some credit, Y/N. You have much in common." Castiel gave you something close to a smile. He sat down on the edge of the bed calmly.

You were taken aback. You'd expected the situation to escalate into a fight. You found yourself sitting down next to him.

Castiel kept looking forward as he spoke. "There are a few things that I need to tell you." He finally turned his gaze to you and placed a hand on your shoulder. You didn't shake him off this time. You could sense it was out of a desire to offer comfort. It felt… different when he tried to read you. "First, there is a God. I'm not sure that's a comfort to you, but there is a God. Second, when I looked into your memories again, I did it to understand how you felt. I've been told that I'm… bad when it comes to human emotions." Castiel let out a heavy sigh. "It's true that you've made some mistakes in life, you're only human, Y/N." He smiled to himself. He probably thought he was being incredibly witty. Then, he became completely serious again. "None of what I saw was your fault."

At those words, your heart sped up. No. NO. FUCK NO! You were not going there. Not here. Not with him, not with anyone. His grip tightened on your shoulder.

"Listen to me, Y/N. You did nothing to deserve that life." He continued to hold you firmly. "I do not say that out of pity." His eyes were so intense that you let yourself believe him for a moment. "I promise, I won't look into your memories again without your permission." At this, you felt yourself relax slightly. "I may have to look into your thoughts because of a hunt, but I will only do so when absolutely necessary. Do we have an understanding?"

You nodded and let go of all of the tension you'd been holding in. "Yeah… Yeah, Castiel, we have an understanding." Tentatively, you let your head rest on his shoulder. You sat like that for a few moments in silence and relief. "Do you think—" You swallowed against the rising anxiety of voluntarily letting someone else in the small circle of people you let yourself trust. "Do you think I could call you Cass too?"

The request combined with the gesture was not lost on Castiel. "I would be honored, Y/N."

NOW

You sniffed as you held your cell phone to your ear. Castiel didn't answer right away. Your anxiety and concern for him rose as you got closer and closer to voicemail.

"Hello?" Castiel's voice was groggy. He really wasn't doing well. You frowned.

"Hey Cass… It's me."

There was movement in the background and you could almost see him coming to attention for you. "Y/N! Are—" Castiel began coughing. "Are you alright? Sam told me he found you."

"Sam picked me up earlier. Did he fill you in on Dean?" You didn't want to talk about yourself at this exact moment.

Castiel's tone grew dark as he sighed. "Yes. Sam mentioned it. You know what needs to be done if—"

"Then it's a good thing that I'm going to find a way to save him. Whatever I find, I'll make it work even if it kills me." You were not going to think about the possibility of Dean being gone forever.

"Don't say that. You're just as important." Castiel's tone was soft and gentle as he spoke to you.

It was like he was reading your mind again even though there was no way he could. You had no response. Deep down, as much as you felt like one of the Winchesters, you knew that no matter what, you would never be as important as Sam, Dean, or Cass.

Cass waited for you to respond and eventually broke the silence, his voice full of concern. "You're not alright."

You drew your knees up to your chest as you sat on the bench and attempted to make yourself sound more upbeat. "What's going on with you? I listened to your messages… Even right now, you don't sound ok. And please don't lie to me. I'll only worry more."

You could hear him let out a breath on the other end. "The angel grace… it's deteriorating."

Oh shit, please don't let this be one more thing. "So… you're going back to being human?" Your voice was hopeful.

"No, Y/N." Cass sounded utterly exhausted.

"Then, what happens when the grace deteriorates?" You swallowed, your voice quiet.

"I deteriorate with it until it is gone." The implication was heavy in the silence.

If there was one thing you'd learned from the Winchesters, it was that misery loves company. You might as well open up a little. "You're right, Cass." Your voice broke on his name. "I'm not alright either."

Cass knew enough about you to appreciate the gravity of your words. "Y/N…"

"But don't worry about me, ok? Sam's driving me back to the bunker." You wiped the tears from your eyes. "It's the perfect distraction. Find a way to cure Dean and then work on a way to fix your grace." You forced out a laugh. "It's no problem. What will I do with the other twenty-three hours in the day?"

"Well, I imagine that you would need to sleep for some time and eat. There are other, more mundane tasks—"

"I was joking, Cass." Something about him missing jokes made you smile. "Hey. I missed you, Feather Brain."

"I missed you too, Y/N." There was a pause. "I know it's not easy for you to be away from Dean, but I'm relieved that Sam found you."

"Not for long, Cass. We're going to find him."

"If anyone can track down Dean, it's you and Sam."

Your phone started to beep with another call coming in. It was Sam. He was probably starting to worry. "Sam's gonna start pacing and wear a hole in the carpet if I don't get back. Stay safe, Cass. Take care of yourself." Please don't die.

"You too, Y/N."

You ended the call and returned to the room you shared with Sam. He gave you a look and opened his mouth. "You were worried. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm back for the night so calm down." You plopped on the bed and tried to focus on whatever Sam had been pretending to watch.

"Can you blame me?" Sam was giving you 'the look', the one with the sad puppy eyes.

You sighed and let some of your bravado fall away. "No. No, I can't blame you Sam. To you, I've been either dead or MIA with Dean until recently." It still stung a bit that Sam didn't consider that you could've been killed. Not because of anything personal, but because you wanted to think that someone would look for you if you'd died.

Sam's shoulders slumped as he let out a heavy sigh. He turned down the volume on the television. "Get some sleep. We've got some miles to put behind us tomorrow."

You rolled onto your side and eventually passed out. Your body may have given up, but your brain was on overdrive.

Dean's eyes. Black eyes. Blood—oh God, so much blood. The cruelty in his face… The mark glowed in the darkness as he turned to you. "I shoulda dropped your ass a long time ago. You're nothing but dead weight." Somewhere it registered that it was your blood.

"Please, Dean…" You were suspended from a hook. Your toes barely grazed the floor and your arms were on fire.

"I can't believe I wasted all of that time on you, all of those sleepless nights. And it was all just because you can't keep your own shit together. Honestly, the only relief bigger than getting rid of you is going to be cutting into you." He eyed a tray of knives that appeared.

"Dean. You have to stop. This isn't who you are." You tried to hide your fear and angle your body away from him.

"It might not be who I was—God I was pathetic—but it's sure as hell who I am now." Dean smiled and reached towards the tray.

"…Y/N. Y/N!" Sam was shaking your shoulders. You scrambled backwards and assessed your surroundings. Two queen beds, shitty wallpaper, non-descript artwork. Motel, you were in the motel. You closed your eyes and tried to control your breathing.

"You were having a bad dream." Sam's eyes were full of concern. "It sounded pretty bad. You were screaming…"

Shit, you're telling me. "Don't worry about it, Sam. I've just been low on sleep." Another nightmare to add to the repertoire. You noted the faint glow outside of the window. The sun must've just risen. "I can sleep in the car. How about we get an early move on?"

Sam gave you a skeptical look before eventually nodding. "If you get the stuff packed, I'll pull the car around and check us out."

You blew out a deep breath. The sooner you got to the bunker, the better. The other shoe had started to drop and you really didn't want Sam around when it hit the ground.

You slid in the front seat next to Sam. Your head rested against the cool window and you drifted back into a dreamless sleep for a couple hours.

Sam placed a hand on your shoulder to gently wake you. There were a couple of lattes in the cup holders and a bag of food sat between you. "I picked up some breakfast. Take your pick of the sandwiches. I wasn't sure what you would be in the mood for… You still like mochas?" Sam was really trying to make up for the initial tension between the two of you.

"Yeah. Thanks, Sam." You smiled and took a sip of your drink. It was the first mocha you'd had in months. "Mmm… Oh God, this is perfect."

Sam pulled the car into gear. "Would you like me to leave you alone with the beverage?" His mouth turned upwards into a smile.

"Don't be a bitch, Sammy. You're just jealous of what we have together. Chocolate and me—that's an unbreakable bond." You rifled through the bag of breakfast sandwiches and found one that didn't scream 'heart attack.'

The rest of the day passed rather calmly. You and Sam made good time back to the bunker. You'd almost forgotten how much you missed Sam's carefree banter. Your heart sank a little when you realized that Sam would really just be dropping you off instead of staying at least one night.

"You're sure you've got everything you need?" Sam asked you from the top of the stairs. It was his way of asking if you were ok before he left.

"Yeah, I'll be fine." You forced yourself to smile.

"Alright then. Call me if you find anything and I'll be checking in." Sam gave you one last look before leaving the bunker.

The sound of the door closing echoed through the empty bunker like one last, hollow heartbeat. Everything that had been weighing on you finally hit in full force as you let down your defenses for the first time in months.

Sam had tried to be kind by carrying in your things. But he'd put all of your bags in Dean's room. That room was full of constant reminders of what you had, what you failed to do… You couldn't not see Dean's body laid out on the bed. All of the good and all of the bad flowed through your brain at once. Out… I have to get out of here…

You scooped up your bags and hurried into your room. It was nearly empty since you'd started sleeping with Dean. You managed to hold it together long enough to unpack a few things and your room began to feel less like a cell and more like a living space.

You dreaded the idea of sleep, but exhaustion was taking over again. Research would have to wait until tomorrow. You knew the nightmares and darkness would haunt your dreams. You resigned yourself to the fact that fear, anxiety, and panic would own you tonight.

AN: Thanks for reading. Reviews are love and will only make the story better. I am willing to consider suggestions. Until the next chapter lovelies...