Chapter 11-Memories Unspoken

Finca was in complete shock as Ryta repeated the name of her dead mate. In the slight raspy voice of the young dragoness Tamli's name sounded so unnatural, as if his name was never used in the more modern era of their kind.

In truth his name had been used only once during the history of the dragon race. That, of course, had been when she had turned him so that they could be forever mates. Tamli. She muttered the word slowly in her mind, wincing only faintly as the thought of him stirred to the surface her emotional pain from his death.

He was a great rider . . .

No, after that. When he was a dragon. When he was your mate. Ryta fixed a single eye on her as they stopped and Finca turned slightly to better view the younger female.

We bore three hatchlings from our first clutch, two of which died before they turned one year old. Rados, our son from the first batch of eggs, is still alive and, last I heard, was with his mate in seclusion.

That's a start, go on. Ryta seemed to be testing her, forcing Finca to reopen painful wounds that she had hoped would seal up and be forgotten.

But how could those memories of her time with Tamli just vanish? There was no way, apart from having her memory wiped and then never regained. That wasn't something she wanted to go through however. She stiffened for a moment before continuing, her eyes waxy as she made herself revisit the time of his death and the months leading up to it.

When she finished her explanation, Ryta was silent. That shouldn't have surprised her yet it had. For the dragon that the young brown female was before her she was surprisingly at a loss for words when Finca had believed she would have had some comment on it. At least that had been her thought before Ryta had fallen silent during her long and painful trip back through closed doors in her mind.

Say something, Finca barely whispered, hoping that she hadn't scared the younger dragon into a state of shock so deep that it was impossible to recover from. Say anything, just let me know you're . . .

She couldn't bare to finish her sentence. Finca had wanted to say 'let me know you're not comatose after what I told you' but the words had caught in her throat. Held back by her own sickening feelings of loss, the dragoness felt her eyes fill with tears as she tore open every memory of Tamli she had in her mind. If the grief drove her mad then so be it, but at least she would die thinking of him.

Finally Ryta blinked, the first glimpse of life Finca saw in her after what had been said. The young female seemed overcome by emotion as she lowered her head and rested it against her chest, her body trembling as audible sobs racked Finca and nearly broke her heart.

What had she been thinking? Tell Ryta of her own loss to somehow lessen the pain that now threatened to overtake the strong hatchling? Why hadn't she realized it when she had first started to explain? Finca sighed in defeat and sat down, fearing she would become emotional as well as she continued to dive deeper into her memories of her deceased mate.

You know, I never thought that a dragon could live through having its own mother or father ripped from it at a young age but after having heard what you said, I can't begin to imagine your own pain. Not only do you grieve the loss of Tamli but also the loss of Silver and Szara. Your worry for the egg you bestowed upon Rados and Roylzen. Truly a dragoness feels no greater pain then what you have suffered in the past five years.

Could I interest you in discussing this further in the private of my chamber? Finca growled in question, hoping to gain deeper insight into what Ryta thought.

Ryta growled and gave a shallow nod, indicating her willingness to follow Finca. It was a start, Finca silently thought as she turned and began to make her way toward her personal chamber. It pained her that she would probably never return to the small cavern where she had bore hatchlings with Tamli and then months later watched him waste away before her eyes. At least the place had not become witness to his death, of that she was glad.

Only a few moments passed before the two dragons arrived at the small, burrowed out cave that was now Finca's home. Her own cave lay miles away, no doubt now home to another dragon. Ryta hesitated as Finca entered, not wanting to delay any longer.

The cave was simple. Only a broken sword lay in its center as the walls shimmered with tiny gemstones. It seemed as if the interior could hold as many as five adult dragons the size of Finca, but that was simply a guess. A small, thin layer of straw lay mostly in the corner of the farthest wall from them, no question whose sleeping quarters it was.

I'm impressed, Ryta growled as her eyes scanned the room, Finca walking over to where the sword lay.

Her eyes glanced over the still gleaming metal as Finca silently growled. She had broken this sword, the sword of her rider and her mate, months before but yet it still shone. How was that possible?

Finca? You okay? You seem . . .

I'm fine, she hissed, baring her teeth as Ryta was only inches from her folded left wing. I'm fine.

Ryta wasn't as convinced as Finca thought she was. With one last look around the room, the brown dragoness settled her eyes completely on the distraught female she barely knew.

You are not okay, Finca. You're . . . You seem to be in pain and I want to know why.

I'm not! Finca roared, the sound making Ryta shrink back. Everything is fine.

She was trembling now, her teeth clenched sharply to avoid having another outburst like before. Finca knew Ryta was right but nothing felt wrong. Nothing seemed out of place so it made no sense.

Ryta finally drew the courage to advance and stopped only when her snout was barely inches from Finca's own. Tell me the truth. You're lying to yourself. I know it.

Finca glanced away, shadowing her eyes in the darkness of her cave. Very little light entered her gloomy home, not that it mattered anyway as she was mostly not in her chamber during the day. The only time that had been untrue was when she had been cleared from receiving medical attention following her attack by Jormundur and had been led to her new home.

Perhaps I am lying to myself, Finca finally spat, her teeth still tightly clenched together into a snarl, but that doesn't give you the right to assume such and then act on it.

Maybe it does. Ryta snorted, her nostrils flaring as Finca stared her down with utter disgust.

Why was she as angry as she was? Ryta had witnessed her mother surrender control to the darkness inside, that was enough reason for a calm approach. Finca shook her head. She wasn't thinking straight. She was blaming Ryta for having sent her through the painful memories of her former life with Tamli. That life was over now and there was no going back.

As the superior dragon here I . . . Her voice caught and strangled for a moment as Finca unclenched her teeth and lowered her gums back over them. I am sorry for treating you as I have. The pain you're going through right now is unbearable, believe me, but you will rise from it and become stronger than before.

Was this how it had felt to Tamli after she had rebuffed him following the hatching of their first clutch? Finca wondered. Had she really been that heartless to him, after all they had gone through? Why had he continued to trust her, to believe her after how she had treated him?

I believe those words are sincere but I want to know why you lashed out at me, Ryta sighed as Finca lowered her head in shame.

It took her several minutes for Finca to regain her composer. Even longer to find the strength to speak. Could she even go through with this? Would it make any difference or was Ryta lying to her about her words being sincere? There was only one way to find out but Finca wasn't sure if she was ready to say anything yet.

Look I know if your just trying to . . . Ryta began, trying to make up for what she had said to the older dragoness.

I'm not hiding anything, not anymore. The old life I had is gone now. I have to accept that. Tamli is dead and he will not return.

Finca found her voice cracked on the last word and she fell silent for several more moments. Ryta looked at her earnestly as if expecting more from her but when that did not happen the hatchling turned her gaze away.

Tamli, Finca thought in the peaceful silence. If you can hear me let me know. I just need a sign, a . . . proof that you're really dead. Makiar told me but it doesn't feel right, can't be true.

The silence around them was deafening. Neither dragoness spoke until Finca, from the corner of her right eye, saw a flurry of light. She recognized the bioluminescent display to be that of a favorite of Tamli's during the cold nights when the fog was thick and the moon hidden in wraps of dense grey bindings.

Did you see that? She asked Ryta as the brown female glanced back her way.

See what?

A flurry of light from outside the room.

No.

Finca was slightly discouraged. But how couldn't you . . .

Listen, Ryta began, her voice dropping into the same no-nonsense tone that Narssia used often, I know you said you saw something but think about where we are. Everything needs light to see down here so maybe it was just a passing dragon.

He or she would have spoke, Finca snapped back, feeling her anger peak again and struggled to calm herself back down.

Unless the light blinded the dragon and it couldn't see.

You have a point. Any other theories?

Theories? Ryta snorted, appalled. You think these are theories I'm coming up with?

What else could they be? Besides, almost no other dragons come down here.

It could have been an outsider then.

What?

A rouge, a newcomer, I don't know.

Join my confusion then, Finca sighed before she suddenly stiffened in terror.

Again from the corner of her eye a flash of light burst into view. It danced for several moments then faded, but not before giving Finca a glimpse of the dragon causing it. Two purple eyes stared back at her, white scales illuminated by the brilliant flickering around its body. There was no other dragon that had such depth to its eyes and it had gazed at her with complete calmness.

Tell me you saw that, Finca insisted as Ryta finally focused those yellow eyes of hers onto Finca's face.

I told you I saw nothing and I will say it again, I saw nothing behind you that would indicate another living being. You're disorientated, confused by the day's events.

I am not. I saw something, another dragon. Finca knew her voice betrayed her and indicated she was pleading despite her best efforts.

Look, Ryta sighed. I'm not saying you're wrong but I honestly saw nothing behind you.

Finca quivered in anger. She had to make Ryta understand but how? The dragoness told her that there was nothing behind her yet Finca had seen something, of that she was sure. If it was what she thought it might be from having seen what she saw upon the last light display then she more in fear then anything. Her mate was dead yet she had seen him as clearly as day in the light.

As if on cue, the light began again. Tamli, if it was indeed him, once more showed himself to her although now moved toward her. If Ryta couldn't see this then she was blind.

Peace come to you daughter of Mirage, the ghostlike version of Tamli spoke to her solely.

Are you . . . ?

Your deceased mate? No, merely a tool that he chose to use. He wants to speak with you.

With me? How? Finca growled.

It is a difficult process for the living, however, he believes it can be done because of his state.

You mean the fact that he's dead.

Precisely.

With that the figure turned to walk away, light still illuminating the entire area from her cave to the outside hall. Finca hesitated for a moment before she called out for future instruction on how to reach out to Tamli.

He will seek you when he is able, the spirit responded, not stopping as it continued its slow walk back into the shadows that grew even as its light was as bright as ever.

Wait, Finca growled. What do you mean by when he is able? Was he somehow hurt?

No dragon can be hurt once the body is broken from its spirit. Should you have any further questions it would be wise to wait for him.

So I can ask him and let you just go without having been told how he is! Finca snarled, realizing her anger was creeping back up but she didn't care. She'd get information one way or another out of this presence that seemed to know her mate.

My task, began the spirit, is not to jeopardize the mission at hand. Your reason for wishing to know more is valid yet I have nothing more I can say without breaking my vow of silence to him.

You don't even speak his name. What is wrong with you?

That question should be applied to you first, the ghost replied, its tone never rising, yet still projecting its anger. You refuse to speak the name of your mate even after six years following his death.

That is different, Finca growled, finding it hard to control her rage over the lack of answers she was receiving.

Should it be? Your refusing to say his name is the same as my reason to refer to him by anything other than by how you once spoke of him.

You're making no sense! Finca roared, baring her teeth as her anger took hold and she snapped out at the translucent figure that looked so much like Tamli.

The spirit did not respond and instead dissipated into particles of shining silver specks. Finca stared for a long while at the spot where it had stopped to say its final words but did not move until Ryta finally called out to her.

You've lost your mind, she growled. What was that about you roaring when nothing is in front of you? I don't understand any of what you said and I don't want to know.

I . . . Oh never mind. We should go and find Verdra, get her input on your situation.

We can't, Ryta admitted. Makiar told me, while you were snapping at open air, that she left.

Left? How is that possible? Why would she . . . ?

I don't know but we would be wise to go and seek the powerful dragoness who informed me of this. Perhaps she has an idea of where Verdra went? Ryta suggested as Finca weighed her options. Who knew where her daughter had went? If anything, Makiar should be the one she turned to.

All right, she finally growled, her eyes locking with Ryta's. We'll go find Makiar and ask her on this. I can't believe it though.

Verdra just left, or at least that's what Makiar told me. You have any reason to doubt? Ryta asked as they left the room, Finca casting one last glance at the broken sword of Tamli's that held so many memories for her.

My closest friend? No. My own daughter not telling anyone about this? Yes, considering what she's been through with having been self-taught how to survive on her own.

You don't even trust your own daughter, how poetic, Ryta snorted as she led Finca back the way they came.

The same could be said for you.

Oh, really? Ryta snorted once more, amused.

You let yourself get into bigger things than you could have imagined when you confronted Arxa on her own turf. You could have been killed!

I was aware of the risks but I had to see Narssia one last time. It will take some getting used to, but I will soon forget any love I had for her as Arxa is now the only thing in that body.

I didn't know you were so disgusted with Arxa as to call her a 'thing', Finca growled, trying to get her mind off Tamli and on the fact that her daughter was now missing.

Ryta did not respond, instead picking up her pace. She wouldn't say she was mad at Finca but she was disappointed in herself. She spoke too kindly of Arxa even by what she had just said. That parasite was nothing more than an invader into the lives of her mother and her siblings, not to mention herself. The quicker Makiar was found and Verdra recovered then the better.