Chapter 9: The Most Exquisite Self Destruction

Stella scanned the cafeteria, looking for her friend Juliet.

Stella saw Rose, talking to her best friend Henry, looking as gorgeous as ever. Stella's gaze fixed on Rose, studying her silky brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. Rose looked gorgeous, just as always. Stella stared for a few seconds, then glanced away quickly, not wanting anyone to see her watching the other girl.

Wait, I was confused. Were these my thoughts filtering in, my feelings for Rose?

Suddenly Rose and Henry started arguing. Stella glanced over.

I did not want to see this again. I tried to turn away, to shut it out of my mine, but I had no control over Stella.

Henry became upset and left. Rose chased after him. Stella almost got up and ran after them too, but she restrained herself. She tried to pretend that she hadn't been watching them, that she hadn't noticed anything was amiss, that she didn't feel any affection for Rose apart from one of her best friends being one of Rose's roommates. And what did she feel, really? Stella had a hunch, but she couldn't be sure.

I knew. As my mind settled, I could see feel Stella's emotions and see into her memories. No feelings were coming from me, this was all on her. And for some reason, she hated me.

Stella had first encountered Rose at the same time she first encountered Henry. She had been in a different state of mind at the time, excited to be at college and do fun things with her sorority sisters and meet cute boys and wear pretty dresses and all that. Rose and Henry were playing a game in Ally's (and Rose's) room. Stella didn't pay either of them much attention at the time. The duo was also in her English class, and she learned the boy was quite quick-witted when it came to literary stuff, and it that kind of thing never came quite as easily to Stella. Her mind was more math and engineering oriented. Everything had a correct answer and nothing was 'up to interpretation' or anything like that.

As the semester progressed, Stella began to develop feelings for Rose that she didn't fully understand. She desperately wanted Rose to like her. She longed to make her laugh, to make her smile, to make her happy.

Stella liked Rose the same way I did. This infuriated me. But she didn't! She couldn't! Sure, she could see her outer beauty, but she hardly knew her. Stella didn't know anything about Rose's favorite comic book character or the video games she would play with her brother or even her favorite food. All the things that made Rose Rose, all the things I loved about her, Stella had no clue. She had no right to even think that she liked Rose in the way that I did.

No matter how hard Stella tried, Rose never seemed impressed by her. In the few interactions they had, Rose seemed uninterested in continuing the conversation and her face always bore the expression of "okay, why are you telling me this? It's not like we're friends or anything."

It gave me great satisfaction to know that Stella's crush (if you could even call it a crush) was also unrequited. Although a small part of me (it pains me to admit it) sympathized with her 'heartbreak.'

Stella had often believed that it was Rose's reluctance to be her friend that made Stella so desperate to win her affection, but maybe there was more to it than that.

Stella hated Henry most of all because he possessed the ability to make Rose laugh. Rose adored Henry in a way that she would never adore Stella.

Stella's emotions were so overpowering, I was losing sense of myself as Henry Mills, the observer. But I wanted to cry out to Stella, to tell her that Rose was far more likely to love her than me. There was no reason to be jealous of me, because I didn't have Rose either.

From the table where Stella and Ally sat in the cafeteria, Stella could see Henry and Rose yelling at one another outside the window.

She felt a strange need to protect Rose, to rescue her from anyone who dared to do her harm. This boy was supposed to be her friend, to treat her nicely, to make her happy, and here he was, yelling at her?

Stella hated Henry.

Stella knew the duo were merely best friends, as Rose had admitted to Ally and Grace that she was a lesbian, and Ally had told Julia and Stella right away. Part of Stella reveled in this information, because it meant both that Stella had an advantage over Henry for once, and also that Henry would never be able to date the girl he was clearly in love with.

Okay, what? Apparently, everyone knew except me. I was really starting to hate this Stella girl too.

But the mere fact that Rose liked girls didn't mean that Rose would like Stella. Is that even what Stella wanted? Did she want to date her? Maybe. All she knew was that she was becoming obsessed with winning her affection.

She could remember having liked boys since middle school, but she had always preferred the more cute, feminine type. Once the boys her age started growing facial hair and getting deeper voices, they started to become less attractive. Some of the other girls liked this 'manly' look, but Stella still liked the cute boy type, with pretty faces and soft skin, not super tall or muscular. Ally had a cute boyfriend like that (who may or may not be gay himself). But Stella also remembered thinking girls had far prettier faces than boys in elementary school. Was that a universal fact, as she had thought, or a sign of some emotions buried deep down? She couldn't be sure. If she had had crushes on girls in the past, she had not been consciously aware of it. She could remember classmates and actresses that had each occupied the 'most beautiful girl in the world' slot in her mind from time to time, but she had always felt that liking boys made her normal, that she wasn't part of the 'queer kids.' But now she wasn't so sure. She didn't really see herself as the type to get a short haircut and stop wearing dresses, acting all masculine, dating girls, coming out to her family. That wasn't the future she pictured for herself or the future she particularly wanted. She wasn't gay. She was straight, with maybe a few exceptions. And Rose didn't even like her, romantically or even as a friend, so what was the point in making a big deal out of nothing?

Okay, so maybe she also had an unrequited crush on Rose. But her feelings were much more superficial than mine.

Stella tried to focus on Ally as they sat at the table waiting for Juliet. She tried engaging in polite conversation about the food, but both of them seemed a bit distracted.

"Should we just go?" Stella asked, anxious to get outside.

By the time the two girls got outside, Henry had stormed off in the direction of his dorm building and Rose had walked in the opposite direction, evidently having forgotten that she and Henry lived in the same dorm building. Stella wanted to chase after her, to comfort her, but Ally hadn't noticed the commotion and Stella didn't want to alert her to the fact that she had been paying close attention to Rose because of some of her non-heterosexual inclinations. Ally and Rose weren't really all that close, as far as roommates go. But who could Rose turn to? Stella wondered. Her best friend had just stormed off.

Well that realization felt like a punch to the gut.

"Hang on, I think I left my jacket." Stella said as she rushed off in the direction of Rose.

Rose was crying.

Because of me.

Stella stopped a few feet from Rose, far enough away that the other girl had not yet noticed her. Stella paused, unsure how to approach her or what to say. It broke her heart to see her like this. It magnified her hatred for Henry.

Maybe it was just Stella's emotions, but I was starting to hate myself too.

Would Rose even want the company of a girl she barely knew? Stella wondered, regretting her decision to chase after Rose. What had she been thinking?

Stella stood awkwardly nearby, wanting to help, but not sure how to. Did Rose need comforting? How would she even comfort Rose? Would a hug be comforting or an invasion of personal space?

Rose stopped crying and looked up. Stella offered a slight smile.

"You okay?" She asked.

"I'm fine," Rose replied. Stella knew this was a lie, but she didn't know what else to do. She returned to Ally.