TITLE: Chapter 17 Archie
AUTHOR: new_raven
PAIRING:
RATING: R-ish
WARNINGS: Drug use
SUMMARY: House enlists the help of high school to save a patient.
DISCLAIMER: House and his pretty friends don't belong to me.
Whoever said "You don't really know a person until you've lived with them." clearly never spent three hours alone in car with anyone they ever lived with. Maybe the ride would have been easier if she wasn't feeling the guilt of letting him take her on a mini-break when he didn't even know she was leaving him. Maybe if he wasn't using everything she did and didn't do to build a case against her they could have played Eye Spy and mooned truckers.
He'd given her control of the IPod. He figured as long as it was his they would be safe from angry girl music and pop princesses. What he hadn't figured was that a girl born in 1990 would know every word to every Aerosmith song ever recorded. When they stopped for gas and breakfast he deleted every Aerosmith album from the player while she was in the bathroom. He was pretty sure he had them on his computer, but wasn't overly concerned. He couldn't imagine ever needing to heat Jaded again.
She hadn't been looking for another Steven Tyler ballad, but she did notice that was not even one left.
"Really?" She scowled at him.
House kept his eyes on the road.
"You can't just say 'Hey play something else.'?"
"I could've said 'What did my ears do to you?'."
"I turned it up so you couldn't hear me."
"I could hear you."
"I have seen you do a twelve minute air guitar solo. You're not above singing along with the radio."
"You can't hear air guitar."
"You can see it, and believe me I could have made it my whole life without seeing you have a seizure while taking a crap to the tune of Purple Haze."
They rode in silence the rest of the way. The billboards for the ATV Park weren't even enough to lighten the mood. House pulled the car into the tree line drive and followed the signs until they reached a large clearing. Chris gasped and he turned to see her jaw drop and her face light up.
The blue gray Victorian mansion was the closest thing to a fairy tale castle that Chris could ever have imagined. The intricate white trim, shutters, and railings framed the building like white lace. She looked at him and smiled. He smiled back and pulled around to the guest parking.
Pink flowers and antique lamp stands outlined the wide walkway that led to the front doors. House opened the door for her and she only smirked a little bit. There was no one at the desk. House rang the bell. Chris circled the room looking at every picture, flower, and piece of gleaming wooden furniture. She stopped in front of the fireplace and watched the flames.
"Never seen a fireplace before?" House joked and handed her a key.
"No actually." She shook her head.
"There's one in the room."
They took the elevator all the way up to the renovated attic. When it opened they stepped out into a small hallway with only one other door. They walked into a sitting room that was dripping with the same florals and antiques as the rest of the building. The room opened on the other side to a patio with a small breakfast table and a golden chase lounge.
There were two large sofas in the middle of the room that faced each other. To the right of them was the fireplace with a large white fur rug in front of it. A huge flat screen TV hung to the left flanked by doors on either side. One door led to the bedroom, the other to a dressing room and then the bathroom that also opened into the bedroom.
Chris took her time inspecting the room before following House to the bedroom. He was standing still staring at a bed that was bigger than some apartments. Chris followed his gaze to the carved posts and arched canopy and cream lace panels that flowed under them.
"Dear God!" She stepped back when she saw it, bigger than a bobcat and dangling from a tarnished chain directly above the bed. It was a highly detailed anatomically correct wooden cherub smiling down at the bed as if he remembered what the last guests had done there.
They laughed so hard that tears streamed down their faces and they collapsed at the foot of the bed holding their sides. They caught their breath and then looked up and started all over again. Eventually Chris stood on the bed to get a closer look. She reached up on her tip toes to touch the cubby wooden foot.
Just before she made contact House growled and grabbed her foot. She started, squealed, and lost her balance. In another bed this might have been dangerous, but she was still about half a mile from the headboard when she landed on the mattress with a gentle bounce. They laughed again.
House moved up and lay next to her on the bed. She rolled into his arms and they kissed lazily for a few minutes. She giggled when he grabbed her ass.
"He's watching." She looked up at the cherub.
"Let's give him something to see then." House slipped his hand under her shirt.
She laughed. "Seriously, I don't think I can do it looking up at that."
House flopped over and pulled her with him. "There. You get on top. That way you can't see him staring at you."
"Bleh." She shuddered and grimaced. "That's even creepier."
"I paid too much for this bed not to have sex in it."
"I have strict no giant voyeuristic baby policy. We can do it in the hot tub."
"Archie's not a baby."
"Archie?" She asked.
"Archie Angel."
Chris rolled her eyes.
"He's clearly just a fat midget who wears more sunscreen than you."
"Oh well that case it's totally hot. Does he have any requests?" She laughed.
House paused like he was listening and his eyes got very big. "He wants to know if you've brought a curling iron and a remote control car."
"I left them at the last hotel I stayed in." She shook her head.
"He's very disappointed."
"That's understandable."
"He thinks he might be able to forgive you if you don't wear any clothes for the rest of the trip."
"That might make four wheeling awkward."
"He says you can wear clothes outside of the room and that now you're just being silly."
"Well if it will please Archie." She grinned and pulled her shirt off.
"Oh it absolutely will." House unbuttoned her pants. "He's already sporting a little wood."
It took them quite a while to make it out of the room again. When they finally made it to the park they only had a few hours of daylight left. They decided to take ATV's and get a Jeep the next day. They raced each other over the terrain wagering money, chores, and sexual favors. By the time the sun set they had completely lost track of who owed what.
They were informed that they would have to change clothes to eat in the dining room, even though it was completely deserted, but they were welcome to eat in the bar where a group of about a dozen men were shouting at a NASCAR race. Chris sat at the bar and looked at the menu while House argued with the manager.
A man came to the bar and ordered a beer. He sat next to Chris even though the rest of the stools were empty. When she looked over at him he seemed surprised to see her there.
"You come her a lot?" He asked.
"First time." She replied as she read his baseball cap, 'Instant asshole just add beer'.
"I'm having a party in my room later. You should come by."
"I'm here with someone." She looked over her shoulder at House who was still in the lobby with the manager.
"You could come by when he falls asleep." He grinned and leaned towards her. "How long does your dad stay up anyways?"
"He's not my father, and he'll be up all night." She stood to leave. The drunk grabbed her wrist and she turned back to face him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
She tried to pull away, but his grip was firm. He pressed a key into the palm of her hand and let her wrist go. "In case you change your mind."
She smiled and looked over her shoulder to see if House was watching then lowered her voice to a whisper. "You should tell all your friends you gave me this."
"Oh yeah why?" He looked very pleased with himself.
She smiled ever so sweetly. "If I can manage to sneak away later and stop by your room…" She leaned back and raised her voice. "You'll have witnesses to tell the cops who sliced off your balls and shoved them down your throat."
House walked in as she said the last part and looked from her to the drunk without a word.
"Or I'll just throw it in the lake and you can pay to have the locks changed." She held the key up and then slipped it in her pocket. She picked up the menu, turned, and walked away.
"We're eating in the dining room." House said grabbing her ass and leaving his hand there until they were out of view from the bar.
Most of the dinner menu came family style and served at least two. It made it very difficult not to over order. They shared steak, salmon, crab cakes, stuffed mushrooms, and a vat of mashed sweet potatoes that they could have bathed in if they'd had the forethought. By the time the waiter brought out a wheel of cheesecake the size of a human head they decided to have it wrapped up and sent to their room.
Before they left Chris gave the asshole's spare key to the waiter and said that she found it in the parking lot. House popped opened a bottle of champagne when they got to the room, and they both promptly ignored it after a few sips. Next they climbed into the hot tub. They were too full and hot for anything especially dirty but it didn't matter.
House leaned back on one half of the heart and let the water cover his legs. Chris leaned diagonal across his chest and let her feet dangle over the edge by the faucet. After the heater went of the first time they rearranged and he sat between her legs while she stretched the length of the tub and ran it one more time. They dried off and decided it was time for bed.
They made a few lewd gestures at Archie and climbed under the crisp white sheets. She put her head on his chest and they held each other that way for a long time without sleeping.
"I wish we could stay here forever." She whispered so softly that if he had been asleep it wouldn't have woken him.
He didn't say any of the accusations that came to mind. Instead he stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.
"I'm leaving on Tuesday, joining the Peace Corps." Her voice wasn't any louder.
"I know."
"How?" She twisted her head up at him even though she couldn't make out his expression in the dark.
"I didn't know it would be Tuesday. I knew it was in the next three weeks."
She nodded."They got a letter from Cuddy. It's odd because I didn't use her as a reference."
House didn't respond.
"Thank you." The words came out as a sob and her body convulsed against his. They both waited for the tears to come, but she didn't let them. He could feel her tense and hold her breath as she willed them away.
"I threw away the first package they sent." He confessed when he knew she'd recovered her composure. His voice held no remorse.
She sighed. "I wish you hadn't told me. I kind of figured, but I was presuming your innocence."
"I thought it' would make it easier for you." He lied.
"It doesn't."
Chris was sitting under a tree and House lay next to her with his head in her lap. A few yards away the Jeep looked almost exactly like the vertical cartoon Jeep on the cover of the brochure, except for bent sapling sticking through the back end and folded under the wind shield, and the lack of a back bumper.
"If you really want to stay here forever just slip under that back wheel and say your back hurts. You'll own this place."
"And if it slips and actually crushes me?'
"I'm a doctor. You'll be fine."
"You just don't want to lose your deposit."
Everything had been going fine until the asshole from the night before had driven by and thrown a beer can at them. They'd spent a long time catching up to them and hurling insults. This led to an unofficial race, which led to the assholes officially eating their dust, and then driving them off the non-road.
The crash itself had been startling, but once they'd checked that all their appendages were as they remembered they couldn't stop laughing. House had a large cut across his face from the sapling and Chris had sprained her wrist trying to catch herself when they fell.
They called the hotel and waited for help to arrive. The owner of the park and hotel followed the tow truck driver in another jeep.
"What the hell happened?" The owner asked.
"Another Jeep ran us off the cliff." House explained.
"Backwards?"
"They were drunk. They'd been trying to play bumper cars with us all afternoon." This got the owners attention. The park prohibited alcohol of course, but they didn't make a habit of checking bags or coolers especially on a Thursday. House measured the man's expression and banked on it. "How did they get a twelve pack in here anyways? Are they regulars?"
"They were obviously drunk when they came in last night too." Chris added.
"We'll look into it. If they were drinking they will be asked to leave."
"Asked to leave? We could have been killed." House tested the water.
"We'd like to press charges." Chris jumped in. It was a bit hasty considering that an actual police investigation would have uncovered House's Vicodin use and her threats from the night before, but it paid off.
"Of course they wouldn't be invited back and would be responsible for the damages to both vehicles." The owner pandered. "As long as no one was injured I don't see any reason to go through the hassle of calling the police. You're looking at hours of questions and paperwork."
"I should probably have this checked out." Chris held out her bruised swollen wrist. She twisted her arm and half curled her fingers to make it look especially ugly. House almost laughed.
"I told you it's not broken." House said to her. Chris harrumphed and held her wrist limp at her side as House turned to the owner. "I'm a doctor. She just needs a soak in a tub and a stiff drink."
"Of course. Our honeymoon suites have hot tubs. We can upgrade you."
"We're already in a suite." House smiled his best 'What else you got?' smile.
"And complimentary room service and equipment rentals for the rest of your stay."
House was in his zone. The whole ride back to the inn Chris watched him collect promises. He would have passes and vouchers good for another full weekend at the park and the inn as well as his full deposit back and the assurance of a huge discount at the antique mall up the road.
Back at the inn the owner assured them that a security team, which they knew was just a few spare employees in one of the rental jeeps, was looking for the group that had caused the problem and that it would be taken care of. House thanked him and clapped him on the back. Just to ice the cake he asked if they bar kept any fine spirits that weren't on the menu. After a few moments the owner went to the bar and returned with a fourth of a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red Label.
"That was crazy hot." Chris told him when they were alone in the room.
"The lying, manipulating, or the stealing?" House asked as he poured whiskey into a plastic cup from the mini bar.
"All of it?" Chris cocked her head to the side and thought about it. "That's not healthy is it?"
House offered to pour her a glass and she frowned. "What's it taste like?"
"Scotch." He handed her his glass and sat next to her on the couch.
She smelled it and her frown turned to a wince. She took a tiny sip and made herself swallow it. She shook her head and stuck out her tongue with a heavy breath. "Nope I'm good."
House chuckled and took the glass back.
"That guy basically paid you for crashing his Jeep and those douche bags will have to make up the difference." She leaned across his chest.
"It's a gift." House agreed and used his free hand to pull her face to his.
She pulled back and twisted her face. "You taste like scotch."
"You're welcome to taste elsewhere."
The drive home went much smoother. They played word association for a while.
Chris started.
"Word."
"Count."
"Sheep."
"Echinococcosis."
"What the hell is that?" Chris asked.
"Parasite that's common in sheep."
"How am I supposed to associate a word I've never heard before?"
"I thought the only rule was no repeats." He shrugged.
"Maybe we should play something else."
"You could flash truckers." House suggested.
"That's not a game."
"We could bet on how many honk for you."
"I could drive and you could flash the truckers. Would you rather?" She asked.
"Rather what?"
"Be struck by lightning or attacked by a shark?"
"Are those my punishments for not playing word association to your standards?"
"It's a game. You name two scenarios and the other person has to choose one."
"Ok."
"Shark or lightening?"
"Will I die?"
"Ummm maybe. I guess it depends how far you are from a hospital and where they bite."
"Lightning is more likely to be fatal, but a shark could amputate a limb."
"You're thinking too much."
"Lightning."
Chris guessed that that meant he would still rather die than lose a limb. She didn't comment though. "Ok. Your question."
"Wait we should both answer each question. Would you choose shark or lightning?"
"Shark. It's a way cooler story."
"Penelope Cruz or Selma Hayek?"
"What's the difference?"
"Have you seen Vicky Christina Barcelona?"
"No."
"Ok. You can defer judgment until we remedy that."
She laughed. "So is it my question?"
"Sure."
"Britney or Christina?"
"Musically Christina. Sexually Britney."
"Really?"
"Why are you surprised?"
"She's just so boring. I mean she's pretty enough, and she's got the sex kitten thing going but it's so fake."
"Men don't care if it's fake. All men want to sleep with Britney Spears."
"I'm sure most men on the planet have never even heard of Britney Spears."
"Men who know who she is want to sleep with her. She embodies the 'lady in the streets whore between the sheets' principle."
"When is she a lady?"
"It's just her face. She'll look sweet, innocent, and barely legal until she's forty. She looks young enough that you know you're doing something wrong but aren't worried about going to jail."
She considered this. "Was that my appeal?"
"Yes. I knew it was my last shot to sleep with an actual school girl."
"Nice." Chris laughed.
"Too bad it wasn't a catholic school."
"I got the outfit."
"But it's just not the same as an actual uniform."
"The skirt is shorter and the top is see-through. It's hotter than any real uniform."