Lovey-Dovey Prattles of an Underground Doctor
...and then and then, right at this moment my darling stepped up to the task like the gallant and noble lady she is—
...Huh? You want me to stop talking about Celty right at this instant?
But I can't, Shizuo-kun, there's just so much to talk about her that there's no way I can ever stop! That's right...! Just like my love for her... A love that's endless and bottomless and goes on for all eternity...!
...Yes, yes, exactly! My Celty is beautiful, charming, lovely, endearing, adorable, courageous, kind, strong, sweet, caring, thoughtful, powerful— Hey, wait wait, why are you listing all that out so monotonously? This is Celty we're talking about, you know. Celty! That's not how you should be describing her.
...Huh? You were just mimicking me in a sarcastic way? Why?
...That's mean, Shizuo-kun, to say so bluntly that you've had enough of listening to me talk about Celty. Isn't she your friend? Is that something a friend would say to a friend who's talking about his friend who happens to be that friend's lover?
...Oh, it's got nothing to do with Celty herself – well of course there can't be anything about Celty! – but it's just to prove to me how annoying I'm being?
In that case, it's fine! If it's to let other people know just how wonderful Celty is I don't mind playing the role of an annoying friend, even if it's your nerves I'm getting on!
OW!
Owwwwwww Shizuo-kun... Okay, okay, I get it, I'm sorry. Please don't flick me on the forehead anymore. I appreciate you holding back on me but it still hurts when you do it...
Alright then, you win. I'll try not to talk about my honeypie anymore.
Hm, but for you to still be here and to go that far in just asking me to stop talking about Celty... Does that mean there's something that you do want to discuss with me in particular?
It's something to do with Orihara-kun, I take it?
If I have to venture a guess, you're curious about his Shadow, but you're not sure if it's okay for you to be asking that since you're not all that close to him – Is that right?
...Eh? What do you mean I'm being creepy? No, I'm not some kind of shady fortune-teller or mind reader. I'm surprised you think of me that way. Now I'm not sure if you're trying to compliment me or dismissing my observation skills by calling me that.
But whatever it is, it doesn't matter as long as Celty still loves me for whoever I am~
Oh, right. I promised not to talk about my darling, didn't I?
So let's get right to the topic, then. What about Orihara-kun's Shadow that you'd like to know more about?
...Huh? "Is it really okay to be talking about this when the flea's in a nearby room"?
Of course it's fine. If he wants to listen in and eavesdrop on how I'm going to spill all his secrets and embarrass him in front of you, it's fine as well. Besides, he owes me for what I've done for him for the past two weeks; I'm sure he can't object to my sharing of what happened with his Shadow, in that case.
So don't worry about it, Shizuo-kun. You can ask about anything, I'll try my best to answer.
...Okay... You're wondering about the split aspects of his psyche, right? Specifically, with regards to Psyche-kun, Hibiya-kun, Hachimenroppi-kun and Sakuraya-san? Is it because you're curious about whether that has any relation to what happened to your own Shadow?
Or is it because you want to know if what Hibiya-kun said to you is true?
Ahaha I was just kidding, don't give me that look, please.
Well, that's actually one of the many things we discussed earlier as a group. I mean, together with Souji-kun and his friends. We've looked into it a bit, but we haven't found a reasonably sound and valid explanation for it just yet. The current hypothesis is that Orihara-kun's denial of his Shadow, coupled with Anonymous-san's interference, majorly tipped the balance in his psyche and therefore caused it to fragment. I'm not an expert in this field, so, I can't give a professional opinion on whether it's psychologically valid. But if we understand it as a flow or cycle of mental energy whose balance has been disrupted, and this disruption being compounded by the interference of an external party, then it doesn't seem all that farfetched now, does it?
Take for an example... The homeostasis process in the human body.
I'm sure you remember the gist of it from Biology class.
Well, the details aren't necessary for the analogy I'm making, so it's okay if you've forgotten how it goes exactly.
But basically, it's the way the human body works to maintain balance in its functions. For instance, when one's body temperature rises, like during physical activity, the body works to reduce it through various mechanisms such as perspiration. In essence, the body brings about appropriate changes to counter the changes imposed on it and thus return things to normal. Pretty interesting, isn't it? In a sense, it's in human nature to resist changes by changing itself, won't you agree?
So, what happens if those changes are too extreme for the body to handle?
It's simple. The body becomes imbalanced.
Think of your homeostasis as a cycle: one thing leading to another that goes back to the starting point. If something interferes with one of the steps, the cycle either continues circulating or falls out of its natural order, unable to fully return to its starting point.
When things get too hot, the body can't cool itself down. When things are too cold, the body can't warm itself up sufficiently. It still attempts to bring things under control, but that's all it can do; it's not a miracle mechanism that can adapt to everything that comes its way.
And that's what happened to Izaya. The natural flow of the energy that keeps his psyche in balance was interfered with. It's the homeostasis of the psyche: when a disturbance is detected, the psyche attempts to bring it back in balance by countering it. That's why Personas and Shadows exist. They're the counterbalance to one another.
So in Orihara-kun's case, or more precisely in anybody's case, the denial of his Shadow threw that balance off. Add Anonymous-san into the picture, and you get an even more disturbed flow. In fact it's most likely because of Anonymous-san's involvement that Izaya's Shadow fragmented the way it did.
...Hmm? Ahh, that's right. That didn't happen for you, so you're probably wondering why your Shadow behaved in the same way.
To be honest it's hard to say. We're thinking it might have something to do with Saika, since it's probably of a similar nature to our Anonymous-san. Celty told me how you fought off a whole crowd of those Saika children a few years ago. You got cut a few times, didn't you? But didn't you wonder why nothing happened to you even though you got cut?
We're thinking it might be because you already awakened your Persona ability at that time, Shizuo-kun. That's why you weren't turned into a Saika child.
But. The repeated cuttings probably did something to your psyche without anybody realising it. That might be why your Shadow fragmented like how Orihara-kun's did. It's a weak theory at best, though.
...Huh? ...Ahh, right right. You didn't realise it, right? About your Persona ability.
Come to think of it, Anonymous-san mentioned that that was the reason it involved you in all of this, didn't he? It sounds like Anonymous-san knew from the very beginning that your Persona had already awakened to a certain degree. The question then, is when? And what brought it on? It could've been some time before that Ripper Night or it could've been right when you started to...
...Eh?! You know when it happened?!
...Huh? You think it was when you used your strength for the first time? When you got angry with Kasuka-kun over that pudding? Shizuo-kun, do you mean to say that that strength of yours is actually your Persona?
Well, no, it's not that it's impossible, but if that's really the case, then why would your Persona manifest itself in that manner instead of how it did for Souji-kun and the others? Also, if we assume it to be true, then that must also mean that the time-space distortion had already happened at that time, right? Otherwise it wouldn't have been possible for your Persona to manifest in the real world.
...Oh? That's not what you meant?
...Ahh, so the incident happened not long after you played a game...called "The Persona Game"…so there's a chance that game might have done something that allowed your Persona to manifest?
Hmm... I see. So you mean to say that it was that incident, when you used your strength for the first time, that ignited your Persona-Shadow mental energy cycle...and the game was just a coincidental memory that Anonymous-san reminded you of to make you think that it was the game's fault for giving you your strength. Because all along, you wanted to push the blame of your power to an external factor as that would be the only way to make sense of why you have that power in the first place.
Well then, that means that your Persona is quite intimately linked to your strength, doesn't it? In a sense, it's because of the fact that you have a body unlike that of a normal human that you have your Persona at all. Or at least, the kind of Persona you have now.
All that aside, though...
If your conjecture is correct, then that means any semblance of your Persona's awakening had taken place that many years ago, and it probably didn't take a distinct form until at least the Saika incident. Since that was when you finally started coming to terms with yourself, right?
Interesting, interesting.
But then now the question is... Why didn't Anonymous-san take action earlier? Could it be because it wanted to wait until your Persona grew and developed further...or is it because it couldn't even if it had wanted to, all this time? Frankly, I'm leaning towards the latter, given what I've seen of and heard from Anonymous-san, but it's hard to say for sure, you know? There's also Orihara-kun to consider...ah and Yagiri Seiji-kun too, of course. And also Harima Mika-chan... Our dear Anonymous-san's plan involves this many people, so it's not really my place to confirm or affirm anything.
Other than the fact that my love for Celty remains just as firm as it has always been, despite all that's happening.
...Okay okay, I won't get into that again, so don't look at me like that, please.
So anyway – we're supposed to be talking about Orihara-kun's Shadow, aren't we?
Well. We've gone in a roundabout way but I'm just going to say it straight and honestly with you, Shizuo-kun.
This is just my opinion, but I do think what Hibiya-kun said to you was true. In the sense that it did reflect Orihara-kun's impression of you, but not in its entirety.
At the end of the day, Hibiya-kun is still one of those fragments of Orihara-kun's psyche. The balance might be messed up, and Anonymous-san's interference might have complicated things, and your own Shadow was caught in the mess and contributed in some way to the snowy, forested area in the TV world—
—but Hibiya-kun is still a part of Orihara-kun, at the end of it all.
You might say that Orihara-kun is a pathological liar right to his bones, so his Shadow fragments split off from him might just be the same.
But herein lies the thing about Shadows: they exist because there's something their host is denying, and they're driven solely by their nature, that is to reveal and make known that which is being denied to the world. After all, isn't that why they're able to manifest in a physical form at all? Being physical means being seen, and being able to make some sort of impact and be seen clearly for it. Of course, this is just my take on things; I'm not an expert in this field.
So in other words, Shizuo-kun, Hibiya-kun was simply revealing to you what Orihara-kun himself didn't want to believe to be true but couldn't help thinking anyway.
So if Hibiya-kun said Orihara-kun thought of you as human – then Orihara-kun did, at some point or perhaps even as we speak, think of you as human.
...You're happy to hear that, right?
Considering how much Orihara-kun loves humans, it must feel amazingly validating and relieving to know that he thinks of you as human.
...But in spite of that, you're still a bit uneasy, aren't you? Shizuo-kun.
Not just because of your own insecurities, but also because you know, having gone through part of Izaya's mindscape, that his love for humans by itself is questionable. Or rather, the motives and the seemingly insincerity behind it are.
Not only that, but Izaya's own definition of what it means to be human is another matter up in the air for debate.
So all in all, even though Hibiya-kun said something like that, you still can't be certain if what it means for you is the same as what it means for Orihara-kun himself.
But you know what, Shizuo-kun?
Does it really matter?
Whether by Izaya's standards or my standards or even by the world's standards—
What's still most important is whether you consider yourself to be human by your own standards, isn't it?
Unless your own standards coincide with that of any other external party, that is.
But even if that's the case, I honestly think you have nothing much to worry about.
Just ask anyone who is relatively close to you, or at least knows you personally. Myself included.
That body of yours is certainly not normal, but everything else about you?
It's normal. It's human. It's as simple as that.
I mean, you have a Persona, don't you? Isn't that already proof enough?
So you can rest easy, Shizuo-kun. There's no doubt who, or what, you are, even if you don't think of yourself in that way at this moment. Even if someone who loves humans as much as Izaya weighs his opinion on the matter.
But if you ask me, you don't have to worry about the latter either.
Because Orihara Izaya – most assuredly does think of you as human. Shady definitions and motives aside, of course.
I mean, the fact that he tries so hard to deny that already betrays his true opinion of you, the way I see it. The harder he tries to deny it, and the more he insists on claiming you as non-human, that must mean you're all the more human in his eyes.
...Hm? "Is it really okay to be saying that when he could be listening in to you spilling all his secrets as if you're his Shadow or something?"
It's fine, Shizuo-kun. I said it earlier, right? Orihara-kun owes me, so this is how I'm going to payback for that.
Besides, haven't you already heard—
–oh wait.
...Ahh I completely forgot! You weren't there when Yosuke-kun, Yukiko-chan and Naoto-chan were fighting Orihara-kun's Shadow.
Hmm... In that case, I shouldn't say any further.
...Hey hey, don't look at me like that.
Yes, I admit, all this while I've been shamelessly hanging Izaya's dirty linen out in public but that's because I'd mistakenly thought you already know about all the embarrassing details about Orihara-kun's Shadow. So I thought, what's the big deal about saying a little more and giving my own opinion here and there? But now I remember – you weren't there during the fight. That makes things a little bit unfair.
...No? I don't mean it's unfair to Izaya at all. Though you're not entirely off the mark.
In the first place don't you think the entire situation has been completely in Izaya's disfavour? The one who found Seiji-kun's body first was Orihara-kun, the one who had been targeted in the first place was Orihara-kun, the one who got thrown into the TV – though he was asking for it, really – was Orihara-kun, the one who had Apathy Syndrome was Orihara-kun, the one who very nearly died was Orihara-kun, and the one who had most of their secrets revealed in just a matter of days was Orihara-kun as well...
Considering all of that, wouldn't you agree that Orihara-kun is actually, for the very first time in history, as unbelievable as it sounds, a victim in this case?
In other words, even if I were to stand in as his Shadow substitute and tell you even more embarrassing secrets, that wouldn't change his position in these...circumstances, for lack of a better word, much, if at all.
No, I mean – it's unfair to you, Shizuo-kun.
When I think about it, this entire incident has been nothing but unfair to you. Even more so than to Orihara-kun himself, if you ask me.
Because Orihara-kun had been Anonymous-san's target from the start.
But you, Shizuo-kun, Anonymous-san only implicated just because you happened to have some Persona ability of your own.
You got entangled in this because you chased Izaya that day. You had to live with the thought and belief that somebody was out for your life for reasons nobody knew. And then you had to experience something horrible at the hands of Anonymous-san himself—
—and you also had to face your own Shadow as a result.
It's ironic, however I look at it. We all thought we were going in to save Orihara-kun, but in the end Souji-kun and the others had to save you two from yourselves. And because of that, you didn't get to hear Izaya's true feelings, exaggerations and all.
Whereas most of us got to hear it. Even Souji-kun and the others who fought your Shadow – at the very least they managed to get through the fortress that Izaya created. The only other person I can think of who is in a similar situation as yours is my darling herself... Oh, and Anri-chan too.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, it isn't fair to you that you didn't get to hear it from Orihara-kun's Shadow personally, so me being the middleman in this kind of situation would make it even more unfair.
Especially since Izaya is kind of in a similar boat as you.
I mean, think about it. You didn't get to hear all there was to hear from Orihara-kun's Shadow, while Izaya knows close to nothing about yours. Absolutely nothing if he hasn't already been listening in on this conversation from the beginning. You actually have a bit of edge over him in that regard.
So if I were to tell you everything else his Shadow said, I'd be tipping the balance even further in your favour. Rather than it being even more unfair to Izaya, I'd say it's just as equally unfair to you, being given an advantage like that especially when Orihara-kun is clearly the primary victim of this case, if we're not considering Seiji-kun. By the look on your face, you seem to understand what I mean and agree with me too, so let's leave it at that, yes?
...Hm? There's another reason why you're glad I didn't spill the beans? Is it alright if I ask...
...Ahh, okay. It's a secret, huh? One that you'd rather not say at this moment?
Or, perhaps, it's something you want to say to Izaya directly and personally instead of letting him overhear it?
Ahaha, what can I say? I'm a professional mind reader. Gets to my precious darling every time.
...Mm? You've been wondering about something, you say?
...How did we become so close that we can have communication like that? Between me and Celty?
Well, I'm a little bit surprised. I thought you didn't want me to talk about Celty, Shizuo-kun?
...Huh? There's someone you've been wanting to speak to and get to know more about, and you've only just remembered about that person recently...?
In that case, I'm even more surprised. You're actually consulting me for advice on this on your own accord. Are you sure you're feeling alright, Shizuo-kun? You're not in a state of mental exhaustion to the point of confusion from the TV world and facing your Shadow?
No? You're sure?
...Hmm, alright then. I'm guessing it has something to do with your Shadow, so I won't probe much further.
Except... How long have you left this matter alone and forgotten, if I may ask?
...Eh?! You think it might be at least fifteen years?!
That's no good, Shizuo-kun. If it's been that long, how can you be sure you still want to know that person better? They could have changed drastically and your first impression of them may no longer apply, you know? Or for all you know, they may have already departed from this world... Not that I mean to curse them if they're still alive. Can you even be sure of where to find them, and how they even look like now?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I just felt like I should lay all that out for you and help you be more aware of what you want to deal with, Shizuo-kun. You've thought it through, it seems, so I guess I was a bit hasty in my response.
...But I guess that also means this person is that important to you, huh?
Ten to fifteen years... Could it be...?
...That lady who treated you to milk everytime you saw her when you were still in elementary school?
Ahaha, what's with that look you're giving me? Did I hit the nail on the head?
Oh right, I promised not to probe further.
Okay then, you don't have to tell me if I'm right or not. But she does seem to be the only one who fits what you just told me. Especially since you're asking me for advice.
..."Why 'especially'? What does guessing who it is have anything to do with me asking you?"
Well I mean... You're asking for advice on how to communicate with a possible childhood love interest, aren't you?
After all, you're asking specific advice from me, concerning how Celty and I communicate with each other and how our relationship plays a role in that and vice versa – in other words you're asking for specific love advice from somebody who is currently dating. Second, the time gap means you most likely met her when you were still in elementary school, which was the time you met that shop lady who gave you milk. And if I recall correctly, you were rather fond of her, weren't you, Shizuo-kun? Though things didn't go so well because you turned her shop upside-down when you were trying to help her out...which is another clue since you asking me for advice likely has something to do with your Shadow, which is most likely related to your paranormal strength.
So yup! All in all, it's a pretty intelligent guess, right? Even Orihara-kun thinks I ought to be a detective, though I don't particularly want to put much stock in that guy's words...
...Why are you looking at me like that? Did I get it wrong?
Huh, I'm free to think whoever I want? Well, alright then, if you say so.
Wait—
—You're not denying about the love interest claim?!
So— Eh— Wait—
Shizuo-kun are you seriously asking for advice on how to confess your love?!
Wow I can't believe it! Ah not about you falling in love but more of your decision to confide in me with a matter like this...! To be admired by a friend in this aspect makes me glad! Proud, even!
Because it means Celty and I are a model couple!
Of course I had no doubt in my mind that we are so. Not a shred of a doubt that Celty and I are made for each other...!
That's right, since the very first day I landed my eyes on her...
I knew in my heart right away that she was the one.
And over the years as I grew up while living together with her, I never gave up. I confessed and proclaimed my love whenever I had the opportunity to, regardless of how her replies were. I loved her – and I still do – for well over twenty years, and not once did I ever stop loving her, not once did I ever think about putting an end to unrequited confessions.
So I suppose if you want to get a good and memorable start to your budding romantic relationship, take a leaf from my book and—
—Huh? Wait— Shizuo-kun?
Why are you getting up from your seat and walking away without a single word?
Where are you going? Shizuo-kun?
Huh? You're leaving already? Wait wait wait, why? I still haven't shared my secret techniques with you yet!
Waiiiit Shizuo-ku—
Thud
…
A/N: Sorry for the long wait (and short chapter...) I was busy with exams, and had lots of things to do even after exams were over, so I didn't have much time to work on my writing... And I'm really sorry if this chapter felt like filler to you, since there wasn't anything going on orz But I felt that the little bit of exposition was necessary, at this point. I initially planned to skip this entirely, but after working on the later scenes I realised that Shinra and Shizuo's conversation was actually more important than even I thought it to be, as it puts in perspective the rather complicated role Shizuo plays in the antagonist's "game" (when taking into account what has been discussed amongst the IT and Celty in the previous chapter), as well as Shinra's (mis)understanding, and also reinforces the concept of Personas and Shadows and mentions of a "Persona Game" again, among other things, so I decided to write the details out as an interlude. It might seem insignificant plot-wise - even I thought so too! - but in hindsight this conversation, like the previous discussion chapters, is crucial for understanding what's about to come in the later parts of the arc. It's a lot of dialogue and exposition, but that will soon come to an end in the next chapter. After that the plot will move (quickly, I hope), I promise.
(Now I'll also give a vague, but very important, hint: the first arc is titled the New Days Arc, the second is Hohoemi no Kage. And this third, final arc is titled the Golden Week Arc. I think the name itself is already quite telling of how this arc will go, or at least the timeline of it.)
Thank you for all your support! I really appreciate it! :)