CH. 3: Skinny Love

In the morning I'll be with you, But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets, And you'll be owning all the fines

The sight in front of me shouldn't bother me. I knew it would have happened sooner or later. It was foolish of me to think that she would never allow herself to fall in love again; to give herself away as she once did with me.

But it doesn't make this any easier. It doesn't stop the lump in my throat from forming. It doesn't make the rage within me settle down.

Because she might have never been mine to begin with. We could have been a whirl wind romance for all I know. But my heart is getting pulled apart piece by piece as I see her searching for comfort in his arms. My heart simply stops beating as if it can't find a reason to continue fighting.

He keeps whispering words into her ear as she hides her face in his chest. He puts a bullet straight into my brain with his cold stare.

And the simple thought of knowing that he can touch her without scaring her away… that all I can do at this moment is just stand here and stare… makes me get angrier as I break further apart.

I'm not sure what to think. But as I hear Zayn tell Halley that he's going to take Ally inside to calm her down for a bit, I stay paralyzed in place.

I just slowly see them take small steps to the house and then disappear into nothing.

It's only when Halley starts asking me if I'm alright that I realize where I am.

I swallow back the lump that has formed in my throat and force myself to be fine. After all… I was the one who pushed her away. I was the one who ran away when the going was tough.

In a raspy voice I manage to tell her that nothing's wrong. She looks at me with concerned eyes but I put on the best smile I can at the moment before I say, "Come on baby. It's getting dark. We should get going."

I put my hands in my pockets and begin walking away when she pulls me back, asking if we can stay a little bit longer. I want to tell her that right at this moment I just want the ground to swallow me right up. Instead I give her a small smile and nod my head. Excusing myself for a second to catch air while she goes back to her relatives.

She doesn't even notices me walking right out of the yard and into the streets of Miami.

With each step I take I feel guilty. There in that house, I have an amazing girl that loves me with her entire heart. And I will never be able to give her mine because it belongs to someone else…

It belongs to the girl who made me fall in love without even knowing. The girl that still makes my heart skips too many beats to be considered healthy. I should tell Halley about Ally, but I know that I won't bring myself to do it.

So I simply decide to let my feet lead me to nowhere in particular as I walk through the streets of Miami; my roots.

I always imagined coming back home would be incredible. I would go see my parents first, and then visit Dez and Trish who have been married for a couple of months now and then… I would go see Ally. I would ask her how she's been and see what she's been up to. I would ask her to catch up with me over dinner or something. I'd joke around, tell her about the beauty in California but then reassure her that she's not missing anything because Miami… Miami is heart-stopping.

I would be able to show her that I still belong to her. That when I said goodbye… I never actually left her side.

But it's nothing like that. In fact it's actually the opposite. I feel like the Band-Aid that had been keeping my heart together just got torn off without a warning. It's like a paper cut. Something that seems so harmless yet deathly, painful.

I know that Ally hasn't been mine for a while. But hearing that she's with Zayn suddenly makes it seem so real. Before it felt like it was just a dream and I could lie to myself by making up different scenarios with Ally but now I know the truth. And I can't make myself believe a lie because I know that it's not true.

And what hurts the most is thinking what we almost could have had. If we had held on for a little bit longer, if we would have loved a little bit better… would we have made it? Would I be marrying Ally right now?

I let out a frustrated sigh as I think about everything.

What we had was a reckless love.

It's hard to forget the screaming and fighting. Her accusing me of cheating on her. The way I'd never be home because of work or hanging out with my friends. I'd forget dates, she'd cancel them. The tears that were caused by the hateful words we'd scream to one another.

I didn't know how to love her right. She didn't know how to trust me even when I told her that there was no one else.

And as the time dragged on I saw how my perfect china doll was slowly breaking apart. She smiled less; we fought more. And the fact that everything I did to fix her only made her fall apart frightened me.

She was hurting and it was all because of me. I didn't want to leave but after a while I had to put my selfish need of wanting her aside and accept the fact that I couldn't give her what she needed.

The love that was once so sweet, turned toxic.

The kind where you know you should leave but you can't. You just try to hold on tighter to those memories and feelings that are coming undone. Until one day you realize that you can't remember a time when you didn't fight, or screamed, or cried.

And you know that you're the poison of the person you love but you're too selfish to let them go. Until you see them at their breaking point and realize that if you love them… you need to let them go.

Even if they don't want to leave.

To this day our story confuses me. I don't know where we went wrong. I was so sure we would have made it. I still can't decide if I made the right decision.

But I had to let her go…

because I love her.