CH. 7: Not Over You
If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine.
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind.
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two.
And finally I'm forced to face the truth. No matter what I say I'm...
Not over you
When Halley said she had big news about the wedding, I was expecting her to say she had found the venue for our wedding or the dress of her dreams. Not that Ally Dawson- yea, the Ally Dawson- as in the girl that I currently may or may not still have feelings for, might be our Maid of Honor!
And here I thought we had suffered the worst part of this double date. Clearly my hopes were just too high! I was actually enjoying the food until I chocked on the proposition of Ally being our Maid of Honor!
Halley's voice still rings in my ears, So I want to welcome you into the family by asking you, if you could please give me the honor of being my Maid of Honor for my wedding?
Her words make me pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming. This can't be happening. For crying out loud! Halley has only met Ally once! And she's already inviting her to the family?
I feel as if I just lost all my air. I grab onto the table in hopes that I won't fall down even if I'm sitting down on a chair. And all of us stay still as we wait for someone to speak.
Yet it's not until I hear Ally's voice that I finally get the courage to get a good look at her.
"Maid of honor?" she numbly asks.
She looks like a deer in head lights as my thoughts reflect in her eyes.
Halley gives her another warm smiling at with hopeful eyes and I can't help but get anxious. If Ally says yes and becomes our Maid of Honor, I swear I'll lose my mind!
I make myself calm down as I take slow sips of my water. I mean it's not like Ally is going to coordinate our wedding while knowing I am the groom. And let's not forget, the last time Ally and I spoke she was ready to drop me dead. There's no way she's going to agree to this.
I only stare at Ally as I analyze what her lips are saying.
"Halley it's sweet of you to ask me to be your Maid of Honor but..."
I feel a sense of relief as I close my eyes, but then I hear, "I don't think we make it official until we tell your parents that I have agreed to be your maid of honor!"
My eyes are wide open as I try to comprehend what just happened. Halley gets up from her seat as she rushes to pull Ally into a bear hug. I can only hear her mumble thank you's as my life crumbles right in front of my eyes.
On the other hand, Zayn and I look utterly confused. Our faces reflect each other as we both have trouble closing our mouths and keeping our eye balls in their sockets.
Why would Ally agree to be the Maid Of Honor for us? Why would she make this awkward situation we're caught in even MORE AWKWARD?
Finally being able to compose myself, I decide to look at Ally. I just need to know what the heck was going through her mind when she decided to make this decision.
The moment that our eyes catch one another, we freeze. I can tell that there's uncertainty coming from her eyes. She's scared for what she's gotten into and I wished I could say that I'm not worried for her, but I'm actually worried about us.
If Ally keeps giving me the cold shoulder and is our Maid Of Honor with Zayn hanging around us 24/7 than I am going to die. I am not going to be able to handle this situation at all.
We all calm down after a round of congratulations and laughter before we continue to eat dinner. The rest of the meal I try to keep myself away from the conversation. Afraid that if my mouth talked for more than a second necessary, it might blurt out the wrong thing at the wrong time.
We're only ordering dessert when Ally says, "Umm. I hope you all don't mind but I need to use the restroom."
The minute she finishes her sentence she is making her way to the bathroom. As I see her walk away, I know this might be the only chance I get to talk to Ally privately before we start planning for the wedding. Without any hesitation I tell Halley and Douche Bag that I need to go to the restroom as well.
I try to calm my heart rate as I take each step. I have no clue what I'm going to tell Ally. Why is this bothering me so much? Why can't I just accept the fact that Ally is completely fine with the idea of being the Maid of Honor for my wedding?
I keep playing with my hands in a need of distraction when I realize that Ally's walking out of the women's bathroom. And before I can think of the consequences my actions can bring, I cover her mouth with my hand and pull her into the men's restroom and lock the door.
I can feel her struggling my grip but I keep a tight hold on her. She keeps uttering things that I can't understand because of my hand, but her voice makes my hand feel funny vibrations.
Taking all the courage I can find within me, I open my mouth to start a very interesting conversation with Ally Dawson, "Ally I know this must look really bad on my part but let's not jump to conclusions."
The moment I let her go, Ally moves away from me as her eyes glare at me. I know she's beyond furious as she yells in a stern voice, "And how am I not supposed to jump to conclusions! I'm only trapped in the MEN'S restroom with my EX-BOYRFRIEND!"
I take a deep breath at hearing Ally's words. This is most definitely not the smartest method to talk to Ally.
She's passing back and forth as she's telling me how stupid and careless I still am with my actions when out of nowhere she stops by saying, "Austin why did you bring me into the men's restroom?"
All of a sudden I feel nervous. This great idea of mine backfires as I realize that I'm standing in front of the only girl whose made me fall in love head over heels. And there's nowhere to hide because I'm already in the restroom.
"Ally we need to talk. We can't act like we don't each other," I start off.
She's just continues to glare at me as she bitterly says, "There is nothing to talk about Austin. Everything that needed to be said and done was taken care of when we went our separate ways."
I cringe as I hear her say these words. I find myself at loss for words but at the same time I feel frustrated. Does she really feel this way? Did we really mean so little to her?
"Well maybe everything was said and done for you Ally. But not for me."
I force myself to look up from the ground to meet her eyes. I can tell she's surprised from my confession.
I will myself to be honest with her. This might be the last time I get to talk to her without any pressure. This might be the last chance to make things okay between us. I am simply going to set everything right. So things can be less awkward and complicated.
"Do you honestly believe that we can continue to play this game of I don't know you? You're going to be my Maid of Honor for Pete's Sake! What don't you get Ally? You just made this situation ten times more complicated and now we're going to be seeing each other for the next three months!" I tell her in desperation.
She looks scared as she stares right back at me. And she seems to be confused by my words as she shouts in a whisper, "There's nothing to talk about. My business is no longer of your concern. And your business is your business. Now can you please let me out before my boyfriend and your fiancée start imagining the wrong thing!"
I try to think as quickly as I can of the words I should say. Why does she have to make this so damn complicated.
"Ally I am begging you. Give me five minutes! Just five minutes for the relationship we had. Just five minutes of a decent conversation being one hundred percent honest with each other," I plea as if my life depends on it.
My hands are slightly nudging my neck as I put myself in the most uncomfortable situation. I never expected her to be this stubborn.
She keeps staring at the ground for a while, but the moment that her eyes meet mine, I wish she had kept staring at the ground.
She seems distant. She's trying to keep her emotions hidden and so far she's doing a great job at it. I just wish things could have been different.
Anticipation rises in my heart as I feel each minute count off. Small beads of sweat are forming on my forehead and at the nape of my neck as she looks at me intensely.
Is it possible for her not to answer me? Will she really leave me hanging?
Silence is the only sound that is heard between us. Both of us have our guards up as we try to read each other's minds. This feels all to familiar as I try my best to stay calm.
"Why do you care if I'm the Maid of Honor for your wedding?" she coldly asks.
With nothing better to say, I simply tell her, "It just matters okay. Look I just want to make this less awkward... So can you please tell me what I need to do for you to forgive me?"
She only stares at me as she she stays quiet once again. It's only a few seconds later that she says, "Well I'm not explaining myself if you can't tell me the reason why this bothers you so MUCH!"
She's frustrating me more with each second. And before I can stop myself I softly ask, "Do you really want to know why this frustrates me like hell Ally?"
She just nods her head as she opens her mouth to speak. But her words are never heard because all too soon, I'm talking without a limit.
"The reason I want to fix things is because you frustrate me Ally. You're getting under my skin all over again without even knowing and it hurts, okay? It hurts to think that you're going to be around me again and give me the cold shoulder. It hurts to think that I won't be able to talk to you like the old times. It hurts to know that every time you see me I just bring you anger, and it hurts to know that I hurt you this badly.
And to be honest I don't even know why it hurts me this much or bothers me. Because honestly I thought I was okay with us being over. And I know it's been a long time since we've last seen each other. But it doesn't matter because the idea that you're completely fine with me moving on and getting married to another girl... who isn't you... hurts."
I'm trying to catch my breath as Ally looks at me with wide eyes. We both stay silent once again as I wait for her to respond. There. I told her my reasons. As stupid as they may seem, it's true.
Because staring at this girl, standing right in front of me, let's me know that it doesn't matter who she's with or where she's at. I will always, truly, love her.
"Ally, I know that this is the most inconvenient time to say these next words, but you just have to know. And there is no easy way to say this and I know I screwed things up," I utter out as fast as I can.
I have no clue what I'm doing. You can hear how desperate I sound in my voice. I guess I'm just hoping for a miracle to happen. Because I really think that I need one of those right now.
I run my fingers through my hair as I tell her, "But I still am completely, undeniable, head over heels, in love with you. I have loved you since the moment we met by chance at the club."
Well I guess the cat's out of the bag. There's no going back.
She's glaring at me. I can imagine her thinking about killing me on the spot but even though she's frustrated with everything that has to do with us, I've never felt better.
I feel my breath get heavier at the thought of what I just said. I haven't really been straight foreword with my feelings since Ally. I didn't even tell Halley that I loved her until two months ago.
A few seconds pass and then Ally's shaking her head. She brings her hand through her hair as she thinks to herself. I prepare myself for whatever answer she says.
"Don't you dare do this to me Austin. Not right now!" She whispers angrily at me.
She looks frustrated but scared at the same time. She looks absolutely confused and I can't really help her out because I am in the same boat as her.
And in a split second everything's changed. Ally's coming towards me as she hits my chest over as she says, "That's not fair! It's not fair Austin!"
With one last shove, she starts to walk away from me once again. She quickly moves some hair out of her face before finishing with, "You don't get to come here and tell me you still love me."
I cautiously walk towards her as I continue to say, "I know that things didn't go too well the first time we tried. At least not the ending. But I am willing to go through everything if I have you. I know what to do now Ally. I know what to say to make it better when things seem to fall apart."
I let out a soft sigh as I think how to word my next sentence. Slowly I lean down to touch our foreheads. As I look into her eyes I can see the doubt, the anger, the fear, and yet love is mixed in all of those emotions.
"I know how to make you understand that I love you. I promise not to run when the going gets tough or when you ask me to. Because the last time I saw you was enough to drive me crazy for days and it left me feeling a rush of adrenaline that made me feel like I could do anything," I whisper as I push some of her hair away from her face.
As I look into her big brown beautiful eyes I can't help but get lost in them. At this moment nothing matters. All I know is that Ally is right here with me. And that she's still mine as I am hers.
Before I can even acknowledge what is happening, or where I am, I am leaning in. My heart is pounding in my ears at the thought of what is about to happen. And before I can stop it, I kiss Ally Dawson softly on the lips.