CH. 8: Sad Beautiful Tragic

We had a beautiful magic love there.
What a sad beautiful tragic love affair.

Everything's a blur as his lips touch mine. And for a second I'm paralyzed as I think about what's happening. But I can't stop myself as my hands somehow manage to get tangled in his hair. And I can't help but feel like this kiss is long overdue.

It seems like we're back to square one. When we used to live in the same house and have stupid fights about things I can't even remember. And then, out of nowhere, Austin would kiss me to get us to stop fighting.

But it's only for a few seconds because all too soon I remember that it's nothing like back then. He's engaged. I have a boyfriend.

A simple kiss can't fix this problem. And with all the strength I have, I force myself to move away.

I know the kiss is a mistake. A stupid mistake. Yet I will myself to swallow the lump in my throat as I weakly whisper, "I can't."

And before he can tell me anything else, I rush out of the bathroom as I take deep breaths.

Just as I'm about to reach our table, I stop and hide from Zayn's and Halley's sight. I'm pretty sure I look stupid right now, staring at the wall without blinking. I keep taking deep breaths as I try my best to calm down.

First Halley and then Austin! Will I ever get a break from these two?

And it's only now that I realize the weight of my compromise.

I've just agreed to be the Maid of Honor for my ex!

Now I don't know what another girl would have done if she was in my place, but something tells me that they wouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. So the question I'm trying to answer is; why the hell did I say YES!?

Well it could have been the fact that everyone's eyes were on me. Or maybe how Halley's genuine smile was beginning to come undone as I couldn't decided what to answer. But right now the motive is the least of my worries. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to be the Maid of Honor for Halley and Austin.

The thought alone makes my heartbeat race in my chest. Imagining possible scenarios of the future only makes me want to leave this place. Anywhere sounds nice. But I think I'll need to move out of the country to escape my fate.

At this point I know I'm desperate. I've screwed myself up. All because I couldn't form the two letter word no.

Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair through my hair as I wonder how I can weasel myself out this situation. Thoughts keep rushing through my mind when I hear a familiar voice.

"Ally are you okay? Austin got back from the restroom before you and we were starting to get worried."

I turn around to find Halley staring at me as if I just lost my mind.

I give her the best smile I can as I wonder how crazy I'm going to be once the wedding is over.

Being caught red handed, I say the first thing that comes to my mind, "I was just thinking about all the things that will need to get done for the wedding, and it seems a bit daunting."

Automatically a smile forms on her face as she says, "Oh you don't have to worry about that silly! At least not yet. And don't worry. You're in great hands. Just wait until you meet the rest of the bridesmaids."

I take another deep breath as I try to compose myself. She can't know that I don't want to be her Maid of Honor. It would most likely crush her and if anyone knows me, I can't crush anybody's hopes or dreams. Even when it affects me.

"You're right Halley. I'm just overthinking this," I manage to tell her .

I'm shrugging my shoulders and force another smile across my face. She can't suspect a thing. She can't find out the truth.
On that note I follow Halley back to our table and take my seat.

Zayn and Austin both put their phones away the moment we reach them. Halley starts telling us how excited she is that she's back home. Yet all I can do is count the minutes until this date is finally over.

When we finally say goodnight and I get into the car with Zayn, I feel a bit better. Not enough to belive that everything will be fine. But just enough to feel like I can breath again.

The ride back is quiet until Zayn starts talking about how nice this dinner was and how great it is that I'm going to the Maid of Honor for his cousin's wedding.
I smile and laugh at the appropriate times. I even help keep the conversation going. Yet when we reach my apartment, and he turns off the car; Zayn says, "Is everything fine Ally? Does it bother you that you're going to be the Maid of Honor for Halley? Because I can talk to her you know? If you want me to that is."

I shake my head in disapproval as I simply say, "No I'm fine Zayn. The question did catch me offf guard but I'm okay with it. It is an honor after all?"
Zayn softy chuckles at this as he says, "Okay then."

With that we say goodbye and I get out of his car. As I see his taillights fade, I make a promise with myself that I am not going to ruin Halley's moment. What's in the past is in the past. This is the present. It's time to move on.

Walking to my place, I start to search for my keys as I walk up the stairs. When I finally push the door wide open, I'm only greeted by darkness and silence.
The freshness inside cools off my skin from the hot sticky night. I throw my bag on the ground and kick my shoes off as I make my way to the light switch. As soon as the light turns on, I see my all too boring furniture come into view. Everything is spotless. It's all in place. Just how left it before I went to dinner tonight.

But I'm not the same.

I take a seat on my couch as tonight replays all over in my head. It gives me another headache as I feel myself losing my mind. This isn't suppose to happen. I'm not suppose to be the Maid of Honor for Halley. The girl that is marrying the guy who I swore to have loved.

And the kiss...

That kiss wasn't supposed to happen. Austin was not suppose to tell me he still loves me. This just can't be happening.

I let out a groan as I silently curse Austin. A year later and he can still frustrate me to no end.

Why is that? How can he still affect me this badly even after all this time?

I'm over him. I'm done with the wishing and the hoping and the believing. I have stopped waiting for him to magiaclly show up and tell me he wants to try one more time.

Yet tonight left me restless. Having him that close to me, and seeing him with Halley, bothered me more than it should have. And whether I would like to admit it or not, I enjoyed that kiss too much for my own good.

Slowly lifting my head, I look at the closet near my front door. Debating if what I'm about to do next will do me any good.

I know I should be fine and forget the whole incident that happened in the restroom but I can't. And before I can convince myself that I shouldn't, I find myself walking towards the closet. It doesn't take long until I see a box that's hidden in the corner.

The one that has long gathered dust and has been forgotten until now.

It takes a couple minutes to take it down. But the moment I'm holding it in my hands I just stare at it in amazement.

My mind tells me to put it back before it's too late. But my heart like always wins. And it isn't long until I find myself sitting on the ground with the box right in front of me waiting to be opened.

As soon as I open the box, I can't help but smile. Everything in this box holds special memories.

When we broke up I couldn't budge myself to get rid of the things he gave me. I tried many times to get rid of them. But somehow they only got as far to the edge of my door before getting thrown right back in the closet.

Right on top there's a small teddy bear. It's old and scruffy. It's the first thing Austin ever gave to me. I recall how he had won it for me on our first unofficial date. It's funny how he kept telling me he couldn't get me the big teddy bear because the booth was rigged.

I let out a chuckle at that thought. I bet he'll still say that he could have gotten me the big one if things had been even. Carefully setting the bear on the ground, I start to rummage through the other treasures that are kept in the box.

Within a couple of seconds I am surrounded by random objects. There's a pile of sticky notes. A plastic rose that is placed right next to a napkin that holds the lyrics of a song he sang to me. An old shirt that he gave me after he dumped Gatorade all over me is tangled with a cute robot necklace that has a mustache. And a journal with musical notes all over the cover is randomly opened on a page with old forgotten love notes.

When I look back into the box there's only one thing left. Pictures.

Grabbing them delicately, I slowly spread the pictures around me. There are so many of them that the sight overwhelms me. Some are black and white. Others are in color. The only thing that they all have in common is that they all hold a precious moment that we once lived.

I first look at the photos of when we had just started dating. We have a big smile on our faces followed by the same spark in the eyes on every single one. On some of photos we were even too busy looking at the other that we didn't bother posing for the picture.

My favorite one is the one where we didn't even know we were being photographed. We're both sitting down on a bench in a backyard. It's obvious that whatever we were talking about at that moment made us happy.

He's looking down at me as a boyish grin graces his face. It looks like he's telling me something as my head rests on his shoulder. My eyes are looking up at him in wonderment as a big smile is playing across my face.

It's really a simple photo. Nothing too special. No pretty clothing. Just a t-shirt and jeans for the both of us. Our hands are interwined as they rest in my lap.
We have better photos of us two. But I guess the reason why this one stands out the most is because you can see that we care for one another. There's something in his smile that looks like he's enchanted, even memorized, while my eyes let's the whole world know that there's no one else I'd rather be with.
I put the photo down as I continue to look around at the others.

One captures the moment when he asked me to move in with him. It has people wearing a shirt with a letter that in the end spelles the words to the question. There's a lot of Disneyworld and many more so with Trish and Dez. We even have a decent amount with his family and mine.

The more I look through them the more I'm reminded of every holiday and important events we shared. There are silly ones, there are serious ones, and some that don't make much sense.

Too soon I'm left with only a few pictures left... And I as I see them scattered around, I can feel my heart ache at seeing them. They're the last moments we had before we called it off.

You can notice something different in them than the photos we took at the beginning of our relationship. Yet you can't put your finger on it.

Maybe our eyes weren't shining the way they once used to. It could be that our smiles weren't as big as the beginning. Possibly, stress we didn't have at the beginning started to become more evident. But whatever it was, it showed in every single of these last photos.

You can still tell that we loved one another though. You just had to look at them harder and longer. I never realized the simple gestures he did towards me until this moment. The way that he slightly leaned towards me or those moments when he would look at me when I wasn't.

Still. We weren't on the same page for any of the pictures. We both looked distanced from each other even when we would be in each other's embrace.

As I pick up the last memory I have left, I feel like Austin's breaking up with me again. We both have weak smiles. They even look kind of forced. I'm looking straight at the camera and slightly lean towards him while he's looking at the ceiling and makes sure to define a space between us. His hand is around my waist but I remember how he was only pretending to rest it there.

I put it away before I continue to remember. Because the memories that comes after this photo aren't pretty at all. It was the point where all the frustration we had towards one another started to become evident. And that was only the first step to our downfall.

I quickly go through the notes when one finally catches my eyes.

I silently read it in my mind all over.

Y is for Yours. I am 100% yours and there's no one whose I'd rather be. You have me in your hands Ally. I will never let you go and I'll fight for us no matter how much the trouble is or who I have to be against. I will fight to the end and win. You can choose what you want to do with me because I'm yours and I'm hoping you'll always be mine. I love you so much and I hope that you always know that. I love you Ally Dawson! 3 P.S. come outside to the backyard.

Reading this note makes me think that I would have ended the relationship instead of him. He sounds so in love in this simple note. He sounds like he meant every word he wrote.

It brings a smile to my face for a second. Then I wonder what changed. What made him want to leave. I know I was being annoying but I still loved him enough to support him. Why couldn't he support me?

I sigh before I place all the stuff back into the box. As I grab the plastic rose I can't help but remember how he told me he would love me for forever. And I believed him like I've never believed anyone.

I really did believe that our love could last forever. I thought we would have made it til death do us apart. I guess any one who said that forever, always and never are words you should never say are correct... Because Austin's promise just made me realize that those three words don't exist.

As I put tape in the box it feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders.

We had a beautiful love affair. He's moved on and so have I. I am happy he meet a girl like Halley. And if she can make him happy, in the end, that's all I want for him.

I smile to myself as I take one last look at the box before I place it in the closet where it will most likely gather dust until one day I remember the beautiful magic love affair I had with him and take it out to see what I felt when I was head over heels for someone.