Hey everyone. This is my first Austin and Ally fic- it came to me this afternoon, and I knew I had to write it. I don't know if I'll turn it into a multichapter or not, but for now, this is it. Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Enjoy.

I never realized how easy it is to fake a smile. I never realized how fucking easy it is to make everyone believe that I'm the happy-go-lucky, joking, fun-loving Austin Moon. It's not easy to pretend, but in my opinion, I've become a pretty damn good actor. After all, no one has figured out what I'm hiding. Not yet.

I don't really have the ideal life. My parents- although they may seem caring and loving- are emotionally abusive. They pressure me from every angle, until I'm reduced to nothing. Until all I can do is drown my emotions out in tears. I cry myself to sleep at night, and slit my wrist more times than I can count, and then it becomes all okay again.

Temporary relief is all I have anymore. I'm a singing sensation, as people like to call it- so I definitely can't kill myself. I can't end it- I have so many fans relying on me, and I don't want to disappoint more people. I've already disappointed my parents, Trish, Dez, even…Ally.

They don't look at me the same anymore. Not since I flipped out- learning that Ally had gotten together with Dallas. That was two weeks ago, and they've iced me out ever since. Being coldly polite, purposefully leaving me out of shit, the works. I'm nothing to them. Not anymore.

I guess cutting has now become my outlet. Music is long gone- it's a thing of the past. When I sing, I just feel empty and hollow. Forced, even- like I have to make myself sing, and pretend I'm having fun doing it. I've never had a problem with pretending, but it's starting to get more difficult.

I think Dez is beginning to notice a change in my demeanor. He's still barely speaking to me, but being my best friend- he can tell that something isn't right with me. I'm surprised he didn't notice sooner. I'm surprised that any of them haven't noticed yet. I'm waiting for the day my sleeve rides up, and then my life is over.

I cut to feel something. Because otherwise, I'm just numb- and I can't stand feeling nothing. I cut to feel something- and if that something is pain, so be it. It's better than happiness. Happiness isn't even a real emotion. It's something people delude themselves into believing- and then get their hearts broken. I would know, it happened to me.

I was happy- I thought I had everything going for me. A great career, three amazing friends, popularity, the life. And then it all came crashing down, and I plummeted into the ocean that is better known as depression. It's like I'm drowning and no one will help me. It's like I'm being cut open, bleeding onto the stones, but no one can see the blood. No one can see the pain.

I'm done with this shit, and this life. No one cares about my feelings anymore. All they can do is order me around, insult me when they think I don't hear them, and break me down ever more. They'll keep going, and I'll keep deteriorating- until one day, when I finally snap in half, and that's when they'll feel guilty. Not now, when I need them the most. Only when I attempt suicide, and all is revealed- will they ever feel an ounce of guilt for me.

I think I'm in love with Ally. After all, she's kind, sweet, funny, and she compliments me in a way that no one else can. She was my other half…until she decided that I was being a complete jealous dick, and threw me out like the gum on her sneaker. I just didn't want her to get hurt- Dallas has a reputation for being a player- but she assumed I was jealous, and blew up at me. I guess I don't deserve anything I have right now.

I guess I'm just tired. Tired of living, tired of hurting, tired of pretending. I'm tired of lying, tired of faking, and most of all, tired of being. I'm tired of everything- but it doesn't seem like it'll ever get better. I just wish someone understood. I wish someone cared enough about me, to ask me what's wrong. To tell me it's going to be okay, because right now, I fucking doubt it.

I just want to die. I want people to see what impact their words can have on a person. A piece of my heart is chipped away every time my parents call me a disappointment. Every time Ally calls me a jealous asshole. Every time Trish claims I'm just an attention-seeking dickhead. Every time Dez looks at me with anger in his eyes.

I sound like an over-dramatic asshole, but I don't honestly care anymore. I don't care how people judge me anymore. I'll always be the fuck up that no one cares about- the popstar that became depressed for sympathy. It's not fucking like that. This depression- these suicidal thoughts- they're 100% real.

I've tried to make myself happy, but it just doesn't seem to work anymore, so I don't even bother. There's no point in trying to fix something that's too far broken. Pieces of me are shattered- the happy parts. And I think my emotions went with them, because right now, I feel nothing- except pain.

Everything about my life hurts, and I'm not sure where it can be repaired, or whether it can be repaired. I can't fix my friendships- Ally, Dez, and Trish are too pissed at me for that. I can't make myself less of a disappointment- my best is still short of perfection. The only thing I am is a disappointment, and it's all I'll ever be.

I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling and complaining and wasting your time. I'll shut up now- don't want another person angry with me. I don't think I can take more cruel words, more angry glares, more suicidal thoughts. I know you're all just going to judge me and criticize me. But, before you do judge me, step into my shoes. Try that. Because quite honestly, it's not nearly as easy as it looks. If it were, would I be so broken?

It's short and kind of crappy, I know. I might make this a prologue, and turn this into a multichapter- but that depends on the reviews I get. So, I hope you enjoyed this, and if you do want the rest of the story, review your hearts out. Thanks :)

-Neha