CH. 17: Let Her Go

Thursday

Today we are going to be looking at places where the wedding can take place.

So far I have been super organized and have planned everything down to the last minute. I really don't want to have things chaotic as the cake decision went. I have even decided to stay near Cristina and Patricia most of the time, and let Alice, Halley, and Austin mingle.

And I am ready for Alice's comebacks. When we went to catering a day after the cake tasting, Alice kept having something negative to say about every single one. It was, 'the food is too hot, it's too spicy, it's too good to be true.' She even said that the food would be better off if we just hired people to cook the meals that she wanted it. Gosh, if I didn't know better, I would have thought that she was the bride and not Halley.

When I go downstairs to breakfast I walk in the door to see all the girls in one table with the exception of Halley and Austin. I start to take out my phone to send them a text message to get down as I make my way to the girls but when I hear that laughter, my head turns sharply to the noise.

And for the first time in this entire trip, Austin and Halley spend time alone. They are lost in their own world as Austin keeps cracking jokes to make Halley laugh. And seeing her laugh makes him laugh in joy.

And something about this makes my stomach get this funny feeling. And it makes my heart drop down to my stomach. It's almost like Austin got my hopes up yesterday with the ice cream, when I saw him get uncomfortable when Halley brought up Zayn, when Austin asked me if he was a good boyfriend, to only get hit by reality.

It takes me a second to compose myself and not look like I'm going to throw up at any moment. I take deep breathes as I walk up to the girls. And as they greet me, I try my hardest to make my smile look as honest as possible.

When we get to the first venue, it has a homey feel to it. It's small and has an intimate feel as the place is decorated by a garden and fountains. It's the kind of look that Austin would hope for since I remembered he said he wanted a backyard wedding.

Cristina started jumping up and down as she looked around. She even asked me where I was when she got married which made me blush from her compliment. Patricia said it looked nice but it wasn't her style.

As I looked at the flowers I kept my eyes close on Halley as she inspected the place. The garden like venue was big enough to please Halley with the number of people she wanted to invite. In fact she had lists and lists of people. So I made sure for the venues we had in mind today to have enough space for them.

We are walking around and when we gather Austin is the first to comment as he says, "I love it. It has that hometown feel that I adore."

He is smiling cheeky and Halley's eyes are glowing as she says, "I love all the flowers and it has this princess kind of feel to it."

She opens her mouth to say more but she never finishes it. Because soon enough Alice is opening her mouth to say, "Well it's a nice look but nothing that a celebrity could ever want."

And as soon as the words left her mouth, Halley's eyes dimmed as she said, "Ally not to sound mean but I hope the other venues aren't like this. I really want to have the wedding of the year in the People magazine."

And just like that, Halley and Alice are walking off, talking about who knows what as I am left behind wondering how the heck does Alice manipulate Halley so well…

As we go through the other venues, I feel like I am trying to please Alice more than Halley… or fighting with Alice to get Halley's attention.

When we finally get to the second to last venue, I am tired. Cristina and Patricia seem to be my support. I am even surprised that Patricia is helping me. She keeps on telling me that Alice is a stuck up… dog, for not wanting to say inappropriate words around me, to try to make me feel better. Cristina has even already called me as her wedding planner for the renewal of her vows when time comes. Halley always seems to like the venues until Alice says it's not enough and Austin is too damn quiet to make me feel any better.

The third one is different from all the rest. It's glamorous like a Broadway show is about to happen or an award. The ceiling is high and there are chandeliers on it. There are beautiful paintings everywhere and the views from the windows are amazing as you see the city below you. There even is a small balcony where you can go out and catch air if you want. It's over the top. And something tells me from the decorations that Halley's going to want is going to push the limits.

And for the first time Halley says this is the venue of her dreams. And she goes rushing to Austin and asks him what he thinks. He looks hesitant as he says it's nice but makes sure to remind her of the first venue we saw. And then with an unpleased look Halley turns to me and says, "We'll just keep these two places in mind. It's either going to be this or Austin's idea."

When we get to the hotel everyone is making small talk. And all I know is I want to go to my room. Halley and I start talking about what decorations we will be putting when Austin calls her over for something. And then Alice is making her way to me with a smirk on her face.

"You found some pretty venues for today Ally."

She tries to sound inviting and sweet, but somehow I don't believe her tone as I thank her. And she is about to say something else when Cristina comes over and starts asking me for the websites I used to find the places.

I am more than ready to leave when Halley says, "Girls you'll never guess what! Austin's manager got him to perform at a club near here for Saturday and he got us all VIP passes!"

Automatically all the girls start squealing but somehow my excitement for anything left this morning when I went downstairs to get breakfast.

Saturday

I feel overdressed when I look at myself in the mirror. Well not exactly but I feel like I've tried too much to impress a certain someone and I definitely do NOT want to give that impression. I'm not even sure if I did it conscious or not.

When I get out Patricia says, "Dang! Someone looks hot."

I laugh at her compliment as my checks turn red but laugh harder when she adds, "But not as hot as me honey."

When I go downstairs I am relieved to see that the other girls have dressed up too. It almost makes me feel like there is nothing wrong with my outfit.

We go to the club by ourselves without Austin. He had to get there early for rehearsal and all that. When we get there it's already packed and there's a line that goes on for streets. Some girls have signs and others are talking about the hopes of Austin falling in love with them at first sight. I only cling on to Cristina as Halley leads us inside though the back door.

By the time the show is about to start, we are already in the front row. It's dark and I can't really hear anything due to Austin's screaming fans. But as soon as I realize that he's about to come on stage, I wish I could be anywhere, anywhere but here. Because seeing this, experiencing this again only brings back memories. It reminds me of those good sweet moments and has me missing them.

And I try to block everything out. I sing louder than I should to try to mute his voice. I shut my eyes tight to not see his face. And I drink beer like I never have since the night that Austin picked me up for the first time at that club to make me feel numb.

But as the show comes to an end, and I see his band mates leaving, only leaving him on a stool with an acoustic guitar, it only makes me wonder what his final number will be.

He's strumming random notes as he says, "Well I have a surprise for you all this night. I'm not sure if you've heard 'Let Her Go' by the Passengers but I couldn't get it out of my head and decided to make my own cover of it."

His eyes are shining brightly as he speaks. His smile even looks a little bit childlike. And right now, he looks completely free and happy.

Taking a deep breath, I'm getting ready to close my eyes and leave. GO anywhere but here. Because this reminds me of that one time when he wrote me a song. And he sang it in front of me on stage in our neighborhood when he asked me out to a date.

I've heard this song before. The nice easy tune that is being played by Austin makes me relax. It's different from all the songs he's been singing tonight. And just when I thought that I couldn't be more awestruck by him, he does it again as he begins to sing. Making my eyes open before I can realize what happened.

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

His voice is raspy and raw. It's as if he was just singing to you. It reminds me of those nights when he used to sing me to sleep. And there's something different about this song. He looks across the crowd and his voice sounds sincere as he puts emotion behind it. And then he finds me.

He locks our eyes and I'm trying to read him. But I can't. I can't tell if his happy, mad, regretful, or what not. I just see his eyes shining brightly and fiercely as he sings the next words in the tune of the chorus.

Well I remember when it used to be,

No one else in the world but you and me.

When we used to stay up all night long

Whispering words for just us to know.

And every time that I close my eyes,

I go back to that summer night.

When I told you the words of I love you.

And my heart skipped a beat when you said I do too.

It takes me a while to realize that he's changed the words. But when I do, and most importantly realize what he's singing, my heart starts beating faster. I start to have trouble breathing and nothing seems to make sense anymore.

And I keep thinking that I should look away from him, away from his eyes, but I can't. Because deep down, I want to hear him say he loves me too. I want to wake up to the sound of his voice again.

And you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

And as much as Austin voice brings me comfort, it also reminds me how he let me leave. How I wasn't worth the fight. We weren't worth the fight. Because if we were he would have stayed instead of leaving. And I'm at my breaking point when I turn away from him. It takes all my strength to tear myself away from his gaze to only be brought back to his voice a second later.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

I'm the only person in the crowd who isn't singing, dancing, or doing anything. I just stand and watch him. I just memorize the way that he is singing me this song. And I give him a smile. But this smile isn't happy. It's not sad or mad. It just shows the secrets of two lovers who had everything but lost it all.

There's not a day that goes by

That I don't wish that you were mine.

Cause staring at the ceiling in the dark
I get this same old empty feeling in my heart

And I see you when I fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause I loved you too much
And was foolish to let you leave.

And for the first time since I have met Austin, he apologizes for the way we ended. This is the way we are ending. To the words of a love song that will never be. And for the first time since I've been here, I admit to myself that I'm not okay with that.

'Cause I only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only knew I loved you when I let you go

Only know I've been high when I'm feeling low
Only hate the road when I'm missin' home
Only knew I loved you when I let you go.

And even though we're tapped in a room of people, I can imagine him singing to me at night. I can see him singing to me as if everything was alright. And as I hear the last strum and note being played and sung, I find myself wishing that it wasn't over.

But the moment that people start clapping, the second I hear Halley yelling, "I LOVE YOU BABY!" I'm brought back to reality.

And before I can even talk to him, before he can find me, I run. I do what I have done since I met him. I run as fast as I can.

Austin POV

I knew that I shouldn't have sung that song. And as I see Ally making a run for it, I start running too.

I leave the crowd screaming as I make my way to the back door. I don't even notice how Halley's confused or the fact that Alice is glaring at me. All I know is that I need to find Ally and calm her down. I need to fix this before I lose her as my friend too.

When I push the door open and step outside, the cool breeze touches my burning skin. My thoughts are everywhere as I make my feet move as fast as they possibly can to the front of the club. And just when I think I'm taking the last breath to fill my lungs, I crash into someone.

Automatically I grab the person and pull them close to me. I can feel them grab onto me tight and we try to stand as still as possible as we try to gain our balance. It's only when I open my eyes that I find Ally staring at me with confusion in her eyes.

She's breathing hard, and I can see the panic that is going in her mind from her eyes. And I'm ready for her to break free from me but she never does. She holds onto me even tighter as she softly whispers, "Why?"

And I open my mouth to say something when I realize that I don't know why I sang that song. I have no damn clue besides the main reason that got us into this sticky mess. The reason being that I just can't let her go.

My heart is beating in my ears; my stomach is doing the flip flops. But I ignore it as I pull a strand from Ally's face, and am over thrilled when she doesn't move back. And then without a second thought, without any hesitation, I whisper for just us to know, "I still love you…"

My voice sounds breathless, almost as if I have had ran to get to her, to get to say those words to her. And I don't miss the way that her cheeks blush. I love the fact that I can still get this reaction out of her.

I can see her ready to leave, to get out of my grasp. Her mouth keeps opening and closing as she fights with herself with what words to say. Taking short, jagged breaths, she says, "Austin… I… I… I lo-"

"Ally!"

Halley's yell makes Ally realize what we are doing. And being brought back to reality she freezes but moves too quickly away from me. And next thing I know, Halley is coming up to us and is saying, "Guess what! I think you've been doing such an amazing job that I decided to plan a surprise for you."

Ally and I stare at her as we wait for her to tell us what the great surprise is when out of nowhere someone is covering Ally's eyes and is saying, "Guess who?"

But all I know right now is that I must be the most unluckiest person in the world.