Ch. 21: Little Notes

As I walk back to my hotel room, all I can think about is how am I going to continue on pretending that I don't feel anything for Ally. With each step that I take I know that I've tried with all my heart to forget about her as she asked me too. I've tried to see her more as a friend than a lover… but I can't. Because after each subtle touch, after every word that was whispered, the secrets that were shared with one glance, the warm smiles of feeling safe, and the laughter of the foolish things done… How can I act like it never happened? How can someone possibly pretend that the conversations never excited; that those long nights didn't happen? How can she forget about everything so easily when it's still burning in the back of my mind?

My hands keep running through my hair in frustration as I rush into the room to get the car keys. All I know is that I am not going to stay here tonight to see the engagement party move from the beach to the hotel. Tonight was the last day douche bag was going to stay before going back home for some business meeting. Could he not have waited a bit longer to ask the big question?

When I finally find the car keys the room is a mess. Everything is thrown everywhere but I don't really care. I just grab myself a bottle of water and my wallet before heading out. On the door I leave a small sticky note with words of comfort for Halley to not get worried. Then I find myself driving to who knows where.

When I get in the car I just push on the gas pedal blindly. I'm not sure where I am as I turn on random streets, letting my body choose where to go. The images of Zayn proposing and Ally accepting are stuck on reply as I try to blur them out. And then I find myself parked outside a bookstore with my hands stuck on my steering wheel. I'm breathing harshly as everything that I've been through for the past year comes rushing back.

And then I'm wondering if Ally felt like this when I went to LA. Did she felt restlessness as she saw me moving on? Did she feel so small that it felt like she was going to disappear at any second? Because that's how I feel right now. This is the only way I've been feeling since I saw her at the party for the first time in a year.

Getting angry all over again I hit the horn of my car and get startled when an old lady comes out of the bookstore to tell me to stop. Letting out a sigh of annoyance I know the answer to my questions of Ally. She felt everything that I feel right now. The only reason I know this is because she wrote me a song.

It was the first song she wrote for an artist named Skylar. And maybe it could have been about one of her past lovers. But I knew the song was meant for me when I heard a demo of her singing it to the record label. Plus, the lyrics match our story too much to be a coincidence.

As I take sips from my water bottle all I know is that I know the words of that song all too well. Even after not hearing it for months, I can hear her voice singing it in my head right now. The sweet words of, "Oh I remember those dark long nights. The hush whisper of we'll be alright. The way that your eyes shone I could've sworn we'd be together… but where did we go?"

It's not too long when I hear my phone ring from phone calls from Halley, then Ally, and then the girls. But I just turn it off as I go back to my pity party wondering what the heck do I do now? How do I go back to being the heartless guy I used to be when all I really want to do is just love Ally?

I let my head rest on my steering wheel as I curse the day I meet her. Because if I hadn't, then right now I might have still been getting married. But I wouldn't be wishing to go back to another time with a different girl. I wouldn't be cursing her name in the middle of the night. I simply would still be the same Austin Moon who didn't believe in love. But then again… she has always been the only exception to my every single rule.

Tugging my hair in frustration I raise my head in time to see a young girl walking out of the bookstore while scribbling madly fast in a journal. And as I stare at her I remember the journal that Ally and I shared at the end of our relationship and the handwriting of my last words being if she still loved me.

As I think more and more about those days I realize that we left so many words unsaid. And before I know it, I go inside the book store and pick out a leather journal that has a simple rose on the bottom right hand corner. Once paid, I get back into the car and put it on the passenger seat as I try to get directions back to the hotel.

It takes a while to get there but once I do, I feel myself growing smaller again. The only thought that eases my mind a bit is the fact that Zayn's car is no longer found in the parking lot. Then without wasting time, I get a pen and start writing in the journal.

First thing I note is the date. And then I am writing the words of, You know what I just realized… in the entire time that we went our separate ways… I never wrote you that letter that I had planned out to send you. I guess I was just too scared that if I did I would have told you that I still love you. But after the events that took place tonight, I realize that I've been a lousy friend. Because tonight I noticed that one of my best friends is getting married to a person I didn't even know she was dating. And this makes me feel horrible for the lack of my communication skills. So I'm hoping she'll forgive me for being so cold and let me take her out tomorrow night for dinner. And if somehow she does find a spot in her heart to give me a second chance, she should meet me at the beach at 5 in the afternoon. I can only pray for a miracle for tomorrow's night.

With a goodnight kiss,

Your first love.

As I reread the words I wrote I really hope she meets me tomorrow. Tiredly I get out of my car and make my way outside her door. As soon as I'm standing outside of it I can hear the hush volume of the TV. Then taking a deep breath I look at the journal in my hands again. Maybe this little note is selfish of me, but for the first time I'm going to be selfish for Ally and me. And without thinking anything else, I set the journal on the ground on knock on her door before making a run for it. With each step this time, I suddenly feel a rise of hope as I think that maybe it's not too late for us.