CH. 22: Distance

And I will make sure to keep my distance. Say I love you when you're not listening. And how long can we keep this up? –Christina Perri

I can't help but pace back and forth as I try to keep my mind busy. I count the times the waves have hit the shore, the times I have seen a seagull steal food, and even count the seconds it takes for me to bury my hands in the sand as I try to ignore the fact that Ally might not show up.

Taking another painful glance at my watch I see the clock read, 5:15. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I let myself drop onto the ground before pulling my hair. I should have known she wouldn't have shown up. After all she just got engaged. She's in love with Zayn. Why would she want to spend time with me when all I do is tell her I love you at the wrong time and leave her hanging when she repeats those words back?

Taking a deep breath I slowly let the reality of our situation sink in my bones when I hear her. Her voice is soft and cautious as she repeats my name in her lips again. Lifting my head I see her standing a few feet away from me. She's dressed casually with a shirt and some jeans, and slowly I take in her doe eyes as we just stare at one another.

Feeling nervous all of a sudden, I stand up as quickly as I can but when I open my mouth to greet her my voice betrays me as no sound comes out. This makes her smile and for a second any worries disappear from my mind. Chuckling a bit with her I finally say, "So there's a rumor I heard that the local diner sells the best hamburgers in the world. Wanna go check it out if it's true?"

I stuff my hands in my pockets as Ally bites her lips, debating with herself whether she should come with me or not. Staring at her hands she says, "Well that does sound tempting. And if the rumor is true then we would have found the best discovery on the Earth for humanity." When she finally does look up with a smile on her face she adds on, "So if you were planning on taking me to the diner why the heck did you make me walk all the way to the beach instead of, I don't know, the parking lot?"

Walking side by side with her, I casually place my arm around her shoulders as I say, "Well where is the fun in that?"

While rolling her eyes she gives me a slight push as I laugh at her reaction.

The drive to the diner is uneventful. We just let the radio do the talking for us as one of us occasionally sing along. But one thing I do notice is the fact that Ally isn't wearing her engagement ring and something about mine seems to weigh too much to wear any longer.

When we do reach our destination I see the neon sign that proudly states that we have reached, Lucero Diner. Opening the door for both of us to entire I realized that I had everything well planned out except the timing. The place is buzzing with noise as waitresses rush from table and table to the kitchen. Once getting seated we both laugh a bit at the situation we are caught in when Ally says, "Don't worry Austin. It's a bit loud but we've had worse experiences with restaurants before."

I am opening my mouth to give her my opinion when I am cut off by a baby crying in the table next to ours. Giving her an embarrassed smile she only shrugs her shoulders as she turns her attention to the menu. We both keep making small talk that somehow revolves around the restaurant until we receive our drinks and somehow I can't help myself but ask the burning question that has been eating me alive.

"SO… That was quite a way you got proposed for your engagement."

She sort of chokes on her drink as her eyes automatically drop on the empty finger were her engagement ring should be on. Letting out a soft chuckle she says, "Yea I wasn't really prepared for that. In fact I still can't believe it. Just trying to digest the information that in a matter of time I will be walking the aisle."

I just nod my head to the new information I have received when out of nowhere I say, "So what have you been up to since the last time I saw you?"

Acting like she didn't know what I was talking about she starts going on about how Patricia was trying to get her to go with her to the endless buffet when I interrupt her with, "Ally. You know that I mean before you found out that I was getting married."

Letting out a sigh she says, "I know. I just wanted to hear you say it."

With a small smile she slowly starts talking about everything that she has accomplished. Apparently after a lot of convincing from Trish she had finally decided to take a job as a songwriter with the studio that I first had my recording contract here in Miami. After gaining a few extra cash she somehow managed to convince her dad to open a record studio in some of their music stores while she got the freedom of working with artists who wanted someone to write their songs.

Throughout the journey apparently Zayn was there every step of the way to help her plan exactly where the studios would be, the pricing that they would pay, and the encouragement she needed when all she wanted to do was give up.

And then it got a bit awkward as she started talking about the friendship her and Zayn made because of it. Though she quickly summed the whole thing up when she said, "We both realized that we had always felt feelings for one another and decided to take a leap of faith and hope for the best."

Nodding my head to her words all I can think is that he took Ally right under my nose. When. I was with Ally, Zayn always made sure to be within her reach. When I broke up with her I left him the door wide open to pick up the pieces and go take her from me. The only part that made me feel good was the fact that Ally got to accomplish her dreams of being a songwriter.

Not knowing exactly what to say I manage, "Uh… Congrats on your relationship," although my voice lets her know that I don't really mean it.

Taking another sip of my coke, I get startled when in a soft voice she asks, "How did you fall in love with her?"

When I look up to meet her eyes I see her avoiding my stare as she plays with her straw. Letting out a silent sigh I start telling her how I met Halley. I didn't meet her at a fancy place or got set up. We just simply met at a grocery store by chance when she dropped her bags by accident. Seeing her struggle for her food I helped her out. And then we bumped into each other again and again at the store until one day I simply asked her if she wanted to go get a coffee.

I chuckle a bit at the memory but suddenly stop when I see Ally fidgeting with her hands. Clearing my throat I continue to say, "To be honest I didn't think I would end up with her just because she seems like the kind of person that I would only like as a friend."

Before I can continue Ally interrupts me with, "So then why did you go out with her?"

Scratching the back of my neck, I look straight into her eyes and say, "She reminded me of you."

We stay silent and before she has a chance to question my response I simply continue talking as if she was Dez. "To be honest I only asked her out for the cup of coffee just because her name reminded me of yours. Halley, Ally. Only two letters make the difference. And then once I started talking to her I started realizing the smaller things that reminded me of you. Like the fact that you both have brown wavy hair and fair skin. Or that you're both so short that you have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss me when you're not wearing heels. And when she laughed at my jokes and pranks it reminded me how carefree she could be as you were. And to top it off, she had the big golden heart that you have, every word she tells me is sincere and pure like our past relationship was. But then…"

Taking a deep breath I start telling her how the more she reminded me of Ally the more I realized that Halley was her own person. Like how she wouldn't get so worked up about the fact we would have to reschedule our dates. How she likes to go out to fancy restaurants and have extravagant gifts. And how she's d be disorganized just as bad as I am. She'd play pranks back at me and is just as childish as I am. How she would run with me at five in the morning before she left to work and me to the studio.

And just as our waiter comes with our plates of food I finish my tale with, "And then one day I realized if I can't have the best women on Earth I might as well have the second one."

Ally looks like she wants to say something but holds back as she rather chooses to stuff her mouth with food. After a few seconds she says, "I used to do that too. Compare Zayn to you, wondering why he couldn't let loose just a bit more, or say sweeter things that would erase the ones you once said. And then, little by little he started taking a piece of my heart with him until I eventually fell in love with him. The same way you love Halley."

Swallowing a quick bit I then say, "Did you ever love him more than you loved me?"

I don't look at her as she says her answer. Fear eating me up of hearing the wrong words. Yet when I hear her say, "No. He made me fall in love but he never could make me love him. No matter how long it's been or how many sweet things he does, you always seem to pop back into my mind when I least expect it."

Still looking at my half eaten hamburger I say, "Did you know that Halley was the one who proposed in our marriage. I didn't have the guts to tell her no, so instead said yes without really thinking of the consequences. And that entire day I spent it looking at the engagement ring I was going to give to you if we had only lasted a bit longer. Wondering if I had made the right decision of breaking it off before coming to LA."

We both stay silent after my confession and softly she says, "Austin don't do this. We were having a nice conversation. Don't bring up the "what could have been" when we both know what our future brings."

Slowly a tear falls from her eyes as she continues to say, "You know I lied to you when you asked me to leave with you. When I told you I didn't loved you it was because of the exact opposite. I loved you too much that I knew if I opened my heart to you again, and you broke it, I would have died from the pain of you leaving."

By now she's softly crying as I try to wipe them away with my fingers. I am trying to comfort her. And then before I know it I'm crashing my lips to her and it's the most bittersweet kiss I have ever had as I taste her tears. When we pull apart we just stay silent as we eat the rest of our food. But I memorize the feeling of her hand as I hold it for the rest of the night and the way back to the hotel.

That's the thing about Ally and me. We don't have to talk to feel comfort. Just being near each other makes us feel better. And when we reach the hotel we are staying at Ally gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek and says to me, "You know what hurt the most when you said goodbye? It was the fact that I didn't just lose the love of my life, I lost my best friend. Please don't distance yourself from me when you go back to LA after your marriage."

I nod my head in agreement before promising her that won't. Giving my hand a slight squeeze she tells me goodnight and I stay in the car thinking about everything that we've said. And I know that at this moment that she still loves and I love her. Yet I understand as much as her that the timing isn't right. If it had been sooner then maybe things would have been different but having her as a friend is better than nothing. And so I'll wait for my heart to slowly stop beating as I see her in the arms of another man.