I'm on a roll with this story- so here's the next chapter. Also- I'd love some reviews on the previous one- I wasn't sure how well I did, and I do want to know what you all thought, if possible? Anyway- trigger warning- self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and depression.
That night, we sleep close to each other. Rydel curls into my chest, and I know that Rocky and Ratliff are cuddled together. Austin is sleeping on the other bed in Rocky and Ratliff's room- he hasn't said much to us all night, and truthfully, it's starting to worry me. I don't know if he's judging us, or just taking time to process this.
"Rik?" Rydel's voice is barely audible, and the only reason I know she's there is because she has her head buried in my chest.
"Yeah?" I reply, my eyes drifting shut.
"You gonna be okay? Don't think I didn't hear the last thing you said to Austin today."
"Yeah…m'okay. I'll deal. Don't worry 'bout me."
"You can't lie to me, idiot," Rydel sighs. "Tell me- are you having those thoughts again? And be honest- please."
"Fine," I sigh. "I want to fucking die, and nothing's getting better. And I don't know what to do, Ry. I wanna help Austin, but I'm still hurting so much, and I need…I need help."
"I'm here. I've got you," Rydel whispers. "You need to talk to me more. I'm your sister, you fucking idiot; it's what I'm here for. I love you, and I can't lose you, so you need to talk to me. You're in agony, Riker. I can see it- you need the blade, but you can't have it. You're stronger than it, aren't you?"
I let out a low whine, pushing my face farther into her neck.
"Riker," Rydel mutters. "You are stronger than the fucking blade- am I right?"
"Yeah," I say, disgruntled. "But I fucking want it."
Rydel sighs. "We'll talk tomorrow. For now, go to sleep, alright? And actually sleep."
"M'exhausted. 'Course I'll sleep. Don't move, okay? Don't leave me…"
"I won't, you idiot. I love you." She leans up to kiss my head, and then hides her face in my Beatles t-shirt. I can feel her warm breaths against my skin, and the gentle sound of her breath is what lulls me into a restless sleep.
"You alright?"
Ratliff tightens his arms around me, as another heaving sob shakes my frame. "I don't know."
"It's okay," Ratliff mutters. "It's okay not to know. You just need to let me know if you're relapsing, promise? You're not okay- even if you have stopped cutting."
"It hurts…just…like, I keep dreaming about the accident, and I don't know…my mind's fucked. I'm so unstable and I feel shitty about it- I'm your guys' guardian, and I don't even think I'm mentally healthy enough."
"Rocky, you act like you should be over everything by now. Sure, it's been three years, but you're still hurting. You jumped off a fucking roof. I'm so fucking glad we didn't lose you."
"It hurt like hell," I chuckle humorlessly, curling against him, and burying my face in his shirt. I'm trying to be quiet- Austin's sleeping in the bed next to us- we don't want to disturb him. Just because we like to have conversations at midnight, doesn't mean he's one for them.
"I can imagine," Ratliff replies.
"Hey, by the way, you took your meds, right?" I hate to bring it up- he hates talking about it- but I need to make sure he takes them every morning and night.
"Yeah," he mutters dejectedly, letting his head fall into the crook of my neck. "Hate that I need fucking meds to act like a normal person."
"Shhh, it's fine," I reply. It's my turn to be the big brother. "You're amazing, Ratliff. It doesn't matter that you're on medication."
"Matters to me," Ratliff sighs. "I hate schizophrenia. And being bipolar. And fucking living."
"Join the club on that one, bro."
I still can't believe what I've heard. They've been through so fucking much- compared to me. My life has been a piece of fucking cake, compared to the utter hell they've gone through. And yet, they all look fine on the outside. I wouldn't have suspected it- had Riker not rolled up his sleeves. They're so good at hiding it.
They all looked fucking destroyed…after talking, cuddled up to each other. The action warmed my heart- it was adorable to see how close they are. They are so damn selfless, and I'm just a big pile of fat. Worthless, useless, damaged fat. I'm a mess and I hate myself so much.
I just want Ally to consider me a friend, at least. If not a boyfriend, at least a friend. I can't live without that. Rocky, Rydel, Riker, and Ratliff all have each other, and I just have my blade and my tears and my pain.
I don't want to fucking do this anymore. Rocky said suicide is painful- and sure, it is, but it's worth it- at least in my case. Pain is all I deserve. Silent sobs tear through my throat, as I bury my face in Ratliff's pillow. I can hear voices from the other bed, and I know they're talking- but I'm in no mood to join any type of conversation. All I want to do is die.
"Morning, Austin," Rydel says, as he walks into the kitchen. Riker and Ratliff are playing some video game, while I attempt to help her with breakfast. I'm no cook- Rydel excels in that department. "Rocky, I got it. Maybe go see what's up with him?" She motions to Austin, who's slumped on the couch, lost in thought.
"Yeah." I walk over to Austin, and drop down next to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "Hey, how are you holding up? I know yesterday was a lot…"
He sighs and shakes his head. "It's not you guys. I just feel worthless because you have dealt with so fucking much more than I have- and you guys hide it so well. I never would've known…and then there's me- and at first glance you can tell that there's something wrong. I'm horrid at this."
My eyes widen. The poor kid is so broken…and it hurts to know that life has done this to him. I've been in his place before, and it's definitely not fucking fun. "Austin, you have the right to hurt. You're in pain, and if we can see it, so what? Your friends damaged you, and your parents are fucking dickheads- ours were like that as well. Tell me- would you have killed yourself, if Riker hadn't found you in the park that day?"
Austin swallows hard, his face paling considerably. His eyes are glazed over, and he stares at me. "Yes."
So, this was just to tie up loose ends from last chapter. Next chapter- Austin and Ratliff go back to school, and encounter Trish and Ally...how does that end? If you want the next chapter today, I'd like at least three reviews. I'm not one to put a limit on things, but I really need to know what you guys thought- I have the rest of this story planned out, but it can't work, if the last chapter is deduced as a fail. Thanks again.
-Neha