Ch. 24: Demons

For some reason as the date for Austin's wedding gets closer the more tense and agonized I become. Lately I haven't been sleeping well, and it's hard to believe that with all the lack of sleep I've had, I still find myself wide awake at one o'clock in the morning. I've spent the last few minutes staring at my clock, seeing how the time ticks away. I've given up on the thought of getting any beauty sleep.

In one month all of this will be over and then a month after that I will be walking down the aisle. I just have to survive this. I can do this. If I survived taking five AP courses in my senior year and survived the honor program at Stanford, this should be a piece of cake. This shouldn't even cause a sweat. But I know it isn't true; because my beating heart tells me otherwise. It tells me my fears. It shows me how the strong façade I play is only an illusion of my imagination. It lets me know that although I've allowed my brain to fool my heart with lies, I know the unbreakable truth… I still love Austin.

And I guess that's what bothers me the most. The fact that I will have to stand there for an entire hour and hear them say their vows, hear the priest pronounce them as husband and wife, and then see them kiss their first kiss as a couple. It's going to break my heart all over again. It's like Austin is dumping me at the restaurant all over again except a billion times worse. I can't go through that again but I only have myself to blame. Why the heck did I say yes to Halley? Why can't I put my needs before others? Why am I just so damn stubborn?

Letting out a groan in frustration, I bury my head in my pillow. Maybe I should just go back to concentrating on going back to sleep. I seem to be better at that than thinking about what is to come. With that last thought I close my eyes and empty my mind. Everything will work out fine. I have Zayn. I have my life planned out. Nothing can go wrong with plans right?

The next morning I wake up to my phone ringing. Letting out an annoyed sigh, I turn on my phone to see a text from Zayn, reminding me for the hundredth time that I should start moving some of my stuff over to his. When I turn my head to read the clock, I realize that it's 8 in the morning. I really want to send an angry text message to Zayn, asking him if he could have woken me up any earlier but instead I write, "Ok. See you later with boxes."

Getting comfortable all over again, I close my eyes to go back to sleep. I am only barely drifting off to dreamland when another ring for my text messages wakes me up. My eyes are wide open and before I can stop myself, I scream into my pillow. What the heck could Zayn have to tell me that is absolutely important!? By now he should know that I like sleeping in on the weekends. I hate waking up earlier than 9 unless if it is necessary. Taking a deep breath I click on the text message notification once again and read, "Don't forget, we are eating breakfast this morning with Austin and Halley at my parents' house. I'll pick you up at 9:30. XOXO"

Running my hand through my hair, I let out a silent groan. So that's the important thing he had to text me about. I would have appreciated if he did not remind me of it. Laying in my bed for a few minutes, I manage to reluctantly get out of bed and get ready for the wonderful breakfast I am about to have. Could this day have started worse? Answer is no. I keep bickering in my head with grumpy dialogue with myself as I prepare my shower.

When I step out of my shower I take my sweet time to dry my hair. When I finally step into my room I realize that I only have thirty minutes to get ready. I rush as I throw on the first summer dress I found in my closet, and try to get my makeup done. Except when I see myself in the mirror I realize that my hair is all over the place and struggle with it to keep it down. I am only putting on my shoes when Zayn knocks on the door. Grabbing my purse, I open the door and close it right behind me. This makes Zayn raise an eyebrow but all I say is, "Trust me, you don't want to know." Because I am pretty sure that when I get home I am going to have a mess to clean up.

Forgetting about everything at the moment, Zayn takes my hand as he begins to talk about his plans for the day. Although the only thing that I can really concentrate on is that I must look like a mess right now. When I take a seat in his car, I finally take the time to inspect my appearance and it only makes me want to hide under a rock. I choose a dress that is pale blue and has roses all over it that seem to be on verge of dying from the colors it has. But the worst part is that it makes my already pale skin seem translucent against it. My makeup seems to be decent as I covered the right areas well but nothing about it really stands out. But my hair is the worst. The ten minutes I took to tame it was for nothing as I see a few strands sticking out in random places and get frizzy. Yup. Today isn't really my day.

The drive to his parents' house is quick. Before I know it he is opening the door for me and is helping me step out. We have small talk as Zayn leads me through the house to the back porch. It's a beautiful setting as the table is decorated in many different breakfast dishes. All the plates match the yellow tablecloth and even the chairs seem to have been chosen out to match.

Taking a seat I motion for Zayn to take the seat next to me. It's nice as we start to play an intense game of truth or dare. Most times I just choose truth and he chooses dare. But it works out nicely as he asks me the most embarrassing stuff I have ever done and I make him do the most embarrassing stuff I can think of. We are currently laughing at the epic fail of me not being able to kick a ball in soccer in the championship game I had in middle school when they walk in. And somehow the next few moments of my life seems to become a movie.

Austin looks gorgeous as ever for some odd reason. He looks good in the loose fitted V-neck and beanie. It's super casual, and compared to Zayn, he looks like he's going to some college party. Halley on the other hand is drop dead gorgeous. Her hair is done in a beautiful ballerina bun while a few loose fitting curls adorn her face nicely. Her makeup looks professionally done as her blue eyes pop out. Her outfit is flawless as she pulls off a nice lace top tucked into a knee length skirt. And I maybe imagining it, but I think the sun and wind were only complementing her even more.

Blinking for a couple of a seconds, I try to not acknowledge the fact that I look like a train wreck right at this moment. I keep smoothing out my dress and Zayn is saying hi as I try my best to compose myself. The only thought I can think is why the heck I didn't make up an excuse to not come to breakfast this morning. Putting on the best smile I can, I say my hellos and get up to give Halley a hug. When we get seated back down Austin's voice catches my attention as he says, "Did we miss something? You all were laughing like you'd just heard the funniest thing ever."

The only thing I can focus on though is the fact that he is taking his sunglasses off and the moment they're gone, I am met with his big brown eyes. And all of a sudden my mouth goes on autopilot as I say in a rushed voice, "Nope. You missed nothing. Nothing funny going on here. Nothing at all. Just me and Zayn and a big bunch of nothingness!"

All of them look at me weird as I let out a nervous chuckle. Taking a sip of my water I try my best to calm myself down before my cheeks turn red. Ignoring my comment Zayn just continues to talk for me as he says that I told him a funny joke. Austin just replies with a crisp, "Oh." And then Halley starts talking and somehow I can't help but thank my lucky star. Once we all get our food, conversation goes smoothly as we all talk about Austin and Halley's wedding. It's not until halfway through that Halley starts asking questions about my wedding plans that I find myself talking. Somehow I manage to say the right things at the right times and I even sound excited.

At some point Zayn and Halley leave to do something and it's just Austin and me. I keep playing with a strand of my hair as I wonder what the heck I am doing with my life. We stay silent for a few seconds until he begins to talk, "So I see you're wearing the dress Aunt Paula gave to you."

I don't need to look up to know he's trying to hold his laugh. His voice gives him away. Taking a deep breath I try to bit my tongue as I say, "Well I thought it's a beautiful dress that the world deserves to see. And thought why not wear to the breakfast today." This is all it takes for Austin to burst out laughing. At first I try to get him to stop but soon I find myself laughing with him. When we finally calm down he says, "Liar. That's not true! If I remember well, as soon as Aunt Paula left, you said, 'Is she color blind? This dress is absolutely horrible. No one in their right mind would wear it. '"

Rolling my eyes I say, "Well times change and people change. I can like the dress can't I?" Austin raises and eyebrow which makes hesitate as I say, "I mean it doesn't look too bad, does it?" I am inspecting myself all over again as Austin says in a sarcastic tone, "Oh yes Ally. I can finally see why you've stayed far away from the horrendous dress. It totally doesn't match your eye color. What were you thinking?" To add on to his comment he even does a dramatic sigh as he places a hand over his forehead and he finishes with, "Didn't you try to burn it on the stove to get rid of it?" Glaring at him I say, "Ha, ha, very funny. But no, seriously, does it look bad?"

I am back to smoothing out my dress once again as he says genuinely, "To be honest I am wondering why you never wore it to one of our dates. It looks beautiful on you. I'm pretty sure you've even made my fiancée jealous. You know if Zayn wasn't here, I would have told you when I first saw you that you took my breath away."

When I look up to see him, I am greeted by his boyish smile. And seeing him smile, I can't help but smile. We are lost in our own world but when we hear Zayn and Halley approaching we go back to playing our roles. And a few minutes later I am saying goodbye as Zayn and I leave. The whole ride back home is much quieter than the way up. The only thing I can think about is if that is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I just realized that I will always have Austin in my life and I will never be able to bury this in the past. I will be reminded every Christmas and Thanksgiving. I will see them together every single time we have a family gathering. There is no going back.

When Zayn drops me at my house, he wants to stop by and help me pack some stuff but I tell him that I have yet to organize my stuff and may or may have not lied about Trish coming over to help. As soon as he goes and I get into my house, I feel empty all over. Just like the night when I first got my own apartment once again after I moved out of Austin's place. Ignoring everything my head is telling I decided to be numb as I started seeing which things would be easier to pack and move.

I am working really hard as I have a few boxes surrounding me. I am only reaching for a couple of books I have hidden in the closet to pack when I accidently push a box off the shelf and have its contents fall all over the floor. Letting out an annoyed groan I turn around to see the mess I have created when I get confused. All over the floor are different things I held onto after Austin and I broke up. Slowly picking the things from the ground I am reliving everything. I have the teddy bear from the carnival we went to, a plastic rose, all the sticky notes from that one date. I try my best to place everything in the box without thinking but when I get to our journal I can't help but read the last note I placed. The song I wrote after I told Austin I didn't love him anymore. And just like that nothing really seems to make sense anymore. Going to my nightstand I take out the journal he bought and gave to me at Buena Vista. I reread his note and somehow I find myself writing in response, I was stupid to let you go. But I'm not going to be stupid enough to see you get married to another woman.

And before I thought things through or even thought at all, I grab my phone and dial a number. And after saying hello and doing small talk, I finally say, "I have to tell you something. I'm sorry but I don't think I can be the maid of honor for you wedding Halley."