Well, you didn't get me 30 reviews, but I really like this chapter, so I wanted to post it. Trigger warning- suicidal thoughts, self-harm, depression, and a hint of panic disorder. Enjoy.
"Hey, you gotta get up, Austin. C'mon, you need to eat something…"
I groan, blinking heavily. My eyes finally adjust to the light, and Riker is kneeling down in front of me, with a plate of pasta in his hands. His expression is serious, and when I finally do awake, he smiles at me.
"Here, you need to eat dinner. You can go back to sleep afterward."
"Timesit?" I slur, grabbing for the plate.
"7:30," he replies. "After you eat, we were gonna watch Divergent. There's ice cream in the freezer, and Ratliff is attempting to pop popcorn."
"This is fucking amazing," I say, swallowing a mouthful of pasta. "Who made it?"
"The Cheesecake Factory." Riker smiles ruefully. "We ordered out."
My eyes widen. "That place is crazy expensive!"
"Relax, we only ordered like, three things. Their portion sizes are huge." Riker grins at me. "Finish eating, and then go change. We'll be waiting for you in the basement, okay?"
"Did any of you actually read this book?"
Ratliff grins, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, and leaning further into Rocky's chest. Riker also has an arm draped around me, and Rydel is curled into his chest, as we watch the beginning scenes of Divergent.
"I did," Rocky chuckles. "The series was actually pretty fucking good. Not that you read anything, anyway."
"It's a talent," Ratliff says proudly.
"Hate to turn this all serious, but…" Rydel begins. "Riker has something to tell us."
Riker glares at her, and she whispers something in his ear. He sighs and nods, glancing at all of us.
"Wait, hang on, do you want me to leave? 'Cause I can wait upstairs or-"
"Austin, stop. You're part of our family now, and you deserve to hear this, just as much as the rest of them do," Riker mutters. "The thing is…I've been really, really, suicidal in the past week…and this morning…I picked up the blade, held it to my skin, and then I stopped…and remembered my promise…and put it down…" He swallows hard. "I'm so sorry, please…don't send me to therapy…"
Rocky squirms out from Ratliff's body, leaving him to flop back on the couch, bringing me with him. He stands right in front of Riker, and pulls his brother to his feet. Riker's nervousness is obvious- he thinks Rocky's going to yell at him, but it's actually the exact opposite. Rocky collects the tall blond into his arms, hugging him tightly, and kissing his head.
"I'm so glad you didn't," he murmurs. "You're so strong. I'm so proud of you."
"But I almost broke it…" Riker whimpers.
"But you didn't. You held the fucking blade to your wrist, but you were still strong enough to put it down and walk away. That, my brother, is progress. You'll have slip-ups occasionally- no one's perfect. But the fact that you stopped means so much to me."
"I love you, Rocky…"
"I love you too."
"Do you wanna go today, or you wanna ditch?"
Ratliff glances at me sleepily, and I shake my head to clear it, exhaustion overcoming me. It's after midnight, and we're the only two awake.
Rocky fell asleep half an hour ago- and Rydel is practically buried in Riker's chest- they passed out an hour ago. Ratliff has his head on his oldest brother's chest- and I've got mine on Riker's shoulder.
"Ditch…" I mutter. "Don't feel like going."
"Alright, that's what I was thinking. And- sorry to spring this on you now, but you might have to meet Ally tomorrow. She apologized- and she wants to meet with you to talk. She texted while you were asleep, and I answered. However- one of us is gonna be with you at all times, otherwise you can shut the hell up and ignore her."
The panic that has flared in me when he started talking dissipates, and I nod tiredly. "Tha' works."
"Okay, g'night Austin. We're sleeping in tomorrow, so don't worry about when you get up."
"Night, Ratliff."
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous for the meeting with Ally. I don't…I can't get hurt again. I'm already in too much pain, and if she says something…I'll definitely panic.
I asked them all to come with me, but Rocky's coming in with me. The others are gonna peruse the store for band equipment- as in- stalk us without Ally and Trish having any idea about it.
"You're fine," Ratliff murmurs. "If it gets to be too much, let Rocky know, and he'll get you outta there."
Rydel pulls into a parking spot at Sonic Boom, and turns off the car. We all get out, and she grabs Riker's hand. "We need to get you a new guitar."
Riker pales dramatically at that. "My guitar is my baby! I'm not replacing it! That's like replacing one of your children!"
"Oh, cut the melodrama. That thing's well worn out. You need a new one." Rydel glances at us. "I'm gonna be arguing with an idiot for the next hour…"
"I'm not an idiot! I don't make you replace your piano!"
"Pianos don't need to be replaced as often as guitars, moron."
Their bickering makes me smile, and I'm glad. I need that…it's been forever since I was really happy- I kinda miss it.
We walk in together, and I immediately catch the look on Ally's face. Intimidated is an understatement- she looks pretty freaked out. I sigh, turning back to them. "Thanks, guys. For this."
"It's not a problem, Aus," Riker replies. "You need us, and we're here for you. But can you tell Ry- ow! Okay, I'm coming, don't drag me!" Rydel pulls him into the guitar section of Sonic Boom. The look on his face screams 'help', but all I do is laugh, and turn to Ratliff.
"I'm gonna go lose myself in drums. See you soon." He hugs me briefly, and I smile when we pull back.
"Alright, Austin. It's now or never. And I'll be next to you the entire time," Rocky says gently.
"Okay, Ally. You wanted to talk- here I am. What is it?"
I stand in front of her- trying not to appear as nervous as I feel. Trish is standing across from her, in front of the counter, and Dez is next to her.
"Let's go upstairs. Trish, watch the store. Dez, try not to break anything," Ally mutters. Trish nods, and Dez mumbles something under his breath. Ally sighs and leads me into her practice room.
We sit down, and I make sure to be as close to Rocky as possible. I know I shouldn't be this nervous- Ally was my best friend- but after all the things she, Trish, and Dez have said, I'm terrified.
"Alright, first. Who's he? And why'd you come in with four people? More importantly- who's the girl?"
"He is Rocky- the oldest. Riker and Rydel- the girl- are twins, and two years younger. Ratliff's two years younger than them. I came with all of them, because Riker needs a new guitar, and Ratliff wants to check out some drums."
Ally sighs. "Why didn't you tell me what we were doing to you? You didn't need to go find new friends…"
I tense, and Rocky grabs my hand, squeezing reassuringly. "I didn't find them- they found me. They care, Ally. They cared, when you guys didn't. Ratliff wasn't lying- if it weren't for Riker, I probably would've killed myself. I was pushed to my breaking point, and you saw me fall apart- but you still did nothing. These guys knew something was wrong, just by looking at me. Riker found me in a park- I was a complete stranger to him- but he was still able to tell that something was obviously wrong- and he has no fucking idea how grateful I am that he found me. They've proven that they care about me so much more than anyone else. I trust them."
"I know, but you still could've talked to me. I'm not saying Trish was right, but you could've given Dallas a chance…and you met these guys less than a week ago. I've known you for years."
I sigh. "I couldn't have, Ally. You always had something pissy to say, and I didn't want to break myself anymore. I didn't want him to hurt you- so sue me. I've known you for years, yes- that's why I was looking out for you. I'm not the dick you think I am."
"He was scared," Rocky murmurs. "Scared and broken. He felt worthless and useless and like a plain disappointment. That's why I'm here. He's been through so much, in the span of a couple days- anything you say can set him off. He's fragile, Ally. You guys don't have any fucking idea how badly words can hurt. Something tells me he's been broken for a long time- and you were all blind to the truth. He has panic attacks, breakdowns, the works. And I know how to calm him down."
"I'm not the person you think I am, Ally," I whisper hollowly. "That part of me has died. This is what I am now, and if you don't like it- fine, I'm better off without friends who don't support me. I've got these guys, and they're all I need."
Ally's eyes widen. "You'd really throw away our friendship like that? Does it really mean nothing to you? Do these guys really measure up to us?"
"As a matter of fact- they do. And from how I've been treated these past few weeks, our friendship obviously means shit to you. If you really were my best friend, you'd know when you were going too far. You'd understand my side of the story. Rocky, Riker, Rydel, and Ratliff understand me- in ways you simply can't."
"You won't let me, Austin! How am I supposed to understand you, if you won't let me in?!"
"I'm suicidal and depressed, Ally. I don't think you've ever been either. These guys have. They know how it feels to be unwanted and worthless. They know how it feels to want to die in the most painful way possible. Don't try to understand me, because you won't."
When we get into the car, the first thing I'm aware of- is Riker's hyperbolized pouting. He looks at us sadly, motioning to the guitar case. "Rydel's a bitch."
"Oh? Love you too," Rydel says sarcastically. "And that's a good guitar."
"I don't like it," Riker mumbles.
"Don't think you have a choice, bro," Ratliff sympathizes, clapping his shoulder. "How'd it go with Ally, Austin?"
"Okay…just…it was a lot…"
"She definitely pushed him," Rocky sighs. "I just…I don't know why she did, but she pushed all his buttons- she knows exactly how to get him to crack. C'mon Austin, into the car." He helps me in, and then scoots beside me, allowing my exhausted frame to lean into his chest.
"I feel like shit," I confess softly. "I'm sorry…"
"Don't apologize, Aus," Rocky murmurs. He presses a press to my forehead, and I sigh.
"We've got you, bro," Riker murmurs gently, grabbing Austin's hand and squeezing.
"What time is it?" I mumble.
"Noon," Rydel answers. "What're we doing for lunch?"
"Don't want to eat anything. M'not hungry," I mumble. I'm so tired, and my full body weight is basically on Rocky. I feel horrid- not just mentally, but physically.
"Guys? I think he's coming down with something. He's running a fever." I feel Rocky's hand on my forehead, and I groan, squeezing my eyes shut.
"Yeah, he's definitely got a fever…"
Thoughts? Yeah, there's a reason I invoked sickness on Austin- a reason that will be revealed in upcoming chapters. I hope you enjoyed this- it was prety long, after all. I'd love a few reviews- they're motivation. Next chapter- Austin gets even sicker, Ally has a conversation with Trish and Dez, and the legal battle for Austin...well, I can't tell you exactly what happens, but that's a good preview.
-Neha