Ch. 26: Half a Heart

It is here. The day has finally come for me to get married. As I stare at myself in the mirror it seems all too surreal. I get a good look at myself one last time before walking down the aisle. My dress is fitted from my chest to my waist as it hangs loose from there on. Crystals in small shapes of flower decorate the white dress as my hair in loose curls compliment it even more.

Everyone tells me that I look beautiful. But right now all I can concentrate on is the beating of my heart that is going at a thousand miles per hour. In a few moments, everything I have ever dreamed of will come true. It seems to good to be true. All I have to say is my vows and I do, and then I will get the fairy tale ending that I have been dreaming about all my life.

In a matter of minutes Trish comes by my dressing room and tells me that it's time to go. Giving her a smile I tell her to grab my things as I battle my way inside of the limo that is waiting for me outside of my house.

The drive there is short and I'm glad. I can't wait for Zayn to see me in my dress and take his breath away. The moment I step out my dad gives me a big hug and tells me that he's not crying, but that his allergies are acting up. Giving him a quick peck on the cheek, we enter the church and everybody is standing up as the pianist plays, "Here comes the bride. All dressed in white."

I get scared when I see everyone's eyes on me. I don't even think I can make it all the way down the aisle but then my eyes meet his, and just like that, everything falls into place.

Zayn looks handsome as I see him standing at the alter. I have never felt so right about something like I am now. I know that my place is right next to him. When I finally reach him, we both have matching smiles as we both look love struck.

The mass goes by fast. Although I can't help but notice how his green eyes slowly turn a mixture with a shade of brown and his black hair seems to be a bit lighter now but not much difference. And all too soon the priest is saying, "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

Everyone stays silent as the priest looks around the room, waiting to see if someone will say something. I'm still holding onto Zayn's hand, but as the priest continues to speak, and I turn around to sneak a glimpse of Zayn, I realize that it's no longer Zayn but rather Austin.

Pushing him away and stepping down, Austin looks at me confused as I try to find Zayn. And then out of nowhere I hear Halley ask me from behind, "Are you okay Ally?"

When I turn around to look at her she is wearing her wedding dress and then she continues walking to the alter to stand next to Austin. I search frantically for Zayn as I try to figure things out. Halley once again says, "Are you feeling ok? I thought you wouldn't be able to make it to my wedding."

My throat feels dry as I say, "Your wedding?"

And before anybody can tell me anything, Austin is saying, "Well yea Ally. I realized that Halley is so much perfect for me and you were just a phase. I thought you understood that I never loved you when I told you that Halley is the one."

I taking small steps back as I feel myself growing smaller and smaller. Until finally I feel like I'm disappearing into nothing.

My heart is beating out of my chest as I struggle to take off the covers of my bed. I'm trying to calm down my breath as I turn my head to see that it's two AM in the morning. Putting my hands on my chest I keep chanting to myself that it was just a dream. Well more like a nightmare but I don't care as long as it was fictional.

When I feel calm enough I remind myself that I still have a month and a half left before I get married and that Austin and Halley's wedding is two weeks away. Letting out a frustrated sigh, I try to go back to sleep. But when I realize that I can't, I decided to go downstairs to my kitchen and eat ice cream.

When I grab a bowl of ice cream I make my way to my living room. All I can think about is that this is the fifth time I have had this dream. Although it always starts the same, it always ends different. This time Halley happened to be in the picture, last time Austin told me before I walked down the aisle that he was only playing around with me these past few weeks to see if I was stupid enough to believe him. Not sure what to think about the dreams I decide to not over think them as I put my dirty bowl and spoon in the sink and go back to my bedroom.

The next day I pretend that nothing happened last night when I hear a knock on my door. Looking at the time I try to remember if Trish or Patricia told me they would be coming over. Not recalling anything I open the door and he's standing there.

He looks awkward as he looks surprised that he actually found me at my house. He keeps playing with his hands as he stares anywhere but my eyes. In a mumble of words, he says, "Oh.. Um... You're here. I... uh... wasn't expecting you to, um, be here."

I have an eyebrow raised as I wonder why the heck would Austin be standing right outside my door. We stay silent for a few seconds when out of nowhere Austin says in a rush, "You know what, forget I came by. It was a stupid idea. I wasn't really thinking when I decided to stop by."

He runs a hand through his hair in frustration as utters to himself in words I can't hear. He's only about to leave when I say, "Want to come in?"

If it wasn't for the door I am leaning on, I would most likely be crumbling on the ground. Ever since the vacation to Buena Vista, Austin and I have made sure to not be alone with one another. There's a voice behind my head telling me that this is dangerous but I can't help but wonder if maybe this is a replay from the time he came over to my house drunk and crying.

Looking at me straight in the eye, I know he's sober. I keep biting my lips nervously as I wait for his answer. He looks conflicted as he gazes at me to the inside of my house. In a soft whisper he asks,"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I know this is wrong to some level. And I can't help but feel that I am cheating on Zayn. And when I say, "I don't know," I know that in the end it really doesn't matter because he's going to come in anyway.

He stays outside for a minute or two as he debates the pros and cons of coming in when he says, "Well I guess it won't hurt anyone."

Nodding my head, I open the door a little bit wider to let him through. He looks all around the place as he stands awkwardly next to my couch. I'm not sure what to do when I say the first thing that comes to mind, "Do want something to drink? Water or maybe a coke?"

In a croaky voice he tells me that coke is fine, and I take the time to get myself together. This is worse than the nightmare last night because at least I wake up and poof, it's gone. And this is reality where anything is possible.

When I go back to the living room Austin is still standing in the same place that I left him. His hands are stuff in his pocket as he greets me with the same playful smile I know too well for my own good. Handing him his cup I tell him to sit down as I make my way to the other side of my couch.

We both take small sips of our drinks when I say, "So what's up? How are you and... Uh... Halley doing?"

Saying her name only reminds of our last conversation. Shaking my head I take another sip as Austin says, "We're doing fine. Actually I came here to ask you if everything was fine. Halley told me that you couldn't be our maid of honor anymore. Apparently something came up. She is so depressed that you told her you couldn't make it to the wedding, especially since she considers you like a sister."

My eyes feel like there going to pop out of their sockets. Halley clearly hasn't told him the other side of the story. I stare at my drink as I wonder what the heck did this girl tell him. Shaking my head I say, "Uh... No, everything is well. It's just that I have too much planning left to do for my own wedding and..."

When I look up to greet him he's sitting right in front of me. I'm a little surprised from how close he is but recover quickly. But as Austin begins to talk I don't miss the way he sounds protective.

"Ally are you sure that's the only reason what your not coming to our wedding? You don't have to feel bad that you can't be our maid of honor. You're still invited to the wedding anyway."

As each word rolls off his tongue I can think of plenty reasons on why I shouldn't go. Starting with the fact that I can't see him get married to another girl to Halley telling me that I am officially uninvited.

Giving him a small smile I reassure him that it's because of my wedding. He gives me a small nod when he asks me, "If you don't mind me asking, why did you have a sudden change Ally on being the maid of honor? And don't tell me it's because of your wedding. I know you too well to know that it's just an excuse for the real problem."

I feel nervous as I hear this. Trish has been telling me the same thing as Austin except she tells me she already knows the reason why I declined being Halley's maid of honor. Taking a breath, I say, "Austin trust me. I just have too many things on my plate. I am sure that Alice will not have a problem in filling my shoes."

Letting his body hit the couch as he leans back, Austin tells me, "Yea trust me. I am about a minute away of murdering that girl. She keeps giving Halley more ideas on how she can publicize our wedding. At this point I might as well get married outside on the streets so everyone can see. But back to topic, I know you're lying Ally."

We keep arguing for a bit but after a few minutes Austin lets it go and we just get to talking. Although this time something feels different as we joke around. For a split second it seems like we're back at square one of when we started dating. When everything felt like we were in a state of grace. It felt good and right.

By the time that Austin leaves if finally realize why I couldn't tell Austin the real reason why I couldn't be their maid of honor anymore. Because telling him would mean that I would have to admit that I still love him. And no matter what, that's a secret I'll need to keep to myself.

The next day I have a date with Zayn but somehow I can't help myself but compare him to Austin. Everything Zayn does is perfect. In fact it is so perfect that I can't help but think how boring it is.

By the time he drops me off at my house Zayn asks me, "Is everything okay? You seemed distant tonight."

Looking into his eyes I reassure him everything is fine but then he says, "No really Ally. You know you can tell me everything and I won't judge you."

Letting out a soft sigh, I say, "Zayn if there was something wrong I would tell you okay?"

Grunting in frustration, he yells, "No Ally you don't tell me anything. You shut me out. That's what you do and that's what you have been doing ever since Austin came back!"

I look at him in disbelief when I say, "What the heck are you talking about? If I had been trying to shut you out then I wouldn't be marrying you."

He throws his head back into the seat as he weakly says, "Do you ever realize how cold you could be sometimes? It's like at moments i feel like I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. Sometimes I even wonder if you really love me? Fuck Ally, do you even love me?"

I'm shocked at the words he's saying. Never have I known he felt that way. Trying to hold my ground I say, "Of course I love you. If I didn't I wouldn't be marrying you Zayn. I would have never gone out with you. I love..."

Before I can continue Zayn interrupts me with, "But you don't love me enough Ally. I'll never be enough, I will always be competing against the shadow Austin left behind uh?"

The car gets quiet as we are both lost in thought. And at this moment I realize that maybe I need time for myself. Maybe Zayn mig be Mr. perfect that fulfills my check marks but I need someone more than that. And when Zayn shakes his head and tells me he is sorry, that he's just jealous. I somehow find the nerve to say, "Zayn I think we need to rethink this wedding. I don't think we should get married."

I flinch when he hits the steering wheel with full force. Then he starts telling me that he's sorry, and at some point he accuses me of cheating on him. And then i tell him, "Look I know that getting married would be great but I don't think we should get married if you think I would cheat on you with Austin during Buena Vista. And I have to be honest to you Zayn. I will never be able to love you like I loved Austin. I have tried but something doesn't work between us. I'm sorry but I think you deserve better. And getting married to me would just be a bomb ticking. Sooner or later tensions will rise. I care about you, just not in that way enough."

I want to get out of the car by the time I'm done. He just stays quiet until he says, "So that's it. We're just ending like this."

Taking a breath I say, "I guess so. Zayn don't you think when you get married you'd rather have girl who knows she loves you than a girl who thinks she does but isn't sure?"

Letting a deep breath, he says, "I don't know Ally."

Biting on my lip I say, "Look we'll talk about this tomorrow with a clear mind. Ok? Goodnight."

As I get out of his car I'm fighting the want to cry. I wish there could be some way to deal with this nicely. But I know as I take each step, that if there ever was going to be a wedding for me and Zayn. There's sure as hell isn't going to be one now.