This chapter was originally over 3,000 words long, but I cut it, so here's the first part. Trigger warning- self-harm, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
The weekend is spent in trying to lower Austin's raging fever, thinking of suicide, and just trying to get through the day. I don't think any of us are fully stable at the moment- my meds are working, but I still have the uncontrollable urge to relapse with self-harm. Bullying is not fun in the slightest.
"Rocky…?"
My oldest brother is sitting on the couch, his nose buried in a book. When I make my presence known, he glances up, bookmarking his spot, and patting the seat next to him. I sit down, but instead of sitting next to him, I plop myself down in his lap, and bury my face in his chest.
"I need…I don't wanna go to school tomorrow. Bullying hurts…" I whimper. I sound weak and needy, but I really don't want to do this. I need him right now- I'm so damn scared that I'm going to relapse.
"Ratliff…" He kisses my head gently. "I know you don't wanna go- I hate seeing you so hurt- but you've already missed a lot of days…you won't get credit for the classes you've put so much work into, if you don't go. I'm so sorry…"
"It just…the bullying hurts so much, and I wanna cut so badly…"
"Oh, god…why didn't you tell me…? You've been suffering…Ratliff…" Rocky looks at me worriedly, his eyes radiating with concern.
"I thought it'd be okay…but people say shit, because I hang out with Austin, now…and everything's just gotten worse…"
"Tell you what- you go to school tomorrow, and if you feel the need to do it, you text me, and I'll come get you. And you can sleep with me tonight, I'll hold you. It's 9 now, let's go to bed. You're not doing anything else tonight." He sighs, looking me over. "Lemme grab your meds, and tell Riker what's going on, then we'll go to sleep, alright? Go into our room."
"Can't I just skip them for tonight?" I whisper, burying my face farther into his shirt.
Rocky pulls me away, and looks me in the eye. "Ratliff, you know I can't let you do that. The voices come back to haunt you, and I don't want you to cut yourself. You're so much better than that. I'll be back, okay?"
"Rik?"
Rocky taps my shoulder, and I turn around to look at him. "Yeah?"
Rocky sighs. "Ratliff's having a bad night. He was thinking about relapsing…he's a mess. I need to get back to him- you guys okay with taking care of Austin?"
"That's fine, but is Ratliff okay…?" My eyes widen- Ratliff is the baby of the family, and his humorous personality hides a lot of pain.
"Not right now, no. I'll try to calm him down; we're going to bed. Make sure you wake Austin every four hours to give him more medicine, and keep his fever down. If it gets any higher, you need to give him an ice bath- brain cells start deteriorating around 104."
"Alright," I mutter. Rocky gives me a small smile, reaching over to pull me into his arms. He kisses my head gently, and I hug him back tightly.
"Be strong, yeah? Take care of them. I love you."
"Needa spend time with you tomorrow," I whisper. "Can't do this on my own…"
"Yeah, 'course," Rocky says. "I've gotcha, we'll talk tomorrow. Hang on, bro."
"Bye, Austin," I whisper sadly, leaning down to hug him gently. He coughs harshly into my neck, and I wince, kissing his forehead. "Feel better. I'll see about getting your work for you."
"Thanks, Ratliff," he croaks. "Don't cut yourself."
My eyes widen, and I latch onto him tighter, murmuring into his ear. "How'd you know?!"
"I'm a cutter, Ratliff. I know the signs. You've been off since last night. Don't." He ends the sentence with another cough, and I sigh.
"No promises," I whisper under my breath, as I pull away, and lay him back down- as gently as I can.
"C'mon, Ratliff," Rocky murmurs gently. I nod to him, and feel someone wrap their arms around me from behind. I immediately know it's Riker- and I hug him back, sighing. I don't fucking want to go to school today.
I hug Rydel after that, and then join Rocky at the door. He pushes me out the door, and follows, closing the door gently behind him.
"I don't wanna fucking go," I mutter darkly, sliding into the passenger's seat of Rocky's car.
"I know you don't, but remember our promise. I'll come get you, if you text me." Rocky turns into the parking lot of my high school, and pulls into a parking space. He sighs, turning off the engine, and leans over to kiss my forehead. "You're so strong, Ratliff. I believe in you- you can get through this."
I walk down the sidewalk nervously, glancing at an address on the screen of my phone. I ditched school today, and Dez decided to join me- so I could find the house Austin's staying at. I have things to say to him- and Dez jut wants to see him again. We couldn't convince Trish to join us, and that left me kinda pissed- but she'll get over herself eventually.
"Here it is," I mutter, motioning Dez to stop. The house we're in front of isn't very big, but there are two cars parked in the driveway. The exterior is a dark blue, with white trim and a blue door. I got the address from school- lying and saying I was Ratliff's sister actually worked, and I'm surprised it did- but I got the address.
"Well, we better see if they'll let us in."
I lead Dez up to the front door, and ring the doorbell, waiting- as a nervous ball of energy rolls in my stomach.
The door creaks open, and the girl we saw at the store is revealed. "What are you doing here? How the hell did you get our address?!"
"We wanna see Austin- please," I say. "We won't say anything rude, we just wanna talk."
"Rocky!" She calls, her eyes dark with anger. The guy who came in with Austin- to talk to me- appears beside her, his face changing when he sees us.
He opens the storm door, and motions us in. His sister whispers something in his ear- to which he shakes his head. "Alright, I have no idea how you found us- nor do I want to know. Austin's really sick- he's got a raging fever, a horrid cough and a bad migraine. You can see him, but he's sleeping, and you are not waking him up. If he does wake up- it'll be his decision on whether to talk or not. You will not force him to do anything, are we clear?"
My eyes widen- as he speaks of Austin's illness. Austin never gets sick- he's always had a strong immune system. However, I nod, and press my fingernails into Dez's palm- so he doesn't say anything stupid. He's known to do that- and I don't want to say or do anything- that could ruin our chances of seeing Austin.
"Follow me," Rocky mutters. He leads us through the house, before stopping at a closed door. "Be quiet. If he's sleeping, we don't want to wake him up."
I nod, and descend down the steps behind him, Dez and that girl- I still don't know the name of- following.
"He's in here," Rocky says, walking through a carpeted room full of band instruments, into the back. It seems like a game room- there are couches, a TV, and a pool table in the back.
When I catch sigh of Austin, my heart sinks. He's definitely sick. He has a cold compress on his head, and he's pressed into Riker's chest, his face blotchy and red. Sweatpants and a ratty, old t-shirt cover his thin frame, and his hair is messy. Riker looks up at us, his eyes widening.
"Wha? Why the fuck are they here?!" He whispers angrily.
Rocky and the girl go over, and they talk in hushed voices for a few minutes, Riker's face softening the slightest bit. The girl kisses his cheek gently, and he smiles at her, before locking his gaze on us.
"Come on over," he says. "He's half asleep, so you may not be able to talk to him, though."
"Be slow," I mutter to Dez. "We can't scare him. Austin's not the heaviest sleeper on the planet. And be careful- don't say or do anything stupid, please, Dez."
He rolls his eyes and nods, as we walk over. We stop right in front of the couch, and my heart breaks- seeing Austin up close is even worse. He's essentially sitting on Riker's lap- the older blonde has an arm against his back to support him, and the other is keeping Austin curled to his body. Austin's face is hidden in his neck, and Riker's shirt is wet with what I think is either sweat or tears. He looks so pitiful and broken, and it hurts to see it.
A loud cough pierces the silence in the room, and Austin is left hacking, a shaky hand traveling up to his chest. Riker winces, and turns to his sister. "Get me more of that cough medicine. It seemed to work last night." As soon as the girl leaves, he turns his attention back to Austin, hushing him gently. "You're alright, it's okay, breathe. That's good. Breathe. You're fine."
Austin relaxes a bit, his labored breaths still infiltrating the room. His distorted, hallucinated gaze comes to rest on us, and his eyes widen comically. "Don'…hurt me…" His voice is shot and hoarse, and the words that escape shatter my heart.
"Shhh, calm down. They just wanted to see you- it's okay."
"Hey, Aus?" Rocky glances up from his phone, his eyes serious. "I have to go pick up Ratliff- you'll be alright with Rik and Ry, yeah?"
Austin nods slightly. He lifts his shaky arms for a hug, and Rocky complies immediately, encasing Austin's shivering body with his own warm one. "You're gonna feel better soon. Rydel's getting medicine."
So, that's what her name is. More importantly- I'm surprised at how gentle and good they are with him. They know just what to do- and it only makes the guilt grow in my stomach.
"I'll be back soon, alright? Text me if you need anything," Rocky says to his brother, leaning down to kiss his forehead. He pulls his keys from his pocket, and turns to us. "If they ask you to leave, you will. Listen to whatever they say- they have the best intentions in mind, and all we're trying to do is take care of Austin." And with that, he runs up the steps.
"You don't have to look at me like I have the plague, y'know," Austin croaks. "I'm damaged, not dead."
Just hearing him talk about himself like that wrenches my heart. I swallow hard, looking him in the eye. "I was worried about you."
Austin laughs bitterly. "Yeah, right. You're only worried when there's something wrong. Both of you. If I were fine- not damaged, not ill, you'd hate me and not give a shit. Don't expect forgiveness, because it won't happen." He coughs harshly at the end of his statement, and Riker coaxes him to turn away.
"We agree with him, guys," Riker mutters. "You're the reason he's like this- his parents have played a part, but it's your fault as well. We're angrier- and we may be overreacting- but we all know how it feels. It hurts more than anything, and I hope you don't have to feel it- no matter how much I despise you."
"Here, Aus." Rydel comes back into the room, two pills and a bottle of water in her hands. "Open." Austin complies, and she places the pills on the back of his tongue, and then presses the water bottle to his lips. "Good. You should try to get some rest."
A spark of anger ignites in me. We said sorry, we said we forgave him for flipping out at Dallas, what more could he want? Does he want us to fucking grovel at his feet? It's not like he isn't at fault here as well.
Thoughts? I'll have the rest up tomorrow- I hope you enjoyed this, and please review!
-Neha