My Way is Clear

by Simply Ginger

Nick meets a paramedic after getting injured at a crime scene. In an AU, this is their story. This is not a slash and all the characters from CSI show up eventually.

15. Endlessly

A/N: Wow. Wow. Wow. I think I've gotten about two dozen alerts in my email for people adding this story to their alerts and favorite stories after posting the last chapter. A thousand thank yous and all sorts of love and stuff from me for that. Now if some of you would leave me reviews… Pretty please?

I toyed with ending the last chapter on a different note and even wrote out 2 versions but ultimately chose the one posted. I felt that the way last chapter ended led to much bigger storylines for the future.

I was asked if Anna was dead via message through FanFiction. The answer: Anna is *not* dead nor am I going to make her or Nick commit suicide but that's all I'm saying for now. I promise I'm not done with either Anna or Nick. Just stay tuned. I promise you that it'll be worth the wait. I have no intentions on ending this story anytime soon.

Chapter 15 - Endlessly

Out of breath from running, I was knocking on the door and was growing impatient with each second that passed with no answer. It was morning but the lights were on in the living room and the curtains were open so I hoped he'd be home. After knocking again and contemplating kicking the door in, the door finally opened. "Nick?"

"Cathy, is Bryan awake yet or is he still up? I need to talk to him."

"Yes, he's awake." She opened the door and stood to one side as I stepped in, "Are you okay?"

"No. Not really."

"You look awful." Cathy closed the door and turned to face me, "He got home from work a bit ago. He's giving Cody a bath. He and Cody had a food fight and Cody got syrup all over himself from breakfast. He should be close to being done by now, so wait right here. I'll get him."

I watched as she disappeared down the hall to get Bryan. I saw my reflection in a mirror by the door. I knew I looked awful. I felt awful. I started to pace back and forth in their den until I heard Bryan come in the room, calling out to Cody to get his clothes on as he looked at me before coming to a stop in front of me. "CSI Man? What's wrong?" I stayed where I was, unable to make a sound. "Nick?" Bryan rarely used my given name just as he rarely used Anna's. I knew he was like my mother when I was growing up; when my mother would call me Nicholas or when Bryan used my given name, I better pay attention. "Talk to me."

"It's..." I couldn't say the words. I couldn't even face what was going on even though it was true. Instead, I handed him the note Anna left. "Here. I can't."

Bryan sat down on a recliner in the room and reached over for his reading glasses and turned a lamp on. I continued my pacing as he read. "Aggie, damn it." He pulled his reading glasses off and threw them across the room, "Stupid, stupid woman."

Cathy came in just in time to see Bryan's temper flare up. "Bryan Alexander Brooks!" Bryan jumped at the sound of his name. "What if Cody was in the room? You could have hit him. His toys are over there and not only that but our son thinks it's proper to say 'dammit man!' after he drops something. His preschool teacher doesn't think that's funny and neither do I."

Bryan didn't even look up, "Read." He held the note out and Cathy took it and started to read. I stopped pacing long enough to watch her expression. "That's why I acted the way I did. She's an idiot. The best thing to ever happen to her is in our living room and she runs out on him. God, she's stupid. I'll kick her red headed ass next time I see her for doing this to you." Bryan looked up at me, "What happened?"

After she finished reading, Cathy handed the note back to me and sighed. I folded it and put it back in my pocket. "Nick, sit down. You look awful." Cathy moved some of Cody's toys off of the sofa and threw them into a basket at the edge of the room and picked up Bryan's reading glasses and put them on the table next to the chair Bryan was in, "Anna left and this was all she said? When did you find this? What happened?"

I took a seat on the couch as Cathy sat on the arm rest of the recliner Bryan was in. "I was at work earlier and Anna called. I could tell by how she sounded on the phone that something was wrong. She said she was up front and asked that I come get her. I did just that and she and I came back to an empty office to talk. She, uh, she..."

Cathy reached for a box of Kleenex on the end table and tossed it to me, "Here."

I caught it easily and took a couple out of the box and set it on the floor next to my feet. "Thanks." I took a deep breath and continued, "Anna said that Renee found her again and she confronted her at Wal-Mart."

"And Renee is?" Bryan looked confused, "I don't think she's ever mentioned anyone named Renee to me before."

"Anna didn't tell you who Renee was?" He shook his head. "She's Nigel Crane's adopted sister."

"Oh, shit." Bryan brought his hand up to his forehead in frustration, "Oh, shit, shit."

"Bryan!" Cathy hit Bryan's shoulder, "Really?"

"Sorry Cathy, but what else was I supposed to say?" Bryan rubbed the spot on his shoulder. "Aggie never mentioned anything to me about this Renee person."

"Anyway, she had confronted me at the lab not too long ago then saw Anna and me out and confronted us both. Anna told her where to go and I thought that was it. Just to err on the side of caution considering who we were dealing with, I had some patrol cars come by here a few times a night after I went back to work and they said they saw a car one night slow down in front of our house but they didn't know if it was Renee or not. Anna said she thought she saw Renee at the hospital a couple of times but she couldn't be sure. Earlier this morning, Anna was at Wal-Mart getting her medication for her shoulder. She just told me Renee had found some stuff of ours in Nigel's storage unit and apparently Renee thought she was doing us a favor by bringing it back to us. Anna never said what it was, only that she threw it in the Goodwill bin at Wal-Mart and left the store with Renee still yelling at her. After most of Anna's stuff that was taken as evidence was released, she wouldn't even go pick it up from the station. Anna told me to have the evidence clerk donate it somewhere. Nigel had stolen a lot of my clothes and I said to put my stuff with hers for donation. I didn't want any of my stuff back that he had, either. Anyway, after telling me that Renee found her and about the donation to the Goodwill bin, Anna started crying again and kept repeating that she couldn't do this anymore. That scared me pretty badly and I asked her to clarify what she meant. She said she couldn't go through the rest of her life wondering if Renee was standing behind her with a gun, ready to finish what her brother started. Renee was about as unhinged as her dead brother was and I can't say as I blame Anna. I offered to have her wait at the lab for Captain Brass to get there and she could file a report. I was gonna talk to him about getting a restraining order against Renee for both of us."

Bryan looked hurt, "When did she leave? Aggie didn't say anything to me which is strange. She tells me everything and always has ever since we could talk. I knew about the nightmares and everything but she didn't tell me about the sister."

"Then you know she's been waking up some, screaming because of nightmares but those seemed to be going away. I don't know for sure when she left. I knew when she left the lab and went to hug me, it felt different. Now I know why. She was telling me goodbye but I didn't hear it at the time. Do you have any idea where she'd go? Anything? Her family?"

"Nick, I doubt she's anywhere near her family. They're not close, so I doubt she'd go there. Anna's father is disappointed she didn't stay in Arkansas like her sister and get married and pop out kids. Now my parents, maybe. I'll call them and ask that if they see her to call me. She and my sister are pretty close, too. I'll call her as well as my brother. Cathy's parents are still in SanFran and I'll get her to call them just in case. Are you gonna try to find her? With you being who you are, you could have her found in no time."

I sighed, "I'm gonna try to see what I can find out without alerting anyone at work. Some of the resources I have at work I can use without a supervisor's approval. Some, I need approval for and I'd rather not attract attention just yet. Part of me wants to find out where she is and try to convince her to come back. Actually, all of me wants to find her but I'm torn. She hasn't even been gone a day and I am completely worthless already but she told me not to. You read it. What do I do? I have no doubt I could find her, but I also know she's smart enough not to be that obvious."

Bryan sighed, "Nick, if I were you, I'd..."

"Uncle Nicky?" I looked towards the side of the room. Cody was wearing mismatched pajamas and was standing in the doorway of the living room. The shirt had a Power Rangers character on it and the bottoms were Razorback print. "Where's Aunt Anna?" He came down the two steps from the hall into the living room where we were and stopped in front of me, "Uncle Nicky, why are you crying?"

"I, uh…" I couldn't finish my statement. I didn't know how Bryan and Cathy wanted to handle telling Cody that his aunt was gone.

Cody got up in my lap and put his arms around my neck, "I make it better."

I choked back my own tears as Cody hugged me. I tightened my arms around him as I tried to concentrate on anything to keep me from crying in front of him, "That helps. Thank you." He turned around and sat on the sofa next to me, "That helped a lot."

"Where's Aunt Anna?"

I looked at Cathy and Bryan, unsure how to tell their four year old that Anna left. "Well, Aunt Anna is...She's at...I think she's…" I went blank. I didn't want to tell him the truth but I also knew when Anna got shot and was in the hospital, Cathy and Bryan were very honest with Cody when he asked where Anna was and why she was in the hospital. They told him a bad person hurt Anna but she was being taken care of by Cathy. "Anna's not here, Cody. She's not here."

Cody looked like he was about to cry, "Did Aunt Anna go to mommy's work again? Did the bad man come back?"

"No, no. Nothing like that." I shook my head, "No. She's not in the hospital again. She took sort of a vacation. Aunt Anna needed some time to herself so she left."

Seeing I was stumbling with the right words, Cathy stepped in, "Honey, let's let daddy and Uncle Nicky talk. I'll tell you about Aunt Anna. You need to get dressed anyway." Cathy held out her hand and Cody took it and they left the living room to give us privacy to speak freely.

"So what do I do?" I rested my head in my hands as I stared at the floor, "She took me with her. I don't know. It's like we're two halves of the same person or something and when we're apart we...I'm just not happy."

"I know you're not happy and neither is she. She's insanely stupid for doing this, but you will find her. Nick, she's smart enough not to take her own truck and I bet she left her phone and checkbook at home, right?"

I turned to him after taking a moment to breathe deeply. "Yeah. I already tried her cell. It was turned off and it was at home."

"Let me make some calls to the rest of my family. I'll give them the abbreviated version with a few details and just ask them to be on the look out for Anna. I'll see what I can find out. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid like give up."

I shook my head, "Funny. I told Anna the same thing earlier in the day when she came by and she told me she was going home. I made her swear she wouldn't hurt herself and she swore she wouldn't do anything stupid." I stood up and got ready to leave. "I won't. I promise."

I left Bryan's and walked back home. All I wanted to do was find Anna and hold her tightly and promise to protect her for the rest of her life. Instead, I found some pain pills she had left over and took a couple, hoping they'd knock me out but they had no effect on me. I stayed in bed almost two hours, tossing and turning before I got up. Frustrated with being groggy but not being able to sleep, I found my swim trunks and went to the back of the house where the lap pool was. Draco followed me back and got in her bed as she watched me get in the water and start swimming laps. I got about a mile done when I started breathing hard. I knew this was from more than just the workout I had given myself. It was from the pain of Anna being gone. Rather than risk drowning, I got out of the pool and got in the shower. After I was done, I dried off and went back to the bedroom and hoped I'd be able to sleep.

"CSI Man?"

About five hours after I finally fell asleep, Draco started barking, causing me to wake up. As I heard who ever it was call out to me again, I sat up in bed, "Hello?" I looked out the window and saw that it was dark outside as I started to reach for the drawer in the nightstand where I kept my gun. I couldn't tell from where I was who was parked in the driveway. "Bryan?"

"Yeah, it's me. For the love of God, don't shoot me. You didn't answer the phone or the door so I let myself in. Aggie gave me a key a long time ago. I don't know if she told you or not. I was worried about you when I couldn't get you on the phone, so I came over."

"Bryan, hang on. I'm not decent." I threw the covers off and stumbled getting out of bed. I tripped on the quilt and caught myself on the wall. "Crap." I grabbed a pair of gym shorts out of the dresser and put on a t-shirt before I went up front.

"You okay? Sounded like you kicked something."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I tripped and hit the wall. Coming." I rubbed the sore spot on my forehead and went up front to where Bryan was, "Please tell me you have some news. Anything."

"Unfortunately not. I can't stay long but I wanted to let you know I talked to my family. They haven't heard from Anna yet but they promise they'll call if they see her or if she stops by and I trust them. You have my word if she calls, I'll tell you. When she does call me, I'm sure she'll swear me to secrecy, but I'll tell you and I think she knows that. This is probably a stupid question, but how are you?"

"Bryan, I don't know. I'm not sure. There are so many things I'm not sure of in life, but with all certainty at this very minute, all I know is that I miss her and she hasn't even been gone that long. It's like she took me to the top of the tallest mountain, showed me the world and told me 'that's what you CAN'T have.' I don't understand."

"I know you don't. I wish I had better news for you but I promise you, I'll tell you if she calls me. I promise I'll tell you if I find out anything. You have my word on that. You want me to tell her something if she calls or anything? A message? A plea? A threat? A chance to intervene legally with blunt force trauma?"

"Yeah. Tell her I love her. Tell her I need her and that I'll need her more than she'll ever know until I stop breathing."

"Wow." Bryan a nodded silently with his eyes focused on me as he got ready to leave, "You really do love her."

"Yeah. I do."

"Love is kind of complicated, but I'll tell you this, the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there. Hold onto that. Nick, if your love for someone is true, then that person will always come back to you. I can't think of a truer person than you to be waiting on Anna when she finally pulls her head out of her ass and realizes how bad she screwed up by leaving you like she did and she will realize that and she will come back."

Bryan left after telling me he'd keep me updated. As I was locking the door behind him, I saw a picture of Anna and me on one of the shelves in the living room and I picked it up and held it in my hands. "Anna." I half-heartedly forced a smile before I felt the tears start to come back, "Promise me you won't hurt yourself. That's all I want. Just a promise that you will never forget me. Tell me I changed you somehow. Let me know that I had an impact on your life. Promise me that you will always remember me. Losing you was hard enough, but I don't want to live knowing I meant absolutely nothing to you." I put the picture on the floor next to me as I went to lie back on the floor and stared at the ceiling.

I had been in a state of morose solitude for a couple of hours when my phone started ringing, interrupting my thoughts, "Hello?"

"Nick? Where are you? You're late."

I pulled the phone away from my ear to check the time. "Damn, Grissom. I forgot what time it was. I got distracted."

"You don't get distracted, Nick." I didn't even have to be at the lab to see the disappointed look Grissom was giving me. I heard it in his voice over the phone, "What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"No, but I'm not coming in tonight. Something came up. Sorry I didn't give you enough notice, but I can't do it tonight." I went to lie back on the floor and my arm relaxed and bumped the picture I left on the floor. I picked it up and stared at it as I spoke. "If you have to write me up, I understand and I'll take a suspension if that's what I'm gonna get for this."

"Nick, I'm not planning on writing you up. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I gotta go. If I can't come in tomorrow night, I'll call."

"Nick, this isn't like..."

I didn't give Grissom a chance to finish the question. I snapped the phone shut and tossed it across the room. I knew I'd probably get written up but I didn't care anymore. I took some more pain pills Anna had left over and forced myself to go back to sleep.

I took the first four days off work after Anna left. The fifth and sixth days were my two off days and on the seventh day, I had to go back to work. I kept myself busy doing just enough work to get by until I could leave work and go home and back to bed. This went on for a week before I could tell everyone at work was beginning to suspect something was up.

It had been two weeks since Anna left and I had to start coming to terms with the fact I probably wouldn't see her again. I picked up an apartment rental guide on my way home, knowing I wouldn't be able to stay here forever. Anna would eventually sell the house and I couldn't buy it knowing it'd be filled with memories I couldn't live with for the rest of my life.

Trying to think as little as possible about the incidents of the days before, I tried to drag myself out of bed before my alarm clock went off. I was already fighting a losing battle with trying to get up after I woke up after another restless night. I gave in to the urge to stay in bed for a moment before I rolled over to check the time on the clock by the bed. As my eyes adjusted to the small table clock, it blinked once and went blank. The hall light I left on for the dog went dark and the air conditioner quit working as the blower inside the unit came to a stop. The house was silent. "Figures considering how dark my life has become lately. Darkness goes with anything."

I rolled back over in bed and closed my eyes as I tried to decide if I had enough time to go back to bed before my shift started or if I had to get up now before I was late to work. Whatever wiped the numbers from the clock face left nothing behind. There was no time according to the blank clock. In cell phone land, there was still time and the display on my phone read 22:23. After lying in bed another ten minutes, I opened the phone so I could use the backlight as a flashlight and threw the covers off of me and reluctantly made my way to the kitchen as the glow from my phone illuminated the path. Draco heard me get up and I let her out in the back yard from the door at the side of the house and continued my trek to the kitchen to find something with caffeine in it to help me wake up. Anna's cat came out of one of the side bedrooms and I felt her fur against my leg as she rushed past me on her way up front. As I entered the kitchen, the power came back on, causing Danilla to look over at me from her viewpoint in the window before she started to bathe herself. After leaving the phone on the bookcase by the door where my keys were, I came back to the kitchen and got a Coke out of the fridge and scratched the cat's ears while we both watched the dog through the kitchen window. She was chasing leaves in the back yard as I left the kitchen to go take a shower before work.

An hour and a shower later, I let Draco back inside and she went back to her bed in the sunroom at the back of the house. I checked to make sure she had kibble in her bucket and checked Danilla's bowl on my way back up front. Seeing that the cat needed food, I put the last little bit of cat food from the bag into her bowl and made a mental note to get cat food on my way home from work when my shift was over. I looked around the house once more to make sure I didn't forget anything before grabbing my phone and keys off the shelf and my work bag that was by the door and turning the lights off.

I stopped myself when I got to the living room and saw a picture of Anna and me that was sitting on a shelf in the bookcase by the door. It was from a charity event she went to and I went along with her. I sent a copy of that same picture to my parents a couple days after Anna got a copy of it from one of the firemen at the station. Anna was in her dress uniform and I was dressed for court. Anna was already going to be there by the time I got out of court and rather than be later than I already was, I just left court and went straight there as I was. "I don't know where you are, but I miss you, A. I've never heard a house sound so loud with memories. I see something that would make you laugh, or I hear a song that you'd listen to, or I think of something that would upset you, and it makes me want to laugh, and smile, and cry, all at once. I can't stop thinking of you." I flipped the switch up to take one last glance at the picture of us before turning the lights back off and locking the door.

Since I knew the rest of my team suspected something was wrong, I forced myself to be as normal as possible. Warrick and I got assigned to work an arson investigation on the not so good end of town. The investigation took up most of the night and I was actually glad for the extra work that arson cases required. The more I stayed busy, the less Anna was on my mind. Warrick and I had been at the scene about six hours collecting evidence before we decided we had finished and left to head back to the lab to start processing.

I listened mostly as we talked about a little bit of everything. I did my duty and nodded my head and interjected as needed with my own comments or stories, but for the most part, I kept my mind busy on the case and just listened to what he had to say. If I dared to let a lull hit in the conversation or in the work, memories of Anna kept coming back to me and that always turned me into a useless semi-conscious human being for the rest of the shift. I hadn't told anyone at work what was going on with Anna. The only two people who did know the truth were Bryan and Cathy. I didn't need anyone at work knowing what was going on. I knew Warrick well enough to know that he knew something was up with me, but he didn't come out and ask me about what was wrong or why I was acting the way I was acting and I didn't volunteer any information. When he did try to find out what was going on with me, I either changed the subject or I just told him I had some stuff on my mind and technically, that wasn't a lie.

"Nick?"

I looked up from the microscope to see Captain Brass leaning against the doorframe of the lab, "What's up?"

He let himself in the room and stopped in front of the table I was at. I watched as he flipped to a page in the folder in his hands and handed me a form, "Need you to sign this. Also, you interview the owner of the house at the scene? His name is Jason McBride. Did he say anything to either of you at all?"

I signed the evidence collection form and handed it back to him, "Did we interview the owner of the house? That's, well…That's a really good question." I heard Warrick behind me start to laugh, "Well, sort of." I looked back over my shoulder at Warrick who was still laughing as he remembered the colorful way the owner answered our questions when tried to interview him about what happened, "We asked him what his story was concerning his whereabouts when the fire started and what he saw. He had a few colorful words for us both before he went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person and then he implied that my mother and my sisters were ladies of questionable breeding. Of course, how I worded it was a lot nicer and more eloquently worded than the way he addressed Warrick and me."

"That's basically what he told us. He wasn't exactly very forthcoming with any information that might exonerate him. We talked with the neighbors and they said that he's getting a divorce from his wife. Imagine that?"

I laughed, "And he's such a catch, too. Crying shame my sisters are married. He'd be a perfect husband material."

"Anyway, neighbors told me that he and the soon to be ex had a court date earlier in the week. He was apparently told to split everything equally, including the house. Guess he figured he'd burn his half of the house to the ground and divide it up that way. You two get anything yet?"

Warrick handed Brass the paper he had just printed out, "Hodges just emailed this to me and asked that I give it to you when I saw you. Accelerant in the woodwork in the living room, pour patterns on the floor in one of the rooms off of the kitchen. According to Hodges, and I quote, 'Unless we uncover evidence that he kept parked cars in his dining room next to a gas station in his kitchen and the petrol refinery in his living room, this guy did it and wanted to make sure the whole world knew that he started the fire. No questions asked.' That's pretty much what Nick and I thought when we were here. Ceilings were pulled down and the furniture was piled in the center of the rooms. I knew when Nick and I were there, we smelled gasoline. There's no doubt in my mind that he did this on purpose."

"Thanks. Let me know if you find anything else." Brass left the office, headed back to the police station to finish his interrogation of the suspect.

Warrick and I got back to processing. We started our conversation again as we worked. I let the conversation drift to wherever it went as long as it didn't involve a certain redhead who was gone from my life. Any time he started to steer the conversation towards Anna, I changed the subject. He started on something else that was Anna related when I interrupted him, "You hungry? I just realized I haven't eaten since I got here."

He shook his head, "Nah, I got something out of the machine earlier. If you want to go grab a bite, go or if you want, go call Anna to bring you something. I haven't seen her in a while and she can bring me something if she's stopping by to see you."

'Warrick Brown and Nick Stokes to the reception lobby. Warrick Brown and Nick Stokes to the reception lobby. Thank you.'

"Thank you, Jesus." I looked up at the PA speaker, thankful for the divine intervention from above.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." I was glad Warrick didn't hear that comment I made. He'd want an explanation and I couldn't give him one that didn't involve me telling him Anna was gone. I looked up and stared at the PA speaker in the ceiling above my head again, saying a silent bit of thanks for the interruption. I started to get up, but really didn't feel like going, "Think you can handle this? See who it is? If it's someone who needs both of us, can you bring them back here? Not feeling real sociable right now and if at all possible, I'd prefer to just stay hidden, especially if it's a victim or something from a crime we worked. Can you cover for me, please?"

"Sure." Warrick gave me a look as he got up from the computer he working at, "I got it. Be right back."

As I watched as Warrick left the office to head up front to see who needed us, I got another look from him. I understood the look he gave me and he didn't even have to say anything. I figured it was probably a victim of a crime we had worked in the past who was looking for an update and I just didn't feel sociable right now.

Normally when it came to dealing with the victim or the victim's families needing answers, everyone up here always wanted me to do it. Grissom told me in the past that I was one of the best employees he knew about making someone feel at ease or having to reassure someone that we were doing all we could. Warrick knew this and knew that I didn't mind talking to someone, but judging from the look he gave me, he knew something was up and that my something was a lot bigger than what I had let on. I'd eventually have to tell him, but I didn't want to right now. The only thing I wanted to do was go home, but even then, the thought of going home didn't seem satisfying anymore and it hadn't been in the fifteen days since Anna left me. What I really wanted to do was find Anna, but as hard as it was, I was respecting her wishes.

I had used the resources at work to flag her driver's license as well as her credit cards. So far, she only used her credit card once in Utah at a gas station and I got notification that she got a warning for rolling through a stop sign in Colorado but that was it. I called the station and requested the surveillance footage be emailed to me and the clerk obliged and as I watched the footage from my laptop at home, I couldn't help but feel every emotion I had known wash over me. Anna only bought some gas and a Mountain Dew and wasn't in there for that long, but I must have watched that footage a hundred times. She had on a dark sweatshirt over pink running pants and had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. Keeping her head down, she kept her face hidden from the camera, but did glance up once at it on her way out. I replayed that portion of the footage over and over again, knowing she looked up on purpose. She could have kept her head down the entire time she was in the store, but at the last minute, I watched the video as she paused ever so slightly and looked up before picking up the bottle of Mountain Dew she had purchased and left the store.

Following the footage from another camera, I did get lucky that the outside camera caught a license plate on a car she had. When I got the PD to run the plates, it was a rental car she had picked up from McCarran International Airport here in town. I shared the info with Bryan and he told me that he knew Anna was smart enough to stay out of sight if she wanted to and she probably did this on purpose, knowing I'd find out where she was and knowing I'd get the video footage.

With each passing day bringing me no news about how she was or where she was, it got harder and harder to focus on my job, but I had to. My job was all I had left next to the hope Anna would come back or at the very least, call me and let me know where we stand.

I caught myself staring at doors at home, imagining her opening the door and smiling at me when she saw me waiting on her. Even when I was lying in bed, begging my mind to cooperate with my body and give me the sleep I desperately needed, I would hear a car pass by on the road outside and for a brief second, my mind thought it could be Anna. After the car passed and the door never opened, my heart would sink lower and lower with each event that turned out to be another disappointment.

I started to stare at the door to the room I was in, just imagining looking up after hearing a knock on the glass only to see her waving at me from the other side of the window. The last time she did that was before Nigel Crane's sister came into our lives. "I should have done a better job of protecting you." I continued my staring contest with the door as I spoke out loud to the empty room I was in, "I'm so sorry." Talking out loud to nothing made me look insane, but it was one of the ways I coped with her being gone. I closed my eyes and tried to remember how it felt to run my fingers down from Anna's shoulder to her wrist and hold her hand in mine or pull her in close to me and hold onto her tightly, but with each passing day, the memories kept becoming less real. The pain I was feeling every day was the only thing that reminded me she was real. If pain was what it took to be close to her or to keep her memory alive, then I'd just find a way to deal with it. It was the only thing left I had to hold on to.

"Nick, you want me to stick this in your locker for you? I'm heading down anyway."

I looked over at Warrick to see what it was, "Judging by the blue paper on the outside of that envelope you've got, that can only mean one thing. I guess I'm the proud owner of a brand new subpoena entitling me to a full day, no expenses paid trip to the Clark County court of my choice?" He smiled at my humor. "Yeah if you don't mind, take it down there for me. Oh, and take this down too." I handed a case folder to Warrick, "Go put both in my locker and I'll be down in just a minute and we can leave. I'm ready to get out of here myself." I watched as he left the office we were in and kept my eye on him through the windows as he made his way down the hallway to the locker rooms before he made the turn behind me which took him out of my line of sight.

The silence in the room was just what I needed for the time being, "I'm so exhausted." I rubbed my eyes using the back of my hands and tried to make myself appear more energetic than I was, but I knew it'd be a futile act. I stayed where I was in the office for a moment before I realized I had to get up because I had to go home. This was the part of my day I hated doing the most. I hated going home to that empty house that was filled with memories of Anna. Right now, that was the only home I had. I knew Catherine could get Sam to get me a room at the Tangiers again, but she'd want to know why and again, I couldn't give her a reason she'd believe that didn't involve Anna leaving me. I remembered the apartment guide I picked up the other day and made the decision to take a look through it once I got home and I'd start working on finding a place to live.

I felt tears coming on and quickly choked them off before I wound up crying at work. I felt that activity was best left for me to get back home. Draco provided the company I needed these days and even Anna's flighty cat was beginning to come around. She didn't run quite as fast as she first did when she first met me. "I guess that'll be the end of the shift. Another day, another dollar." I sighed, knowing I had to put on my big boy underoos and face the day at home alone.

I got up from the chair and shut the lights off in the lab before I went downstairs to the locker rooms to change and go home. I made the turn at the corner and opened the door to the locker room and saw Warrick sitting down on the bench, reading something. I didn't pay any attention and instead went to my locker, only to see my locker door opened, "Put the file in there okay?"

Warrick didn't look up right away, "Why didn't you tell me Anna left?" He held up the letter that Anna left me, "I'm your best friend and you didn't feel a need to mention this?"

"Because, I didn't want to. I'm handling this." I wished I would have hidden that letter in a better place than on the top shelf of the locker. No one knew that I carried the letter with me. It was the one of the bizarre ways that made me feel close to Anna. I took a step forward and got ready to pull the letter out of Warrick's hand, but he moved his hand back, just out of my reach, "Give it to me."

"Nick, talk to me."

"Give me the damn letter." I tried reaching for it again, but Warrick held it over his head

"What the hell happened? You were so happy. Anna was so happy. This doesn't make sense. I've never seen two people more suited for each other than you and Anna are. What went wrong?" I reached for the letter again and Warrick pulled it back, keeping it just out of my reach. "Nick, talk to me."

"You had no right to read this. Damn it, this is none of your concern." I yanked the letter out of his hand before I slammed the locker door shut and left, not even bothering say anything else in my own defense. I was halfway down the hall before I realized I left my bag in my locker which was the same bag that had my truck keys inside of it. Silently cursing myself even more, I retraced my steps back to the locker room and found Warrick sitting in the exact same spot as he was when I made my exit moments earlier, "So much for my dramatic exit, huh?"

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I came down here to put the folder and subpoena in your locker like you asked and when I opened the door, some papers you had on the shelf flew out and when I bent down to pick them up, I saw the note Anna left. I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I know you didn't know." I started to open my locker, but stopped, "I didn't want anyone to know. That's why I didn't say anything to anyone. That's why I've been so distracted. I didn't want to tell anyone. I wanted to keep this private, but now that you know, the whole lab will know and right now, sympathy over this is the last thing I need. I don't need to be walking down the hall and get the 'that's him' looks or the 'She left him, poor Nick. I wonder if he's had enough time to get over her so I can ask him out' looks. I already get that from dealing with what happened to me thanks to that spastic lunatic I let into our lives. I'm still dealing with that. I have to get the 'That's him. That's the one the stalker went after' or the 'He's the one that almost died' looks from everyone. I don't need the sympathy. I don't need the concern. What I need is my girlfriend at home when I get there, but just like every night for the past two weeks, she won't be there and I don't even know where she is. No one does. I spoke to Bryan and he swore on his life that the last time he spoke to her was last week and she said she was visiting a cousin of hers I think, but she was leaving the next day and he hasn't heard from her since. She's not staying in any place for too long because she doesn't want to be found right away. Anna's smart and she knows how to stay hidden if she doesn't want to be found. It's hard as hell on me not knowing where she is or at the very least that she's okay. I know you well enough to know that you figured something was going on and I knew that eventually, it'd all come out, but I just wasn't ready for it now. That's why I haven't said anything. I really didn't want anyone else up here to know what was going on with Anna."

"Look, I won't tell anyone if you don't want this to get out. You have my word on that." Warrick looked up at me from his seat on the bench, "You feel like talking? I'll even throw in breakfast to sweeten the deal."

"You buying?" He said he was as I opened my locker and stared at the contents inside, "Actually, yeah." I sat down on the bench next to him as I pulled my bag out of my locker. "I do, but not here. Come on." I stood up and started to leave the locker room with Warrick following me.

"Going somewhere, gentlemen?"

We both saw Catherine walking into the locker room we just came out of. Warrick stood next to me as he shoved me forward. "Yeah, we're, uh, going to go eat or something. Later." He shoved me in the back again silently telling me that I needed to pick up the pace before Catherine tried to invite herself to come along, "Figured you didn't want the company."

I didn't say anything until we got outside. I pulled my sunglasses out of the side zipper of my bag and dug my keys out of my pocket, "No, I didn't and thanks. Where to?"

"Come on over to my place." Warrick reached in his truck and got something and turned to face me. He was holding up a video game, "I got the new Wii NFL game that came out last week. I haven't even had time to try it out yet I'll even let you be the pathetic ass Cowboys and I promise I won't laugh when the Dallas quarterback misses a pass or when my team's mascot sacks his ass just to show you how much I care."

I laughed.,"You're on. I'll be there in just a bit. Gotta run by the store and get food for Danilla and do one other thing first."

"Danilla?" Warrick tossed the game back in his truck. "Who's that?"

"Danilla is Anna's cat. I put the last bit of kibble in her bowl last night before I left to come into work."

"How'd she come up with a name like Danilla?" Warrick tossed his bag in the back of his Tahoe before starting it and turning up the air conditioner, "I'll be glad when this heat is over with. Hate it."

"You and me both." I hit the button on the remote entry for my truck to unlock it. "She didn't name it herself. Bryan's kid named the cat. Anna said she found the cat when she was out riding one of her horses and brought her home. Bryan's son, Cody, saw the cat and went nuts when Anna told him he could name her. He wanted to name the cat Vanilla after his favorite ice cream flavor but couldn't say vanilla properly and it came out 'Danilla' and that's how the cat got her name, which in itself is strange because the cat is black and orange, but Anna said he was adamant about the cat's name being Danilla." I checked my watch, "Give me an hour or so. It won't take me that long to run by the store and pick up a bag of food and some other stuff I need. Be over at your house in a bit." I didn't give him time to ask me what my mystery errand was after I was finished at the store, nor did I want him to see where I was going.

I made it part of my drive home every morning to go by the fire station that Anna worked at before she got hurt. I knew the chances of seeing any sign of her there were slim to nothing, but I didn't care. It was something I did. It was another way I held on to her. I started to slow down as I passed the parking lot side of the station. "Same as always." I knew she wouldn't be there. "She wasn't there the last fourteen times I drove by on my way home, so why should day fifteen be any different?" I knew that I needed to come to terms with what happened, but I was holding on to the slightest inkling of hope that one day, she'd be back. I just couldn't picture my life without her. Not after all that we had been through.

I made a stop at the grocery store and picked up the food for the cat and a few things I needed and drove around for a bit longer before I made a turn into a gas station parking lot so I could turn around and get back on the road to go to Warrick's. I was only gone an hour after I left him at the lab, but I knew he was anxious about hearing my side of the story, even though he'd never admit it.

I turned into the parking lot of his apartment complex and parked next to his Tahoe and followed the path up to the sidewalk and up the stairs to his apartment. I didn't even bother to knock and instead, just let myself in, "Warrick?"

"Yeah." I heard him call to me from the living room. "Come on in. Just setting up the game. Pizza is in the kitchen."

I looked at him while he was sitting on the floor setting up the Wii. "Pizza for breakfast?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "I promised I'd buy you breakfast. Didn't say what it'd be."

"Touché." I made a stop in the kitchen and grabbed a slice of our breakfast pizza before I made myself at home on the recliner in his living room. He took the sofa next to me and tossed me one of the wireless controllers. "Get ready to be annihilated, my friend."

We played half a game before I broke the silence. "What was that you were saying about me being annihilated? Looks like I'm winning, right?" I had to smile to myself at the score of 36-7 at the halftime marker of the game. "My 'pathetic ass Cowboys' in your words are mopping the floor with your Steelers. That last safety I got really helped me extend my lead over you." I hit the button on the remote to start the next quarter, "You're going down."

Warrick paused the game, "Not quite yet. Want anything to drink?"

"Yeah. Coke, tea. Whatever. I'm not picky." Warrick disappeared long enough to pour us two glasses of iced tea. I took a drink and winced, remembering how much sugar Warrick liked in his tea. "I don't think I'm gonna have any teeth left. Think you used enough sugar?"

"Still a bit sour to me." He took another drink before he set his glass down on the table as the game started up again. He pushed the buttons on the controller to start the opening kickoff as I maneuvered my player down the field to receive it. I took my eyes off my player long enough to glance over at Warrick and that was all it took. "Ha!" I looked up in time to see my receiver get hit hard and shoved back into the end zone. "Looks like I'm not dead yet, Nick." I didn't say anything back to him as another memory of Anna washed over me. I stared at the game controller in my hand a moment before I hit pause. Warrick wasn't paying attention to me when I did that. He looked over at me after pushing buttons on his controller, trying to finish the play he was trying to set up. "What'd you do that for? You're still winning."

I watched the frozen game screen on Warrick's TV, "Anna's been gone a little over two weeks."

Warrick tossed the Wii remote down on the table and took another drink of his tea. "What happened? I mean, if you want to talk."

I leaned back in the recliner and dropped the Wii remote I was holding in my lap and watched as Warrick turned the channel to something else to give us background noise. The walls in his apartment were thin and any time he had a conversation he didn't want anyone to hear, he always said he left the TV on as background noise to drown out the conversation. He flipped through channels until he stopped on the Weather Channel. "Anna got released from the hospital and I made the mistake of taking her back by my old apartment."

"Why'd you do a thing like that?"

I shrugged my shoulders and set the Wii remote on the table and stared at the map on the TV as the forecaster kept motioning to some rain bands stretching from Kentucky and down through Texas on the map. "Looks like my parents are getting soaked. Anyway, it wasn't like I wanted to. Guess I better back up so you can have the whole story. While Anna was in the hospital, Ecklie and the rest of the day shift were evidence collecting from my apartment, but you know that part already. Ecklie came to the hospital one day to tell me they were done and he gave me the green light to move my stuff out. Right before I did that, I checked with the manager about something and she said because of the damage caused to the unit, she was under the impression the owners of the complex were thinking on just kicking everyone out of that building to completely renovate it. At the time when I talked to her, the manager said it was just going to be me since it was just my apartment damaged. So, after the manager of the complex booted me out, she offered to put me in another unit, but I knew I could never live in that complex again and I knew without even asking Anna that she wouldn't want to live there, either."

"And it didn't make sense to get another apartment?"

"Not really. Anna owns her own home and it just made more sense for us to move in together. So, I hired that moving company Catherine told me about that Sam uses a lot and had them take all of my furniture out of my apartment and move it all into a storage unit. I had them get my clothes, or at least some of my clothes, and a few other items and box them up and had them taken to Anna's place out in Summerlin where we were going to stay after she got out of the hospital. We had talked about it some before she got hurt, but after what happened to her, I knew she wouldn't go back to that complex. By this time, the manager told me the owners shut down the whole building to renovate, so I asked her to refund my deposit and I'd be by to get it after Anna got out of the hospital. I had completely forgotten all about it until the morning Anna got discharged. The manager had called me earlier in the week and reminded me of my deposit check and asked that I pick up a box of stuff the movers forgot. So the day Anna got released, I had planned on leaving her at the lab with that spider of Grissom's while I went and did that, but she insisted I take her."

"What happened at the apartment? Something spook her?" Warrick took another drink from his tea glass, "Why'd she want to go back there, anyway? Isn't that a bit morbid?"

I said yes as my eyes continued watch the TV in Warrick's apartment, "I thought so myself and knew that I shouldn't do this, but Anna's a bit stubborn." I laughed, "No, she's more than a bit stubborn. She's really stubborn. Anyway, we checked out of the hospital and I told her I was going to drop her off at the lab to see Grissom's spider that he named after her while I ran some errands. When she asked me what they were, I couldn't lie to her. I never have lied to her about anything except for not telling her I saw Nigel's sister and that was more of a lie of omission, but I'll get to that in a minute. She begged me to take her and though my brain was screaming 'not just no, but hell no,' I took her anyway. I parked in front of the manager's office and told Anna to wait on me. When I went in to get my deposit check, I talked to the manager a few minutes and got that box of stuff the movers left and when I came out, Anna was gone. I cussed her and left my truck in front of the office and ran back to the back of the complex where my building was. I saw the door was open and she was standing in there, staring at the ceiling above her. The biohazard cleanup crew had already been in there and ripped up the carpet and treated the walls and floors where the blood was, but they weren't finished taking the bloody sheetrock off of the walls. Anna was standing about the same spot Nigel was in after she shot him." I had to stop talking for a minute. I was about to start crying, but I had to fight the tears off.

"Anna was the one that killed Nigel, right?"

I looked over at Warrick, "You didn't know?"

"Yeah, I did, but just wanted to be sure. Ecklie told us at the beginning that only he and Grissom were to have access to the case files that Greg and Catherine took concerning Anna's statement that she gave while she was in the hospital. Greg had told me Anna was the one that killed Nigel to save your life." Warrick exhaled sharply, "It wasn't in the case notes that we had access to at the time and only after Ecklie released his hold on the notes after IAD found nothing wrong and deemed it a justifiable act did we understand what really happened. For the longest time afterwards, Ecklie and Grissom kept that part of the investigation under wraps since IAD was investigating because of what happened given the fact that someone died at your apartment that night and seeing as how we have the jobs that we do." Warrick stopped to process what was making sense to him now after I filled in the holes in the story he was told. "Wow. I guess that explains a lot."

I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, "That wasn't what messed her up I don't think. We stayed in the apartment for a few minutes until she started crying after seeing our bedroom. She broke down again just outside the courtyard and I carried her from there and back to my truck and took her home. Other than what she told Catherine and Greg, she didn't say much about what happened right before she killed Nigel and I didn't press her. I knew she'd tell me when she was ready. She spoke some of it, but any time I tried to press her further, she shut down. She's always been like that, so I knew she'd tell me in time. All I knew was what she told Catherine and Greg that day in the hospital. I knew she wasn't telling them the whole story, but I also knew that she wouldn't omit anything that was pertinent to the case. Everything was going okay until Nigel Crane's sister walked into our lives. I had to drop off a report to Brass at the PD and apparently she was in there the day I dropped it off and found us out together one day and confronted us."

"Renee, right? Wasn't that her name? What'd she do?" Warrick looked upset at the revelation I had just dropped, "Did she try anything?"

I shook my head, "No, nothing like that and yes, that's her name. She was in town cleaning out Nigel's apartment and finishing up some loose ends with his estate and just wanted to apologize to us for what he did to both of us. She was came by work while I was at the lab finishing up on a case and told me to tell Anna that she was sorry for what her brother did, but it was a few days later that she saw Anna and me out and wanted to apologize to Anna for what Nigel put her through. I wasn't paying attention and had stepped away from Anna to talk to the seating hostess at the restaurant at the Hotel Paris and by the time Renee said who she was to Anna as I was coming back towards them, it was too late. The damage was done." I tried to shove the painful memories of that night out of my mind again, "If that wasn't bad enough, she found Anna at Wal-Mart and tried to give Anna back some of our stuff that Nigel had stolen. Renee told Anna she found it in his storage locker. Anna threw it in a Goodwill bin at the store and apparently, that's when she decided to leave. She told me she was scared Renee would finish what Nigel started. I think seeing that Nigel had a sister as unhinged as he was gave Anna more than she could handle and pushed her over the edge. As far as she and I both knew, he had no family. It wasn't until the day that she came by the lab to speak to me that I found out he even had a sister back in Georgia. Brass pulled me aside to let me know that was who that was in his office a couple days later after I dropped off that interrogation report that day she was in there. I told Brass that Nigel's sister had already found me, but I didn't know she still wanted to talk to Anna or I would have done something to stop her."

Warrick picked up the glass of sugar water he called tea and took a drink, "When'd she find Anna?"

"The first time we were together. Anna and I were out and waiting on a table at that steakhouse inside the Paris when Nigel's sister confronted us. I didn't recognize who she was at first, but when I started to head towards them to get Anna away from Renee, I could tell something snapped inside Anna. I got paged to go in to work after we got home even though it was one of my days off. I called Gris and explained what happened and he told me to stay home with Anna. I went back to work that next Tuesday and she seemed better until that night she came by." I felt my throat start to constrict as the tears started to try to force their way out of my eyes, but I kept my tears and emotions in check as I tried to figure out what to say next. "Still kills me to talk about it. Hindsight's always a bitch. I knew I should have taken more days off work and stayed home with Anna, but I didn't. I just didn't understand at the time that she was as bad off as she was. She didn't ever let on to me that she was that bad. The nightmares had stopped and she seemed happier."

Warrick remained silent as he shifted his gaze from me to the Weather Channel. He said nothing, apparently trying to find the right words. Finally, the right words came to him, "And you haven't spoken to her since then? Nothing?"

"Nope." I shook my head and picked the Wii remote up off of the table. "This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't love her. Sometimes I wish there was a pill I could take to make the love go away. But no, I haven't heard from her. Not a word. No emails, texts or phone calls. She left her phone at home so I couldn't find her. Do you think she misses me as much as I miss her?"

"Yeah. I do." Warrick picked his Wii controller up and motioned for me to hit the start button to start the game again as he flipped the input over to the AV port so we could finish our game. I hit the pause button on the game and watched as Warrick's player took possession over the ball and started making his way down field. "Like I said earlier, I've never seen two people meant for each other more than the two of you. This sounds corny and the cliché is way overused, but she completes you as much as you complete her. I've known you a lot longer than I've known her and I remember how you were before you met her and I know how you are after you met her. I can't imagine why she'd leave you for good. I also can't imagine what's been going through her head. I haven't had to kill anyone in the line of duty, and I hope and pray to God I never have to, but as a paramedic, she's trained to save lives, not kill them."

I remembered Anna and Bryan's motto that he made up for them, "We save lives, dammit." I hit a button on my remote to block a pass Warrick's player tried to throw.

"What?"

"Long story." I hadn't thought about Anna and Bryan's motto in a while. "Anna and her partner at the station use that as their motto." I still clearly remembered the day she told me that. "Funny what your brain remembers and what you forget."

"You can tell me the whole story later on." He faded off as he threw a pass to a wide receiver during a play in the game, but my player beat him there and I smiled as I took control over the game. "Cheater." He paused the game to finish our conversation. "I was distracted. I can't play and talk at the same time."

"Excuses, excuses."

"She'll come back to you. I know that. Anna will be back."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me, and I'm trying to stay positive, but…" I trailed off as I tried to find a way to finish the statement I had just made. "Hope in one hand, crap in the other and see what fills up faster. I don't want to keep getting my hopes up, only to have them fall to the ground again. It's hard enough as it is staying in her house and thinking that with each passing car on the highway in front of her house that it's her coming home to me again. The hope that she'll come back to me I can keep. That and the memories I have are all I've got left to hang on to. I just can't keep going with the disappointment day in and day out. That's what's killing me emotionally. I just don't know how much more I can go on without knowing what's going on in her mind. I can't live without her and I don't want to lose her."

"You know you can stay here if you want, right?" Warrick motioned towards the back of his apartment. "I got that spare bedroom. You're welcome to it if you want to get away from her house for a bit. Is she worth it? Is the pain she causes worth it to you?"

"It is worth it because she is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only her. No matter how painful distance and not knowing where she is can be, not having her in my life would be worse." I was getting ready to start that as I mulled over Warrick's offer, "I think…I think that I'll take you up on the offer about staying here for a little bit." I gave it some more thought as I finished letting Warrick get a couple of easy touchdowns in on me during the game, "I'm fully housebroken by the way." He started to smile at me until I sacked his quarterback for a safety, "And that one, my friend, is the game." I watched as the game graphics played out as my team celebrated the extra two points to add towards the game. "You want a knife to cut up that crow you have to eat? Ketchup? Pepper or something to make it taste a bit better?"

Warrick made a sound that sounded like it was half laugh and half groan, "I think I need to retract my previous statement about you living here if you're going to be that way. You can get your punk ass on the street for all I care." He tossed his controller on the table as soon as the final seconds ran out on the game clock. "You won. I'll give you that, but that's the last time I'll go easy on you. Another game?" He looked at me, hopeful I'd take him up on his rematch request. I consented and he picked his controller back up off the table and started the game over, determined to make me pay for what I just said. "You're welcome to stay here as long as you want. No worries and I promise you, I'll keep your secret safe."

Warrick and I played another two games with him winning the first game and me winning the second game. We debated on a fourth game, but we left the standings at me in the lead two games to Warrick's one win but vowed that we'd finish up the best of five series tomorrow after work. He left me alone in the living room to go back to his bedroom to get some sleep before work. I stayed where I was and flipped through the channels on TV, not really finding anything that caught my attention. I turned the TV off and left the remote on the end table and stretched in the recliner before getting up and heading towards the back bedroom of Warrick's apartment. I put my cell phone and keys on the table next to the bed and was about to get ready to lie down until I realized I needed some clothes to sleep in. I got my keys and went back outside and got my work bag and some clothes out of the back of my Tahoe and came back in and took a quick shower before changing and getting ready to go to bed before I had to be back at work tonight.

"So ends another night." I stared out the blinds at the sunlight outside. I checked my watch and realized it was about two in the afternoon. "Or day. Or whatever." I pulled the covers down off of the bed, but instead of getting in bed, I stared out the window of the guest room and watched as the traffic went by on the street behind Warrick's building.

The window I was looking out of faced the east. I didn't have an exact location on where Anna was, but if I had to guess, I would have guessed her to be in Arkansas with her family or with Bryan's family who now lived in Oklahoma. Bryan swore to me when I talked to him a couple nights ago that he hadn't talked to her in about four days, but as soon as he did, he said he'd tell me and let me know how she was doing. I sighed as I watched the cars go by on the street, letting my thoughts just drift where they wanted to go. For some reason, the memory of how Anna and I met was the memory that kept replaying in my mind. That memory faded into the memory of the look she gave me in the back of the ambulance when I asked her if I was going to be okay. I smiled half heartedly as I put my hand on one of the glass panes making up the window and stared at the view I had of Las Vegas in the background. "Where you used to be, there is a void. I find myself constantly walking around in it just as lost as I was before you came in my life and I hope you know that I miss you like hell." I let my hand drop to my side as I shut the blinds and got in bed. "Good night, Anna. I love you."

A/N: * No Texas Longhorns football fans were harmed in the making of this chapter *