My Way is Clear

by Simply Ginger

Nick meets a paramedic after getting injured at a crime scene. In an AU, this is their story. This is not a slash and all the characters from CSI show up eventually.

18. Never an Absolution

A/N: If you're in the mood for something light hearted and silly, check out my Titanic/CSI spoof called "Investigation: Titanic – CSI Style." That's a parody I've written about what would happen if the Titanic sank today and our CSIs were called to investigate it. It's a silly little story that came to me in a moment of insomnia and it's good for some laughs. Go check that out and reviews are always welcome.

Chapter 18 – Never an Absolution

"You up yet?" Warrick knocked on the door again. "Nick?"

"Yeah, I'm decent. You can come in." I sat down on the bed to finish tying the laces on my boots.

The door opened and Warrick peered in from the hallway. Once he saw I was fully clothed, he opened the door all the way and sat down in an arm chair that was in the corner of the bedroom. "I don't know if you're ever decent, but I knew what you were trying to say. Almost ready?"

"Yep. Just done now." I shut the closet door as I got my bag and grabbed my keys and cell phone off of the dresser. "Let's go solve some crimes." He got up and I hit him on the shoulder as I walked by. Warrick shut the light off in his living room and we walked outside together. "Ready for another night?"

He hit the button on the remote for his Tahoe. "Let's just hope it's an easy one. See you at the lab." He got in the truck and waved before he backed out and left the parking lot.

I hit the button on the remote to unlock my Tahoe. "Not me. I welcome the hard nights. The more I work, the less I think about you know who." I threw my bag in the back seat and opened the driver's door so I could get in. I shook my head and started the truck, determined to win the never ending fight to keep the memories of Anna out of my head for a little while.

When I got to the parking lot of the lab, Greg and Sara were talking as I parked my truck. They waited on me to get out of my Tahoe and the three of us walked inside together. Greg was going on about a new video game he had bought and Sara and I did our best to act like we cared. I knew Sara well enough to know that video games weren't her forte and right now, I could hardly concentrate on anything except Anna. While the three of us made our way to the conference room to start the shift, Greg either didn't notice we weren't paying attention or he didn't care as we continued to hear about the game he bought.

"There you are. I'm just about to hand out assignments." Grissom pulled his glasses out of his pocket as Sara, Greg and I took a set at the table in the conference room. He started flipping through the assignment papers. "Tonight, for Sara and Greg, you two are in charge of this 419 the Tangiers. College kids in town for their summer vacation according to dispatch. One of the guy's friends called it in. Said the kid had a 'seizure' if you know what I mean. Seems odd he'd have a seizure during the busiest time of the year for tourists coming to Vegas."

Greg reached out and got the paper from Grissom. "Kid is only 19?"

Sara took the paper from Greg as he stood up to leave. "Ten to one this kid's BAC is over .35 and it wasn't a seizure." She shook her head. "Cases like this usually are alcohol related. Later everyone."

As soon as Sara and Greg left, Grissom went back to handing out assignments. "Nick, you and Catherine get your very own 419. This one's out off Grove Highway. Looks like a hit and run. Uniform out on patrol called it in."

Grissom slid the paper across the table and Catherine got it. "At least it's not still raining." She stuck the paper in her pocket and stood up. "Looks like it's me and you, Nicky. What'd the two of you get?" She reached over and got the last remaining slip of paper out of Grissom's hand. "Another wreck. Looks like we're having a fire sale on those today. See everyone later on." She gave the assignment slip back to Grissom and she and I left the office.

I stopped by my locker to get some stuff for my field kit before I went outside. Catherine was leaned against my Tahoe. "You want to drive or should I?"

"I'll drive." I pressed the unlock button on the remote to my truck so she could get in. She opened the back door and put her field kit in the back seat before she got in the front seat.

We rode out to the crime scene in silence. I had the radio on in the background and hoped that hearing the distracting sounds of sports radio would be enough to keep Anna off my mind and keep Catherine from wanting to talk about Anna.

"You okay? You seem quiet."

I shrugged my shoulders, but never took my eyes off the road. Catherine would know if I was lying. She always said it was because she was a mother and always told us she could tell when Lindsey was lying and right now, I would prefer not to test her lie detector skills. "Just tired."

"Hmmm." Catherine gave me a look I've seen before when she teased me about Anna. "Finally get her home from the hospital. I bet you are tired. Anna doing okay?"

I winced at hearing someone else say her name. "What mile marker are we looking for?" I desperately wanted to change the subject before we got too deep in the conversation about Anna and I hoped Catherine wouldn't say anything about me avoiding her question. "I forgot what Grissom said."

I didn't even have to look at Catherine to guess the look she was giving me. "You never forget numbers. You sure you're okay?"

"Like I said, just tired. What mile marker is it?" I let out a sigh and faked a yawn in hopes I'd sell my story to her.

"Mile marker 15. We just passed 14. We should be coming up on it right about nnnn..." Catherine stopped herself as we came to a curve in the road. As got out of the curve, a sea of flashing red and blue lights greeted us. "Oooow."

I parked my Tahoe on the shoulder of the road and we both got out. As I got my field kit out of the back of my truck, I noticed an ambulance was parked just a few feet in front of my Tahoe. I prayed it wasn't Bryan's unit number. I didn't need Catherine poking her nose into Bryan's business and asking him about Anna since I wasn't saying much to anyone about her. Bryan knew Anna was gone, but he also knew that I hadn't told anyone else about her being gone with the exception of Warrick. I told him that I had no plans on telling anyone at work other than Warrick and the only reason he knew was because I was staying with him. I didn't need their sympathy and I asked that both of them keep quiet if anyone from the lab asked either of them about Anna.

I breathed a sigh of relief when we walked by the ambulance and saw that it wasn't the unit number that Bryan was using. The ambulance was from another station.

"And a good evening to you."

Catherine looked surprised to see Detective Vega at our crime scene. "Detective Vega. Haven't seen you in a while. How goes it?"

"Can't complain too much. More work than we have detectives to cover it but that's normal anywhere you go. Highway Man is up ahead, or really, parts of him are ahead. Local uniform cop on patrol saw this and called it in." He motioned behind him over to the median. "And he threw up over there, too. Can't say as I blame him much. Hasn't been on the job all that long."

I got a look at the body in the middle of the road and saw that Vega was right. Whoever hit this man was going fast enough to take both shoes and one sock off and cause compound pedestrian fractures on both of his legs as well as a nasty case of road rash. I diverted my gaze from the dead body to Vega who was standing behind me. "Got an ID on Highway Man yet?"

Vega shook his head, "Nope. Nothing in his pockets, either, but judging from how fast whoever was driving the car was going, if he had a wallet, it could have fallen out of his pockets. Uniforms are searching for the missing clothing items. Skid marks start back north of where the body is. At least whoever hit this guy tried to stop, but failed."

Catherine got her camera out and started to photograph the scene. "Tell them not to look too hard. Doubt they find the shoes. I'll get David to lift some prints for AFIS when he gets here for the body. Nick, head back that way. Check for the usual."

I started to walk in the direction of where the driver would have come from, setting out scene markers along the way. By the time I got a few hundred feet away from the victim, I was putting out marker number eight next to a bloody Nike gym shoe. I got my phone out and hit the radio button on the side of the phone to chirp Catherine so I could let her know what I found. "Got a shoe, Catherine." I put the phone back in my pocket as I set a scene marker on the ground next to a sock a few feet away from the shoe and waited on her to come to me. She snapped some photos and got out a couple of evidence bags and put the shoe and the sock in bags and took them back to my Tahoe to drop them in the evidence bin on her way back.

About three hours later, we wrapped the scene up. David was the one that made the scene and said as soon as Doc Robbins got finished with the post from Sara and Greg's case, he'd start on ours. Catherine and I finished bagging and collecting evidence and headed back to the lab to start processing.

We were working at the lab for about two hours when Catherine asked if I was hungry. After I said I was, she and I left the lab and went to a bistro inside the Excalibur Hotel that was open 24 hours a day. "Feeling better?"

"Huh?"

Catherine reached over and got some cream from the holder at the edge of the table and poured it in her coffee cup after she added some sugar. "You said you were tired earlier. You look like you got your mojo working earlier at the scene."

I took a drink of the Coke the waitress left me as we waited on our food. "Yeah, figured I would after I got out there and got to working."

The waitress appeared a bit later with our food and it didn't register on me how hungry I was until I smelled the freshly cooked bacon in front of me. "Hungrier than I thought." I started to reach over to get the syrup bottle to drown my pancakes when I froze with my hand on the bottle. I was remembering the birthday breakfast I cooked Anna and how I made fun of her for drowning her pancakes in syrup that morning. "Not now. Please, no. Not now." I tried to get the memories of that day out of my head, but I was losing a battle with my own mind. The memories were coming back to me as vivid now as they were on the day it happened.

"Not now what?" I didn't say anything. "Nick?" Catherine watched as my hand fell off the syrup bottle and into my lap. She picked the bottle up and put it in front of my plate. "You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm fine." I picked the syrup up and took the top off the bottle and let it fall with a little too much force. It bounced off the table and landed in the middle of Catherine's plate. "Sorry bout that."

She got the top out of the middle of her plate and wiped it off on a napkin before handing it to me. "You're not okay. What's wrong?"

I poured syrup on my pancakes. "I'm fine." I put the troublesome top back on the syrup bottle and slid it across the table, watching as it stopped when it hit the bin with the napkins in it. "Hungry, tired and fine."

Catherine didn't question me right away but I could tell she wanted to. She started in on her meal as we ate in silence. "How's Anna?"

"Fine." I glanced up from my plate, trying to find anything I could use to change the subject on Catherine. My half full drink caught my eye and I picked it up. "I need a refill. Where'd the waitress go?" I looked for her but didn't see her. "Figures. I need something and she takes off." I put my glass on the edge of the table as I went back to my pancakes. "Typical. How's Lindsey? She excited that school is finally out for the summer?"

"That's twice you've done that tonight." Catherine gave me a funny look, but took a bite out of her omelet. "She's fine. She's going to spend some time with a friend of hers at some church camp in northern Arizona. Her friend's grandparents live there. They leave in a week or so and Eddie talked me into letting her go. Linds really wanted to go and Eddie said he'd pay for it and Ed and I know the grandparents and have for a while, so far be it for me to argue. Seems like it's a safe bet for a few weeks for her." Catherine picked up her coffee cup and took a drink before setting it back down. "You should call Anna and have her meet us here. I haven't seen her lately." She reached across the table and pulled the holder with the sugar packets in it in front of her. The waitress stopped by and refilled Catherine's coffee and my Coke. Catherine got a sugar packet out of the holder and poured the sugar in her coffee before adding in the cream again. "She awake? You should call her if she is."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can." Catherine shook her head and tossed a sugar packet at me. "Nick, come on. Just pick up the phone and call. I won't embarrass you too much. Just get her down here. I want to see her. She's been hiding pretty well the past few weeks and I haven't seen much of her since she got out of the hospital." She reached across the table and got my phone and started to scroll through the address book listings looking for Anna's number. "I'll call then since you won't."

I pulled the phone out of her hand and put it in my pocket where it was out of her reach. "Cath, I can't call her and neither can you. Okay? Just drop it!" I shoved my chair back from the table and got up. "I have to go. I'll see you back at the lab. I'll walk." I took one last drink from my glass before setting it back down. I got a ten dollar bill out of my wallet and tossed it on the table before I left the restaurant, ignoring Catherine's pleas for me to wait on her.

Even though she drove us both over here from the lab, I really didn't feel like riding back with her. I just couldn't handle the questions right now.

I was already across the street at the Luxor, standing in front of the hotel before Catherine caught up to me. I heard the sound of her shoes hitting the concrete sidewalk behind me and I stayed where I was and let her catch up to me. "Jeesh, Nicky. I didn't mean to hit a sore spot with you. I just haven't seen Anna in a while and wanted to see her."

I kicked a pebble that was on the ground in front of me. I watched as it went sailing over the fence rails at the Luxor and into one of the fountains in front of the hotel. "So do I."

"Well that's easy. Just go home. You can see her then."

"No. I can't see her. She's not there." I stuck my hands in the pockets of my jeans. "She's not home."

"Where is she? I know she hasn't been cleared to go back to work yet has she?"

"No. She hasn't."

Catherine put her hands on my shoulder and turned me around to face her. She saw a couple of people coming towards us and pulled on my forearm and brought me closer to the wrought iron railings around the fountain outside the hotel. "What do you mean she's not home and you wish you could see her?" I didn't say anything. "Nick, talk to me. Please. What's going on?"

I took my hands out of my pockets and grabbed the railings of the fence. In my frustration of having to talk about this and dealing with the pain, I tried to bend the wrought iron without having any luck. "I don't know if I can talk about her."

"You don't need to break the fence, Nick." Catherine turned around and leaned against the railings so she could see me as I kept my eyes on the water fountain. "Just talk to me. What's wrong with Anna?"

I let go of the railings and folded my arms across my chest. "Anna's gone, Cath. She's been gone about a month. She left and I don't know where she is."

"What do you mean she's gone and you don't know where she is?"

"Did you not hear me? Was I speaking French? Anna is gone. She's not home and I don't know where she is. She left me a note one day about a month ago and said she couldn't deal with what was going on right now and that if I loved her, I wouldn't try to find her right away." I leaned against the fence and faced out towards the street like Catherine was. I watched the people on the street in front of us milling about. "She left me. She's gone. The most important person to ever enter my life is gone. She's the most important person to me now. She's the most important person to me ever and she's gone and I'm all alone."

"Oh, Nick, I'm sorry. I didn't know." Catherine put her hand on my arm as a sign of comfort. "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you try to stop her? You guys are perfect for each other. You know, it's…it's like everyone would look at you and Anna and we see you together and we all know that it just fits. You know? I think that's part of the reason I pushed you so hard to call her. I knew it, but you needed some help and true love, I've come to understand after watching the two of you, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. It's a hell of a lot more complicated than that. What happened?"

I let out a sigh knowing there was no way out of this. "I know we're good together. She is the only person I can be myself with, even if I don't know who the hell that is right now because she's gone. We understood each other and we care about each other and I'd like to believe that years from now, even after everything we've been through, we still will. She taught me a sense I never knew I had. I like that someone like her sees something in me or saw something I guess would be the appropriate way for it to be worded now seeing as how she's not here anymore. I'd rather have bad times with her than good times with someone else."

"I know you would." Catherine held out her arm. "Walk with me. Tell me what happened if you want to or if you want, just vent. Yell. Scream. Stomp. Get it all out of your system."

I put my arm through hers and together we walked without having a real direction as to where we were going. "You remember when I told you about Nigel's sister confronting me at the lab, right?"

"Yeah, she didn't try anything did she?"

I shook my head, "No, she didn't. I didn't even know who she was at the time. I had to run by the station and drop off an investigation report with Brass and at the time, I didn't know who the lady was in his office. I left the station and went back to the lab to get finished with the work from the case Warrick and I worked earlier in the shift. I finished with that and got my stuff so I could leave and get home in time to see Anna before her therapy when the dark haired lady stopped me. Come to find out, that was Nigel's sister. She didn't try anything but wanted to apologize for what happened. She told me to tell Anna the same. I left the lab and went home to see Anna but she was already gone for the morning. I didn't see how telling her who I ran into would help her any, so I didn't tell her about meeting his sister. A few days later, we were out at the Hotel Paris waiting on a table and Nigel's sister saw me walk away from Anna and before I could stop her, Renee introduced herself to Anna and that's when Anna flipped out and gave Renee a dose of her inner Sparta. She and Renee had it out in the parking lot again as we were waiting on the valet to bring me my truck. I took Anna home and when I got paged that night to come in early for work, Anna asked if I could call in which I did. I stayed home and she said she was fine and I believed her. Her nightmares had all but stopped by this time and she was happier for the first time since she got shot. She was actually coming out of her shell. I thought she was okay, but apparently she wasn't. Anna called me at work one day a little bit later and she sounded awful. Renee found her again and I guess Renee thought she was doing something good by trying to give Anna some stuff she found in Nigel's store room. Anna threw it in a donation bin and came by work to see me. She seemed off but I chalked it up to seeing Renee. When I got home after my shift was over with, she was gone."

Catherine stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Oh, Nicky, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I really am. How are you holding up?"

"The English language fails to have a word to describe the depths of sadness and how my heart can feel heavy, how my stomach can drop to my feet or how missing someone as bad as I miss Anna can cripple me. There aren't words and with every passing moment is just keeps getting worse. Answer your question?" I regretted snapping at Catherine the instant I said what I did. I shook my head, "Cath, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

She waved her hand, "It's okay. I can't say if I were in your shoes I wouldn't snap either. It was a dumb question for me to ask. I already knew you were upset. I didn't expect you to be doing cartwheels in the street because Anna is gone. I'm sorry, Nick. I shouldn't have asked."

"Anyway, I'm fine. I mean I'm not fine, but I am fine. I mean, I'm fine in that area but not that she's gone from my life." I shook my head. "That makes no sense. Everything isn't just fine. I couldn't possibly think that I could hurt any more than I do right now. I'm not over it obviously, but little by little, it's getting easier to pretend that it's easier for me to deal with her being gone which means easier must be close by or I'm just nuts for holding on to her."

"Nick, you have always been a horrible liar." Catherine started walking again as we moved around the other people on the streets. Even as late as it was, the streets of Vegas were never empty. "There are things that we don't want to happen, but we do have to accept them when they happen. I know you didn't want Anna to leave. Anyone can see that. There are things in life we don't want to learn and don't want to have to face, but we have to. Basically, life sucks."

"Yeah it does. I just wish there were rules on how to act. Guidelines. Something concrete. I'm allowed to break the rules when I want someone bad enough. I know everyone probably wants me to let it and her go. They don't think she's right for me seeing what she's put me through. Well, I need her. I don't want to let her go so I'm going to keep holding on tight until she realizes that she needs me, too. I've tried to let go. I try. Lord, I've tried to bury these feelings deep down, so deep that I'm sure no one could tell something's wrong. To the outside world, I had to smile and act like nothing is wrong or will ever be. I wanted everyone to think that everything was fine. For a while, even I believed everything's just perfect until I come out of the fog and realize she's still gone. Then it hits me just like with the syrup earlier. Why is it that no matter how much pain it endures by holding on, the heart refuses to let go? Pretending that it's not over can only get me so far. Do you think she's coming back? I mean, really coming back to me? Or am I holding on to nothing to save my life? No matter what I do, I can't get her off my mind. I'm not so sure I want her off my mind, either, but if she's not coming back, then I guess I need to find a way to let her go. I have to remind myself it's not worth it."

"Sometimes, it's the things that don't hurt at all that make you cry. There are no guidelines for situations like these. If there are rules, I sure don't know what they are. The truth is, everyone's going to hurt you. It happens to all of us. It's in our nature to be wired like that. No matter how selfless someone is, it's a given that we will hurt someone no matter what. You just have to decide who is worth the pain. Is the pain worth it to you to wait on her?"

"It is worth every lonely night. She's worth every tear I cry from missing her and the pain I am going through because she's not here with me. Anna is who I want, but if she doesn't come back, then I…I don't know. She has no idea what she does to me. She makes me feel more emotions in one second than I would normally feel in one year. I don't get how one person can do that. Isn't it funny how I can go without thinking about Anna for four hours in a row, but a song or a bottle of pancake syrup..." I stopped, trying to find the words, "In just in an instant, it can change all that and then the pain comes back and that hollow space she left is feeling more and more like the Grand Canyon with every second that goes by. Do you think she'll be back?"

Catherine stopped at an intersection as we waited on the light to change colors. "Yeah, I do. I do think she'll come back to you. I'd bet my life on it so don't you dare forget about her. Don't think like that. She will be back. The wrong ones can't hurt you. It's the right ones that can and do and will shred you to pieces in an instant. The right ones are the ones that kill you."

"My mother used to always say that if a girl I met was special enough to me, she could say something really small that would fit perfectly into a big empty space in my heart. Right now, my space is pretty big again. I…I don't know. I wish it didn't hurt so much."

"It hurts because you feel it. It hurts because she means so much to you. It hurts because you're alive. You love her and I know that. Because you do, that generates a lot of power and a whole lot of feelings."

"So if I don't get attached to people, then it won't hurt so much?" I couldn't even begin to fathom my life without Anna.

"You know that'd never work, Nick. I know you better than that. You've been alone too long." Catherine smiled, "My mother used to tell me something similar. She always said Sam made her feel that way about how he said something to her and that was all it took. I've learned from experience that you don't choose who your heart follows. You follow who your heart chooses. Let me guess, Anna said something to you that filled a space you didn't know you had?"

"Yeah, she did." I exhaled sharply. "In a big way."

The light changed colors and after looking both ways, we started to cross the street. Catherine and I got to the other side of the street before she said anything to me. "What'd Anna say to you?"

"Hello."

"Amazing how one word can have such a huge impact on our lives, isn't it?"

"Yes." I pondered Catherine's question as I smiled as I remembered the first time Anna and I met. "She said hello to me first then I told her I needed help and she said 'don't we all.' Those were the first words she said to me that very first day we met after I tripped over that flower pot. I said hello and told her I needed help and Anna said that to me. That was the first time I got a chance to actually talk to her after watching her for so long. That was also the last time I saw myself without her in my life."

"I remember that day." Catherine nudged me in the ribs with her elbow. "And if I hadn't grabbed your phone away from you that night, you would have never called her. Course right now, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. You wouldn't be going through all of this if I didn't grab your phone."

"How true but I'm not mad at you. I couldn't imagine my life the past months without Anna in it." I watched the crosswalk sign change as the stop light changed colors at another crosswalk we came to in our aimless walk. "So does this get better? Or does it hurt worse? Is this what I have to look forward to? Is this where I'm supposed to say I've had enough? Is this where I'm supposed to give up and move on, but knowing I can't?"

"And you shouldn't." Catherine stopped walking and moved in front of me so she could see me. "It won't get any easier until she comes back, Nicky. Anna will come back. I know she will. She loves you. I could see that. Even though she's not here, I can still see that she does love you. Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about."

Catherine moved back to my side and put her arm through mine as we continued walking. "Cath, it's just strange when you've got everyone telling you something like she will come back. I just want proof. I know everyone says she'll come back and Lord knows I hope she does, but I need proof while I wait on her. My whole world has been thrown off balance since she left. I'm on autopilot. "

Catherine and I continued our walk as she thought about what to say next. "Nick, love doesn't walk away. People do. Anna still loves you. I know you know that deep down. I know you want her to come back, right? If it isn't complicated, then she probably isn't the one you're supposed to be with. If it's too easy or if the road doesn't have enough obstacles, how can you truly tell if what you have will last without the obstacles? It's the obstacles in life that make us stronger. You win some, you lose some. Things don't always work out how they are 'supposed' to work out. I think that if it's meant to be, a way will be found."

"I hope so too. That's all I have been able to think about since she left me. I not only want her to come back, I need her. I can't go on without her. I realize we hadn't spent a lifetime together like some people, but when I was around her for as long as I was, I changed. She became part of who I am. Anna left and that changed everything and now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live with it being just me. I'm used to it being Anna and me. I haven't thought about myself as just me in months. I don't even know where to begin to define myself without Anna." I felt something catch inside of me. "Just when I think I'm doing better, something happens. Just when I think I'm finally going to get through an entire hour without choking off tears when someone says her name or something happens like the syrup at the restaurant that reminds me of how happy I was with her. Someone points out something to me and it hits me all over again and it's just as shocking now as it was a month ago when she left and it's 'Hello Square One! Nice to see you again.' I feel like I'm useless without her."

"I know. I've been there. We all have." Catherine moved around me and to press the button on the crosswalk at the next intersection we came to in our meaningless journey. "As much as I hated Eddie at the end of our marriage for everything he put me through, it was hard as hell on me. It's much harder than I thought it'd be. There were more emotions in our relationship than I thought there would be. Love isn't something that can be turned on and off and believe me, there are a million other people who like you wish that it could be." Catherine's phone started ringing as we were walking across the street. She let go of my arm long enough to reach in her pocket to get her phone. "Willows." She held it up to her ear with her right hand as she put her left arm through mine again. "Yeah, just have Brass go on and get it. Tell him we'll be there in a little bit and he's with me. We've got something we've got to take care of."

After we were through the intersection, I started watching the people around us as Catherine finished up her phone call. I left her where she was to finish up her call while I watched the couples go by, hand in hand and once again, it reminded me of Anna. I started to make a mental trip down memory lane again when the night of Anna's birthday came to me, but I stopped myself. I was sick and tired of every time I saw anything, it reminded me of Anna.

"Sorry about that. Grissom got long winded. Where were we?" I held out my arm and she took it after shutting her phone. "Wallowing in self pity?"

"I think we were looking for an overpass that you could shove me off of or a busy intersection where I could go lie down in traffic. If we go for the overpass, it'd need to be something really tall that when I hit the ground at the end, I wouldn't feel pain anymore."

"I know you're joking so I'll play along." Catherine put her phone back in her pocket. "There's always the top of the Luxor or the Eiffel Tower at the Paris or you can do a cannonball off the top of the Statue of Liberty at the New York New York. Being serious now, I know how you feel, Nicky. Leaving never hurts as much as being left behind. It's absurd who you love and why and how you can't turn it off when you desperately want to."

"One of the great injustices of life right there."

"We have to head back to the lab. We need to turn around. Grissom was wondering where we had gone off to." After pushing another crosswalk button again, we waited on the light to cycle through so we could cross. "Being broken hearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside, everything looks fine. No one can tell but on the inside, it hurts like hell. Every breath hurts. Every movement hurts. Every day it hurts."

"How do you come up with stuff like this? Broken ribs?" The light finally changed colors and Catherine and I started walking across the street. "Is there a book or something I need to check out of the library? Good Advice for the Hopelessly Romantic?"

Catherine laughed, "No, it's called being a woman, Nick. Women are more in tune to the finer aspects of relationships, especially when it comes to picking up the pieces after the bomb is dropped. When Eddie and I called it quits for good, I never thought I'd feel as bad as I did when he left. I never understood why it was I could hurt in places I didn't know I had inside. It didn't matter how many fights we had or how many nights I told him I was leaving or how many nights he didn't come home. We loved each other and that was what hurt the most. It would have been different if I didn't care. For the longest time after we divorced, I'd go to bed and wonder 'what if.' I'd wonder what I did wrong or how I could have done something different. Most nights, I stayed awake wondering how in the hell I could have thought that we were happy. I'd wonder with all of the crap that he put me through, how in the hell did I consider myself happy? Sometimes I could convince myself I was better off without him, and now looking back, I know I am. At the time, I didn't think I'd get through it, but I did."

I winced, "You do know you're not helping me much right now. You're really kind of depressing me actually."

"I have a happy, upbeat point. I promise."

I hit the button at the next crosswalk. "I hoped so. I really didn't want this to be a 'Make Me Feel Worse than I Already Do' or a 'Drive Nick to Suicide' type of lecture seeing as how we're passing the New York New York hotel now. I'm all ears."

The light changed right after I hit it again. Catherine stayed quiet until we were across the street and back on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the road. "It's hard to be the one who has to be left behind. When someone you love disappears, it's like the light in your life that you were walking with goes dim and you're lost and in the shadows. The path that was once so bright and your way that was so clear is now so dark and cloudy that you that you can't see. You try to do what people tell you to do. You do your job. You know that you're only doing as much as possible to get by and no more. My point of this long and pointless lecture is that you need to hold on. Hold on to the hope that she will come back. I know she will. You may not see it and she may not see it, but I see it. Nick, I've known you a long time. I've never seen you act like you do with Anna around anyone you've ever dated in the past. I saw that the first time I saw the two of you together at that crime scene. You were stumbling over yourself that night whether you want to admit it or not. I had to force you to go see her to get treated. I had to dial the phone for you because you didn't want to call her. I saw it again after we met at that pancake place but that seems like eons ago. It was right after you first came back to work after tripping. Remember that?"

I shook my head, "Yes."

"You were happy. You finally had a reason to actually be alive. Anna was that reason. Anna is that reason still. If you just hold on to that, hold on to the happiness and find the courage to face the days without her for right now, I promise you, she will come back. She will make it okay again. She belongs with you as much as you belong with her." We finally made it back to the casino we were at earlier. I got in the passengers side of her Tahoe while she walked around to the driver's side and got in. "I promise you."

"What if she doesn't? What if she never comes back?" I looked at Catherine, hoping she'd be able to answer that question for me. "What then?"

"You won't have to worry about that. She'll come back."

"I just wish I was as sure as you were. Guess it's always easier looking in from the outside." I looked out the window as she started the truck. I turned my attention back to her and watched as she reached behind her and started to pull the seatbelt out to put it on. "That sick feeling keeps washing over me and I don't know how much more I can take. There's no worse feeling in the world than when I wake up and feel okay for a minute, then I realize it's not okay. I'm at Warrick's, my bed is empty and Anna's still gone and then my world crashes again."

Catherine put her seatbelt on and backed out of the parking space we were in. "It'll be okay, Nicky."

"You know how people say that? How do they know? How do they know that it'll be okay? People say that because they can't think of anything else to say I guess. Still doesn't make it any easier."

I heard Catherine sigh. "I know. It's lame. It's like hearing someone died and your automatic response is 'I'm sorry' even if it happened thirty years ago. I mean, what else are we supposed to say? 'Hot damn, he's dead!' or maybe 'Hallelujah, she's gone. Now where's the inheritance check?' That's one question I don't have the answer to."

I didn't answer her right away. I found myself dumbstruck, staring at Catherine. Suddenly I didn't know whether I wanted to scream or burst into tears.

Giving me no chance to form a retort, she continued. "It's like missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen her. It's about the very moment when you're doing something and you wish that she was here with you. It's like waking up from a really good dream and just wanting to go back to sleep so you can feel it again."

"Endlessly, but the moment never comes." I stayed quiet as she made the last turn onto the street that would take us back to the crime lab. "You're good with words and with the advice. Really good. I just want normal again. I want to get back to normal. I want the normal that included Anna in my life. I want the normal where I'd get a random text at three in the morning after she cleared a scene to tell me she loved me. I want the normal knowing that when I get off work, Anna would be at home waiting on me. I want the normal of walking in on her in her PJs and watching her singing MMMBop in the kitchen or singing some other song as she folded clothes or was bathing the dog. I want her." I stopped talking as she pulled into a parking spot at the lab. "I just want things to go back to the way they were with Anna in my life instead of her being a ghost that haunts me and causes pain every which way I turn." Catherine started to shut the truck off, but she stopped herself. "Is that too much to ask?"

Catherine shook her head. "No, and I know you do. We've all been there before at one point in time and it's not too much to ask. It's all any of us want. Love is everything that it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. That's why it's worth fighting for. That's why it's worth being brave and risking everything for. That's why you have to hold on to the hope Anna will come back because she will. The way the world is and how it's so seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you. It's so rare. Remember sadness is always temporary, Nicky."

"Warrick asked me the other day if it was worth it. He asked me if Anna was worth all the pain I was in right now. I told him the thing was that the happiness I felt when I'm with her is unlike any happiness I've ever felt." I gripped the door handle in frustration at the thought of the pain this conversation was going to bring me later.

Catherine reached over and pulled my left hand off the door handle. "Before you break it or you can explain to Grissom why you broke my door handle." She held onto my hand. "Normal is all any of us want, Nicky."

"It's the sadness is what's killing me. The sadness and the loneliness." I dropped my other hand off the door handle. "It's the long periods of time when the happiness is gone. It's unlike anything I've ever felt."

"You want to know why?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "Sure. Why not. I could use the perspective."

Catherine unbuckled her seatbelt and started to open the door. "It's because there hasn't been anyone like Anna in your life until now. No one else has mattered to you in the way Anna did. What was the name of the girl you dated last summer? The one Greg introduced you to? Her name was what? Peyton? Gillian? Shannon? Something that ended with an n sound?"

"Uh, Lauren. I think her name was Lauren. That lasted all of two dates."

"See." She shut the truck off and opened the door. "And the one before that?"

I remembered Brandy. I met her a few months before Greg introduced me to Lauren. "You're doing this to me to make a point, right?"

"Doing what?"

"Making me feel bad by bringing up failed relationships."

"Point is that there hasn't been anyone you cared about as much as Anna until now. That's why it hurts so much for you to be apart from her and why you didn't act that way after Lauren and whatshername. Anna has been the only one to affect you like this because she's so important to you."

"I don't know if I can live with this pain much longer. I just don't know anything anymore. I feel like I can't be around anyone right now because I'm so miserable. I don't want to infect anyone else with my miserableness."

Catherine laughed, "Miserableness?"

I smiled. "Hey, I'm from the south. We make up our own words." I started to laugh. "I needed that. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Catherine didn't go inside right away. Instead, she went to one of the benches that were outside the lab and sat down. "Didn't think you wanted to go in right away."

"I don't." I sat down on the bench and looked up at the night sky. "Can't see the stars. Too much extra light outside."

"That's Vegas for you."

"What kills me is that ever since she left, I can sit here and stare at nothing and see her in everything. I still remember every expression on her face. I remember the sorrow. I remember the happiness. I remember the look she gave me when I told her I loved her for the first time. I remember the look of relief that day in the hospital after she woke up from her first surgery when she realized I was okay. I remember the look she gave me when I was regaining consciousness after I got hurt. I remember the look she had on her face after…" I interrupted myself when I felt the sadness coming on about what I was about to say. "I remember the fear in her eyes after she shot Nigel. I remember the look of pain when I held her in my arms as we waited on the police to show up after she killed Nigel. I remember the fight in her eyes as she tried to stay alive for me. I remember the look she had on her face as she was reciting that poem to stay conscious. I remember the look she gave me at the karaoke bar that night. I remember the look she gave me when she treated me that first day we met. I remember the look she shot Bryan that same day so she could be the one to treat me. I remember it all and it's at times like this, I wish I couldn't. I just can't believe I miss her this damn much." I couldn't stop the tears from coming, but Catherine was one person I wasn't ashamed to cry in front of. I knew she wouldn't judge me.

"You miss her that damn much because you love her that damn much." Catherine reached over and took one of my hands in hers. "The pain stops when she comes back and she will come back. I believe that she will. I know that she will. Have faith."

"You seem so sure." I looked down at the ground, trying to hide the fact that the tears were still present. "I'm not sure anymore. I don't know if what I have is faith or stupidity that I'm holding on to so tightly."

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding on to." Catherine stopped and waved to a LVPD officer in a squad car that drove by us before continuing. "After Eddie and I split up, I was a wreck. My mother wasn't much help considering she never liked Eddie to begin with, so I turned to Sam. I knew no matter what, he'd tell me the truth. He always explained to me that loving someone and then losing them is like losing an arm or a leg after an accident. He told me that his dad lost an arm when he was younger because of an accident he was in. Sam said that when people first lose a limb, they feel it there and it still hurts and they'll do anything to numb the pain. He said a body part would be easier to lose and I have to agree with him on that one. Eventually, the brain realizes that it's not there anymore and he'd eventually move on. He said losing an arm he could deal with. It's the people that he cared about the most that he couldn't live without. The heart never learns."

"Now I know why I like you so much." I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. "I'm beginning to think the phrases 'love' and 'excruciating, agonizing, gut wrenching pain' can be used interchangeably. I think I'll go anti-love from here on out. Butterflies in the stomach. Heart skipping beats. I'm no expert, but that can't be healthy on a body."

"Smart ass. You know that'll never work." Catherine noticed a few people walking out the door of the lab and didn't say anything until they were out of earshot. "Pain makes us who we are. It teaches us. It tames us. It can destroy us in one instant and save us in the next. It's the keys to our kingdom and the skeletons in our closets. It's capable of taking our breath away and giving it back. You'll just have to breathe deep and wait on her to come back. It plays unfair when it hits you below the belt and doesn't let up. The truth is, you can't outrun it. You can't hide from it. The only way it'll go away is when Anna comes back. It won't be a question of 'if' Anna comes back. It'll be when Anna comes back."

I sighed. "And you're sure she will?"

Catherine stood up. "I would bet my life on it. She loves you too much to stay away from you forever. Look at what all the two of you have been through so far and it hasn't even been a year yet. I can see the connection you and Anna have. I've never known two people more meant for each other than you and her. I saw it the first day she treated you after you about killed yourself over that flower pot. I saw it the next time you were at work after you spent those days off with her. Life may not be a perfect circle. Your journey may take you up and down the mountains a few times, but eventually, it'll work out."

"Why do relationships have to be so hard?" I let out an exasperated breath. "One of the great mysteries of life I guess."

The wind picked up and blew a loose strand of hair in Catherine's face. She used her hands to smooth out her hair and tucked the fly away strand behind her ear. "The only thing harder in life than being in love is being alone."

"Touché." It took a minute for what Catherine said to sink in. "You got me on that one. Makes sense though. It is hard being alone."

Catherine and I got up and together we walked to the door to go in. She held the door to the lab open for me. "Now let's go solve some crimes."

I followed Catherine back to the lab and we finished processing what we collected earlier. After we finally reached a stopping place, I went down to the locker room and got my stuff so I could leave. Warrick met me in the hallway on my way down and said he was due in court in a little bit and would be late getting home which meant I'd be alone in the apartment.

I left the lab quickly to keep anyone from stopping me. I wasn't in a big hurry to get to Warrick's empty apartment, but I was in a hurry to get away from work.

I got a parking spot right in front of the sidewalk that led to Warrick's building. Grabbing my stuff out of the back of the Tahoe, I hurried up the sidewalk and unlocked the door to his apartment and pushed it open. I got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator before heading back to the bedroom I was using. I threw my bag and keys on the floor and tossed my cell phone on top of the dresser. I pulled the shirt I had on off and tossed it in the corner of the room before I fell on my back on the bed. I stared at the ceiling as I watched the blades on the ceiling fan spin. I got up and reached in my bag and pulled out a picture of Anna and me. I took it down out of my locker about two weeks ago and put it in my bag. I didn't want to see her every time I opened my locker. "My hands are glued to my side but they're aching just to touch you." I ran my fingers over her image. "Anna, Anna, Anna. Where for art thou my Anna?" I laughed. "I know that quote doesn't really work, but you get the idea." I went to lie back in the bed, still holding onto the picture above me so I could see it. "I need you back. I don't know why you left me. I don't understand it." I rolled over on my stomach and put the picture on the pillow next to me. I folded the edge of the pillowcase up so I could prop the picture up and stare at it as I was lying down. "Seems kind of stupid I'm talking to a picture, but you're not here and I miss you. I call your phone just to hear your voice on the voicemail message even though I know you won't answer. I need you. I know you said you need some time apart from everything, but I've got a broken heart and you're the only one that knows how to fix it." I picked the picture up and ran my fingers over it again. "It's like I woke up today and I was finally brought out of whatever coma I was in. It hit me. It was my rude awakening today. I thought I hit that the day I got home and found your note. Today, it hit me and hit me hard. It reminded me of being back in Texas when I was a kid. I'd be outside playing with my sisters or my neighbors and it'd be hot as hell outside. I'd come inside and the cool air from the house would make me catch my breath when I went from the heat outside to the air inside. I went from one extreme to another." I pulled the pillowcase back up to prop the picture back on it again. "When you drop something on the ground, it makes a sound, right? Why is it when my heart breaks, it doesn't make a sound? When you drop a glass or a window shatters or a table falls, it makes a noise. It makes a noise loud enough for everyone to hear. You'd think that with the heart being so vital for life, it'd make the biggest sound when it breaks. The only sound I hear is silence. I guess that's the loudest sound of all." I stared at Anna in the picture. "I love you. I don't know where you are, but I love you. I'm trying to stay positive that you'll come back, but I don't know. Please." I picked the picture up in my hand. "Anna, please. Don't leave me. I miss you so much that it hurts and I wish you were here with me. I am pretty numb at this point."

I left the picture where it was and got up to take a shower and change into something I could sleep in. I was actually surprisingly tired for some reason. I checked up front and Warrick still wasn't home yet. I changed into a t-shirt and some gym shorts and got back in bed. Before turning the lights in the room off, I cast one last glance at the picture on the pillow next to me. As I picked it up once again, I smiled at the photo. I set it gently on the table next to the bed and propped it up against the lamp. "How's that quote go from that show you are forced to watch at work? 'At the end of the day, you either focus on what separates you or what holds you together.' You hold me together, even when you're not with me. The sparkle in your eye put the stars to shame. The first time I saw you was the last time I saw my heart. I love you, Anna." I shut the light off and pulled the covers up and over my head and waited on the dreams of Anna to fill my head as I slept.

Anna

"Anna?" I heard my sister's voice behind me, but I ignored her. "Anna?"

Realizing she wasn't going to go away until I acknowledged her, I rolled my eyes and sat up. "Yeah?"

She took a few steps toward me and sat down on the wooden box that was at the edge of the deck that I was sitting on. "Hungry? Eric just made dinner."

I shook my head and took my shoes off and went to lie back on the deck. I let my legs hang over the edge so I could stick my feet in the water below me. "No, I'm not but thank you."

"Anna, you need to eat." Samantha groaned and stood up. I knew that sound enough to know it was exasperation, and not because she cared. It was because she was sick of me acting this way. "Did you go to your physical therapy session today?"

"Yes, mommy." I kept my head turned towards the water so she couldn't see the look I gave her. "The physical therapist says for me to finish this week and part of one more week and I'll be done. She said my healing is progressing ahead of schedule."

"Anna."

"What?" I still didn't look over at her. When she didn't speak, I sat up and turned around. "Yes?"

"Really. If you miss him that much, then go home." My sister looked down at me as I shook my head and went to lie back down. "It's obvious you're miserable without him. If Nick means that much to you, which obviously he does or you wouldn't be this monotonous, go back to Las Vegas." She started walking towards the edge of the deck to go back to the house. "You sure aren't worth anything here."

I sighed, "I wish it was that easy, Sam. If the nightmares and memories weren't so vivid in my head on top of the sister coming after me, I wouldn't have ever left. Every time I turned around, I wondered if she was nearby with my head in her gun sights. That was the part that scared me the most. Plus now that I've gone, what happens if I go back and he doesn't want me? Then what?"

My sister sighed, "Then you move on."

I wondered why I bothered talking to my sister about this. "Sam, I know you don't get it because apparently the most traumatic experience you've ever experienced has been when the florist put daisies in your bouquet for your wedding rather than lilies. No wonder you can't go near a florist anymore without that horrifying look you had on your face when Aunt Gwen handed you that bouquet of tulips and daisies. That's how I feel, only a thousand times worse except I almost died twice from my experience. Your horrifying experience just didn't match the bridesmaids' gowns." I shook my head and sat up again so I could look at her. "If I'm that much of a pain in your ass, I'll go to Bryan's parents' house. Just let me know if I need to leave and I'll be gone again." I was hoping that my sister would take the hint and leave me alone.

"I'll do us both a favor and not even comment on the flowers. I'm not kicking you out. I told you that you could stay as long as you needed and I mean that. You are my sister. I just wish I knew what to do with you. I wish you knew what to do with yourself." Sam looked at me and turned to leave, muttering something in French about me needing to wake up and do something with my life and walked off back to the house.

"Avez-vous oublié? Je parle français aussi, ma soeur." I know I said my smartass remark loud enough for her to hear me, but she didn't have a retort or if she did, she didn't say it loud enough for me to hear. She kept walking back towards the house. "Bitch." I shook my head and went back to my solitude. She was about halfway up the gravel path when I looked up once more to make sure she wasn't watching me. I kept an eye on her until she made it to the top of the hill where the house was and she was out of my view.

I stayed where I was for the rest of the afternoon and watched as the afternoon sun gave way to the darkening night sky. I kept my seat at the deck that hung over one edge of the pond on my sister's property. My feet were hanging over the edge of the deck which had become my home away from home since I got here. I kicked my feet around in the water as I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of nature surround me. It was just about dusk and the lightning bugs flitted around in the darkness in the trees at the edge of the pond. The light show they put on provided entertainment for me until I realized the mosquitoes would be out shortly thereafter and I had to either go inside or find some bug spray. I got a can of Off out of the built in tackle box my sister was sitting on earlier as I kept my legs in the water, continuing to kick my feet under the water's edge and watching as the splashes made ripples in the pond. I sat up and used the bug spray on my legs and arms as I leaned back and stared up at the night sky and watched as the stars came out for the night. The wind picked up a little bit and I relaxed as I heard the wind blow through the beans in the field behind my sister's house. It was peaceful. It was quiet. It was what I needed. The words to 'Caledonia' came to me as I was lying down. I closed my eyes again and with my voice barely above a whisper, I sang the words that were in my head. 'Let me tell you that I love you, that I think about you all the time. Caledonia, you're calling me, now I'm going home. But if I should become a stranger, know that it would make me more than sad. Caledonia's been everything I've ever had.'

I had been here a couple of weeks and some mornings after my therapy session was over with, I'd call Bryan and check in. He didn't know where I was and I used a calling card and a pay phone so he couldn't trace the call. After I spoke to him, I'd come down here to get away. I loved my sister, but I just needed to be alone. That's why I left Vegas. I asked Bryan if he thought Nick would be angry at me and though Bryan assured me Nick wasn't mad, I just couldn't do it. I was scared of the ramifications of my actions. I wasn't ready to face the fact that Nick may not want me back anymore.

I stayed where I was until it got too dark to see. The moon was overhead with a few clouds in the sky, but it provided a enough light through the cloud cover for me to see where I was going. I put the can of Off back in the tackle box on the deck and I stood up and dusted the grass and dirt off of the shorts I had on and bent down to pick my shoes up before I slowly made my way back up the gravel path to my sister's back door. I knew by now she'd already be in bed and I didn't have to worry about the nervous glances that she kept casting in my direction when she didn't think I was looking. My parents had been here for about a week and they also kept a watchful eye on me while they were here.

I started up the wooden porch steps to my sister's house and peered in through the kitchen windows when I got to the back door. I watched as a few lightning bugs flew around in jagged patterns just out of my reach. It was my nightly routine that before I went to bed, I'd stop and say something to Nick, knowing there was no way possible he'd even hear me and considering what I had done to him, not sure if he even cared anymore. I closed my eyes and listened as the locusts provided the soundtrack to the dark place in my life that I was permanently stuck in. I turned to face the dark western sky again. "I'm sorry, Nicky." I pulled the door open and stepped inside, opening the main door to the house and stepped inside as I listened as the screen door gently shut before I quietly shut the main door and locked it. I stared hard at the phone hanging on the wall in the kitchen. After checking the time, I picked it up off the cradle and hit the talk button. I heard the dial tone and started to dial Nick's number. I got the area code and the exchange numbers punched in before I stopped and stared at the phone in my hand. I hit the end button on the phone and put it back in the cradle, leaving my hand on the phone after I hung it up. I finally dropped my hand to my side as I opened the door to the fridge and got out a bottle of water before I took the steps at the back of the house up to the room I was staying in. Silently walking up the steps, I saw that my sister's door was shut and my two nephews had their doors shut as well. "Everyone's asleep. Good." I changed out of the clothes I was in outside and into a t-shirt that I slept in and reached over for my iPod. I put the headphones on and pushed play as I went to lie down on the bed and pulled the covers up across my chest.

"So ends another night." I closed my eyes and listened to the songs that played on my iPod, but I was restless. Leaving my iPod on the bed, I got up out of bed and went to the bench seat underneath the window that faced west in the room I was using. I put my hand on the center pane of glass in the window as I stared up at the stars and sighed as I felt a lone tear fall from the corner of my eye. I pulled my hand off of the window and wiped the tear out of my eye before I pulled on the string to let the blinds drop and twisted the rod to close them. "Good night, Nicky. I love you." I cast one last glance at the blinds as they obstructed my view of the western sky before I got in bed and pulled the covers over my head and silently cried myself to sleep.

A/N: So Anna makes a return…what'll happen next? Stay tuned and please review.

The French phrase Anna said to her sister translates to "Did you forget? I speak French too, my sister."

Kinda bleak, I know. This was really, really hard for me to write without wanting to burst out crying myself. I've always gotten the impression that by watching CSI, Nick was always the emotional one and I did my best to convey it in this chapter. Having had a really, really bad breakup myself, I know how Nick feels in my story. If you don't agree with how I have portrayed Nick, then by all means, don't read anymore. This is MY story and this is how I interpreted the character and how he'd act if this happened.

Reviews? Pretty please?