Having finally gotten Stephanie to sleep, Kayla settled down on the couch with a cup of her favorite orange blossom herbal tea. A small smile appeared on her face as she thought of the grief she would have gotten from Shane for drinking a substance he did not consider "proper tea" or, in fact, any kind of tea at all.
The smile changed to a frown as she thought again of Shane, as she had so often since he left. It had been four days since he had left suddenly for his mission and, no matter how hard she tried, she could not shake her suspicion that there was something different about this one.
It was not the first time Shane had been required to leave town suddenly for some ISA business, but he had never been so distant and secretive when he left and he had always been able to call her during his trip. The fact that Kim had picked up on something as well did nothing to soothe her fears. Shane was out there, undoubtedly doing something dangerous and, as much as she might try to deny it, she was terrified he might be hurt - or worse.
She tried to tell herself that she was being ridiculous. Shane was strong, extremely competent at his job, and had been involved in numerous dangerous assignments. He could take care of himself; he always had. Even when they had thought he was dead, he still managed to come home. Yet, no matter what she told herself, the fear remained.
Taking another sip of her tea, Kayla leaned back into the couch and let her thoughts continue to drift. She knew that her fears were not just because Shane was on a mission. No, the fear came from the hours spent by Steve's hospital bedside and the unimaginable pain she had felt when she lost him. It was a pain she thought she would never get over and, if she were honest with herself, she never really had. It was no longer the sharp, nearly unbearable pain that she had felt for those first few months, but that didn't mean it had entirely gone away. No, now it existed as a dull ache, constantly there, but something she had learned to live with and, on some rare occasions, even forget for a little while. But it always came back. Something as simple as Stephanie's smile - so much like her father's - or as abstract as a stranger on the street with blond hair or a leather jacket. Even now, as worried as she was about Shane, that ache remained, reminding her that, while her life might move on, she would always love Steve and that loss would never leave her entirely.
She sometimes wondered if she was being unfair to Shane. She had told him that she would always love Steve, that she could not and did not want to forget him or the love they shared. Shane had gently told her that he never expected that, that he didn't want - and couldn't - compete with Steve. And he had never gone back on that promise.
Kayla sometimes wished she could be as accepting of Kim's place in Shane's life. Kayla knew that Shane loved her, but she also knew it was different than what he had felt for Kim. Kayla had been an eyewitness to a large part of Kim and Shane's life together and she knew they had the once-in-a-lifetime kind of love that she and Steve had. That kind of love doesn't die, as she well knew. Kim and Shane may have hurt each other deeply, so deeply that the pieces seemed incapable of being put back together again, but Kayla knew that, deep down, that love was still there.
She had known it when Kim had first returned to Salem, but Shane had insisted that he had moved on while Kim had insisted their marriage was over. Even then, Kayla had tried to back out of any relationship with Shane, but circumstances conspired against her and her good intentions.
Things might have been very different if Eve had never run away from her trial. Or if Kim had never decided to work for the ISA and get close to Lawrence Alamain. By the time Kayla had learned the truth, it was just too late. She had fallen in love with Shane and, as much as she loved her sister, Kayla wasn't willing to sacrifice the happiness she had found for Kim.
For as long as Kayla could remember, she had been the peacemaker in the family, the one who made sure everyone was okay. But she wasn't that innocent, naïve young woman anymore. Time and pain had changed her. Shane had helped her find a way to move on with her life and made her believe she could find some happiness again, and she couldn't just give that up. She would always regret that her relationship with Shane had caused pain for her family, and especially Kim. But, Kayla had to believe that she and Kim could get past that pain and rebuild their friendship.
Sighing softly, Kayla got up from the couch and poured herself another cup of tea. Maybe the second cup would do what the first could not - soothe her fears and allow her to get some badly needed sleep. But Kayla knew that was just wishful thinking. There would be no peaceful sleep until Shane returned home and she could once again bury those fears and pain.