I put a smiley face in the box on the chart taped to the refrigerator and sigh a little. In the week since the "non-fainting" incident as I like to call it, Josh has gone a little around the bend.
First, he insisted that I call the OB and see if I could be seen. He was happy that she was happy to accomodate us. But neither of them were happy when it turned out that instead of gaining 3-5 pounds, I've actually lost 8.
He took notes while she talked about optimal eating plans for healthy weight gain. Then he made a chart. Then he taped it to the refrigerator. Then he bought me stickers. To put on the chart. If I eat healthy meal. What am I five?
I thought it was kind of cute at first. He was pretty excited to show it to me. I went along with it, placating him, until yesterday. Lazy Sunday at home. We had a late breakfast so I wasn't really hungry at lunchtime. We were just sitting around reading when he got up and went to the kitchen and came back with a giant spoonful of peanut butter.
"Here. You haven't had anything to eat in 3 hours. The Little Bean needs some protein."
When I started to protest, he'd used the no-nonsense voice on me, "Just eat it, Donna."
At least I got some revenge out of it. I'd licked the peanut butter off that spoon very slowly and with great care. Josh was practically a pile of goo at my feet by the time I was done. Then he'd declared nap time, but we didn't actually get much sleep. He's just lucky that I like peanut butter.
Helen is only a little better. She checks up on me too. She thinks the chart is cute. Josh definitely earned bonus points with her. They are both already driving me a little wacko and it's only been a week.
I need an ally. I may have to enlist the services of the President of the United States. Perhaps an executive order banning the mention of morning sickness, healthy eating plans and peanut butter! Or maybe I can get him to make a state visit somewhere and take them both with him.
As I'm contemplating my options, Josh comes back into the kitchen. He checks the chart and smiles at me. His whole face lights up. Damn him.
"I love you so much." Why does he have to be so cute? And so earnest?
"Yeah, I love you too." I mumble into his neck as he hugs me.
"Ready?" He asks as he grabs the cooler. Instead of just a bagel with cream cheese, he's started packing me all sorts of healthy snacks. Hard boiled eggs, cubes of meat and cheese, peanut butter and crackers, apples, baggies of almonds, granola bars. I could open a convenience store in my office. Of course, that doesn't stop him from making sure that I also get a bowl of soup at lunch and a healthy dinner after we get home.
"Yes dear." Let's do this. I've discovered that it actually feels better if I've eaten before I throw up anyway. So even though this first breakfast is just an exercise in futility, I go through the motions.
At the end of Senior Staff, I get my customary kiss on the cheek and head to my office. We've gotten into a routine and its working. We are closing in on the first 100 days and we have some things to show for it. Mrs. Santos had a successful whistle-stop education tour, the President has had a couple of small initiatives passed in his education platform, we successfully confirmed a vice-president and Kazakhstan hasn't erupted into full out war. It really feels like we've got a handle on things.
At 9:30, as my staff meeting is wrapping up my blackberry buzzes, as does Annabeth's.
"There's been a shooting at Virginia Tech. Two deceased. Possible domestic dispute." Annabeth announces to the room.
"What a shame." Mrs. Santos says before we get back to our long-range planning discussion. There is a state dinner on the far horizon but it's a big deal.
About twenty minutes later, Annabeth knocks lightly and enters my office. Helen and I are still talking about the state dinner stuff, and I'm having my single cup of coffee for the day.
"There have been more shots fired at Virginia Tech. An email alert went out saying that there is a gunman loose on campus. It's an on-going situation."
"Oh my god." Helen exclaims.
"I need to find Josh!"
He's my first thought. Gun violence is already a sensitive topic for us. Josh hasn't had a panic attack in a long time, but a shooting on a college campus while he's so focused on education reform might be triggering.
"Annabeth, keep monitoring the news. I'm going to head over to the West Wing. I'll keep you posted if there will be any official statements. I'm sure Bram is going to get questions at the next briefing."
"I'm coming with you." Helen stands up too.
Helen has walk-in privileges for the oval office, and that's probably where Josh is, but I head to his office first anyway. Margaret always knows what's going on.
"I'm glad to see you." Margaret greets me, standing as she sees the First Lady. "He's in the oval."
"How's he doing?"
"He froze for a split second but he's holding on . . . I'm sure he'll be really glad to see you."
"Who else is in the oval?"
"POTUS and some senior staff."
As we head through Josh's office, I have an idea. I check his top drawer. Sure enough his bracelet is there. I tuck it into my hand and follow Helen through the adjoining door.
As soon as I walk through the door I look for Josh. I need to see him, to know that he's okay. Hearing about a shooting doesn't leave me in the best frame of mind either. Sam is getting to his feet and Josh is following suit. I can only see the back of his head until he turns.
The look of relief on his face is enough to make me cry. I want to walk straight into him so he can wrap his arms around me and we can support each other. But this is the oval office and it's not the place for that.
I'm glad when he moves to a couch so that Mrs. Santos can have the chair opposite of the President. I sit down very close to him and take his hand. I need the physical contact. I also use the opportunity to slip his bracelet to him. I smiles softly and we hold it together between our hands.
"What do we know?" I ask the room generally.
Sam looks at Josh briefly, then responds. "Bram just left to check for further information. At least two fatalities, a male and female in a dorm room. Initially reported as a domestic dispute. Several hours later reports of shots fired in classroom buildings."
We all sit silently for what seems like a long time. I'm trying not to think about anything.
When Bram comes back into the room, we can immediately tell that it's not good news. He doesn't hestitate.
"At least 21 fatalities, 28 injured, some criticial. The local authorities are holding a press conference at noon."
"oh my god." Helen exclaims again.
I feel frozen. How many of those are college students, possibly still teenagers. When are their parents going to find out? I remember exactly how it feels to be told that the person you love has been shot.
"Josh was hit. Yes, it's critical." I can hear Toby's words reverberating in my head, it's sort of a swooshing sound.
"Donna?! Donna?!" It's Josh's voice breaking through. When I look at him and see his eyes, I just want to weep for the families, but I am so incredibly grateful that Josh is here. He's holding my hand. He's okay.
"Are you okay?" He looks worried. OH! He's worried about me.
"I'm okay." I try to smile, to reassure him. But I'm so incredibly sad. 21 more people killed with guns. When will it end?
"What do we do?" Bram asks.
"You'll get questions in the next briefing. 'The White House is monitoring the situtation and our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families.' Then once details are confirmed and reported by local authorities you can share those." Josh responds.
"There will probably be some sort of memorial."
"We should attend." Matt nods agreement with Helen's comment.
Sam stands up. "I'm going to check in with Lou and Otto. They can begin drafting some remarks."
"Good idea, Sam." The President responds.
I stand up. I need to do something. "I'll go call Annabeth and make sure she's staying on top of the information as well. Then I'll call Ron and have him start an advance team." Helen nods to me.
Josh stands up as well. "Do you need anything else, sir?"
"Not right now. Please let me know when you get more information."
I'm really glad when Josh follows me out of the room. As soon as the door to the oval office closes, I turn and fall into his arms. I just want to hold him and never let him go. Are we crazy bringing a baby into this world? How are we ever supposed to let our children go to college? I won't want to let them out of my sight.
Josh holds me for a few minutes. Then he says-
"You call Annabeth, I'll call Ron. Then we need to get something for you to eat."
"I'm not hungry. How could I possibly eat?"
"Donna, you have to."
Once I'm done talking to Annabeth from Margaret's phone, I take a seat on the couch. Josh is still on the phone with Ron. Nothing's been set yet but Josh thinks that the President and First Lady will end up visiting the campus tomorrow. Blacksburg is only about 4 hours away. It will be a quick trip on Marine One.
When he's off the phone Josh joins me on the couch. This is what I really need, for him just to hold me for a little while.
A few minutes later Karen comes in with some soup and some snacks from my office. Josh must have called her while I was talking to Annabeth.
"Thanks Karen."
"No problem. Have you heard anything else?"
"I'm afraid so. It looks like the total fatalities is going to rise. There are several critically injured."
"I'm so sorry to hear that."
"Me too."
"I'll head back up to the office. Do you need anything else?"
"No. I'll check back with you in a little while."
After Karen leaves, I look at Josh.
"Can we talk about something else for a few minutes? Anything else at all. It's the only way I'm going to have any hope of getting any food down."
"Baby names?" Josh asks tentatively.
"Alright. Give me a girl name and I'll give you a boy name. Remember, this is just brain storming, not necessarily a final answer."
I take a spoonful of soup while he thinks for a moment.
"Gabriella?"
"I'm not a fan of Gabby as a nickname."
"What about Brie or Ella?"
"Why not just name her Ella then?"
"Ella Lyman? I don't hate it".
"Put it on the list."
"Will Bella think we're naming the baby after her?"
"Take it off the list." She absolutely would think that and I'm not doing it.
"Your turn, give me a boy idea."
This is really hard because I'm pretty set on my top three boys names: Noah, Jacob and Leo. But they are already on the list so I need something new. But not necessarily something he's going to love.
"What about Hadley? That's kind of cute."
"Like the former Speaker of the House, member of the unholy trinity?"
"I said Hadley, not Haffley. But point taken."
So that got us nowhere. It's okay, our hearts weren't really in it. I can't help but wonder what names we're about to see on a list. Will that make me love those names or hate them? I wonder how Molly will feel about her name someday.
Josh and I fall back into silence while I finish my soup and he eats some cashews.
At one o'clock the President joins us to watch Bram's press briefing. Another student has died.
"Helen went back to the Residence, Donna. She said that you can join her there anytime you like. If you need her for something just call." The President stands up and walks back into the oval office.
"I guess I'll go up to the Residence?" I realize that came out as a question. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do. Luckily Josh seems to understand.
"If you feel like you can handle it, you should go staff the First Lady. You stay on top of the information and give it to her if she wants it. At some point, we'll get some language for her to look over in case she'd like to speak tomorrow."
He looks at me carefully. "If you don't feel like you can handle it, you can stay here on my couch. I'll do as much as I can from here and I'll call Sam in to Staff the President."
"I'm okay. I'm mostly numb now. I just needed to spend some time with you. I'll head up to the Residence."
I walk over to Josh for one last fortifying hug. When I finally pull back, he kisses my forehead. Then he takes my hand and slips his beads over it.
"The President and I will be up to the Residence by 6pm. I know things seem bleak right now, but I'm going to do everything I can to make this world a better place for our children."
I know he will and that thought is enough to get me through the day.