A/N: Happy Mother's Day!

I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS.

Chapter Twenty:

I was vaguely aware that Damon pulled the bloody clothes off of me and threw them in the fireplace, along with his. He took me upstairs and we got into the shower. I sat on the floor and cried, while he washed us both.

"He's dead." I murmured. Damon didn't say anything. The smell of his body-wash filled my nose. It was nice to smell something other than burnt carnage. We didn't spend long in the bathroom; at least, I don't think we did.

I was in his bed with him and I curled into a ball on my side. He kissed my forehead and didn't touch me otherwise. I'm not sure if I would have felt it.

We stayed like this for days. I lost track of time and the day. I didn't care. I couldn't care. If I wasn't hurting, I was numb. I couldn't function.

I was overcome with guilt and shame, in equal measure. Damon did what he could and let me know that he cared. The others stopped by, but I didn't acknowledge them. I didn't acknowledge anyone. I couldn't.

Two weeks. They told me that I was basically comatose for two weeks. Finally, they dragged me to a doctor. I was diagnosed with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. I'm not sure anyone was surprised.

I was functioning again, but barely. I listened to their conversations, but didn't really partake in them. I wore too many clothes. I couldn't stay warm and I never felt clean I didn't like my skin showing, because it made me feel exposed.

They never said anything about it. I was grateful.

Five weeks. I was slowly, very slowly, starting to get back into my old routine and resemble something of myself. Caroline forced me to go on a spa night with her. And by spa day, I mean that she took me to her house and she and Liz gave me a facial and a mani/pedi. I trust them, so it was easier to let them touch me.

It was hard to stay there without Damon. The later it go, the more closed off I became. Caroline seemed to pick up on it, because ten minutes later, Damon walked in. He smiled at us and sat down next to me. I cuddled against him and he watched chick flicks with us all night.

It's been four months since Alaric died and we're still trying to get over it. I still have nightmares almost every night.

I know that Jeremy and Caroline are having a hard time with dealing with it, too. Jeremy looked up at Ric for a long time. You don't just get over something like that, over night. Caroline cares so much about everyone and for a while, that included Ric.

Damon won't admit it, but I know that he misses his friend. I know that he misses his drinking buddy, before he turned into whoever that was.

Stefan seems indifferent to it all. He really hasn't turned his emotions back on. I'm envious that he has a choice. If I had the choice, I would turn mine off. Tyler… seems to be the most similar to Damon and Stefan. Tyler feels guilty for helping end his life, but he's told me and Caroline that he feels justified, because he was protecting me.

Logically, I know that they could have easily roughed him up and Liz could have arrested him, but would that have been the end of it? Would he have found a way to come back and do it again? The questions swarm my brain every day. There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't think about Ric or feel responsible for his death.

I didn't want him dead and if I had the choice to bring him back, I'm not sure that I would. That's what's killing me. He was a monster, but I don't think that he always was. I'm so confused and conflicted. How do you deal with something like this? How do you got over something like this?

I can't wear red. I don't like red things. I can't be around loud noises. I just started being able to tolerate small flames. The smell of smoke and food cooking is hard to be around. It makes me lose my appetite.

I wake up at night and I can still feel his blood on my legs. This can't be normal.

Damon wrapped his arm around me and hugged me to his side. We were curled up in his bed. It's where we spent most of our nights. It's safe here. I feel safe here. I feel safe with him.

A/N: Not many chapters left!
-Anneryn