I'm finally back now with more Deyna flashbacks. As Nashville is nearing its end, I still can but imagine the future Deacon and Rayna could have had, so I'll keep delving into moments of their past. This one takes place after Beverly's funeral and dives deeper into the complex emotions that that situation brought on.

Rayna quietly hung up her black dress, placing it towards the back of the closet in the hopes she wouldn't be needing it anytime soon. Rayna had always hated black dresses. They reminded her of death and funerals. She still remembered when she was a little girl and her mama had just died. She asked Tandy is they could go out and get her a new black dress. When Tandy asked why she couldn't wear one she already had, Rayna explained that whatever dress she wore to say goodbye to her mama, she didn't want to ever see again.

It had been an exhausting day. The last couple months, overall, were draining in every way: emotionally and physically. It seemed they had been on this rollercoaster of emotions and hope. Her and Deacon finally making their way back to each other, only to have his cancer looming over their future. Then to almost getting a transplant, then not. Then there was Beverly who refused to donate and then finally came around. Only then there were complications and she was in a coma, but she got better only to get worse and not make it.

Rayna could see how much Deacon was struggling and it killed her. She wished he would just let her in, but she knew there wasn't much she could do to ease his pain. She also knew exactly where his mind was going. She could see the self-blame in his eyes and how much of this he was putting on himself, even when he shouldn't be. But that was Deacon being Deacon.

She walked over to the bed where he was sitting, undoing the cufflink on his sleeves. She interrupted his hands and wrapped hers around his.

"Hey, how are you, babe?" Rayna asked, concern filling her voice.

"I don't even know. Numb, I guess," Deacon responded.

"I know-," Rayna went to say, but he cut her off.

"No, you don't know, Rayna," he said as he pulled his hands away from hers.

He got up and paced in front of her, rubbing his hands over his face.

"You have no idea what this is like. This, this is my fault. My sister is dead because of me. I'm the one who should've been protecting her. But instead I had to drag her into my mess. I did this to myself, wasted years being a no-good drunk and in the end she paid for it. Not me. My own sister. And now what am I supposed to do? Grieve, move on? I'm supposed to just go live my life on stolen time. Why should I get to be happy, have a family when she doesn't get anything at all, not anymore?" Deacon said, his voice breaking at the end.

"Deacon, you can't think like that. This is not your fault. Beverly loved you and she wanted to do this for you. And life was unfair and cruel and took her from you. But Bev didn't die so you could live. It wasn't one or the other. Sometimes things just happen. And this was one of them."

"Things don't just happen, Ray. I happened to her. The people around me, the people I love, they get hurt because of me. If I hadn't been out drinking way back when, if it hadn't let Vince drive, then maybe he'd still be here. And then I went and did it again and almost killed you too. Almost left the girls without a mama. But that wasn't enough for me either 'cause I had to go and wreck Beverly too."

"It's not that simple, Deacon," Rayna whispered. It hurt her heart to know Deacon felt like this. That he shouldered all of this weight, taking all the pain around him and keeping it inside.

"It is. You should've just let me go, Rayna. You should've let me go to die. I should've been stronger and walked away."

"Don't say that. You don't mean it."

"I do. But you had to try and fix me, try and save me. Like I've caused you to do a hundred times over. You couldn't just let me accept fate! You went down to Natchez with your million dollar check and you begged Bev to save me. Well guess what! Here I am! I'm saved now. Except, Beverly's the one who paid the price. You should've just let me be, but you never did learn to stop trying to save things that can't be saved."

"How dare you, Deacon Claybourne! You always think you're not worth anything, that you're just broken and you push everyone in your life away when things get tough. I didn't try and fix you, I fought for you, for us and our family. And I would do it all over again. I fought so that our daughter would get to grow up with her dad, so you could walk her down the aisle at her wedding and every moment in between. And every time I look at you with Maddie and Daphne, I know what I fought for. And if that's my fault and you wanna hate me for it, then I'm fine with that. But don't you ever say I should've let you go," Rayna said with tears welling in her eyes.

They stood their for a moment, letting the fighting words they said hang in the air, heavy and thick. Then without a word Deacon stormed out of their bedroom and down the stair case. She heard the garage door open and shortly after heard his truck peel out of the driveway.

—-

Rayna

She hit his name again on her phone, not exactly sure why she thought he'd answer on the 10th call but she couldn't do nothing. She'd texted and left him voicemails. She just needed to know he was okay.

"Hey you've reached Deacon. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you soon as I can"

"It's me again, babe. Please just let me know you're alright. I'm worried. I just need to hear your voice."

He was still recovering from surgery and hadn't been taking it easy like he should have the last couple of weeks. And with all the added on stress, she couldn't stop her mind from wandering. Every cell in her body was anxious as she envisioned the worst case scenario.

Deacon drinking out at some bar, or his car wrapped around a telephone pole, or him passed out unconscious on the floor somewhere.

She couldn't help but shudder at how similar the voicemail she left mirrored the one from a few years back after he found out about Maddie and she called him before Juliette's mom's funeral.

She was mad as hell. Furious at what he said to her. But she knew how much pain he was in. And Deacon had always felt pain in such a raw way. It was the same thing she saw in Maddie. It was one of the things she loved about him, but it also made it so hard sometimes. She wrapped a blanket around herself and laid down on the couch in the living room, hoping she'd hear the door open soon.

—-

Deacon

He put his truck into drive and flung out of the driveway as quick as he could. He didn't know where he was going but he sure as hell needed to get out of there. He couldn't look into Rayna's eye and see the hurt he'd caused, just more pain to add onto the damage he's already done her. He didn't wanna see the pity in her eyes, her burning need to try and save him.

He had been making turns almost subconsciously, and before he knew it, he'd ended up outside a bar he used to frequent in the old days. He gritted his teeth and circled around the block a few times.

It was like his old instincts were kicking in and all he wanted to do was numb the searing pain he felt. He could almost imagine the way the bottle would feel against his lips, the slow burn down his throat. That was a pain he was familiar with, like an old friend to him.

He gripped the steering wheel hard, watching his knuckles turn white. As he passed the neon lights once again, he slammed his foot down on the gas before he had a chance to change his mind.

He sped over to East Nashville and saw Scarlett's truck wasn't parked at the house.

Probably at staying at Gunnar's and Avery's place.

Just one other person in his life he seemed to have driven away and hurt.

Deacon parked the car and went into the house, slamming the door behind him. As he heard it slam into the door frame, he felt the tiniest sense of relief.

He then stormed into the room he had prepared for Beverly, for after she came home from the hospital, the one she'd never sleep in.

Before he knew it, he was reaching for anything he could grab onto and smashing it. The house sounded like a tornado was rolling through it as glass slammed against the ground from the picture frames he was tearing off the walls. He pulled a shelving unit down and kicked it a couple times for good measure. His hand swung out at the bedside lamp and the shade went skittering across the hardwood. After about ten minutes there was nothing else left for him to destroy and he felt empty.

Empty of the rage he'd been bottling up inside. He sunk down into the bed and put his face in his hands. He looked around the room which he thought looked a lot like how he felt on the inside. And suddenly a wave of loneliness rolled in. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be this person. He felt sick to his stomach thinking of how he'd almost gone and disgraced the sacrifice Beverly had made by walking into a bar. He thought of the countless times he'd been on a drunken rage and smashed a motel room, and even Rayna's apartment. How many times had he gone off on a binge and left her to worry about where he was, dead or alive?

His boots crunched against broken glass as he left the room and grabbed his car keys.

—-

Rayna

Rayna heard the door in the kitchen creep open. She glanced at her phone to see it was well past midnight. She stood up from the couch to see Deacon, standing at the door and relief washed over her.

He was okay. He was back. All in one piece.

She could see the redness around his eyes, but other than that he seemed stable. He didn't stumble or reek of whiskey or a bar which quieted the anxious voices in her head.

He strode towards her, put his hands on either side of her face and before she knew it his lips were crashing down on hers. She immediately surrendered and leaned into him. She wrapped one arm around his neck and her other hand ran through his hair, trying to bring him as close to her as possible. His arms were running up and down her sides. One hand on her lowing back, pulling her to him, the other gripped tightly on her hip.

He broke their lips apart for a moment and looked into her eyes, "I didn't mean it. Any of it. I don't know where'd I'd be without you. You've saved me, Ray. And you keep doing even when I give you every reason not to. Every moment with you and our girls, I wouldn't trade it for anything, darlin'. Y'all are my whole world. I love you, baby."

"I love you, Deacon. So much," Rayna choked back before she couldn't help but pull him to her again.

All she wanted to do was hold onto him and not let him out of her arms. He lifted her hips up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He pushed her back against the counter before he swiftly pulled off the pajama pants she'd had on. In seconds, he was thrusting himself inside of her, rocking them against the cold marble. His lips hungrily ran down her neck and back up, stopping to nibble at the spot just underneath her collarbone. Rayna tugged at his hair, trying to suppress a moan. She reached down and brought his lips back up to hers, biting down on his lower lip and she could feel herself reaching a climax. He rocked against her harder, sending her spiraling. The tension from their fight, the passion from their fiery reunion all exploding and radiating throughout her body, sending her core shivering. She leaned her forehead against his as she tried to catch her breath, the house now silent except for their heaving breathing.

He kissed her, but gentler this time. His tongue lightly running along hers. She broke her lips from his and brought them to his ear.

"Let's go to bed, babe" she whispered.

He went to wrap her legs around his waist to carry her before she stopped him.

"Uh-uh, mister. You are supposed to be recovering and taking it easy. But since we've already broken that rule, you are definitely not carrying me upstairs. And I need you to heal, because you're stuck with me, forever."

"Hmm, I can live with that," Deacon replied before taking her hand in his as they headed for their bed.